I am a single mother of two boys (8 and 2) who have two different fathers. My oldest son's father moved 3,000 miles away when I was 3 months pregnant with the intent of going there to work, save money and come back once the baby was born. While he was there, he got into some legal trouble, came back for our son's birth and left 10 days later for his court appearance. If he got probation, he would stay and come back once probation was over. If he had a fine, he'd pay it and be back within a month. He got a fine but then it was one excuse after another. I filed for child support when my son was 6 months old. We just went to court in April and FINALLY have a court order for support. He was ordered to pay $638/month and NO ARREARS. About a year ago he and I talked about child support. He asked if we calculated child support at $300/month x 12 months x 7 years =$25,200. He asked how much would I say that he's paid and I said maybe $10,000 and he said I was "giving him love" because he didn't think he had paid that much.

He and I had various verbal agreements over the years. The most I ever asked him to pay per month was $75/week. Mind you, I live in California (one of the most expensive states to live in) and my son was attending private school at the time ($565/month which includes extended care hours). He couldn't, wouldn't, didn't pay that consistently. What has upset me most about my situation is this:

1. He lives in his mother's basement and has for 6 out of the past 8 years. The period when he did have his own place, part of that (about 6 months) was living with another woman, who had a child. My beef was not in the fact that he moved on. I was relieved because I had moved on. However, my issue was with the fact that during this time, he was not paying child support and even claimed our son on his taxes. I look at that situation like this. You are providing 17% of the support for that child that is not biologically yours and not supporting your own. Meaning - he and the girl went 1/2 on the rent, utilities and other household expenses. But the girl and her child occupied 2/3 of the household.

2. He works for a major international corporation (think purple, white and green) so he makes great money. But you can't pay me $75/week and then you pay and your checks bounce.

3. It would be different if he lived closer and therefore was able to help with picking up and dropping off to school, school holidays when I still have to go to work, doctor's appointments, staying home when he's sick and the list could go on.

My youngest son ... his father is incarcerated. Although I can't get money from him, I have still already opened the case so that when he is released, I'm not doing a bunch of waiting. Plus, I will give him the same chance and opportunity that my oldest son's father had until he ruined it for himself.

So my question is this. Am I wrong for using the money that I now receive for my oldest son on my youngest son sometimes? Am I wrong for not actively pursuing child support for my oldest son until I knew that my youngest son's father was going to prison? Be honest :confused:

I am a single mother of two boys (8 and 2) who have two different fathers. My oldest son's father moved 3,000 miles away when I was 3 months pregnant with the intent of going there to work, save money and come back once the baby was born. While he was there, he got into some legal trouble, came back for our son's birth and left 10 days later for his court appearance. If he got probation, he would stay and come back once probation was over. If he had a fine, he'd pay it and be back within a month. He got a fine but then it was one excuse after another. I filed for child support when my son was 6 months old. We just went to court in April and FINALLY have a court order for support. He was ordered to pay $638/month and NO ARREARS. About a year ago he and I talked about child support. He asked if we calculated child support at $300/month x 12 months x 7 years =$25,200. He asked how much would I say that he's paid and I said maybe $10,000 and he said I was "giving him love" because he didn't think he had paid that much.

He and I had various verbal agreements over the years. The most I ever asked him to pay per month was $75/week. Mind you, I live in California (one of the most expensive states to live in) and my son was attending private school at the time ($565/month which includes extended care hours). He couldn't, wouldn't, didn't pay that consistently. What has upset me most about my situation is this:

1. He lives in his mother's basement and has for 6 out of the past 8 years. The period when he did have his own place, part of that (about 6 months) was living with another woman, who had a child. My beef was not in the fact that he moved on. I was relieved because I had moved on. However, my issue was with the fact that during this time, he was not paying child support and even claimed our son on his taxes. I look at that situation like this. You are providing 17% of the support for that child that is not biologically yours and not supporting your own. Meaning - he and the girl went 1/2 on the rent, utilities and other household expenses. But the girl and her child occupied 2/3 of the household.

2. He works for a major international corporation (think purple, white and green) so he makes great money. But you can't pay me $75/week and then you pay and your checks bounce.

3. It would be different if he lived closer and therefore was able to help with picking up and dropping off to school, school holidays when I still have to go to work, doctor's appointments, staying home when he's sick and the list could go on.

My youngest son ... his father is incarcerated. Although I can't get money from him, I have still already opened the case so that when he is released, I'm not doing a bunch of waiting. Plus, I will give him the same chance and opportunity that my oldest son's father had until he ruined it for himself.

So my question is this. Am I wrong for using the money that I now receive for my oldest son on my youngest son sometimes? Am I wrong for not actively pursuing child support for my oldest son until I knew that my youngest son's father was going to prison? Be honest :confused:

To answer your questions:

Are you wrong for using the CS money for your younger son?
Well, it all depends, are you still providing your older son with a roof over his head, food to eat, clothes to wear, electric, water, school supplies, gifts, and medical care? If so, then no you are not doing anything wrong at all.

Were you wrong for not actively pursuing CS earlier?
Unfortunately, yes. That is most likely the reason that the court did not order any retroactive CS. But, what's done is done, and you had your reasons at the time so I wouldn't worry about it now.

You have learned from your one mistake though, I'm glad that you have already gotten things started for the other father to pay CS as soon as he gets out.
Xena :)

I am a single mother of two boys (8 and 2) who have two different fathers. My oldest son's father moved 3,000 miles away when I was 3 months pregnant with the intent of going there to work, save money and come back once the baby was born. While he was there, he got into some legal trouble, came back for our son's birth and left 10 days later for his court appearance. If he got probation, he would stay and come back once probation was over. If he had a fine, he'd pay it and be back within a month. He got a fine but then it was one excuse after another. I filed for child support when my son was 6 months old. We just went to court in April and FINALLY have a court order for support. He was ordered to pay $638/month and NO ARREARS. About a year ago he and I talked about child support. He asked if we calculated child support at $300/month x 12 months x 7 years =$25,200. He asked how much would I say that he's paid and I said maybe $10,000 and he said I was "giving him love" because he didn't think he had paid that much.

He and I had various verbal agreements over the years. The most I ever asked him to pay per month was $75/week. Mind you, I live in California (one of the most expensive states to live in) and my son was attending private school at the time ($565/month which includes extended care hours). He couldn't, wouldn't, didn't pay that consistently. What has upset me most about my situation is this:

1. He lives in his mother's basement and has for 6 out of the past 8 years. The period when he did have his own place, part of that (about 6 months) was living with another woman, who had a child. My beef was not in the fact that he moved on. I was relieved because I had moved on. However, my issue was with the fact that during this time, he was not paying child support and even claimed our son on his taxes. I look at that situation like this. You are providing 17% of the support for that child that is not biologically yours and not supporting your own. Meaning - he and the girl went 1/2 on the rent, utilities and other household expenses. But the girl and her child occupied 2/3 of the household.

2. He works for a major international corporation (think purple, white and green) so he makes great money. But you can't pay me $75/week and then you pay and your checks bounce.

3. It would be different if he lived closer and therefore was able to help with picking up and dropping off to school, school holidays when I still have to go to work, doctor's appointments, staying home when he's sick and the list could go on.

My youngest son ... his father is incarcerated. Although I can't get money from him, I have still already opened the case so that when he is released, I'm not doing a bunch of waiting. Plus, I will give him the same chance and opportunity that my oldest son's father had until he ruined it for himself.

So my question is this. Am I wrong for using the money that I now receive for my oldest son on my youngest son sometimes? Am I wrong for not actively pursuing child support for my oldest son until I knew that my youngest son's father was going to prison? Be honest :confused:

It's really difficult to give an exact accounting for where the child support is spent. The reason is because if you spend it on certain things, you are still spending your own money on things for the child as well, so when you have your own income, or other sources plus child support, its hard to say where it is actually allocated. Therefore, to say you're using it for your younger son too may not be entirely accurate. But never-the-less, no one can tell you how to spend it. As long as you aren't neglecting your older child by spending on your younger child, I'm sure it's all the same.

You should have pursued child support of your oldest son long ago. It isn't your money, it's the child's money and you are doing your child a dis-service by not collecting that support for him. The fact of when you decide to collect is irrelevant, so I'd say its not wrong that you are starting to pursue it now that your youngest son's father is going to prison. The place you were wrong is by not enforcing it when it first became a problem.

Thank you ladies for answering. But just to clarify. I opened the case in January 1998 (oldest was born in July 1997). After I sent in the inital paperwork, I called a few times to check status but nothing really happened. In 2000, I called because I hadn't heard anything from them in so long. Had me come to the office, filed out the UIFSA paperwork and nothing. I had my younger son in April 2003 and that's when his father got into his trouble with the law that he's now serving time for. In December 2003, is when I called the Child Support division to check the status and got nothing again. By this time, the first Summons & Complaint had expired and the second was about to. I filed a complaint with the board and lo and behold, we never received your request for a State Hearing. August 2004, CS division claimed he had been served with the S&C only to find out in October that apparently he had been "personally served at my house" but he lives in New Jersey. Go figure. So we had to start all over again because the second S&C had expired. I just never felt it was necessary for me to call them every few weeks to see if they were doing their job. I wasn't awarded arrears because the new S&C was only from November 2004.

The sad part about all of this is they put all of their mistakes in writing. I really considered suing them for the arrears that I wouldn't be getting because the reality is that once I added up the amount of time that it took once I applied pressure is that it took about 18 months to finally get an order. I didn't pursue the lawsuit because I couldn't find an attorney who would be willing to take them on :( And I wasn't asking for a bunch of money just what I calculated as child support based on the state's presumed income guidelines, which came out to about $40,000.

In terms of my oldest son being taken care of. He is still a spoiled brat :) as he was before. It's just now with the child support coming in, I'll buy his stuff and pay the rent, bills out of my paycheck. But let's say I do all of that and I get my child support check on Saturdays usually and I need pull-ups.

The room deals wiht legal issues, not crisis of conscious. You sound like a responsible parent that does the best for her children. Some expenses are common like a home, utilities and food, so I think you may be stressing for nothing.