I am a from the UK, and engaged to Diana, a USC from WV.

Virtually no-one seems to be in favor of our choices and decisions, but I
can allocate selfish reasons to all of them. My family (small and fragmented
as it is) is wondering what the hell I'm thinking of, moving across the
planet to be with someone I've only known 8 months. My mother keeps asking
me (in a really frustratingly hopeful tone of voice) if I still want to go
(She's divorced and thinks she'll be all alone once I go - despite the fact
that we see each other only every month or so, and at 50 she has a better
social life than most women half her age!).
My son, oh my son, Jack, my sweet beautiful 6 year old I'm leaving behind
asked me if I wanted to be with him or Diana more (how the hell do you
answer that????).
My best friend thinks I'm just plain nuts. (But as well as being my best
friend, I'm his only real friend outside work)
My sons grandparents on his mothers side, with whom I've remained good
friends seem devastatingly neutral compared to our past relationship.(they
cant believe I can leave my son)
My ex girlfriend (not my sons mother) is the only one who supports my choice
(its a wonderful thing if you can change a failed romance into a true
friendship).

On her side of the pond, her brother is worried about my intentions - do I
just want to get into the US?
Her mother is carefully neutral, but supportive of Diana making her own
decisions,(but seems reluctant to endorse them)
Her step-father, well if I tell you about him my post will be removed for
profanity....
Her friends all think she's nuts.
Her sister in law, is completely supportive, she likes me, and she supports
Dianas right to decide.
My Diana explains that she thinks its because no-one from where she comes
from (small town in West Virginia) does things like this... LOL
OH!, one more positive, her friends 6 month old baby son thinks im the best
thing since sliced bread hehe

This is a tough enough situation - with paperwork enough to kill a small
forest, and time and lonliness enough to devastate the strongest of people,
without all this too.....

I don't expect a lot in the way of replies (but any, here or direct to me
via email are very VERY welcome) - I think as much as anything else I needed
to vent. in that respect - for those of you take the time to read this,
thankyou for that time.

I love this woman - she loves me - of those two facts I have NO doubt -
remaining apart will drive us apart - being apart now is horrific - we NEED
each other as much as we WANT each other and to me, thats the bottom line.
We are both painfully aware that, if we don't do this, we will spend the
rest of our lives thinking "What if....?" - no that isnt the only reason we
are doing it but.... its one of them, I admit.

Please, (and I know this makes any replies I get entirely biased) if your
reply is going to be along the lines of "Maybe you should listen to all
these people, don't send it - I feel disheartened enough that all these
people who tell me how much they care seem to against me taking the steps to
be happy with the woman i adore beyond all words.

Thankyou for listening, sympathising (where appropriate) and just taking a
little bit of time to think for me, even if its only seconds.

Colin

Hi!



Uhmm, quite difficult to give any advice...but maybe advice is not what
you wanted, just some opinion. Well, it´s your life, isn´t it. Of course
it affects other people too but it is your life. It is about you, what
you want, what you need, what you do and about the concequences your
actions will bring. You will have to decide, nobody else. So try to be
honest to yourself and tell yourself what you really want...then weigh
the consequences...and you will see....what is more important to you.

As to your and your fiancee´s families...well, it is always hard when
family is unfriendly but it might change dont you think? Maybe they are
just scared that you are not honest with her but this opinion will
probably change when they see you are!

All in all, if you decide to leave and it wont work, I dont mean with
your wife, you can always think together an find some solution.

The fact is that in this situation there will always be someone hurt, no
matter how you decide.

One other thing, I dont think that your family is loosing you, its not
as if you would vanish from the world or something, so try to explain it
to them like that...



Maybe I didnt help you at all. At least I tried :).

Good luck and dont get depressed. Every problem has an solution. Find
the least painful way....



Andrea


--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

Hi,



I know where you're coming from and you must realize that everyone who
cares about both of you doesn't want to see anyone hurt. They really
do have good intentions, but just not the intentions that you want to
hear. So,

listen to what they say,

thank them for their opinion,

and follow your heart.......



best of luck on your decision.



Peace & Happiness,



~kristine


--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

All I can suggest to you is that you follow your heart. Make the choices that
seem right for you at this time. That's all anyone can do.....whether those
choices turn out to be the right ones.....only time will tell.

Leaving your Son will be the hardest wrench....I can see that.

No-one can really advise you, only you can make such huge decisions with your
life. I wish you well and hope you find the peace and happiness within your
heart to help you make those decisions.

Although you only wanted to hear the positives......remember, the grass isn't
always greener on the other side and you should consider the negatives before
you jump headlong.

Best of Luck

Becki :o)

Well Colin, I wish you luck and a good life there. Your decision is a
brave one and if this is what you feel is right for you, then you deserve
to give it your best shot. I know the feeling of lack of support from your
family. I'm in a slightly different position in so much that I am already
married to my USC wife and we currently live together in England. We are
however moving to the US next year and my family have greeted this news
with at best indifference and at worst (my Mother) with loud complaints.
I'm not sure how long you have to be apart from your Fiance but if you
take my advice, make use of this time to get to know each other. My wife
and I met in a chat room a few years ago and spent a lot of time virtually
inerviewing each other; discussing all our petty peeves and annoyances. In
this way, when we finally met in person, we knew what to expect for the
rest of our lives, which was just as well as my wife came to the UK and
apart from trips and sorting out our divorces where we were separated for
7 months, has lived here ever since. We were sure about being together for
ever before commiting ourselves and we haven't looked back (married three
years now). I know things can be frightening, discouraging and lonely but
if she's the one, it's all worth it.

Chin up

Mark



On Tue, 29 Jul 2003 05:40:07 +0100, Slaveofconvention wrote:
I am a from the UK, and engaged to Diana, a USC from WV. Virtually no-one seems to be in favor of our choices and decisions, but I can allocate selfish reasons to all of them. My family (small and fragmented as it is) is wondering what the hell I'm thinking of, moving across the planet to be with someone I've only known 8 months. My mother keeps asking me (in a really frustratingly hopeful tone of voice) if I still want to go (She's divorced and thinks she'll be all alone once I go - despite the fact that we see each other only every month or so, and at 50 she has a better social life than most women half her age!). My son, oh my son, Jack, my sweet beautiful 6 year old I'm leaving behind asked me if I wanted to be with him or Diana more (how the hell do you answer that????). My best friend thinks I'm just plain nuts. (But as well as being my best friend, I'm his only real friend outside work) My sons grandparents on his mothers side, with whom I've remained good friends seem devastatingly neutral compared to our past relationship.(they cant believe I can leave my son) My ex girlfriend (not my sons mother) is the only one who supports my choice (its a wonderful thing if you can change a failed romance into a true friendship). On her side of the pond, her brother is worried about my intentions - do I just want to get into the US? Her mother is carefully neutral, but supportive of Diana making her own decisions,(but seems reluctant to endorse them) Her step-father, well if I tell you about him my post will be removed for profanity.... Her friends all think she's nuts. Her sister in law, is completely supportive, she likes me, and she supports Dianas right to decide. My Diana explains that she thinks its because no-one from where she comes from (small town in West Virginia) does things like this... LOL OH!, one more positive, her friends 6 month old baby son thinks im the best thing since sliced bread hehe This is a tough enough situation - with paperwork enough to kill a small forest, and time and lonliness enough to devastate the strongest of people, without all this too..... I don't expect a lot in the way of replies (but any, here or direct to me via email are very VERY welcome) - I think as much as anything else I needed to vent. in that respect - for those of you take the time to read this, thankyou for that time. I love this woman - she loves me - of those two facts I have NO doubt - remaining apart will drive us apart - being apart now is horrific - we NEED each other as much as we WANT each other and to me, thats the bottom line. We are both painfully aware that, if we don't do this, we will spend the rest of our lives thinking "What if....?" - no that isnt the only reason we are doing it but.... its one of them, I admit. Please, (and I know this makes any replies I get entirely biased) if your reply is going to be along the lines of "Maybe you should listen to all these people, don't send it - I feel disheartened enough that all these people who tell me how much they care seem to against me taking the steps to be happy with the woman i adore beyond all words. Thankyou for listening, sympathising (where appropriate) and just taking a little bit of time to think for me, even if its only seconds. Colin

Hi Colin



I understand where you're coming from. It's very difficult to push
aside all the negative thinking everyone around you is doing, and
follow your heart to happiness. But it can be done. And in my
experience, almost all the people who once thought I was crazy for
getting engaged to an Iranian who lives halfway around the world in
Turkey, are now asking daily when he will be here so they can meet him
and welcome him to America. As one poster recommended, listen to all
the advice, say thank you, and do what you know is right for you and
the love of your life.



Looking back and wondering "what if...." is never a good feeling. Hang
in there and do whatever you feel is going to enrich your life and bring
peace and happiness to you and Diana. :-)



Best Wishes,

Rene


--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

I was really glad to read your post this morning -- not glad over your
situation but to know that others are facing the exact same things as me
and my fiance.



My fiance, who is living in Dubai, is getting the same response from his
family and friends. And of course I am getting the same as your
girlfriend.



However, we both know how we feel and to be together is worth the move.
Others seem to think we should be able to find love where we are but I
don't think the heart knows any boundaries.



For your son and you it will probably be hardest -- but webcam can help
alot. When I went to Dubai for a month I was very worried over my son
(he was 8) and is very attached to me. Yet when I went he was fine --
although one reason was I had planned his month and made sure he said
very busy. We did talk every night before bed on webcam and that did
help alot.



Good luck and remember some people don't understand meeting on net, much
less falling in love over the net. I even met one woman the other day
that didn't know what a webcam was........I like to think those of us
who find love here are maybe just a little more advanced in our life
skills.........LOL.


--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

And of course, with global shrinking nowadays, you can get some very
respectable flight prices, especially in winter. My friend flew here to
Chicago in February for around 200 GBP. Phones too, my mum is on NTL at 2
pence a minute. I probably have more contact with her now than when I was
still in Britian.

regards, Jacqueline

"Slaveofconvention" <colin@slaveofconvention.com> wrote in message
news:yUmVa.1332$o8.154@news-binary.blueyonder.co.uk... I am a from the UK, and engaged to Diana, a USC from WV. Virtually no-one seems to be in favor of our choices and decisions, but I can allocate selfish reasons to all of them. My family (small and
fragmented as it is) is wondering what the hell I'm thinking of, moving across the planet to be with someone I've only known 8 months. My mother keeps asking me (in a really frustratingly hopeful tone of voice) if I still want to go (She's divorced and thinks she'll be all alone once I go - despite the
fact that we see each other only every month or so, and at 50 she has a better social life than most women half her age!). My son, oh my son, Jack, my sweet beautiful 6 year old I'm leaving behind asked me if I wanted to be with him or Diana more (how the hell do you answer that????). My best friend thinks I'm just plain nuts. (But as well as being my best friend, I'm his only real friend outside work) My sons grandparents on his mothers side, with whom I've remained good friends seem devastatingly neutral compared to our past relationship.(they cant believe I can leave my son) My ex girlfriend (not my sons mother) is the only one who supports my
choice (its a wonderful thing if you can change a failed romance into a true friendship). On her side of the pond, her brother is worried about my intentions - do I just want to get into the US? Her mother is carefully neutral, but supportive of Diana making her own decisions,(but seems reluctant to endorse them) Her step-father, well if I tell you about him my post will be removed for profanity.... Her friends all think she's nuts. Her sister in law, is completely supportive, she likes me, and she
supports Dianas right to decide. My Diana explains that she thinks its because no-one from where she comes from (small town in West Virginia) does things like this... LOL OH!, one more positive, her friends 6 month old baby son thinks im the
best thing since sliced bread hehe This is a tough enough situation - with paperwork enough to kill a small forest, and time and lonliness enough to devastate the strongest of
people, without all this too..... I don't expect a lot in the way of replies (but any, here or direct to me via email are very VERY welcome) - I think as much as anything else I
needed to vent. in that respect - for those of you take the time to read this, thankyou for that time. I love this woman - she loves me - of those two facts I have NO doubt - remaining apart will drive us apart - being apart now is horrific - we
NEED each other as much as we WANT each other and to me, thats the bottom line. We are both painfully aware that, if we don't do this, we will spend the rest of our lives thinking "What if....?" - no that isnt the only reason
we are doing it but.... its one of them, I admit. Please, (and I know this makes any replies I get entirely biased) if your reply is going to be along the lines of "Maybe you should listen to all these people, don't send it - I feel disheartened enough that all these people who tell me how much they care seem to against me taking the steps
to be happy with the woman i adore beyond all words. Thankyou for listening, sympathising (where appropriate) and just taking a little bit of time to think for me, even if its only seconds. Colin

I agree with those who suggested maybe your fiance can come to live in
the UK. Leaving your son at this age will be devastating to him unless
he can visit you frequently. Try to look into your fiance living in the
UK for awhile. Not only will your son get to "keep" you but he'll see
what a wonderful stepmom he's has.



That said, I can sympathize. Initially, my family and friends all
assumed my husband was after me for a green card. Heck he's 13 years
younger, unemployed, barely spoke English (he does now), etc... His
family, although polite in my presense, were fearful of their
son/brother/nephew/cousin going off to the land of infidels where all
Muslims are hated and our economy was taking a beating (if he had to
be unemployed better in the bossom of his family than alone in a
strange country).



Flash ahead to now and you have families who are united by our love as
we've more than demonstrated our commitment to and respect for each
other time and time again. Our families see this and it's hard to stay
skeptical under those circumstances. What they need is time and what
the two of you need is patience. It will change if you're truly in love
and willing to put each other's needs first.





Patty Khadijah


--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

A couple of snippets quoted from the OP:


"Virtually no-one seems to be in favor of our choices and decisions, but I
can allocate selfish reasons to all of them."

"My son, oh my son, Jack, my sweet beautiful 6 year old I'm leaving behind
asked me if I wanted to be with him or Diana more (how the hell do you
answer that????)."



Truth from the mouth of babes, huh?



How selfish everybody else seems to be....



Well, I read this yesterday and wondered whether to respond and did the
same today. But you asked for opinions. I doubt mine will be popular
but what the hell. You have a son. A son is for life, not just till the
current romance with his mother ends and you find someone else. Give
the webcam to your girlfriend till she can come join you in the UK. If
your love is that strong for one another, she will do this for you, and
for your son.



Personally, if a guy offered, out of love, to walk that far away from
his children for me, I'd tell him exactly where to stuff it. Even if I
loved him desperately. If he could walk away from his own child, how
could I ever trust him to be committed to me? How would I dare to have
children with him, knowing they could be abandoned? How would it be
possible to respect him?



This is going to sound harsh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you face some
really tough decisions. But it seems having asked all the people who
love you for answers and got the wrong ones, you have branded the whole
lot of them selfish and come here looking for better answers.



Your "beautiful son" could very quickly become your very wounded and
deeply rejected son. Please reconsider.



I haven't written this off the cuff. I thought about writing last night
and reconsidered. Whatever you may think of my response - and that of
your family - it's deeply considered and meant with the best of
intentions.



I quote again: "My son, oh my son, Jack, my sweet beautiful 6 year old
I'm leaving behind

asked me if I wanted to be with him or Diana more ."



WHat you do next will answer his question more deeply than any
explanations or techno-gifts can ever do. It's a question from the
heart. How do you answer it? What you do will be your answer. Don't kid
yourself you can avoid that one.



Sincerely

-=-

Scarlett


--
Scarlett Hill


Posted via http://britishexpats.com

Originally posted by ScarlettHill
A couple of snippets quoted from the OP:



Truth from the mouth of babes, huh?

How selfish everybody ELSE seems to be....

Well, I read this yesterday and wondered whether to respond and did the same today. But you asked for opinions. I doubt mine will be popular but what the hell. You have a son. A son is for life, not just till the current romance with his mother ends and you find someone else. Give the webcam to your girlfriend till she can come join you in the UK. If your love is that strong for one another, she will do this for you, and for your son.

Personally, if a guy offered, out of love, to walk that far away from his children for me, I'd tell him exactly where to stuff it. Even if I loved him desperately. If he could walk away from his own child, how could I ever trust him to be committed to me? How would I dare to have children with him, knowing they could be abandoned? How would it be possible to respect him?

This is going to sound harsh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you face some really tough decisions. But it seems having asked all the people who love you for answers and got the wrong ones, you have branded the whole lot of them selfish and come here looking for better answers.

Your "beautiful son" could very quickly become your very wounded and deeply rejected son. Please reconsider.

I haven't written this off the cuff. I thought about writing last night and reconsidered. Whatever you may think of my response - and that of your family - it's deeply considered and meant with the best of intentions.

I quote again: "My son, oh my son, Jack, my sweet beautiful 6 year old I'm leaving behind
asked me if I wanted to be with him or Diana more ."

What you do next will answer his question more deeply than any explanations or techno-gifts can ever do. It's a question from the heart. How do you answer it? What you do will be your answer. Don't kid yourself you can avoid that one.

Sincerely
-=-
Scarlett

Scarlett,

Very eloquently put, and made me rethink my more 'selfish' answer. Not
having children myself, I think I glossed over the comment regarding
Jack. Thanks for making me, and probably the OP, think again. :-)

Rene


--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

"remaining apart will drive us apart - being apart now is horrific - we NEED
each other as much as we WANT each other and to me, thats the bottom line."

perhaps I've misread something - but isn't your 6 year old son going to be
thinking the same thing about you when you go?

I'm all up for going against the grain of opinion - but leaving your six
year old son behind??? The time for being a selfish idiot ended the moment
your kid was born - try thinking about him instead of running away from your
responsibilities as a parent.

<<Jason>>

"Slaveofconvention" <colin@slaveofconvention.com> wrote in message
news:yUmVa.1332$o8.154@news-binary.blueyonder.co.uk... I am a from the UK, and engaged to Diana, a USC from WV. Virtually no-one seems to be in favor of our choices and decisions, but I can allocate selfish reasons to all of them. My family (small and
fragmented as it is) is wondering what the hell I'm thinking of, moving across the planet to be with someone I've only known 8 months. My mother keeps asking me (in a really frustratingly hopeful tone of voice) if I still want to go (She's divorced and thinks she'll be all alone once I go - despite the
fact that we see each other only every month or so, and at 50 she has a better social life than most women half her age!). My son, oh my son, Jack, my sweet beautiful 6 year old I'm leaving behind asked me if I wanted to be with him or Diana more (how the hell do you answer that????). My best friend thinks I'm just plain nuts. (But as well as being my best friend, I'm his only real friend outside work) My sons grandparents on his mothers side, with whom I've remained good friends seem devastatingly neutral compared to our past relationship.(they cant believe I can leave my son) My ex girlfriend (not my sons mother) is the only one who supports my
choice (its a wonderful thing if you can change a failed romance into a true friendship). On her side of the pond, her brother is worried about my intentions - do I just want to get into the US? Her mother is carefully neutral, but supportive of Diana making her own decisions,(but seems reluctant to endorse them) Her step-father, well if I tell you about him my post will be removed for profanity.... Her friends all think she's nuts. Her sister in law, is completely supportive, she likes me, and she
supports Dianas right to decide. My Diana explains that she thinks its because no-one from where she comes from (small town in West Virginia) does things like this... LOL OH!, one more positive, her friends 6 month old baby son thinks im the
best thing since sliced bread hehe This is a tough enough situation - with paperwork enough to kill a small forest, and time and lonliness enough to devastate the strongest of
people, without all this too..... I don't expect a lot in the way of replies (but any, here or direct to me via email are very VERY welcome) - I think as much as anything else I
needed to vent. in that respect - for those of you take the time to read this, thankyou for that time. I love this woman - she loves me - of those two facts I have NO doubt - remaining apart will drive us apart - being apart now is horrific - we
NEED each other as much as we WANT each other and to me, thats the bottom line. We are both painfully aware that, if we don't do this, we will spend the rest of our lives thinking "What if....?" - no that isnt the only reason
we are doing it but.... its one of them, I admit. Please, (and I know this makes any replies I get entirely biased) if your reply is going to be along the lines of "Maybe you should listen to all these people, don't send it - I feel disheartened enough that all these people who tell me how much they care seem to against me taking the steps
to be happy with the woman i adore beyond all words. Thankyou for listening, sympathising (where appropriate) and just taking a little bit of time to think for me, even if its only seconds. Colin

Originally posted by Jason Humphries
"remaining apart will drive us apart - being apart now is horrific - we NEED
each other as much as we WANT each other and to me, thats the bottom line."





So, too, do all those on this NG want their loved ones. Many of us have
been separated (except for occasional visits) for a lot longer than you.
We survive. It's not pleasant, we all wish it were otherwise. I doubt
though, there are any of us who would be so melodramatic as to say our
separation - if continued - would drive us apart. If that were the
case, then the commit isn't very deep. IMHO.



Patty


--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com

Just wanted to say I feel bad for you in what you are going through.
The first thing that came to mind after reading that you had a six
year old son was....is there any way your fiancee would consider
coming to live with you in the U.K? You could always return at some
point when the son was older.

When I first met my now husband (internet) my parents automatically
assumed he was an axe murderer. They would not meet him when he came
to Canada to see for themselves that he wasn't. So much for their
concerns of my safety also - I went and picked him up from the airport
on my own. We got engaged on his visit. My parents would not talk to
me for 4 months after that telling me that I was selfish and not
considering how my girls felt about the situation. One was 22 at the
time, working full time, living in another city and living with her
b/f. At that point she had been living with him for 5 years. My 19
year old would have nothing to do with me and moved back in with her
father. We had wanted her to come on a K2 but she would have nothing
to do with it. The only people who supported me were my co-workers
and close personal friends. Well.....I proceeded with it further,
nothing was stopping me. I had been a single mom for 8 years and was
totally miserable. I had never dated and other than working stayed at
home with my kids. I never had any kind of social life...just wanted
to be the devoted mom to the two living at home with me. As you note,
my oldest one was on her own and the other was talking of getting her
own place anyhow. I found this wonderful man and for the first time
in my life was very happy.

Finally my parents started coming around; I guess they could sense how
happy I was. They regretted not having met my fiance and giving him
the chance. At one point my father even said he was glad I didn't
listen to him, at least this one time anyhow. Finally it was support
all around. My kids even came around although the youngest was
standoffish. My kids met my husband for the first time this year in
January; my parents arrive in 2 weeks to meet him for the first time.
I've been here in the U.S. for 13 months now. Oh and btw I have a 12
year old son who immigrated with me.

Just wanted to say that life is short and you have to do what is best
for you. No one can live your life for you. Best of luck to you.

Just wanted to say that life is short and you have to do what is best
for you. No one can live your life for you. Best of luck to you.





I totally agree with this above statement.

Alot of people have given their opinions but at the end of the day it is
your decision colin and other people's opinions cannot make this
decision for you so go with what you feel is right. You know yourself
and your surroundings better than anyone. I wish you both the best of
luck whatever you decide.



Nicola


--
Posted via http://britishexpats.com