I live in California and my boyfriend wants to get married. I do not want to marry him becuase I have heard that once I marry him our income is combined as one and I will then in turn be paying his support. I make considerably more than him and dont feel that I should have to pay it. Is this true? Shall I still marry?

I am married to a man that has a son with an ex girlfriend. We are in Indiana but I believe that this is the same everywhere. The child support is only figured based on the biological parents' income. If either party gets married, the spouse(s) cannot be included in the wages used for support. So...don't worry about it anymore and marry the man you love.

Find Someone else to marry

What an awful thing to say! I hope you are never in this situation.

I live in California and my boyfriend wants to get married. I do not want to marry him becuase I have heard that once I marry him our income is combined as one and I will then in turn be paying his support. I make considerably more than him and dont feel that I should have to pay it. Is this true? Shall I still marry?


I AM SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE DID YOU READ THE POST. I'VE BEEN IN THE SITUATION AND BELIEVE ME YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT A MAN'S RELATIONSHIP CAN BE LIKE WHEN YOU HAVE HIGH CHILD SUPPORT OBLIGATIONS. NOT ONLY ARE WOMEN "TURNED OFF" BY THE THOUGHT OF DATINGS SOMEONE WITH FINANCIAL DIFFICULTIES, THEY BECOME EVEN MORE RELUCTANT WHEN THE FEEL A UNION WITH THAT PERSON CAN CREATE FINANCIAL DIFFICULTIES FOR THEMSELVES. I CAN ONLY SEE MY GIRLFRIEND ONCE A WEEK BECAUSE I WORK 2 JOBS, AND I HAVE MY CHILDREN EVERY WEEKEND...THE ONLY DAY SHE GETS IS ON SUNDAYS FROM 2 PM UNTIL MONDAY MORNING..I LEAVE MY HOUSE 7AM AND DON'T RETURN TILL 1AM
DO PEOPLE MARRY FOR LOVE OR FINANCIAL STABILITY? SHE OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T LOVE HIM ENOUGH TO
SHE SAID SHE MAKES CONSIDERABLY MORE THAN HIM AND FEEL THAT SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO PAY IT...
WELL YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE TO PAY IT...BUT WHATEVER HAPPENED TO STANDING BY YOUR MAN....WHAT ABOUT NOT MARRYING HIM BECAUSE HE'S A JERK, OR BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE A JOB AT ALL



SO WHAT THAT POST BASICALLY TELLS ME IS THAT SHE'LL MARRY A JERK WITH MONEY.. SHE SHOULD BE THANKFUL THAT SHE FOUND A MAN RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF HIS CHILD SUPPORT OBLIGATIONS.


PATHETIC..

SO SHE SHOULD FIND HER A MAN WITH NO CHILDREN THAT MAKES AS MUCH AS SHE DOES, SO THOUGHTS OF FINANCIAL RUIN DON'T CROSS HER MIND

I apologize for being hasty. I know what it is like to be in a relationship with a man who has support obligations. Currently, my husband has custody of his son and he is 'supposed' to be receiving support. Of course we are not getting it. I agree that if that is a concern then maybe she should reconsider marrying this man because the children will not go away and neither will his financial situation with the children. You have valid points. Personally, I have advised people not to get involved with someone that has children with a previous partner. It is not an easy situation and there is a lot of things to get used to. Not to mention that the majority of these cases have some sort of drama going on all of the time. I have two children from a previous relationship as well. My ex and I get along great and realize that it is all about the children. I am not out to take everything he has and he is not trying to get out of his responsibilities. It is an amicable relationship. I just wish I could say the same for my husband and his son's mother. If people could just stop and realize that this is about the children and not the adults, these situations could be so much better.

Jen.
That response makes so much sense..and believe me I understand, My current girlfriend has stood by me pretty much through the divorce process, child support, harrassment from my ex where i pretty much had to get an order of protection, just to stop myself from reacting when she came to my place or residence with her issues. Its extremly hard to find a woman to that is willing to tolerate the problems that accompany getting a divorce/and dealing with child support. I think that the problems that we have encountered since I have had to deal with the issues have made our bond stronger.



The way the child support system is designed, it does not have the best interest of the child in mind, I pay 323.00 per week, plus i have to be responsible for food & entertainment and sometimes clothes because My ex feels the need to send the worst clothes along with my kids when i have them. I can not walk down the street looking clean and neat, and have my children looking like vagrants, they are a direct reflection of me. So i may have to kick out extra money for an outfit or pair of sneakers, and whatever i buy i keep at my house so when they visit, it will be there and i don't have to depend on their mom to send them with decent clothing. when i get my daughters on the weekend, Plus due to the fact that I don't see my kids everyday, when i do have them i like to spoil them, so if i walk by a toy store, or if we are at an amusment park etc.. my oldest daughter who is 6 says "Daddy I want that" or Daddy can you buy me that..What do I say No? And should I expect my Daughters mother to tell them Look Daddy paid for this? NO..When I do something for my daughters, I get gratification out of seeing their little eyes light up when I can give them something they want, whether its monetary, or just spending a day playing in the sand at the beach.. That's the most important to me, not my X-wife's intentions..My 6 year old still remebers things that i brought her for Christmas & Birthdays from the age of 2...like "Daddy do you remeber the Super Silly Makeover game you brought me? THAT'S WHAT MATTERS TO ME..

AS FAR AS A WOMAN DEALING WITH A MAN WITH THESE ISSUES, IT ALL DEPENDS ON THE WOMAN, BUT IT IS OBVIOUS THAT THE THREAD STARTER HAS SOME SELFISH TENDENCIES SHE NEEDS TO ADDRESS, AND SHE SHOULD ALSO RE-CONSIDER THE MAN THAT SHE IS WITH.. UNLESS SHE'S GOING TO START AT THE HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL, SHE WON'T FIND A MAN THAT'S COMPLETELY PROBLEM FREE...WHETHER ITS CHILDREN INVOLVED OR NOT..

It takes a special person, man or woman, to take on a relationship where there are children from a previous relationship. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and let me tell you, it has not been easy. There is a lot more than just the child support. She has not even started to experience the worst of it. Ideally there would be no problems but we all know that is very unlikely these days. I have to agree though that our situation has made my husband and I stronger as well. I am behind him 100% as he is me. I commend you for doing those small things with your children. Those are the things that they will remember most. What gives me the strength to deal with all of it is knowing that we are doing what is best for our children. Someday they will understand and appreciate it.

Unfortunately for my stepson, his mother has not matured enough yet to realize what long term damage she is doing to her relationship with her son. Even when she gets her visitation, she does not spend quality time with him. He is 11 and starting to realize some things on his own but still has that hope that mom will do better by him. I figure, what comes around goes around and one day she will have to answer to a higher power for what she has done.

The worst thing about my husband's situation is that he would have never taken things back to court but she pulled a stunt and put us in a position where we have to go to a judge. His goal was to have his son with him, not to take things from his mother or make her life miserable. He wouldn't even accept support if he had his druthers. Now, because she decided to act impulsively and pull a stupid stunt, we have to take it to court and the child is caught in the middle. Mom has promised him that she is getting him back. He does want to be with her but what child would not want to be where they have no responsibilities or rules? Right now, we are the bad guy to him and that won't change anytime soon. One day mom will have to explain herself to him.

I wish you the best of luck with you and your daughters. It sounds like you are a good dad and they are lucky to have you.

Thank You And Good Luck With Your Situation Too..
Even Though My Daughters Are Still Relatively Young, I Can Understand What You Are Saying... And I Have Problems With My Daughters In The Area Of Discipline Because

A) I Don't See Them Everyday So When I Do I Don't Want To Seem Mean & Over-bearing

B)there Is No Discipline As Far As Eating, Bed-time, & Attitudes When They Are With Their Mother. But I Try To Instill Some Discipline In A Way That Is Not Mean And She Wonders Why "they Listen To Me When I Say Something, That They Will Disobey Her On"..i May Upset My Children Sometimes But Its' Not Like We Weren't All Children, You May Seem Mean Now But There Will Be A Point In Time Where He Will Thank You For The Upbringing, And Scoff At His Mom Because He Will Realize That She Didn't Do The Right Thing That's Why I Do What I Have To Do As A Man & Father And Leave The Rest In God's Hands, And I Have Confidence Everything Will Be Fine..

I can understand where the thread intiator is coming from....remember she was unaware that her income would not be included in the child support calculation. She said that she makes considerably more than ther significant other which means that she would be working to pay his childs mother in a sense. I dont think she's making a issue of marrying a man who has issues, it's being taken advantage that she was worried about.

I too know what its like to be in a situation with a man that has a child from a previous realtionship, a support obligation that was ridiculous (try 850 per month for one child, which was based on a military salary :confused: ...go figure) and many more issues on top of that. It takes a certain type of woman to deal with a man in that predicament. Especially if, as it was in my case, the childs mother is uncoorperative and bitter. I could not see myself getting into this situation and going through it for just anyone though. The guy has to be extremely special and there has to be a end in sight. My fiance was one of my best friends for over 10 years before we got romantically involved and that foundation has kept us going...kept me going through all this mess that he had gotten himself into. It takes a lot of patience, especially when you in a sense have to support this person financially (similar to the thread initiator I make substanitally more than he does and he was only bringing home 350 every two weeks :mad: ) until it all gets straightend out. Anyway like I said only a strong woman can handle this type of situation and I would not want anyone in my shoes. However, I firmly believe that the man or woman that the person is going through this or doing this for needs to be well worth the trouble!!!

Fortunately, his appeal hearing is tomorrow and we have finally ,after a full year, gotten his child support down to the accurate amount (there are no more loop holes for the mother)..allowing him to live and help support our family....we hope!!! (otherwise we're going to appeal again!!!!) :o

Negal:

Yes, I can see where she might be coming from as well. It was a question that I had at one time too. I think that the point that we are trying to get across is to think about the situation extensively before you commit to someone with that much baggage. My husband and I have known eachother for 16 years and have always been one another's best friend too. Although I knew when we got together that the child was part of the package, I did not realize how involved in my life that his ex would be. You are right though, the person you are doing this for does need to be worth it. I know mine is :)

In response to God's Son:

I know that it is hard to be the enforcer when you have visitation. My ex husband does not like it when he has to spend the majority of his time with our daughters punishing them. As for the no rules thing, that is what we go through with my husband's son. That is very hard as well. Then you also worry about the child when they go over there. There are too many crazy people in this world to just let your children run and do what they want. As you said, all we can do is what we know is right and let God take it from there.

I appreciated readying all of your post. It really is for the kids. My ex. was paying $426 a month for 6 children. I can afford a mansion for my kids on that, couldn't I? LOL He took me to court to try to get temporary custody of the kids so child support deductions would not show on his paycheck so he could qualify for a house. If it had worked out would he have kept the kids or just thrown them back? He got up to making $50,000 a year and by the time custody was ruled on was making $79,000 a year. Remember the child support amount I told you about? It did get raised finally. Well he got stock options that he purchased and then sold the stock he would get. So every year for about 3 to 4 months he got $40,000-$50,000 from his stock. His monthy income was not high enough to pay the full child support amount because they do not take more than 50 per cent in Utah. You would think he would catch up on the child support when he got this huge influx of cash. Of course not. Well he got himself fired from this job. He tried several jobs where if he made money he earned it under the table which didn't work out and then would not find a job. There were plenty of goods one availible. Now because he is not making as much (I think, I still have to check this out) he wants child support lowered. He is $37,000 behind in child support. I would not agree to lowering the child support until he had a steady job because with 20 years of marriage he did not hold a job for more than 1 1/2 years. He had so many different jobs he would just quit that I don't even remember them all. He would go months without a job just because he wanted to. Life was fun. So we went to court last week to get child support lowered. I represented myself. I talked to his attorney and he asked me what it would take for me to lower the child support right away. I told him it would take my ex. paying a substancial amount of back child support. Right after he did not get custody of the kids his wifes mother was dying of cancer. They moved in with her to help her and they were left the house. They immediately put it in just her name so no liens could be put on it. They fixed up the house and didn't pay child support. Well they sold it and I think they bought another one where they are living now. I am explaining all this because I am not trying to get even. I just need him to provide his share so our kids can get raised and even maybe have some money to do fun things with. He wouldn't see his kids when he lived 20 minutes away. They have not had any Christmas gifts from them for a few years or they had to share generic gifts while her grown children, neices etc. got presents. So I think I am doing the right thing in holding out. The Judge in essence said he will be putting my ex. in jail in October when we go back to court if he isn't paying. He is an independant contractor, which means the state cannot seize part of his income. I am so frustrated because it takes money to live.

That is a personal decision. I suggest going to see a family law or matrimonial or divorce attorney to see if a prenuptial agreement would be able to deal with your concerns, or if you should just not marry.

Thay Only Base It On The Fathers Income Not Yours. When You File Income Taxes Dont Forget To File The Injured Spouse Form So You Get All Your Taxes Back.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anything You Buy Together Make Sure It Goes In Your Name Also Or If He Falls Behind On Child Support Thay Will Put Leans On Your Vechechs And Houses.