My Mom met my "bio-Dad" when she was 14 (he was in the Army) and got her pregnant, my oldest brother "Rick" was the result. My brother Kenneth was born a year after my brother Rick and then 8 years later I came along. Right after I was born I guess the responbility was too much for my "Bio-Dad" and so he and my Mom split up. He was also an alcoholic from what I was always told. After they split up I only saw "Bio-Dad" one time years later when I was about 4 years old. He didn't come to see me....he was in a car with some buddies of his and stopped by drunk and I saw him from a distance...I remember that only because he stole my dog. My brother Kenneth gave it to him and then they drove off. Anyway...my Mom had met my Step-Dad when I was still like a year old and they got married. My Step-Dad was and still is a good and honorable man. He stepped into the picture and took charge, provided for all of us and loved us with all of his heart...unconditionally. I always wondered about my "Bio-Dad" but I resented him for never showing a desire to come around and at least meet me. It's for this reason that I NEVER wanted anything to do with him as I grew older ...not that he ever showed any interest anyway. I've reflected back and I think that if he would have showed some interest...I would have wanted to at least get to know him. From what I was told by my older brothers (who kept in contact with that side of the family) "Bio-Dad" actually cleaned up his act and became a good and respectable man himself eventually. He remarried and had more kids. He died in 1987....he was only in his late 40's. My mother always talked very badly about him and this angered my older brothers because they loved and missed him. I never knew him and he never made an attempt to know me....so this trash talk had more of an effect on me. It solidified my dislike of him.

Many years later....I have spent 6 years in the Marine Corps and got out in 1995...met my wife 1 year later in 1996 and we were married May 17th, 1997. We have 3 wonderful young boys, Travis age 7, Jackson age 2 and Cameron age 6 months. I love my boys with all my heart...they are EVERYTHING to me. The sad news is I lost my job back in March, '05 and in July...my wife of 8 years decided that she wanted a divorce. I finally obtained a new job (lower pay) but I've got money coming back in again. I think the pressure from financial trouble combined with other smaller things was too much for her. She decided to file based on irreconcileable differences and so now we are in the middle of splitting up. I'm trying hard to reconcile with her but she is determined to go it alone. I respect her for wanting to be independant but I can't ignore the effect this is having and is yet to have on our boys. I still love her very much but I don't think she believes anymore that I do. Truth is...for many years I was emotionally distant and kept my feelings bottled up and would spend hours on the computer everyday and although I was there at home....I was miles away. This hurt her and I've since woken up from that deep sleep and realized how wrong I was to remain so distant. There are things in my past that I never told her....never told anyone. I won't go into details here but I was abused as a child and have always been ashamed of it...so I've told no one...not my parents, not relatives...and not my wife. As this divorce has unfolded...I have reflected back and realized that this is what caused me years ago to bottle things up, build a thick and tall wall and become distant. As a result, I would just drift off into my own little world and leave my family for hours at a time each day while I stayed in my own little world. I feel very ashamed of doing that and it may be too late now to undo the damage that caused but since I can't change the past...I can change how I do things now. I've begun by sitting down with my wife and telling her about my "abuse" as a small child and I spend every second of my free time when I'm off work playing with the boys, taking them places, doing things with them. I took my wife to dinner last week and I'm playing as active a role as I possibly can.

I am sorry for going off topic here and rattling on about my own problems. I'm just "free-writing" my thoughts here and hoping that some information might benefit you ...or someone reading this thread. I think the point I would make here is that parents should make EVERY effort to get along...or work together for the sake of their children. Even the smallest thing can have life altering effects on your children. My life has been my own to live and I never truly believed that my real Dad not being around caused any damage but it did cause damage...and ripple effects that still can be felt to this day. I am very lucky to have my Step-Dad...he is the BEST and I could not have asked for a better "Father". No matter what happens between me and my wife...I will do everything in my power to be there for my boys and I will not leave them. Even if my wife and I don't work things out and reconcile...I will only live a few miles away and will see my boys very often and will be active in every part of their lives, school events, picnics, holiday events, sports, camping, etc. If there are any Dads out there reading this....if you are emotionally detached or"asleep" and not giving your family the attention they deserve....please...wake up and be with them, love them and show them how much they mean to you. Don't take your family for granted. Show ..and tell your wife how much she means to you and how much you appreciate her. Tell her how beautiful she is and tell her often. Same goes for you ladies out there. A little appreciation goes a long way. Tell your guy how much you appreciate him and all that he does. Some couples just aren't meant to stay together...they are like oil and water...but the kids didn't ask to be in the situation. Love the kids, be there for them and don't let your problems with your estranged spouse get in the way of showing your kids love and attention. Oh...and please don't talk badly about the other parent to your kids...no matter how frustrated you are about the situation...it will only hurt you and the others in the long run.

/.02

Steve in TN

wow what a story. i am glad that u got a great dad out of it. the reason i didn't say step is cause since he was there for u your whole life he is very much your dad and horray for him for being there like that. you sound like u are a great dad and horray for u as well. too many parents now days are stuck on being bitter towards one another and it hurts the children worst of all. i hope u are able to work it out with your wife. please keep us informed. good luck with everything.

I was just informed by my wife today that she is getting me kicked out of our house. She is at the lawyer's office right now signing papers so I get sent a "Notice to Vacate Premises" even though my name is on the mortgage and I have just as much vested interest in the home as she does. I'm in shock and do not know what to do now.

wow i am so sorry to hear that. sounds like she is not wanting to even think about workin it out(sorry). i would look into getting your own lawyer too. my husband got totally screwed when he got divorced. because she got to keep the child with her she got the house (both names were on it) the car, same deal, and had to pay child support. he had no place to go and no way to get there cause they only had 1 vechile. so he had to call his parents to come get him so he had to quit his job cause they lived in another town.
so i would really consider gettin a lawyer to help u fight for what is yours as well. don't just give everything up cause she will most likely b keeping the children. the children will be fine as long as they are taken care of and know they are still loved no matter what happens.

...and I know exactly how you feel. My bio dad was never interested in me or my 2 brothers (I am his only daughter); the only thing he wanted to do was beat up my mother. I also had a step-dad who was just that--a step-dad, not someone I could really consider my father. I have never known what it is like to call someone "Daddy." Even though I am 43 years old, it still hurts me to know that my father isn't interested in me. My first husband was very much like you...everything seemed to be more important, and I was always left behind in the dust. I finally asked for a separation, and even though we went through counselling, nothing changed. In the end, we divorced. I moved out of state because I couldn't stand being so near and him not wanting me. I ended up marrying a total loser on the rebound, and quickly dissolved that union. I contacted my first husband and we started seeing each other again. We were married for 15 years and dated another 1 1/2 years after my second divorce. But still nothing changed. I had to face the fact that he was never going to put me first in his life. I finally broke it off for good. Shortly thereafter I met a wonderful man who is everything I had ever dreamed of and we are now married and we just purchased a home. My first husband contacted me a few months later and decided that he wanted me back, but by then it was too late. If he had met me halfway during the time we were dating again, things would have been different. I would have gone to the ends of the earth for him, but to him I was nothing. Maybe your wife needs time to think. We all have periods in our life when we need to pull back and regroup. If you want to reconcile with your wife, ask her to not do anything final at this time. Hopefully your state has a period of separation before you can divorce. Take this time to work on your own issues, go to counselling with your wife, spend time with your boys and your wife. Give her the opportunity to see that you are not just paying lip service, SHOW her that you are committed to her and your family. She may need that time to build up her trust in you. Hopefully it is not too late for you. If you believe in it, hell, even if you don't, I will say a prayer for you. Your post is so heartfelt and sincere and I wish you the best.

You are so right about ripple effects and long term damage.

I am so very sorry for doing what I had to do today. I cried all the way there and all the way back. I told you I needed time to figure things out a long time ago and you have had the time and the opportunity to not only seek a second job but to find an apartment on your own. I feel like I am kicking a child out of the nest and watching to see if it will fly or fall.

I really, really hope you fly.

And I want to fly too. I want to be able to support our kids in a manner to which they have never been accustomed to. I dont want to live paycheck to paycheck anymore. I never want them or myself to be ignored or put on the back burner again. I dont ever want to be made to feel unloved or unuseful or unimportant ever again. I want to matter and I will.

I feel like after 8 years I finally have your attention. Its just a shame that this is what it took to get it.

I have said it before and I will say it again. There may be another chance for us in the future but right now, we both have our own issues to deal with and a lot of growing up to do. The best thing to do is just get started.

ok that one kinda confused me shannon are u the wife?

I sent her the link today for the site because I've seen a lot of information here that I think would be beneficial to her as well and I hope that it can help both of us in the long run. We shall see how things play out. I'm in this for the long haul. I have a lot of proving to do but my priorities are straight for the first time in a long while...or at least as straight as they have ever been. I'm still a work in progress but at least I can finally see what is going on around me because I've dropped those walls that I had once built up to protect me from hurt...because I have finally realized that those walls ..while originally built to keep me from getting hurt ...ended up hurting the family that I love and care about. Any prayers would be greatly appreciated.

thank you for letting me know. the confusion is cleared now. what i posted earlier was in no means to offend anyone. i sincerely hope that u 2 may work this out. i would hate to hear that after all the things that may happen is the one thing u are trying to prevent the children getting hurt. yes they are all right maybe try not to make a final divorce decision til after u both have had your time apart and make sure this really is in the best interest for both of u. having been almost at the verge of divorce myself i know how awful u must be feeling about what happened. but the best thing to come out of it is u have realized and are now tryin to make up for it. my husband guilted me out of filing for divorce but also in the process of doing that he let me in on how much he really did love me which i had been doubting for a while. not the best way for him to keep me from filing but it did the trick. so to u shannon i hope that u get what u need (be it time away to think or the divorce) in whichever case gl2u. and to u sjames i wish u the best of luck and hope everything turns out the way u would like, and god bless u for finding the error of your ways and doing what u can to try and fix the problem. and god bless those beautiful children. i can see they are very much loved.

You never know whatcha got til its gone...Wow...I do not know either of you but this post brought tears to my eyes. Maybe I am just emotional myself but I truly hope that you both find what you are looking for in life.

To sjames...as a wife that sometimes feels very unappreciated I too agree that it is sad that it took losing her before you realized what you had. She obviously loves you very much as she would not have said that MAYBE there was a chance down the road. Respect that and give her some space. I truly believe in fate and if it is meant to be it will be. It sounds like now that you have been able to talk about your own past that you may need some time to figure things out for yourself as well. I wish you the best and you will be in my prayers.

To Shannon...good for you! That took a lot of guts and it sounds like if there is any chance for your relationship this was what needed to be done. That is a tough choice to make and I hope that it was the right one for you. I don't know either of you and surely cannot be a judge of your situation but it sounds like he truly loves you and realizes that he has some things to work on. I wish you the best as well and you too will be in my prayers.

God bless you both....

If there is a way to make things work between you two then try everything you can to make it happen. My ex would come home from work and get right on the computer and not spend time with me or the kids. I could never get him to understand. He could never admit that he needed to change anything or that anything was wrong so when someone can admit that then keep trying. If you both have issues to take care of then go to individual and marriage counseling. Make him prove to you he wants to change and is changing. It does not happen overnight so don't get too anxious. If you two can work this out your marriage will be so much stronger and it will be so much better for you and your children. I cried also because both of you sounded so sincere. I wish the best for you and your children. Good luck! Let us all know how you are doing. Remind us of who you were when you come back.

I can understand how long term effects of divorce hurt kids, because I am one of them. How my parents were towards each other gave me a view of marriage that may not look too favorable to other people. Perhaps what they went through is the exact reason why I don't want to get married.

My very first memory of what their marriage was like was literally my mother throwing dishes at my father and him moving out the next morning. This was the first of many separations and I never had an inkling why until I was into high school. And even now, almost into my 30s, I don't understand the truth of it all, but here's what I do know.

My father rarely came home at a decent hour if he came home at all. We believed him to really be at work and have yet proven unfaithfulness at that particular time. Eventually, he was laid off from his job and was without a job for quite some time...I think it was nearly a year, and during that time he withdrew to internet chat rooms and messengers. Naturally, my mother decided that she wanted a similar outlet since he made himself scarce. She self taught herself the computer and even how to program websites using Java. This created the first instance divorce actually loomed (this was the second time actually) and seemed certain. What had worked for them was marriage counciling and they grew quite close. They started spending time together, communicating...it was great.

Later yes, it all fell apart but for very different reasons...

In any case, ShannonEJ and sjames2k...see if it works out. Divorce and separation is very hard on kids and on you both. What I do recommend is family counseling for all of you. You two would need to work through issues and having the kids speak to someone is a good thing. I wish my brother and I were brought in on some of their therapy sessions.