Dear friends
I am going through a very tough period. My honeymoon of 3 months is over
with my K-3 husband. Things were alredy rocky when his son arrived 2
weeks ago with K-4. Deal was for son to stay 15 days then to to Utah
w/uncle on mom's side. Hubby changed his mind and decided to keep his 20
yr old. An 18 year old w/k-4 also scheduled to arrive in jan 2004.
Since father and son reunited, I am very miserable. I feel all I'm doing
is cooking and cleaning for both of them. Worst, I no longer have the
privacy I need to have with my 3 months old husband. They team up to
contradict me in everything. I've decided not to go through I-485 for
husband or I-797 work permit for son either. I feel they're making plans
to move out together and get by in the US illegally. I feel so taken.
What can I do? Don't feel like going to extremes and get them deported,
just not to do anything else to legalize their immigrant status.
Randie

--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

Dear friends I am going through a very tough period. My honeymoon of 3 months is over with my K-3 husband. Things were alredy rocky when his son arrived 2 weeks ago with K-4. Deal was for son to stay 15 days then to to Utah w/uncle on mom's side. Hubby changed his mind and decided to keep his 20 yr old. An 18 year old w/k-4 also scheduled to arrive in jan 2004. Since father and son reunited, I am very miserable. I feel all I'm doing is cooking and cleaning for both of them. Worst, I no longer have the privacy I need to have with my 3 months old husband. They team up to contradict me in everything. I've decided not to go through I-485 for husband or I-797 work permit for son either. I feel they're making plans to move out together and get by in the US illegally. I feel so taken. What can I do? Don't feel like going to extremes and get them deported, just not to do anything else to legalize their immigrant status. Randie

Hi Randie,

Just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear sad news. Are you sure you don't
want to try family counseling first, and salvage the marriage? Merging
families can be really difficult, and a lot to deal with. Of course,
the decision is yours, just wondering if you'd considered counseling for
everyone involved.

I don't know the steps it takes to withdraw a petition, though, sorry.

Best Wishes,
Rene

--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

Dear friends I am going through a very tough period. My honeymoon of 3 months is over with my K-3 husband. Things were alredy rocky when his son arrived 2 weeks ago with K-4. Deal was for son to stay 15 days then to to Utah w/uncle on mom's side. Hubby changed his mind and decided to keep his 20 yr old. An 18 year old w/k-4 also scheduled to arrive in jan 2004. Since father and son reunited, I am very miserable. I feel all I'm doing is cooking and cleaning for both of them. Worst, I no longer have the privacy I need to have with my 3 months old husband. They team up to contradict me in everything. I've decided not to go through I-485 for husband or I-797 work permit for son either. I feel they're making plans to move out together and get by in the US illegally. I feel so taken. What can I do? Don't feel like going to extremes and get them deported, just not to do anything else to legalize their immigrant status. Randie

Where is your husband from?
Seems real quick for everything to be lost so soon?
Patrick

--
inquisitive40
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

Hi Randie, Just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear sad news. Are you sure you don't want to try family counseling first, and salvage the marriage? Merging families can be really difficult, and a lot to deal with. Of course, the decision is yours, just wondering if you'd considered counseling for everyone involved. I don't know the steps it takes to withdraw a petition, though, sorry. Best Wishes, Rene

I would go for counseling - gladly - I want to save my marriage. I know
my husband loves me but he just loves his son more. That's natural.
Parental love is unconditional.
Thanks for your reply Noorah

--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

Where is your husband from? Seems real quick for everything to be lost so soon? Patrick

He's from Peru. He's really a wonderful man. A great father and he
probably feels torn between his son and me and is willing to lose it all
but. On the other hand, I feel he was looking out for his children all
along. He does care for me but at this point I don't know how much is
involved in love for me only or for I can do for his kids. Everything
was great first couple of months. Financial pressures have a lot to do
with this issue. Also, I feel my husband may not be quite over his ex
spouse. She's a good lady and we are not keeping in touch due to her
eagerness of son's well being.
Take care
Randie

--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

Dear friends I am going through a very tough period. My honeymoon of 3 months is over with my K-3 husband. Things were alredy rocky when his son arrived 2 weeks ago with K-4. Deal was for son to stay 15 days then to to Utah w/uncle on mom's side. Hubby changed his mind and decided to keep his 20 yr old. An 18 year old w/k-4 also scheduled to arrive in jan 2004. Since father and son reunited, I am very miserable. I feel all I'm doing is cooking and cleaning for both of them. Worst, I no longer have the privacy I need to have with my 3 months old husband. They team up to contradict me in everything. I've decided not to go through I-485 for husband or I-797 work permit for son either. I feel they're making plans to move out together and get by in the US illegally. I feel so taken. What can I do? Don't feel like going to extremes and get them deported, just not to do anything else to legalize their immigrant status. Randie

Randie,

Look for some posts yesterday (27 Oct 2004) by Folinskyinla on the
subject of withdrawing I-129f and I-130 petitions. My understanding
of what he said is that although your husband may already be in the
USA as a K3, you can still withdraw your I-130 petition if it has not
yet been approved.

Regards, JEff

--
Of course, the Internet also tells us that hot naked women want to befriend us, so we can't be 100% sure about everything we read there. (Dave Barry)
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

Randie, Look for some posts yesterday (27 Oct 2004) by Folinskyinla on the subject of withdrawing I-129f and I-130 petitions. My understanding of what he said is that although your husband may already be in the USA as a K3, you can still withdraw your I-130 petition if it has not yet been approved. Regards, JEff

==================
thanks Jeff
Unfortunately, just about 2 weeks ago, I got a letter saying his I-130
had been approved but my husband does not want to go back and go through
process at the consulate. He fears problems arising that may prevent
him from coming back to the US. He really likes it here already. I
don't blame him. I'll read yesterdays posts on the subject. Thank you!
Randie

--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

================== thanks Jeff Unfortunately, just about 2 weeks ago, I got a letter saying his I-130 had been approved but my husband does not want to go back and go through process at the consulate. He fears problems arising that may prevent him from coming back to the US. He really likes it here already. I don't blame him. I'll read yesterdays posts on the subject. Thank you! Randie

Randie,

It's in the 'OT: Horrible' thread. That's a K1 situation, but the I-
130 is mentioned in a couple of posts and it may give you some ideas
to pursue.

Good luck to you.

Regards, JEff

--
Of course, the Internet also tells us that hot naked women want to befriend us, so we can't be 100% sure about everything we read there. (Dave Barry)
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

Randie, It's in the 'OT: Horrible' thread. That's a K1 situation, but the I- 130 is mentioned in a couple of posts and it may give you some ideas to pursue. Good luck to you. Regards, JEff

From further reading of your posts, I think there may also be an element
of denial that you have been taken in by this man who may only have
wanted to get himself and his son into the US. Without your sponsorship
he probably could not have even gotten a holiday visa to the US. Now
they are here and as you have already stated, living illegally in the US
is not a concern for them.

Seems more and more of these cases coming up daily of people with dual
intent (and not visa dual intent :) )

Only you in your heart know if counselling is an option. I have heard of
cases before where immigrants have gotten divorced, married a USC, got
their children into the country and finally also their ex-wives, the
whole plan is for the whole family to move here, takes years BUT for
people in poorer countries, the sacrafice is worth it and all they can
see is a chance at a better life and so are willing to work towards that
goal, no matter what it takes, very often this ends up with a broken
hearted USC.

Sorry :(
Patrick

--
inquisitive40
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

From further reading of your posts, I think there may also be an element of denial that you have been taken in by this man who may only have wanted to get himself and his son into the US. Without your sponsorship he probably could not have even gotten a holiday visa to the US. Now they are here and as you have already stated, living illegally in the US is not a concern for them. Seems more and more of these cases coming up daily of people with dual intent (and not visa dual intent :) ) Only you in your heart know if counselling is an option. I have heard of cases before where immigrants have gotten divorced, married a USC, got their children into the country and finally also their ex-wives, the whole plan is for the whole family to move here, takes years BUT for people in poorer countries, the sacrafice is worth it and all they can see is a chance at a better life and so are willing to work towards that goal, no matter what it takes, very often this ends up with a broken hearted USC. Sorry :( Patrick

============
you're right - he was denied a tourist visa twice before I married him
overseas. I'm getting more depressed by the minute. The more I think
about it - the more I realize my husband's kids want their mother
eventually in the US as you said. How unfair to me. I wanted my
marriage for a lifetime. Reading yesterday's post from OT: Horrible
yesterday, it was mentioned that a divorce proceeding needed to be
started. How do I do that? my marriage was overseas and down there it
takes forever - up to 2 years to get divorced. That sounds so scary to
me.
Thanks Patrick
Randie

--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

============ you're right - he was denied a tourist visa twice before I married him overseas. I'm getting more depressed by the minute. The more I think about it - the more I realize my husband's kids want their mother eventually in the US as you said. How unfair to me. I wanted my marriage for a lifetime. Reading yesterday's post from OT: Horrible yesterday, it was mentioned that a divorce proceeding needed to be started. How do I do that? my marriage was overseas and down there it takes forever - up to 2 years to get divorced. That sounds so scary to me. Thanks Patrick Randie

The divorce laws of the state you live in are the ones that apply, their
country divorce laws are not relevant.
It is state of residency which applies to you, you file your divorce
locally, easiest and quickest would be a dissolution of the marriage,
problem is now, will your soon to be ex want a share of your assets?

As far as being unfair to you, I don't think many of these immigrants
have any regard for the USC, the better life in the US is all that
concerns them, the USC is just a pawn in their plans.
Patrick

--
inquisitive40
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

Dear friends I am going through a very tough period. My honeymoon of 3 months is over with my K-3 husband. Things were alredy rocky when his son arrived 2 weeks ago with K-4. Deal was for son to stay 15 days then to to Utah w/uncle on mom's side. Hubby changed his mind and decided to keep his 20 yr old. An 18 year old w/k-4 also scheduled to arrive in jan 2004. Since father and son reunited, I am very miserable. I feel all I'm doing is cooking and cleaning for both of them. Worst, I no longer have the privacy I need to have with my 3 months old husband. They team up to contradict me in everything. I've decided not to go through I-485 for husband or I-797 work permit for son either. I feel they're making plans to move out together and get by in the US illegally. I feel so taken. What can I do? Don't feel like going to extremes and get them deported, just not to do anything else to legalize their immigrant status. Randie

I'll suggest the same to you as I suggested in the other thread:

Do yourself a favor and do it right now before this goes any farther -
protect yourself financially. If his name is on any of your credit
cards, have it removed immediately. Your credit rating will plummet if
he decides that he needs a few cash advances and leaves you liable for
the bills. Don't depend on a divorce to protect you - most divorces
don't protect you financially. Also, make sure his name is removed from
any legal papers - lease, loans, mortgage, etc. Do it now.

Ian

--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

I'll suggest the same to you as I suggested in the other thread: Do yourself a favor and do it right now before this goes any farther - protect yourself financially. If his name is on any of your credit cards, have it removed immediately. Your credit rating will plummet if he decides that he needs a few cash advances and leaves you liable for the bills. Don't depend on a divorce to protect you - most divorces don't protect you financially. Also, make sure his name is removed from any legal papers - lease, loans, mortgage, etc. Do it now. Ian

=============
thanks Ian - good thing I haven't put his name in anything. I haven't
even changed my name. He's not the kind of person to profit from my
property or finances but I could be wrong. You're write - better safe
than sorry.
thank you!
Randie

--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

============= thanks Ian - good thing I haven't put his name in anything. I haven't even changed my name. He's not the kind of person to profit from my property or finances but I could be wrong. You're write - better safe than sorry. thank you! Randie

Marriage problems take an enormous emotional toll, and we too often
forget that there is a financial cost associated with marriage breakdown
with many financial implications down the road. I just hate to see
people get into trouble because the ex-spouse has screwed them over
financially.



Absolutely!

Ian

--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

The divorce laws of the state you live in are the ones that apply, their country divorce laws are not relevant. It is state of residency which applies to you, you file your divorce locally, easiest and quickest would be a dissolution of the marriage, problem is now, will your soon to be ex want a share of your assets? As far as being unfair to you, I don't think many of these immigrants have any regard for the USC, the better life in the US is all that concerns them, the USC is just a pawn in their plans. Patrick

===================
He would not want a share of my assets. He's only been here 3 months
and everything I have is in my name. He doesn't even have a work
permit, car, cell phone, credit card, checking account, etc.
Who do I contact for a divorce? a regular divorce attorney?
thanks
Randie

--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

Marriage problems take an enormous emotional toll, and we too often forget that there is a financial cost associated with marriage breakdown with many financial implications down the road. I just hate to see people get into trouble because the ex-spouse has screwed them over financially. Absolutely! Ian

Sometimes getting financially screwed over is not always intentional
either. My wife has her credit screwed because her ex-husband didn't pay
a lot of divorce decreed bills until they went to collection, screwed
both their credit.
Patrick

--
inquisitive40
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

=================== He would not want a share of my assets. He's only been here 3 months and everything I have is in my name. He doesn't even have a work permit, car, cell phone, credit card, checking account, etc. Who do I contact for a divorce? a regular divorce attorney? thanks Randie

Divorce is dictated by the state you live in. Is no different to
divorcing another USC.
Patrick

--
inquisitive40
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

=================== He would not want a share of my assets. He's only been here 3 months and everything I have is in my name. He doesn't even have a work permit, car, cell phone, credit card, checking account, etc. Who do I contact for a divorce? a regular divorce attorney? thanks Randie

If you live in a community property state, any assets that were
purchased after your marriage can be considered joint property and joint
responsibility, no matter whose name it's in....including credit cards.

Just see a regular divorce attorney. He can properly advise you as to
you and your husband's financial ties together.

Best Wishes,
Rene

--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

=================== He would not want a share of my assets. He's only been here 3 months and everything I have is in my name. He doesn't even have a work permit, car, cell phone, credit card, checking account, etc. Who do I contact for a divorce? a regular divorce attorney? thanks Randie

Randie,

Don't bet on that. It appears that there are at least a few things that
you didn't realize about your husband. And even if you are correct
about this today, his thoughts may change in the future.

Contact friends and acquaintences for recommendations on a divorce
attorney, then go interview them. No matter how much of an angel your
husband is, find the most experienced junk-yard-dog divorce attorney in
the area. Because if you don't, and he does......

Good luck.

JEff

--
Of course, the Internet also tells us that hot naked women want to befriend us, so we can't be 100% sure about everything we read there. (Dave Barry)
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

=================== He would not want a share of my assets. He's only been here 3 months and everything I have is in my name. He doesn't even have a work permit, car, cell phone, credit card, checking account, etc. Who do I contact for a divorce? a regular divorce attorney? thanks Randie

Sez you, Randie. You might have no idea what he would or wouldn't want.
do yourself a favor and gather together any/all important documents
(including your personal data like SS#, banking details etc) and keep
them somewhere safe for the time being.
A little healthy paranoia may end up being in your own best interests.

--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

I would go for counseling - gladly - I want to save my marriage. I know my husband loves me but he just loves his son more. That's natural. Parental love is unconditional. Thanks for your reply Noorah

Have you discussed all of this with you husband? Have you told him that
you are feeling left out? You guys have come so far to throw it all
away after 2 weeks with his son. You may be right and maybe this is not
going to work, but it is just so sad, especially if there is any way to
work thru it.

I dont know about the culture in Peru, but maybe that is something
that you two need to talk about to sort out family members' roles. I
know that my fiance was surprised to hear that men help with the
cooking and cleaning!

Only you can decide how to proceed. Take care of yourself. I am just
hoping for you that maybe this situation can improve with some more
communication.

:)Marnee

--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

Sez you, Randie. You might have no idea what he would or wouldn't want. do yourself a favor and gather together any/all important documents (including your personal data like SS#, banking details etc) and keep them somewhere safe for the time being. A little healthy paranoia may end up being in your own best interests.

Indeed, the man I was married to for almost 24 years and the man I
divorced and then took to court for back alimony inhabited the same body
but I would have sworn it was Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde........

--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

Have you discussed all of this with you husband? Have you told him that you are feeling left out? You guys have come so far to throw it all away after 2 weeks with his son. You may be right and maybe this is not going to work, but it is just so sad, especially if there is any way to work thru it. I dont know about the culture in Peru, but maybe that is something that you two need to talk about to sort out family members' roles. I know that my fiance was surprised to hear that men help with the cooking and cleaning! Only you can decide how to proceed. Take care of yourself. I am just hoping for you that maybe this situation can improve with some more communication. :)Marnee

======================
I know that for starters, we need to be alone, just me and him. It's
too early in the marriage [our first 3 months under the same roof] to
bring someone along. The deal was that his son was going to live
elsewhere. My husband and I were doing fine until his son's arrival. A
spat every now and them but we always resolved our issues and were
becoming closer and closer. I feel I was lied to. Now - I feel very
strongly about his son wanting to keep his mother's image alive and I
can't live with that threat, particularly when my husband seems to side
with him in everything. I intend to have a long conversation with my
husband [alone] and tell him how I feel [again] about our situation. I
get easily upset when I don't seem to get through to him and wind up
telling him I no longer care to live like this. Unhappy in my own
home. Now - looking back at the last 10 years of living by myself,
seem like sweet ole days. I hope this is resolved with a happy ending
for everyone. Son has to go though. And second son - 18 yr old
scheduled to arrive in Jan 2005, I guess that is pending and most
likely it won't happen. I hope my husband's apology this evening [I
feel one coming] is not because of his immigrant status being
threatened but because he loves me.

--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

====================== I know that for starters, we need to be alone, just me and him. It's too early in the marriage [our first 3 months under the same roof] to bring someone along. The deal was that his son was going to live elsewhere. My husband and I were doing fine until his son's arrival. A spat every now and them but we always resolved our issues and were becoming closer and closer. I feel I was lied to. Now - I feel very strongly about his son wanting to keep his mother's image alive and I can't live with that threat, particularly when my husband seems to side with him in everything. I intend to have a long conversation with my husband [alone] and tell him how I feel [again] about our situation. I get easily upset when I don't seem to get through to him and wind up telling him I no longer care to live like this. Unhappy in my own home. Now - looking back at the last 10 years of living by myself, seem like sweet ole days. I hope this is resolved with a happy ending for everyone. Son has to go though. And second son - 18 yr old scheduled to arrive in Jan 2005, I guess that is pending and most likely it won't happen. I hope my husband's apology this evening [I feel one coming] is not because of his immigrant status being threatened but because he loves me.

This is something we all have to live with when entering into a
relationship where there are children from previous relationships
involved. Personally I moved in with my wife and she has two children,
one of which is autistic. The autistic son can be violent and I have
been bitten several times by him, her daughter felt very possessive
about her mom for a long time (even still gets that way from time to
time) and it also put a lot of stress on us. Also something I had to
deal with was living with her and her children while my own children
resided back home with my ex-wife, this was the hardest of all.
Through all this we knew we loved each other and so have soldiered on.
Relationships can be hard BUT if there is true love, the rewards can be
greater.
Patrick

--
inquisitive40
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

Sez you, Randie. You might have no idea what he would or wouldn't want. do yourself a favor and gather together any/all important documents (including your personal data like SS#, banking details etc) and keep them somewhere safe for the time being. A little healthy paranoia may end up being in your own best interests.

I have to side with the others. You have been married two years.
Regardless of how little you have lived together, he has still been your
husband in name for those two years and as such might be entitled to his
1/2 of your assets accumulated during those two years at the very least.
It is expensive to fund a family of four and that is apparently of what
he, his sainted former wife, and two adult children need ... funding.

Rete

--
I'm not an attorney. This disclaimer is valid in NYS!
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

====================== I know that for starters, we need to be alone, just me and him. It's too early in the marriage [our first 3 months under the same roof] to bring someone along. The deal was that his son was going to live elsewhere. My husband and I were doing fine until his son's arrival. A spat every now and them but we always resolved our issues and were becoming closer and closer. I feel I was lied to. Now - I feel very strongly about his son wanting to keep his mother's image alive and I can't live with that threat, particularly when my husband seems to side with him in everything. I intend to have a long conversation with my husband [alone] and tell him how I feel [again] about our situation. I get easily upset when I don't seem to get through to him and wind up telling him I no longer care to live like this. Unhappy in my own home. Now - looking back at the last 10 years of living by myself, seem like sweet ole days. I hope this is resolved with a happy ending for everyone. Son has to go though. And second son - 18 yr old scheduled to arrive in Jan 2005, I guess that is pending and most likely it won't happen. I hope my husband's apology this evening [I feel one coming] is not because of his immigrant status being threatened but because he loves me.

Since you obviously love him, I do hope that you get that apologies.
But taken a look at the whole picture, I wonder why you thought your
marriage was to him alone? You knew up front there were two sons
involved in this marriage and even if they were not to live with you,
they were to be a part of your lives. In many cultures, children remain
a constant and intruding part of your life even when they are adults.
Hell, mine are 33 adn 36 and my husband's son is 40. Believe me,
although they don't live with us, many of our decisions and discussions
about centered around all three of them and their various at the moment
situations.

It is so very true that when you marry a divorced person, that person
comes with baggage. And in the case of that person having children from
a previous relationship, the baggage is now a steamer truck.

Rete

--
I'm not an attorney. This disclaimer is valid in NYS!
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

I have to side with the others. You have been married two years. Regardless of how little you have lived together, he has still been your husband in name for those two years and as such might be entitled to his 1/2 of your assets accumulated during those two years at the very least. It is expensive to fund a family of four and that is apparently of what he, his sainted former wife, and two adult children need ... funding. Rete

er, my comments were responding to her saying that her husband would not
want any of her property.
I say: he just might, and your argument seems to uphold that.

If she has doubts and her sniffer is giveing her clues, it can't hurt to
keep track of her own sensitive information. See JEff's comment.

--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

Hi Randie,

Please allow me to share some of my own experience and insight from it with
you. This is going to take a while, but I will shorten where I can.

I, like your husband am from another culture. I dare add that it is one in
which the woman is definitely the 'lesser' partner. I had lived studied and
worked here in the states for about 4 years before I met my wife.

Having being quite properly immersed in American culture for that length of
time, I of course assumed I knew it all. I was proud at how well I had
adapted. I was wrong. There are certain things that don't change naturally.
For us, that became apparent about 3 months after we were married.

To cut a long story short, there were things I had to be clued in on. For
instance:


1. The wife has a say in matters of money, intimate relations, kids,
priorities, plans in-laws and most any detail involving either of us.

2. She is the most important person, the most important woman in the world
to me--she better be. That's why I married her and not anyone else.

3. Anything that concerns her, no matter absurd I think it is, is important
enough for my attention and deserves a good long discussion.

4. Her happiness and well-being are foremost among my concerns.


These are things that should usually be established during dating. Probing,
testing and determining whether this guy really loves you and what not.
Unfortunately most of us blow past all that and eagerly blurt out the
"I-Dos."

So now, we're 3 months in and we're both starting to feel like we each got a
raw deal. What were we going to do? Well, one thing that helped, which I do
not gather from your situation, is that I did not marry her for a Green Card
and she knew that. Secondly, we were able to communicate well I loved her
enough to listen and change where necessary. Third, we sat down and
determined what our priorities were, determined the items we
agreed/disagreed on, determined our responsibilities to each other and
clarified what our roles in this life-long relationship were gong to be.
Lastly, we both agreed that divorce was off the table.

Now, I understand that in your case, you do not have some of the luxuries we
had. Being alone was essential to this. Although we had both been in
relationships that had ended badly, there were no previous spouses or past
lovers looming on the horizon.

Having said all that, add these suggestions to the others:


1. You need to talk to him about these things in a strong matter-of fact
manner. You need to make him understand that your having to provide for his
family is unacceptable. Doing this is a way that is firm, but not totally
adversarial can be tricky. This is where counseling comes in.

2. If communication/language is a barrier, that is something you will want
to fix ASAP. If this is not already the case, you will need to get him
comfortable with confiding in you and discussing his thoughts with you.

3. You need the influence of another man in this situation. A friend might
work, but preferably someone who is older and cares a whole lot about
you...like your dad, or an older brother. [In my culture, there is a formal
introduction that the girl brings the guy to her family for. It is customary
for her brothers, male cousins and their friends to drag the man aside and
explain in detail all the painful things they will do to him should she ever
come home crying. They then collect the gifts he has brought and wish them
well] I'm not suggesting Gestapo tactics, but he is more likely to behave
himself and thing/talk things through knowing that there is/are one or more
massive bulldogs in the vicinity and they are on your side.

4. Establish boundaries. This is an addendum to #1. In addition to feelings,
emotions and some of those less substantive items, you need to be in
agreement on the 'big 4' : money, in-laws, religion and kids.


Until these things are settled, you are in danger of becoming one of the
majority in America's marriage statistics. despite everyone's advice, all
else may fail and you may end up with a broken heart, but remember that even
couples who are both USCs sometimes need to separate temporarily to sort
things out. It's wise to do common-sense thigns to protect yourself, but you
don't always have to ditch. Don't throw your marriage away out of fear.

Thanks for lending your ear.


Dean.

============= thanks Ian - good thing I haven't put his name in anything. I haven't even changed my name. He's not the kind of person to profit from my property or finances but I could be wrong. You're write - better safe than sorry. thank you! Randie

Hi Randie, Please allow me to share some of my own experience and insight from it with you. This is going to take a while, but I will shorten where I can. I, like your husband am from another culture. I dare add that it is one in which the woman is definitely the 'lesser' partner. I had lived studied and worked here in the states for about 4 years before I met my wife. Having being quite properly immersed in American culture for that length of time, I of course assumed I knew it all. I was proud at how well I had adapted. I was wrong. There are certain things that don't change naturally. For us, that became apparent about 3 months after we were married. To cut a long story short, there were things I had to be clued in on. For instance: 1. The wife has a say in matters of money, intimate relations, kids, priorities, plans in-laws and most any detail involving either of us. 2. She is the most important person, the most important woman in the world to me--she better be. That's why I married her and not anyone else. 3. Anything that concerns her, no matter absurd I think it is, is important enough for my attention and deserves a good long discussion. 4. Her happiness and well-being are foremost among my concerns. These are things that should usually be established during dating. Probing, testing and determining whether this guy really loves you and what not. Unfortunately most of us blow past all that and eagerly blurt out the "I-Dos." So now, we're 3 months in and we're both starting to feel like we each got a raw deal. What were we going to do? Well, one thing that helped, which I do not gather from your situation, is that I did not marry her for a Green Card and she knew that. Secondly, we were able to communicate well I loved her enough to listen and change where necessary. Third, we sat down and determined what our priorities were, determined the items we agreed/disagreed on, determined our responsibilities to each other and clarified what our roles in this life-long relationship were gong to be. Lastly, we both agreed that divorce was off the table. Now, I understand that in your case, you do not have some of the luxuries we had. Being alone was essential to this. Although we had both been in relationships that had ended badly, there were no previous spouses or past lovers looming on the horizon. Having said all that, add these suggestions to the others: 1. You need to talk to him about these things in a strong matter-of fact manner. You need to make him understand that your having to provide for his family is unacceptable. Doing this is a way that is firm, but not totally adversarial can be tricky. This is where counseling comes in. 2. If communication/language is a barrier, that is something you will want to fix ASAP. If this is not already the case, you will need to get him comfortable with confiding in you and discussing his thoughts with you. 3. You need the influence of another man in this situation. A friend might work, but preferably someone who is older and cares a whole lot about you...like your dad, or an older brother. [In my culture, there is a formal introduction that the girl brings the guy to her family for. It is customary for her brothers, male cousins and their friends to drag the man aside and explain in detail all the painful things they will do to him should she ever come home crying. They then collect the gifts he has brought and wish them well] I'm not suggesting Gestapo tactics, but he is more likely to behave himself and thing/talk things through knowing that there is/are one or more massive bulldogs in the vicinity and they are on your side. 4. Establish boundaries. This is an addendum to #1. In addition to feelings, emotions and some of those less substantive items, you need to be in agreement on the 'big 4' : money, in-laws, religion and kids. Until these things are settled, you are in danger of becoming one of the majority in America's marriage statistics. despite everyone's advice, all else may fail and you may end up with a broken heart, but remember that even couples who are both USCs sometimes need to separate temporarily to sort things out. It's wise to do common-sense thigns to protect yourself, but you don't always have to ditch. Don't throw your marriage away out of fear. Thanks for lending your ear. Dean. ============= thanks Ian - good thing I haven't put his name in anything. I haven't even changed my name. He's not the kind of person to profit from my property or finances but I could be wrong. You're write - better safe than sorry. thank you! Randie

Thank you for sharing. You offer a unique view point and good advice.

:)Marnee

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Thank you for sharing. You offer a unique view point and good advice. :)Marnee

I second Marnee's thanks. It was nice of you to share your personal
information and shed light on the topic. :)

Best Wishes,
Rene

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