my daughter and her father got into an argument last night. it was his night to have her (and her sister who is 10) spend the night - wednesday night. my 13 year old has always been a great student, but lately, her grades are starting to fall a bit, and it's got both me and her father concerned. however, her father's concern turned into anger and rage where it caused my 13 year old & her father to argue loudly in public as well him grabbing her arm and then she claims neck and then face (i didn't see him touch her, i was in the house until i heard her scream). it scared her to death and she said she didn't want to go with him. i am concerned about two things: 1. is this considered physical violence? my neighbors were concerned as it happend out in front of the street. my daughter was crying hysterically and her father was yelling at her telling her how she feels/thinks, etc. 2. my 13 year old did not wish to go to her dad's house even though every wednesday for the past 9 years she has been doing this. can she choose to not go to her dad's at any time? i told her to go because i didn't know what else to do. i thought it best that they work out their differences in a calm manner. i did not feel that he would harm her. he promised me he wouldn't touch her. it absolutely broke my heart...
does anyone have any insight? :confused:

I suggest that you take a look at your court order regarding conservatorship and possession. For the most part, they're all the same but each have slight variances depending on the laws in each state.

You should look for what rights and duties her father has during his time of possession. It is difficult to define whether or not this is physical violence since there were no witnesses. It's probable that the order would state that during his time of possession, he has the duty of control and reasonable discipline of your daughter. This would make it difficult to call it physical violence since it could've been his way of "reasonable discipline."

The order should also state whether or not your daughter is required to see her father. Most court orders will state that secondary conservatorship depends on the schedule of the child and the primary conservator. If you do have this option, or a related option, you should be able to exercise it and let your daughter decide what she wants to do.

Take a look and let me know if you have any questions...

thank you for the reply. i know that since we have joint custody, he has the option to decide "right of refusal". to me, that means he can use his judgement on how to raise the kids and give me input, etc. i have physical custody. the visitation doesn't specify if the kids are "required" to see their dad...it does outline that he has certain visitation times/days each week and during holidays. that's it. is it based strictly on how's it's phrased?

now the incident that happened last night was witnessed by our neighbors at MY residence. one of the neighbors told me she saw the whole thing and was concerned, but assured me that he didn't hurt her (no bruises, etc.). i am not sure what the second part of your response to my daughter having say on whether or not she wants to see her dad, is she required to do so, no matter what...could you clarify? do i need to consult w/an attorney?

If this is an isolated incident, then I think it can be worked out, but if you think your daughter is maybe playing the situation in public, then you need to talk to her about your legal obligation to let her see her father and both parents' obligation to make sure she is attending school and making progress toward graduation and doign well in school. I think your child may have thrown in some histrionics here, as t he father maybe said some things she did not like but maybe needed to hear. It is really a hard call to make because on here no one knows the parties involved and so on, so you are going to have to follow your own gut so to speak and talk with a counselor if you are in doubt or not sure.