MISSOURI DILEMMA;
I am currently pregnant with my first child, six months along. I have not had a relationship with the father since about three months into the pregnancy. The relationship could not work out because of the mental and emotional distress that he caused me. I did not feel that it was a healthy environment for me or my child. I have moved and he is still harrassing me. It is all mental, never physical. However, the stress is killing me.
He is full of nothing but hatred because I do not want a relationship with him. I have been accused of so many things and heard so many hateful things that it is not in my best interest to continue talking with him.
This has irritated him even more!
He is threatening to take the baby from me and gain full custody. He says that I will be an unfit mother and unable to care for our child. (Keep in mind, not one time have I EVER threatened to keep him from his child, I was not raised that way.) At first he said he would make me give it up for adoption, then he says he will take it from me.
I do not want anything from him. No child support, no money of any kind, and definitely starting to rethink whether he should have any partial custody without supervision. {I worked for a company for a little over 3 years. That company went out of business, then I found out I was pregnant. I have been unable to work since. Once the child is born, I am more than capable of maintaining another position.} Can anyone give me some information on whether or not it is possible for him to take custody of my son (once he is born) because I am not currently working? Or if there is a way to gain soul custody on my part? This is my first child and I am stressed beyond belief. I have no other children so I am unsure of how to handle this situation and unsure of what to do. Thanks so much for any advice offered.

Unless you are on drugs, and abuse alcohol (even then, they rarely take the child away from the mother) - he cannot take the child away from you. The courts prefer to keep the children with the mother unless there are extenuating circumstances. He is just trying to play mind games with you and stress you out, which seems to be working. Fighting with him will not help the situation. I went through almost the exact same thing. It is all very overwhelming when dealing with pregnancy and having to deal with a hateful father who is threatening things like that. It really does not matter if your working or not (Are you not able to work because your pregnant, how are you supporting yourself?). If he is truly interested in having time with the child he will have to file in court for visitation. It looks like Missouri's residency laws are between 3-6 months so that means that you need to file there, for child support (I know you said you didn't want it but it will benificial in the long run) because if he files in the state he lives in for visitation (which would be the only way he could see the child if he is really interested) then you will have to travel there for court! Not fun. I live in NY and had to go to CA everytime we had court. I know it is hard but what is going to happen will happen no matter how much we worry about it, just take care of yourself and if you can consult with a lawyer, you may qualify for legal aid, where they help you for free.

I've been in a similar situation, though now my son is 4 mo. old, and the father has never seen him. The more time that goes by, you'll probably see that he's trying to manipulate through intimidation.

First he has to establish paternity, then file in your state for visitation. Until then you are not obligated to have any contact with him.

He can't legally take your son away unless he proves you unfit. Whether you have a job or not makes no difference.

He can get visitation if he decides, but this means a child support order will also be put into effect.

Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and your newborn baby, and put your worries to rest for now.

Hiring an attorney is a good idea if he continues to harrass you, then you can just tell him that he needs to go through your attorney.

I want to thank you both for your responses. I have felt much better since reading them. No, there are no drugs, alcohol, or anything else involved in my life. I care for myself and my unborn son only at this point. I want the best for him. The best is to make sure that he is not brought up into an unsound environment. Thank you so much for your advice. It is greatly appreciated.

I suggest that you go live with family or reliable, stable friends to get the support you need the rest of the pregnancy, but more than that to set yourself up as able to provide a stable place for the child to live and to show you and the child have adequate support til you get another job.
As for the abuse, get it on tape and tell him you are going to tape his outbursts to play in court if he continues to stress you out, which is bad for the baby.
I also suggest you consult legal counsel to be prepared to take steps to ensure you have sole legal custody and he has at best supervised visitation since he obviously has no interest in the child by harassing you.

I have a grandaughter and she lives with her mother, {my daughter}and her father, they are not married but have been together since she was born and she has her fathers last name. they arent married but i would like to know do they share custody or does the mother have the last say when it comes to my granddaughter. PLEASE HELP CANT SLEEP

K's Mom. Good advice from others. If I were you, don't list the father on the birth certificate. Since you are not married, he is not automatically listed as the father. In order to have any rights to the child, he would have to order a paternity test to prove the child is his, then have an order establishing visitation rights. It is highly unlikely he could ever take custody unless you were proven to be unfit. He is just trying to scare you, don't let him bother you, don't take his phone calls.

trslttl - If your daughters boyfriend is listed on the birth certificate he has legal right to the child just as the mother does - married or not. If they separated and lived apart, they would have to go to court to establish sole custody or joint custody, or whatever arrangement, just like in a divorce.

K's Mom: If you are positive that you can make it without the financial support of the father, or the state, then I agree with Shedo, do not put the father on the birth certificate. I made the mistake of putting my son's biological father on his birth certificate, and once you do that (at least in Calif where I lived at the time), it automatically makes that man the father, and he can easily come back to haunt you. Just because a man can make a baby doesn't mean that he should be a father. I knew not to marry this man, and he harrassed me until my son was six months old - I went and spoke to the D.A.'s office in the county where I lived, and asked if I could leave the state without the permission of the father. I was told that as long as I left before an order for visitation was requested, than I could. I moved to another state, and called him once I was there and settled, I never received a penny from this guy. Ten years later, I moved back to Calif. and ran into him again when my son was 11 years old. I thought after all these years that maybe he had changed - So, I let him get to know my son. He kept letting him down, not showing up when he said he would, didn't offer to help with him financially. Then, he tried to fight me for fifty/fifty custody, but still didn't want to help financially. The courts terminated his rights, and at my son's request, my husband adopted him right before he turned 13. But let me tell you, that year and a half thinking that I might possibly lose my son to a man who never even gave a crap about him, was the hardest time in my life - Much harder than it ever was trying to make it on my own as a single mother. My son is on the honor roll, he just received his purple belt in Tae Kwon Do, and he is a good, funloving kid - So, even thought it might have seemed selfish and heartless at the time, I know that I made the best decision for my son 13 years ago. (It's kind of a long story, but I hope it helps!)

I appreciate the advice whether it be a long story or a short one. This website serves it's purpose! I have contacted a lawyer and was advised that if I did not put the father on the birth certificate then he has no legal rights. However, if he does try to start anything custody wise, he will be ordered to pay for a paternity test. Upside to his name not being on the certificate; he has no rights and I have nothing to worry about, but get no child support unless he decides to fight it. Then he would have to do the paternity test to get visitation, if he does this, he is then obligated to pay child support. There is also an extremely good chance that I can get supervised visitation if he takes it that far because of the verbal abuse and the emotional distress he has caused me this far. I do have proof of it as well. He has stated many times that he does not want the child anyway and that I would never get a penny out of him. Then he will turn around and act as if nothing happened and try to be the "concerned" parent. Obviously he has issues! Such a shame I did not see this beforehand! I thank all of you for your advice and support.