Hello

Now my question really is not one about law or custody I just have a problem with summer visitation and i dont quite know what to do.

A little background.

My 2 step children are both teens. We fought long and hard for shared custody and the parenting plan that we have. It is a long distance parenting plan and i guess we have a more satisfactory situation than most.

Now last summer we had the kids for 6 weeks 2 days and 9 1/2 hours. Unfortunately my husband only was able to take 2 weeks vacation during this period. He gets 3 weeks during summer but this also includes Christmas week (prime vacation time).

We vacation every year for 1 week with my brother and wife and kids. the week we do this is always the first full week in August in Myrtle beach. Unfortunately because of the start of school in Florida where my stepkids reside they have not been able to join us for the past few years because mom wants them back earlier or some other reason every year. (She wants us to change our plans to suit her) We have done so twice before and even though we changed our dates to supposedly suit her various reasons she always manages to arrange things so the skids can't stay the whole week and would mean us driving them back and losing 3 days of 7 day vacation. She wont meet halfway to make things easier on us and never has.

I am not willing to change the week any more. Of course kids want to come with us and are disappointed. Last year we flew them back 2 days before we left. Now our court order gives us choice of first half of summer or last half as long as kids are back the day before school starts. We have arranged our vacation time every year so that it is possible for the kids to come by starting our week the last few days of july if needed. We book our condos and choose our vacation dates in april or May.

Now this year we are getting ready to pick first or last half of summer. Of course no matter what we pick she will say it doesnt work for her and we will work around it. But it will inevitably mean that the kids won't be able to come to Myrtle beach again this year.

Now this is where the big problem comes in to play this year. We have the kids for Christmas break also so my Husband will take one week of vacation for xmas. one week for our yearly vacation to myrtle beach and that will leave only one week for him during the kids 5 to six week summer break.

So the kids will be here for 5 to 6 weeks with dad only having one week of vacation to spend any quality time with them.

Hopefully in a month or so I will finally have my doctors release to go back to work after 3 surgerys and 4 years of physical therapy. I really need to go back to work soon because at this point I am not even recieving child support for my 3 teens because their father was injured in an accident a little over a year ago and thus no support for over a year for them. Things have been tight but livable. But I really need to either go back to work or finish school. One or the other.

i dont know what to do with the kids for the 4 to 5 weeks that they will be here because either way i will no longer be a sahmom.

My own kids have friends and activities and I have arrangements made for my 2 little ones already.

I think that we should give up part of the visitation this year unless her father that lives in the area wants to participate in visitation. Last year he only took them for a total of 8 hours. (they dont want to stay overnight there either). It is also inevitable that no matter what half of the summer we choose first that she will say something is wrong and it does not work for her. So I feel that our response should be that we will take them for the remaining time that does work for her out of the half that we originally pick.

I realize that we have committed to half of the summer but we also have first choice of the weeks and we never get the ones we pick any way. She always waits till right before we purchase the airline tickets and then changes the whole summer itinerary. i guess i just dont know what to do and i am tired of fighting with my husband about having our whole summer turned upside down every year with all the changes.

He will not go to mediation with her I have already suggested this (no begged for this). He just gives in and does what she wants even though I am the one responsible for the care of the kids for the time they are here. I really don't mind watching the kids and caring for them I just feel like i am being taken advantage of by him not sticking to his guns and putting his foot down.

Now if we choose the last half of the summer like we do every year since the agreement signed in 2000 i will have time to make plans and possibly arrange activities for the kids. But when the tickets are bought in May she will inevitably change the dates and we will loose the vacation week for myrtle beach with the kids and leave us stuck again with our plans all up in the air.

My solution of just cutting off the weeks that she feels are inconvenient for her after she already agreed is my only idea.

I know i might be seen as being a little selfish but she has literally ruined our vacation plans for 9 out of 11 years that we have been together. I guess i feel it is deliberate on her part because she has to exhibit control in some way over us.

It has just gotten so very old. And i guess i am just getting old and tired of it and all the stupid games.

Any suggestions would be helpful

Thank you

rini

I wouldnt give up any of the visitation. I would try and convince your husband that he needs to put his foot down to her and make her abide by the court order. Not sure but sounds like it may be a losing battle there. Also, if mom has been the one calling the visit short, why are dad and you doing the driving? If she calls and states she needs them back earlier he should be saying to bad. And if for some reason there is a ligitimate reason for the shortened visit, she should be the one to do the traveling.

Florida schools go back around the 12th, or 16th, I forget. Anyway, there shouldnt be a problem with the girls going on vacation if your husband sticks to his guns.

The kids don't have to be back until the day before school starts. Period. He needs to stop letting his ex get away with this type of thing. No one can be a doormat unless you let someone walk over you... He's being a doormat (no offense) by letting her dictate to him things that he doesn't have to agree to or accomidate. He needs to stop it.

If he gets to choose and that's what the court order says, mom can't just say "that doesn't work for me". Who cares if it works for her? As long as he goes by the court order and chooses his dates by X day mom has to abide. If she doesn't or hems and haws around about, haul her into court for contempt. She can't just unilaterally change a court order unless he allows her to do that. That's what he's been doing all these years by giving in to her demands. She's in a comfort zone and knows he'll agree to whatever she wants. Stop agreeing.

As for what to do with the children during the summer... you said they were teens but what ages exactly? Many parents have to deal with this dilema during summer vacation from school. Are they old enough to be left at home alone during the workday? Would it be possible for them to go on the activities you have planned with the other children?

Also, what does the court order say about transportation?

One thing I put in my own parenting plan is financial sanctions for visitation denials/interruptions/transportation issues. Perhaps your husband may want to think about doing the same thing. For example: me and my ex are to meet halfway for exchanges (we are long distance as well... 2 different states). In the parenting plan, I added the stipulation that if one parent doesn't meet halfway and the other parent winds up doing all the transportation, that parent can file to be reimbursed for additional travel expences they incurred which include but are not limited to food, lodging, and fuel. Meeting halfway for us is 4 hours one way, 1 tank of gas, and 1 meal. Having to go all the way is 8 hours one way, would include an overnight stay at a hotel (who would want to drive 16 straight hours?), would include at least 3 additional meals, and at least another tank of gas. For 2 adults and 3 kids you're looking at between $200 and $300 more to go all the way instead of meeting halfway. That's a hefty chunk of change.

Perhaps he should consider putting in the parenting plan that if she demands the children are to be returned early, then SHE is responsible for picking them up and she bears the total cost. If she decides to change plans at the last minute, then SHE would be responsible for any monetary charges for changing ticket dates. Put in some sort of sanctions for her inappropriate actions. Right now, she has none and is getting away scott-free while doing it.

I guess i needed to be a little more specific.

hubby gave up after 3 years of her bull **** way back in 1998. that is when i took over and started telling the attorneys how to proceed because no one knew how to handle the interstate situation. I had to read innumerable pages and finally got the 3rd attorney to follow my directions.

it took me 2 years just to get the jurisdiction ceded to FL on the custody issues (because her father is an expert witness and has a lot of pull in the court rooms in our county). Once i got custody jurisdiction sent to Fl I was able to kick some major butt.

we have a detailed parenting plan and yes one that has repercussions for all her b**** spelled out in detail. See we had already experienced first hand what a piece of trash she was but......................... Now that the kids are willing to fly she will not budge about driving even if it means her kids missing out on a great vacation. So i made her the bad guy the last 2 years and said if mommy will meet us half way we will be happy to drive you.

it is totally up to her kids....... She made them miss it even after us changing the dates to accomodate her 2 years in a row.

the reason why we had the kids for 6 weeks and 2 days were 9 makeup days from the previous summer that i made her concede to but it seems that i am only biting myself in the a$$ with extended time..

i am the one that does all the work ect ect ect.........

problem is getting my husband to do anything about it ( I prepared all the papers that beat her attorney on the custody issues and she told the kids that i was breaking the law and should be arrested for impersonating an attorney. Her lies are so innumerable we have decided to let her bury herself in her own SH&* (the kids are catching on but she is still manipulating them when it comes to any filings)

any time he files paper work she sicks the kids on him and we get letters and emails saying why are you doing this to our mommy.

when we got the alimony dropped and child support finally adjusted after 7 freaking years she had the kids writing emails about how they could not afford their piano and drum lessons and why is daddy taking mommy to court again.


he refuses to have her involve the kids any more and thus will not file any papers what so-ever......................

she is a real piece of work and I literally can't wait until the last child support payment is made I made sure not to relinquish jurisdiction of PA over support when i filed in Fl and thus the support order remains in PA. NO college support in my state unless they can prove you can afford it. We are comfortable but in no way going to have to pay support one day longer than highschool lasts for the youngest/

I will divorce him if he gives a freaking inch on support after emancipation and he can pay me alimony and child support for 10 yrs.. I unfortunately won''t end our marraige over his visitation BS that would only give her more satisfaction.

I guess short of a cattle prod I am screwed.........

thanks for your responses i guess i am just totally frustrated......

rini

You know, I'm one that's all for keeping the children out of the middle of things... but there also comes a time when they are old enough to be sat down and given the straight scoop. We went through this with my husband's daughters. Their mom told them he didn't love them, that he left them (she left the marriage), that they couldn't have things because he didn't pay child support (when he did), he was a loser, etc. They'd tell him "Daddy, I wish you'd pay child support so mommy can buy us things" and other nice little comments that children shouldn't know anything about. Finally, one day he figured what the hell... sat them down and showed him his paycheck stubs showing his child support payments that were taken out every week. They saw what he paid, they saw how much he was left with after child support and taxes... which was $92 a week. His 12 YO daughter wasn't a happer camper and was mad at her mom for lying to her. Now... like I said, I'm one that likes to keep the kids out of the middle of all the adult BS, but his ex had put them there, lied to them, had them believing their father was a deadbeat when he was really just deadBROKE, had them calling him and asking him about puttig them on insurance (when SHE was court ordred to carry them on her insurance) and he'd finally had enough. He had to prove to his own children that he wasn't a deadbeat and that he did pay child support. He even got them on insurance even though he wasn't court ordered to do so.

He also filed for a downward modification after some cattle prodding (hehe) from me and it was granted. When he was living off of $92 a week his ex told him, "That's not my problem". On the day of the modification when his support was dropped by $250 a month she made a comment to him that she didn't know how she was going to make it because her mother (that lived with her) was no longer getting disability every month anymore because she'd lost all the weight they said was her disability. His gut reaction was "That's not my problem" but he kept his words to himself.

I also know first hand about dealing with incompetance in the judicial system. My divorce was granted in GA. I wanted to file a custody modification in MO. My ex originally had custody of all 3 of our children, but they had come to live with me in MO, and MO had jurisdiction. My ex and I agreed to everything so it was a stipulated modification. My first order of business was to register my GA decree in MO. An attorney wanted $500 to do this. Screw that noise. I'd already drafted my own modification petition and parenting plan and was going pro se for that so I also did it for the registration too. All I had to do was take a certified copy of my GA decree to the county courthouse and have them file it. Seems easy, right? Well... it would have been... if the county clerk had ever heard of registering a foreign court order. I literally had to take his statute book off the shelf and show him what he needed to do. He called the judge, told him what I wanted, what I'd said to do, and the judge told him I was correct. To take the decree, assign it a MO case number and log it as a MO order. I didn't even have to pay a filing fee. So, what an attorney wanted to cahrge me $500 to do, I did on my own for free and even educated the clerk on a law he didn't know existed. The clerks in that office love me. Seriously. If I called there today and said "This is the GA gal, I need so and so... can ya help me out?" I'd have what I need within 3 business days, and I don't even live in MO anymore. Shortly after that, the modification was filed and the judge signed it. I now have custody of our oldest daughter and the younger 2 live with my ex.

Your husband's kids are teens. They're mature enough to sit down and have a heart to heart with dad and have dad tell them just exactly what is going on. That it's not HIS fault about music lessons, that the LAW says this is how it should be and the judge made that decision. That he files paperwork against mommy because mommy doesn't do what the judge told her to do and is interferring in his relationship with them. That again, the law and the judge said this is what mommy is supposed to do and she doesn't and when we don't follow laws there are consequences. Not badmouth her or anything, but be truthful with them about it. She put them in the middle... him talking to them will take them out of the middle because then it's no longer their burden to "take care" of mommy or "protect" her and feel sorry for her.

I still have all the paperwork and evidence I've gathered over the past 6 years... and one day I will show it to my children. Their father hasn't reached the really bad stage of badmouthing me to the kids, but he's getting bolder. His latest thing is to ask them what meds I give them when they're with me and him and his family talking about me overmedicating my kids when I have them. The only meds they take are the ones he sends them with, and over Christmas vacation we all got sick.. so they took Sudafed and Nyquil. My ODD that I have custody of has a lot of health issues and suddenly after a year of her being under a doctor's care the ex is wanting his name and number. When she had her kidney biopsy he didn't want it. When I told him her liver was 2 1/2 times the size it should be, he didn't want it. When I told him about her diabetes, he didn't want it. But suddenly now... he does. I see where he's going with this, but he's barking up the wrong tree. For Christmas he spent about $25 on our daughter that lives with me. The 2 that live with him and his wife's children got so much stuff... and my daughter heard all about it today. I don't have to say a thing to her about him even though I could, he does it on his own. Her words... "Sometimes I feel like I don't even matter to him because I don't live with him". She got a CD (bought used), a Gameboy game (bought used) and a pack of those glow in the dark bracelets that you'd use on Halloween for the kids to wear to be seen while they go trick or treating. She had to hear about her brother and stepbrother getting hunting rifles, BB guns, hunting gear, toys, and what her sister also got. While she sits here with her $.99 cent bracelets and used game and Creed CD.

OK... I went on a tangent in your thread... sorry.

If I were in your husband's shoes I'd be totally upfront and honest with the kids. Children are smarter and more perceptive than we give them credit for. And he won't be putting them in the middle... his ex has done that already and will continue to use them if he keeps allowing it. The way to fight lies is with the truth.