Hi. I am a 53 year old woman who has been married to a man for 20 years. He has a child out of wedlock who is nearly the same age as our marriage. She has contacted my husband a few times, but she is causing a rift in our marriage. She says she wants a relationship with my husband, but does she even have this right!!?? How can she show up after nearly 20 years requesting to speak to my husband who doesn't even know her? We have our own lives, is it possible to charge her with harassment for contacting us?

This woman is his CHILD!!!! She wants to know the other half of her biological parentage. Are you really that jealous and petty? I understand you being pissed that your husband had an affair and obviously got caught but be upset with him not with his daughter.

If HE wants contact with her I would shut the hell up and wish them well. You might end up with a really nice step daughter and possibly a friend down the road when you are really old and need someone to care for you and decide if is the lovely "Shady Pines" or the otherwise "Forgotten Hills " old folks home.

If he doenst want contact then have him write down his biological history and give her his medical info so that she can at least have that!

My god this woman may one day spawn the cutest of grandchildren and you may miss out on all the joy.

I feel sorry for all of you.

Shannon,

This girl is an adult. I feel like she just wants to start trouble. Why didn't she contact my husband when she was younger if she wanted to know him so badly? I feel like she probably wants our money because my husband owns a business. My husband did not have an affair on me. My husband and I got married when this girl was about 4 months old. Now she shows up trying to start a relationship?? Why does she need any information? She has a mother. We are just two married people trying to live our lives. My husband has the nerve to try to talk to her as if it is his daughter. How can it be his daughter if he doesn't even know her? I am so upset by this and want it to stop!

Shannon,

This girl is an adult. I feel like she just wants to start trouble. Why didn't she contact my husband when she was younger if she wanted to know him so badly? I feel like she probably wants our money because my husband owns a business. My husband did not have an affair on me. My husband and I got married when this girl was about 4 months old. Now she shows up trying to start a relationship?? Why does she need any information? She has a mother. We are just two married people trying to live our lives. My husband has the nerve to try to talk to her as if it is his daughter. How can it be his daughter if he doesn't even know her? I am so upset by this and want it to stop!
Is it possible that the girl didn't KNOW who her father was until recently- and that's the reason she didn't contact him when she was younger?

She can "want" his money all she wants- but it is up to your husband (not her) as to how much, if any, he is willing to give.

It is obvious that your hubby wants to at least try to have a relationship with his daughter, and you may not like hearing this, but you need to get used to the idea that she exists. Here is my advice:

1. Help your husband find the truth: ask him about him and daughter doing a DNA test, just to make sure. If she really is his daughter, if you don't want to lose your hubby, you would be wise to either help them get to know each other, or stay out of it all together. You need to ask yourself if you are willing to lose your 20 yr marriage over this or not. Your hubby needs your love and support right now, and I hope you can give it.

2. Thank your lucky stars that the mother or the state isn't suing your hubby for back child support. It happens to alot of 50 to 60ish fathers- they live thier life, then learn they have a kid and have to pay THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS in back CS for a kid they never knew they had. So count your blessings and really try to at least tolerate this girl in your life.
Xena :)

Shannon,

This girl is an adult. I feel like she just wants to start trouble. Why didn't she contact my husband when she was younger if she wanted to know him so badly? I feel like she probably wants our money because my husband owns a business. My husband did not have an affair on me. My husband and I got married when this girl was about 4 months old. Now she shows up trying to start a relationship?? Why does she need any information? She has a mother. We are just two married people trying to live our lives. My husband has the nerve to try to talk to her as if it is his daughter. How can it be his daughter if he doesn't even know her? I am so upset by this and want it to stop!

You are not her parent, he is. And the fact that you are trying to get in the way of that is rediculous. YOu have 20 years behind you. YOu act as tho it's the mother coming after your husband, it's his daughter. Get a grip woman. If she wanted money you're right she would've came out a long time ago. IF her mother didn't put in an order for support you do not have to worry about your precious money your husband has worked for. Do not stand in the way of this man and his blood. It is her other half.

And there was no LEGAL question posed. Just sounds like a bitter wife mad about her husband's daughter coming to have a relationship with him. Tsk Tsk.

I think you all have read me absolutely wrong. I am not a mean person. I love my husband. I posed a legal question in my first comment. Is it not harassment for this girl to be contacting us after so long? My husband knew he had a daughter, but he told that girl's mother a long time ago that he wanted nothing to do with her. It should've been left at that! Why did she not get remarried and move on and raise her daughter with a father instead of having her daughter come look for my husband now? I want to know if I can file a harassment suit against this girl for contacting my husband, or at least for calling my household and writing my household. My husband seems to think this is ok, but this is my house and my phone line and I don't want her calling. If she continues, can I not do something about it??

I think you all have read me absolutely wrong. I am not a mean person. I love my husband. I posed a legal question in my first comment. Is it not harassment for this girl to be contacting us after so long? My husband knew he had a daughter, but he told that girl's mother a long time ago that he wanted nothing to do with her. It should've been left at that! Why did she not get remarried and move on and raise her daughter with a father instead of having her daughter come look for my husband now? I want to know if I can file a harassment suit against this girl for contacting my husband, or at least for calling my household and writing my household. My husband seems to think this is ok, but this is my house and my phone line and I don't want her calling. If she continues, can I not do something about it??
No it's not harassment and if your husband thought it was just like that that he could dismiss this woman and child by saying he wanted nothing to do with them is a joke. You don't just dismiss parenting...regardless. If anything this woman and her child should file suit. Well it's apparent that if your husband isn't dismissing her now he must feel regret of some kind. Leave those two to know one another.

Oh as far as doing something about calling YOUR HOUSEHOLD...just move. Divorce your husband. Is that what you want to hear? He was this child's father before he became YOUR husband.

Tahari,

You must not be married. Marriage comes before children. You never put a child before marriage. My husband has been legally commited to me for 20 years. This child was born out of wedlock, a bastard. Why should he have any obligation to her at all? This is a free country. It should not be legal to just ask for someone to play a role in your life, when obviously they wanted nothing to do wtih you because they were never there to raise you. Can't she get a hint? My husband and I tried to have our own children, and I couldn't get pregnant. Now, she thinks she will be taking up his time and calling my house phone. No one wants to give me a legal response because you simply don't understand my position. She has called my house 2 times asking for my husband. I want it to stop.

Tahari,

You must not be married. Marriage comes before children. You never put a child before marriage. My husband has been legally commited to me for 20 years. This child was born out of wedlock, a bastard. Why should he have any obligation to her at all? This is a free country. It should not be legal to just ask for someone to play a role in your life, when obviously they wanted nothing to do wtih you because they were never there to raise you. Can't she get a hint? My husband and I tried to have our own children, and I couldn't get pregnant. Now, she thinks she will be taking up his time and calling my house phone. No one wants to give me a legal response because you simply don't understand my position. She has called my house 2 times asking for my husband. I want it to stop.

Funny things happen for a reason. Maybe he wanted children. maybe he's realized he's missed out.

OK, on another thread a poster by the name of jsmom responded, and then responded again to another poster's response. Then in answer a poster- peggysue responded answering. This response by peggysue was deleted by peggysue.

it is obvious that peggysue and jsmom are the same poster: peggysue claims to be the wife while jsmom claims to be the "long lost daughter". So my question is:
Are you (peggysue) actually the wife, or are you the daughter. Whichever one you really are, it seems that you are posting as both to see what responses you get. Am I correct?
Xena

OK, on another thread a poster by the name of jsmom responded, and then responded again to another poster's response. Then in answer a poster- peggysue responded answering. This response by peggysue was deleted by peggysue.

it is obvious that peggysue and jsmom are the same poster: peggysue claims to be the wife while jsmom claims to be the "long lost daughter". So my question is:
Are you (peggysue) actually the wife, or are you the daughter. Whichever one you really are, it seems that you are posting as both to see what responses you get. Am I correct?
Xena


Thanks Xena. Way to blow my cover. In any case, my husband and I are going through this drama and it is obvious that not too many people are in agreement with me, which is what I figured. His daughter wrote him a letter stating that she could still file suit against us, which I am really concerned about because my husband and I have been working to make this business for nearly 10 years. She says she doesn't want money, but yet she continues to try and contact him.

I truly feel as though I am being treated unfairly in this situation and as though my husband has second classed me. I would like to file a harassmet suit, but it seems as though this is not legal. Correct?

Thanks Xena. Way to blow my cover. In any case, my husband and I are going through this drama and it is obvious that not too many people are in agreement with me, which is what I figured. His daughter wrote him a letter stating that she could still file suit against us, which I am really concerned about because my husband and I have been working to make this business for nearly 10 years. She says she doesn't want money, but yet she continues to try and contact him.

I truly feel as though I am being treated unfairly in this situation and as though my husband has second classed me. I would like to file a harassmet suit, but it seems as though this is not legal. Correct?
Well, first, it would have helped a great deal if you had stated in your original post that the daughter has threatened to sue.

Is she threatening to sue for back CS? Was there ever a court order for CS? In some states an adult child can sue thier non custodial parent for back CS- IF an order to pay existed. But in most states it would have to be the custodial parent doing the suing. Your hubby can consult with an attorney to find out if his daughter would have standing and a case or not.

As for harrassment: as stated before, no she is NOT harrassing. Now IF your hubby were to tell her to leave him alone, and she were to continue to call, come over, call hubby's job, etc. THEN it might be harrassment and he might be able to get a restraining order. BUT he is the only one who can do anything.
Xena

By the way the link to your posts as jsmom is http://www.laborlawtalk.com/showthread.php?t=81438

PS- when posting on forums like this you'll get more accurate responses if you post the whole story, as only one person.

Tahari,

You must not be married. Marriage comes before children. You never put a child before marriage. My husband has been legally commited to me for 20 years. This child was born out of wedlock, a bastard. Why should he have any obligation to her at all? This is a free country. It should not be legal to just ask for someone to play a role in your life, when obviously they wanted nothing to do wtih you because they were never there to raise you. Can't she get a hint? My husband and I tried to have our own children, and I couldn't get pregnant. Now, she thinks she will be taking up his time and calling my house phone. No one wants to give me a legal response because you simply don't understand my position. She has called my house 2 times asking for my husband. I want it to stop.


My god you are one bitter, pissed off woman! You knew he had a child before you married him. COuldnt get pregnant yourself...very sad for you but not the fault of the child he already fathered! I hope she is looking for money! I hope her mother sues for whatever she can! I think your husband owes his daughter a hell of a lot more than he ever gave her or her mother.

The poor girl has called TWICE!!!??? Oh My God! Call CNN, Call Barbara Walters! The girl is soooo out to get YOU!

Get over yourself lady.

Dont like the fact that your deadbeat husband fathered a child before he married you...too damn bad. Count yourself lucky you got all the money he should have been sending to his child and shut the hell up.

My god you are one bitter, pissed off woman! You knew he had a child before you married him. COuldnt get pregnant yourself...very sad for you but not the fault of the child he already fathered! I hope she is looking for money! I hope her mother sues for whatever she can! I think your husband owes his daughter a hell of a lot more than he ever gave her or her mother.

The poor girl has called TWICE!!!??? Oh My God! Call CNN, Call Barbara Walters! The girl is soooo out to get YOU!

Get over yourself lady.

Dont like the fact that your deadbeat husband fathered a child before he married you...too damn bad. Count yourself lucky you got all the money he should have been sending to his child and shut the hell up.

LOL...that was too funny. But that's how she is carrying on. Her comfort zone is being messed with. YOu have to see that. Also it's obvious that his daughter is some what of a threat. The fact that she couldn't have a child is a reminder once she hears or sees anything pertaining to his actual daughter.

Marriage coming before a child...

beg to differ. I mean the daughter shares his blood. The man gave half his DNA to his child. She is a part of everything that the husband is going back to the beginning of his family. She may have that same funny freckle behind the ear or the same birthmark on the small of her back. Her eyes may have that same misty look when she is daydreaming...

Im sorry but 20 years of marriage doesnt not override blood.

One would think that upon finding out one had a step child out there some where especially after not being able to have thier own child they would do everything to find that child and include them in thier family...guess some people are just to insecure.

Some of these post are really painful to me. I knew that a lot of people would not agree with where I stand. It's obvious none of you have ever been in this position.

Xena, I told my husband that I think she wants our money, and my husband told the girl. Then the girl wrote him a letter stating that I, his wife, should be glad that she and her mother did not sue but that she wanted pictures of his family and medical records. Who does she think she is? Why is any of this relevant to her? She has made it this far with none of that information, she claims that she has a child and that that is why she is concerned with medical things, but I think she is just being manipulative. She has not gone to my husband's job or any of that. Only called twice and written him a letter, but it is also my house, not just my husband's. If I object to her contacting him, I do not understand how she can continue.

Also, I could not have children, which is very painful to me. My husband and I have lived our lives without children for more than two decades. I was not planning for this at all! When I married my husband, he took the girl off of his insurance and stopped paying and I married him with the idea that that would be the end of it. Now, 20 years later, I feel as though she is coming to almost like intrude on what we have. I feel it is HER that is jealous of me because her father chose me over her. That is not my problem.

Seriously, get some therapy.

Some of these post are really painful to me. I knew that a lot of people would not agree with where I stand. It's obvious none of you have ever been in this position.

Xena, I told my husband that I think she wants our money, and my husband told the girl. Then the girl wrote him a letter stating that I, his wife, should be glad that she and her mother did not sue but that she wanted pictures of his family and medical records. Who does she think she is? Why is any of this relevant to her? She has made it this far with none of that information, she claims that she has a child and that that is why she is concerned with medical things, but I think she is just being manipulative. She has not gone to my husband's job or any of that. Only called twice and written him a letter, but it is also my house, not just my husband's. If I object to her contacting him, I do not understand how she can continue.

Also, I could not have children, which is very painful to me. My husband and I have lived our lives without children for more than two decades. I was not planning for this at all! When I married my husband, he took the girl off of his insurance and stopped paying and I married him with the idea that that would be the end of it. Now, 20 years later, I feel as though she is coming to almost like intrude on what we have. I feel it is HER that is jealous of me because her father chose me over her. That is not my problem.

Your funny lady. We see right through you. YOu have no case. YOur husband is the only one that can make this stop and he obviously doesn't want it to. This is his only child. There actually might be a court order out on him or it's already established he is the father if she was getting support and she was on his insurance at a point in time. She might actually be able to have her mother sue for back support or get the state involved to get their money if indeed they were on assistance.

That is another thing I am concerned about. My husband never took a dna test, but he is on her birthcertificate, and she was on his insurance, and he was paying child support until we got married and I made him stop supporting the girl. Now, how can I be assured that she does not file some type of action? Her mother never filed a paternity suit or child support order. Please tell me that there is nothing that they can do now about this. There can be no way that they can file an action against us after nearly 20 years on top of all of this. We have worked so hard for our money.

You are one pitiful excuse for a human being.

As a mother, I am so glad that you are not counted among our ranks.

As a believer in Karma...Im LMAO at you, your deadbeat husband and your sad situation. See, Karma is where what you put out into the universe will eventually make its way back to you. You put out selfless deeds and kindness and it will be returned moreover....Lets see now...

1. Your then fiance sowed his wild oats in someone elses garden and an innocent child blossomed into this universe

2. You then forced your husband to abandon his child and stop supporting her

3. Then YOU cant have kids of your own...

4. You live a happy and healthy childless life with said deadbeat who all this time has avoided his responsiblity which by the way didnt go away just because YOU made him stop supporting her.

5. Now the Child of your husbands passion with another woman comes a callin and your freaking out cause " like oh my god!!! She might want our money!!!"

Sounds live the universe is righting itself to me. I hope justice knocks on your door and knocks you both on your selfish, child neglecting, nonsupporting, deadbeat asses.

I hope there is cause for civil action also. I mean the damage you did to that poor child and her mother! The nerve!

That is another thing I am concerned about. My husband never took a dna test, but he is on her birthcertificate, and she was on his insurance, and he was paying child support until we got married and I made him stop supporting the girl. Now, how can I be assured that she does not file some type of action? Her mother never filed a paternity suit or child support order. Please tell me that there is nothing that they can do now about this. There can be no way that they can file an action against us after nearly 20 years on top of all of this. We have worked so hard for our money.

Actually quite possible he may be paying the support go get the funds ready honey. You're in for a battle. And how dare YOU have him stop supporting his child. He's on teh birth certificate idiot. You did more damage of telling him to stop supporting than you can imagine. They should lock you up never mind him. NO wonder you can't have kids. God already saw the ugliness in you. It's true karma is a b****

Shannon,

You are taking some type of approach as if my husband owes this girl. The girl was born to a woman out of wedlock. My husband was never made to her. The girl is technically a batard, is she not? I mean, I wanted to have children badly, but I do not believe that the desires of a child take precedents over an adult marriage.

Shannon,

You are taking some type of approach as if my husband owes this girl. The girl was born to a woman out of wedlock. My husband was never made to her. The girl is technically a batard, is she not? I mean, I wanted to have children badly, but I do not believe that the desires of a child take precedents over an adult marriage.

Ummm blood...no blood....i think blood takes the cake and his name is on teh birth certificate. Be prepared. It's his child...get it thru you thick skull. You're so blinded and hurt because you couldn't have any children. Do not stand in the way of this man and his child. You're marriage can end today with a divorce. She will always be his child. His blood runs thru her. She is his child not a bastard. Just because they were not married does not mean he wasn's supposed to support her. He I guess realizes how foolish he was to have listened to you because now he could very well be in debt to her mom or the state for the rest of his life.

So wait let me get this straight. Because my son was born out of wedlock you believe his father should not support him? If all children were born out of wedlock they don't have the same rights as a child born to parents who ARE married...oh hell no. See this is why God doesn't like ugly.

You are one pitiful excuse for a human being.

As a mother, I am so glad that you are not counted among our ranks.

As a believer in Karma...Im LMAO at you, your deadbeat husband and your sad situation. See, Karma is where what you put out into the universe will eventually make its way back to you. You put out selfless deeds and kindness and it will be returned moreover....Lets see now...

1. Your then fiance sowed his wild oats in someone elses garden and an innocent child blossomed into this universe

2. You then forced your husband to abandon his child and stop supporting her

3. Then YOU cant have kids of your own...

4. You live a happy and healthy childless life with said deadbeat who all this time has avoided his responsiblity which by the way didnt go away just because YOU made him stop supporting her.

5. Now the Child of your husbands passion with another woman comes a callin and your freaking out cause " like oh my god!!! She might want our money!!!"

Sounds live the universe is righting itself to me. I hope justice knocks on your door and knocks you both on your selfish, child neglecting, nonsupporting, deadbeat asses.

I hope there is cause for civil action also. I mean the damage you did to that poor child and her mother! The nerve!

Very well put might i add.

and she was on his insurance, and he was paying child support until we got married and I made him stop supporting the girl
:eek: You are a pathetic excuse for a human. It is women like you who make women like me look bad. You say I don't understand because I've never been there? WRONG!!

7 yrs ago, after my husband died, I met a wonderful man, and fell in love. When we met he was paying CS. 6 months later he stopped paying. I disagreed with him and almost didn't marry him because of his refusal to pay CS. However, I did marry him and a yr later I convinced him to resume paying his CS. You get that? HE didn't want to pay- I INSISTED that he should pay. I did this even though it was taking money out of my pocket. I went without alot of things, I even had to wait 3 yrs to get my dentures fixed. All because I insisted that my husband do the right thing. I do NOT regret any moment of it, even though it was difficult financially, and I would make the same decision all over again if needed.

My hubby had to modify the CS twice, due to his kids growing up, his ex accused ME of hiding his money by putting things in my name, etc. All of which was NOT true. Then later I learned that when my hubby was married to her , he was supposed to be paying CS to his first wife. Well, wife # 2 insisted that he not pay, helped him hide his income, and even wisked him out of state when the police came to arrest him for non payment of CS. This idiot had the nerve to accuse me, the one insisting that SHE get her CS, of doing the exact same sneaky underhanded things that she herself was guilty of! You and my husband's ex are 2 examples of what a wife should NEVER be where CS is concerned- greedy and despicable.
If you have any other legal questions, I suggest that you consult with an attorney, because I, for one, am not going to answer any more questions from you because frankly, you are scum, and not worth my time.
Xena :(

Brava! Brava! Xena you are a beautiful human being!

btw...yOU GO GIRL! :D

Maybe I can shed some light on this as I have been on every side of the fence imaginable. First of all, my mother was from "the wrong side of the tracks," and was just poor white trash, to put it nicely. She and my father married very, very young. I was raised by my paternal grandparents who were indeed young enough to be my biological parents. I was never reallly their own child, and even though I knew that they loved me, I just never bonded with them as I have bonded with my own child, which is a story in and of itself. Even still, to this day, I am not accepted by my paternal grandparents as their own child (because I'm not), I never bonded with my mother nor my father because they didn't raise me, and my maternal grandparents and my entire maternal side of the family views me as a snobby ***** because I don't smoke dope, have never been arrested, don't molest my children, and won't allow others to have sexual contact with my children (11, 8, and 5).

I, too, was told I would be childless. As a matter of fact, I screwed around from about age 15, right up until I got married, and never got pregnant. I found out the day before I got married that I was pregnant with my miracle child. She indeed is a gift from God. Since then, I have never been able to conceive again.

My husband and I, desiring more children, have fostered two beautiful girls, in addition to our one and only child, for nearly three years now, with aspirations of adopting them in the near future. I see every day in my foster daughters, and have lived the rejection that this 20 year old woman feels. My husband too lives with rejection from his deceased father's side of the family, who has never fully accepted him as their own, even though he was born in wedlock.

Peggysue, I understand and accept your old fashioned values that marriage comes before children. If there were more people with old fashioned values the world would be a much better place to live.

From every post of yours that I have read, you emminate fear. What is it that you are really and truly afraid of?

Peggysue, whether you agree with the facts or not, here they are:
1. Your husband acknowledged paternity of a child born out of wedlock. He agreed in writing that this child was his. He has very little chance of changing this in most states, unless he has new information that gives him reason to believe that the child is not his. This has not happened.
2. He had a financial obligation to a minor child, which he at some point he stopped fulfilling.
3. Child support obligations typically adulthood survives a number of years.

I understand your belief that this woman should not just show up out of the blue, and your thought process that she should have shown up before now if she were just curious about him. I, myself, am only about 10 years older than her, and know that she may just now be able to look for him. There is no telling what untruths her mother has told her about her father. Don't you want everyone in the world to see your husband in the same light that you do?

I do agree that she has no entitlements to your business, your assets, or your life. HOWEVER.....

You now have to decide whether or not this is worth your marriage of 20 years because it is entirely possible that your husband could very well decide that it is! This is an obligation, or a debt, that he had before he met you. I also understand your legitimate fears about what would happen to your finances and your future if she wants 18 or so years worth of child support.

If she does not demand money, what will it hurt for your husband to start a relationship with her? She is also of childbearing years to boot, and you own a business. Would this not be the perfect opportunity to live vicariously through someone, when she finally has some grandchildren? You are in the PERFECT position, with owning your own business and stuff, to still earn money and have the opportunity bond with children and get a taste of what you long for.

Also, what is your real aversion to children born out of wedlock? After all, Jesus Christ himself, according to what you have defined in your posts, was a bastard child.

Take it from me, this girl didn't ask to be born, your huband didn't ask to be looked up after 18 years, and you didn't ask to be in this situation in between. But guess what? The planets have aligned to now bring all of you together for some reason.

Didn't your husband want children too? The Bible says, in a nutshell, that love is sacrificing and not selfish. Even if it's not with you, don't you want to see the desires of your husband's heart fulfilled?

I pose to you, Peggysue, one last question, and I pose it as a hypothetical. Let's suppose that your dear husband, the apple of your eye, has just been diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia, and needs a bone marrow transplant. Your stepdaugther is the only match that your husband won't reject. What would you do if you were in her shoes? Would you help him, or turn your back? How would you then feel if she refused to help him? You can't tell me that you wouldn't blame yourself for helping to sever those bonds.

I'm not passing judgements as others have, I just want you to think about that, and let me know what you think.

Maybe I can shed some light on this as I have been on every side of the fence imaginable. First of all, my mother was from "the wrong side of the tracks," and was just poor white trash, to put it nicely. She and my father married very, very young. I was raised by my paternal grandparents who were indeed young enough to be my biological parents. I was never reallly their own child, and even though I knew that they loved me, I just never bonded with them as I have bonded with my own child, which is a story in and of itself. Even still, to this day, I am not accepted by my paternal grandparents as their own child (because I'm not), I never bonded with my mother nor my father because they didn't raise me, and my maternal grandparents and my entire maternal side of the family views me as a snobby ***** because I don't smoke dope, have never been arrested, don't molest my children, and won't allow others to have sexual contact with my children (11, 8, and 5).

I, too, was told I would be childless. As a matter of fact, I screwed around from about age 15, right up until I got married, and never got pregnant. I found out the day before I got married that I was pregnant with my miracle child. She indeed is a gift from God. Since then, I have never been able to conceive again.

My husband and I, desiring more children, have fostered two beautiful girls, in addition to our one and only child, for nearly three years now, with aspirations of adopting them in the near future. I see every day in my foster daughters, and have lived the rejection that this 20 year old woman feels. My husband too lives with rejection from his deceased father's side of the family, who has never fully accepted him as their own, even though he was born in wedlock.

Peggysue, I understand and accept your old fashioned values that marriage comes before children. If there were more people with old fashioned values the world would be a much better place to live.

From every post of yours that I have read, you emminate fear. What is it that you are really and truly afraid of?

Peggysue, whether you agree with the facts or not, here they are:
1. Your husband acknowledged paternity of a child born out of wedlock. He agreed in writing that this child was his. He has very little chance of changing this in most states, unless he has new information that gives him reason to believe that the child is not his. This has not happened.
2. He had a financial obligation to a minor child, which he at some point he stopped fulfilling.
3. Child support obligations typically adulthood survives a number of years.

I understand your belief that this woman should not just show up out of the blue, and your thought process that she should have shown up before now if she were just curious about him. I, myself, am only about 10 years older than her, and know that she may just now be able to look for him. There is no telling what untruths her mother has told her about her father. Don't you want everyone in the world to see your husband in the same light that you do?

I do agree that she has no entitlements to your business, your assets, or your life. HOWEVER.....

You now have to decide whether or not this is worth your marriage of 20 years because it is entirely possible that your husband could very well decide that it is! This is an obligation, or a debt, that he had before he met you. I also understand your legitimate fears about what would happen to your finances and your future if she wants 18 or so years worth of child support.

If she does not demand money, what will it hurt for your husband to start a relationship with her? She is also of childbearing years to boot, and you own a business. Would this not be the perfect opportunity to live vicariously through someone, when she finally has some grandchildren? You are in the PERFECT position, with owning your own business and stuff, to still earn money and have the opportunity bond with children and get a taste of what you long for.

Also, what is your real aversion to children born out of wedlock? After all, Jesus Christ himself, according to what you have defined in your posts, was a bastard child.

Take it from me, this girl didn't ask to be born, your huband didn't ask to be looked up after 18 years, and you didn't ask to be in this situation in between. But guess what? The planets have aligned to now bring all of you together for some reason.

Didn't your husband want children too? The Bible says, in a nutshell, that love is sacrificing and not selfish. Even if it's not with you, don't you want to see the desires of your husband's heart fulfilled?

I pose to you, Peggysue, one last question, and I pose it as a hypothetical. Let's suppose that your dear husband, the apple of your eye, has just been diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia, and needs a bone marrow transplant. Your stepdaugther is the only match that your husband won't reject. What would you do if you were in her shoes? Would you help him, or turn your back? How would you then feel if she refused to help him? You can't tell me that you wouldn't blame yourself for helping to sever those bonds.

I'm not passing judgements as others have, I just want you to think about that, and let me know what you think.

NIcely put.

I have a reply for the wife who is pissed about the daughter coming around. Number One: she does have the right to know her dad and to be involved with him and in his life if he so chooses.
Number Two: She deserves his medical history and background due to her own personal medical issues that she may have or be afraid of having. I am adopted and I do not have that info unfortunately but would so love to have it. I had a daughter almost two years ago and was very afraid of what types of possible genetic issues I myself could have a nd possibly carry on to my daughter. So my advice would be to let him pursue whatever relationship he wants with her and if she should pose a serious problem in the future then I would recommend harrassment or even more but as for now, let her have a relationship with her biological father or at the very least should it not work out at least have closure for herself. My husband has nothing to do with any of his prior 3 kids either and I worry every day about what it will be like in the future when they are all three grown adults and want to know what happened. I do not feel okay about it but at the same time I have to respect him and his wishes...he is my husband for better or for worse. do not keep this girl from a possibly wonderful and very meaningful life with her father.

Marriage before children? Are you kidding me!? Blood is thicker than water. . . sorry!

Okay, I'm going to offer my 2 cents worth to this one:

1. If the husband wishes to pursue a relationship with his daughter, I think his wife should be supportive of his decision. After all, she may benefit from that relationship as well.

2. Children are not supposed to be the center of a marriage. Children are merely an extension of the marriage (presuming it is an intact marriage).

I do not agree with the OP forcing her husband to stop paying CS, but I certainly understand why she feels threatened. Her husband has something with someone else that she so desperately wanted to have with him but couldn't. It's like a big slap in the face.

I know whereof I speak.

Shannon,

You are taking some type of approach as if my husband owes this girl. The girl was born to a woman out of wedlock. My husband was never made to her. The girl is technically a batard, is she not? I mean, I wanted to have children badly, but I do not believe that the desires of a child take precedents over an adult marriage.



Peggy Sue,

You use the term "bastard" with such venom.
At one point, this "bastard" you speak of was an innocent baby. And now she has grown into an innocent young woman. She is not at fault and I think that calling her a "bastard" is terrible. She didn't ask to be conceived. And she has every right to seek out support, both financially and emotionally.
She did nothing wrong. Your husband is the wrong one for blowing off his responsibility for her all these years.
I know you are hurting and I really hope you see that if anyone has the right to be hurt it is the girl you call a bastard.
Shame on you.

Jennifer

Peggy Sue,

You use the term "bastard" with such venom.
At one point, this "bastard" you speak of was an innocent baby. And now she has grown into an innocent young woman. She is not at fault and I think that calling her a "bastard" is terrible. She didn't ask to be conceived. And she has every right to seek out support, both financially and emotionally.
She did nothing wrong. Your husband is the wrong one for blowing off his responsibility for her all these years.
I know you are hurting and I really hope you see that if anyone has the right to be hurt it is the girl you call a bastard.
Shame on you.

Jennifer

Peggy Sue is the reason he stopped paying support.

Why would you not let this child (Adult) Know who her father is. It's not her fault. I'm sure she would like to know his side of family history. Your a grown woman why can't you get a long with another adult?

Peggy Sue is the reason he stopped paying support.



shame on her. its not the poor girl's fault. I know Peggy is hurting but I don't really see why. It's the girl who should be hurting.

And I don't like the way Peggy Sue calls her a "bastard".
That's just wrong.

shame on her. its not the poor girl's fault. I know Peggy is hurting but I don't really see why. It's the girl who should be hurting.

And I don't like the way Peggy Sue calls her a "bastard".
That's just wrong.

I touched on that as well. this man's daughter she calls a "bastard" because she couldn't bring forth a child of her own. She is the reminder of what she could never do which is produce. This man must now realize the terrible mistake and that's why he is not turning his daughter away. This Peggy Sue no longer has control.

I agree with you Tahari, he obviously realizes what a mistake he made by allowing this troll to dictate to him what kind of a relationship he was allowed to have with his daughter. I bet he has already filed for the divorce, what do you think?

I agree with you Tahari, he obviously realizes what a mistake he made by allowing this troll to dictate to him what kind of a relationship he was allowed to have with his daughter. I bet he has already filed for the divorce, what do you think?

I doubt she'll let us know the end of this morbid tale...oh pity me...the wretch has come for our money...oh woe me..i couldn't have his child so i told him to give up the only child he'll ever have...yuck...don't make me gag.

According to her babies born out of wedlock don't exist. Puleeeeaaaaaaaase. Babies born period seems to be the issue.

I just have to say that I am in shock.

My father divorced my mother when I was 4 months old. He claimed that I wasn't his because of the fact that he was having an affair with a 17 year old girl at the time. I look more like my father than any of my other siblings (two brothers and an adopted sister) and my son also looks like his duplicate. He quit paying child support when my mother left with me and my three older siblings when I was 5 to move out of state. Prior to that he beat my mother and left her for dead.

My father has basically had nothing to do with me my entire life. I am now 32 with four children of my own. Three years ago after my children asked me if my father was dead, I had to then deal with the issue that my children deserved to know who thier grandfather is. I wrote him a letter, and sent him a picture of his grandchildren. I had not contacted him in the past because he had made comments that I would come asking for money. I do not want money from my dad and I did not want him to feel that was why I was seeking him out again. To my amazement my father took the opportunity to include us in his life again. I am not saying that we are close, but it is a wound that has only been allowed to begin to heal because all of us took the opportunity to put our own feelings aside. His wife could be bitter like you. She also was not able to have any children of her own (my father had a vasectomy when he discovered my mother was pregnant with me). She is loving to my children and accepts them as her own grandchildren and is kind to me. Now if I can contact my father after 28 years, then why is it so unimaginable for your husband's daughter to contact your husband now? I feel you are making a big mistake. I know how bad it hurts when you want to have a child of your own, and it feels like others who shouldn't be able to can(someone unmarried for example). I had multiple miscarraiges and at the time I was surrounded by pregnant teens on drugs who I felt at the time had no business being mothers who were having children. It seemed so unfair. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't thier fault. It just happened. Something beautiful happened 20 years ago. Your husband became a father. Nothing you do or say at this point will change that fact. You have a chance now to be a grandmother. Take this opportunity to heal, and to embrace your step daughter and grandson. Your relationship with your husband will not be harmed by his daughter entering his life. The only harm will come if you do not accept her and create tension. Marraige is a strong bond, but I disagree with the theory that the marraige comes first. I would always do what was right for my children, even if it meant that I had to give up my marraige. I have been married myself for 14 years (yes I was also a teen mom, and the father of my child and I have been lucky to still have each other and still love each other for this long time regardless of the fact that we were married so young)

Becoming a mother herself, your step daughter has questions, and a new understanding to the situation that she lacked before. Don't be so offended that she called. She wants to know who her son looks like. Does he have your husband's eyes, ears or other distinguishable characteristics? I can imagine that she is incredibly hurt right now. It took a lot of courage for her to take that step to contact her father. I know I was shaking for weeks after I wrote to mine. If I had been recieved in the same way I would have been devastated. Find some kind of ground that you are comfortable with, and discuss your fears with your husband.

Your only enemy is fear. Your step daughter is not your enemy.