How do you know what the right thing is to do when it comes to visitation? Who am I to say that the father cannot see his son even though it has been eight years? I tried to talk to my son and I told him I was being taken to court for visitation and that his dad wanted to see him. He started to cry and said he wasn't interested. I explained to him it would be supervised at first and someone else would be there with him. He said "Steven should have been there for me when I was a baby like baby Isabella" ( My sister just recently had a baby who is now three months old and we spend a lot of time with her and her boyfriend helping out ) This makes me very upset. I hurt inside because of this situation. Up until now we have been alright and made it, it seems as though everything is confusing. I guess no one likes change. How can I guarentee that his father is going to follow through with visitation and not let him down? Is it alright for this visitation thing to occur? How do you replace eight years of nothing? How do I help my son to understand how important this is? Steven has had no part in the development of this child. Steven wasn't there when he fell and got hurt. Steven wasn't there when he took his first steps. He wasn't there when he was sick, said his first word.....nothing. How do I make this alright for both of us?

You can try to get your son counseling, but maybe that is how he feels and counseling may not change that. I guess you can tell him that the court says that he has to try to know his father, and if he tries and it does not work and the counselor says forcing it is a detriment to him, then you will go back to the court to try and get things changed.
Tough situation for the kid to be in.

I have some advice from my experiences if you're interested. First, generally children will love a parent no matter what. If they are unfamiliar with them, that parent is a stranger and it's uncomfortable at first, but after a while they will grow to love them very much. Often visitation is difficult on the parents and the child. He may dissappoint your son by not showing up sometimes and that is hard - I would suggest telling your son the truth in a way that is not upsetting. For example, dad didn't come today, he was busy or made a bad decision by not putting you first, but I'm sure he still loves you just the same - we all make mistakes.

Also, are you remarried? If your son doesn't have a step-dad in the picture, then I think it could be a great opportunity for him to know his dad. If he did have a step-dad I would be tempted to say he is better off in a whole family unit and not have the interuption of visitation (after all this time). BUt if he doesn't have a dad figure it could be a big benefit to him in the long run to have his dad start coming around. The gap of having his dad gone for eight years will be gone after he gets to know him. Kids tend to forget and forgive things like that - it's the adults who hold grudges.

You can't keep his dad out unless you terminate his parental rights. So I'd suggest making sure you aren't making your son even more uncomfortable by talking bad about his dad. It's okay to tell him the truth, but not trash talk him. Everyone makes mistakes, even his dad.

Good luck. :)

I have never trash talked Christians' father to Christian. I always figured we were better off the way things were, because Steven never had enough time or Christian wasn't important enough. I have one picture of Christian's father which Christian sees...this is it. I answered any questions Christian had to the best of my ability. The thing is I don't even know him. I was young...pregnant at eighteen. Met at a party. More or less a one night thing. We tried to work things out. Steven was sixteen. He got locked up during pregnancy. We lived together for one month when I realized this isn't going to work. Since then there has been nothing. I tell Christian he is a special child because he has two dad's. Christian by choice within the last two years has started to call Greg-my boyfriend of five years- dad. Originally he called him Greg. Now he is dad to him. I would not add any more stress to this situation. I love my son and truely only want what is best due to the circumstances. I am not perfect nor claim to be. I just don't know what the best thing to do in this situation is. I tell Christian he can't see Steven but he does love him. I tell Christian what I know of him never trash talking him. Christian will form his own opinion on this situation. Thats what I want. I don't want an opinion that I or anyone else formed for him. I keep things nuetral as possible. Another man has taken on responsibility for Steven's son. Christian is loved by him. Taught by him and so forth. I guess there are no right answers for this. Greg and I spoke of him adopting Christian. We also spoke of having more children. I have a fear now of having more children and being left, therefore I will never marry nor have more children.

What would you do in my situation? Would you sign an agreement with the court for visitation and hope for the best? Would you fight the visitation process due to the eight year period? I don't want my actions to destroy Christian. I go back and forth on the whole issue. I stand by the fact that Steven is Christian's father and both should know each other. Christian should know Steven's family as well. He has that right. I just have a hard time with the time frame. If I call Steven, he will yell at me and tell me this is all my fault. I usually end up crying after the phone conversations. Steven makes me feel bad like I could have done more. I tried to drive Christian out a few times to see Steven. A psychologist told me to treat Steven as a distant relative due to the periods of time that go by without contact. I don't feel comfortable signing an agreement or sueing for sole custody.

I think you have a fair outlook on the whole thing and i know how heart wrenching it can be. If it were me, I'd get married and have my new husband adopt him. I understand your fear of marriage (that's how I felt for a time), but no relationship is guaranteed and by not making the comittment you are not preventing heartache, only preventing the possibility of a successful marriage. Anyway, the reason I'd do this is because I believe firmly in a whole family unit functioning as normal as possible (mom & dad in the home). Visitation is a huge disruption and emotional for the kids. I'm not against visitation (especially since i have two step kids I love very much), but if it were me and he'd never exercised visitation before, I'd leave it that way by having him adopted. A lot of non-custodial fathers would disagree with me, but as a mother and knowing how hard visitation CAN be (it can be good too), that's just what I'd do and I wouldn't think twice about it. But this is obviously a very personal decision with no guaranteed outcome. Good luck.

But the best thing to do is to allow it. Explain to him that you don't have any choice, that you could end up in jail for not obeying. My experience is that he will be a little uneasy at first, but if the man is serious about becoming dad the boy will love him no matter what. Young children have an amazing capacity for forgiveness. If you deny visitation that will be one more thing the dad can use against you. He'll blame his lack of involvement on you. So make it understood that not visiting is not an option. If dad isn't the real deal his true colors will show. There will be some growing pains but unless he's a total bad influence you need to give him the chance to know his son.

I don't think it is fair that this "father" is allowed to come and go as he pleases. I was the one who took full responsibility for my son. I was just as young as he was. The bottom line is Christian knows who has been there for him. I am his mother and father. For the first year I tried to stay in contact and stress how important it was that he be involved in Christian's life. He didn't care. When the child support order came he yelled at me saying fifty a week is to much. I have made far greater sacrifices due to this situation. It took five years to start to collect anything. The time I needed it most was when Christian was in diapers and formula. The bottom line is he never wanted this child. It was a gift to me. I don't feel the father has rights at this point. When Christian is eighteen he can look him up. There is no bond between them. The "father" does this periodically as far as wanting to see him. A doc told me to treat him as a distant relative to Christian due to his nature. Christian knows is father by a picture. That's it. It isn;t fair that this person can't disrupt Christian's life whenever he wants to. You may disagree with me but you haven't been here for the heartache and unanswered questions. I feel it is in the best interest of my child to not go through the visitation process, for my son has some else that he now calls Dad. We have been together for the last five years and talked about marriage and adoption.

I had a nice long post but I got off topic and wrote a novel so I decided to post that someplace else. What I will tell you here is this:

If the father wants to show an interest....let him come around but not unsupervised, at least not at first. My biological father never came around and as a result I grew to hate him but looking back now...if he would have made an effort...even if it were after years of not trying...I would have at least wanted to talk to him, get to know him and try to find out why. Please don't deny your children the chance to get to know the parent. My step-Dad is the bests Dad I could ever have and I thank God for him but I still would have liked to known him and now I can't because he died back in 1987.

Sorry to hear of this misfortune. I talk to my son about this situation. Many people say he is to young to talk to but I believe different. He may not fully understand but he understands what he can. Christian knows how it feels to be let down. This is something Christain has experienced with his father. Christian remembers things that I am surprised he does. Christian remembers words that were spoken to him by his father. Christian tells me he does not want to see him. He wants to wait until he is older. I am sure Christian has hard feelings towards his father, but after awhile everyone gets fed up with the "bull****". (Sorry) Then you take into account the time span and we feel this person truely doesn't care. I can tell you when my son's birthday is. The father can't tell you. If you love someone, you are there for them. He is perfectly capable of taking care of his son. He just decides not too. How do you justify that? My son and I talk about everything and anything. He feels he doesn't want to get to know him. I don't blame him......for he knows who is there for him and who isn't. The most important relationship for all beings is that with their parents. Throughout this relationship, a child is expected to recieve love......never did from father, support........never did from father, and learn important values and lessons about life.......never did from father. Steven was to young and unprepared for such responsibility. His inability to commit to good parenting techniques caused serious detriment to the life and well being of my son. Irresponsible parents practice multiple forms of abuse and neglect including abandonment, physical and emotional abuse and neglect. Abandonment occurs when the caregiver responsible for the child's welfare while being able makes no provisions for the childs support and makes no effort to communicate with the child. Steven doesn't have the right to demand visitation rights when he does not exercise these rights responsibily and fully. If you haven't seen or talked to your child for a number of years, then demand to see him, now that you are paying child support, the rights of my son to feel secure with you take precendence over any visitation rights Steven believes he has. When he failed to visit my son after telling him he would, he has no right to insist that when and if he does show up he be allowed to exercise the visitation right. He complained about paying child support. The amount of child support doesn't come anywhere near the costs of raising a child. The custodial parent is making far greater financial sacrifices devoting my entire life to my child and doing the best I can. Steven does not have a relationship with his son and it is solely one hundred percent his fault. I am not denying him visitation he gave up that right years ago. He chose to dsiregard his son. He chose to party and live acting as though Christian didn't exist. All I am trying to do is not allow it to become a disruption in our lives. Christian is doing and will continue to just fine without his sperm donar in his life. Christian has a true father now. Someone who is not connected biological but supports and takes care of him like his biological father should have.

I take into account other people's situations and I am thankful to hear about them. Sometimes opinions of others are helpful and it makes you think again or change your mind. At first I went back and forth on this situation. I cried for awhile after I found out becuase "he is doing it again". I believe Christian should know who his father is just not under these circumstances. If the court enforces it then they do. We will just have to deal with that. I don't think it is right to be able to pop in and out as you please. I deal with my son's heartache and I have to try to protect him from future heartache as far as this goes. Heartache is a part of life.......not from your parents. I was fortunate to have both my parents. Christian is not as fortunate. Again it is solely and one hundred percent the fathers choice to not be around.

I know what emotions you are going through, and I can completely understand your rationalization. However, it is also important that you understand the law. I know it's not "fair" that a father can come and go as her pleases, meanwhile upsetting the child, but it is the law. Visitation is a "right", not an obligation. That means he CAN come and go as he pleases as long as he is his father. You're only option is to have your son adopted which legally takes away his rights as his biological father. At that point, it is up to you whether or not you allow a relationship at anytime, but the bio-father will have no rights. Until then, he has rights and there is nothing you can do about it unless you don't abide by the law. The reason I'm stressing this point is because I can see your mental anguish over it - which is understandable, but as soon as you accept the facts and realize you are bound by the law, there are only so many choices you can even make anyways so there is no sense in torturing yourself over how to handle it. You have to handle it according to the law, unless you break the law, and in that case you can be penalized. You're not the only one in this situation, it one of the more common ones you will hear about unfortunately.