What state do you live in? Kentucky

If CP has to work and NCP has to work would SP (spouse of NCP) have a first right of refusal before grandparents or life-long (private care) babysitter?

Stepmother manipulates kids... I arranged for preschool daughter to return to babysitter after completing preschool for year. Mom and Dad both have to work. Arrangements were made months prior to sm requesting daughter. I explained that her arrangments were made. SM encourages daughter to beg me, she coaxes her... I have explained 3 times that the plans were made and I wasn't going to change them at this point. SM continues to push daughter to ask.

SM also made plans for the kids on Mother's Day... when I wouldn't let the kids go... she told them, "I wanted to take you to the circus, but your mom wouldn't let me." She forgot to mention that I offered that they could go on the Thurs, Fri, or Sat of my scheduled weekend if she wanted to rearrange tickets for a day other than Mother's Day.

EH supports her... This misinformation is pulling at the kids... it's hurting them. What can I do?

You can document all of this garbage she is shoveling and ask your attorney if it approaches contempt of the custody order.

Usually, there is something about bad mouthing the absent parent as part of the agreement.

The step mother is a legal stranger to the children. She has no say, whatsoever, in any aspect of the children's lives. None.

She doesn't have anything even approaching first right of refusal... any more than a stranger walking by on the street does from a legal point of view.

Time to remind SM of these facts. It may take returning to court.

Oh... and tell her the next time she tries to use the kids as a manipulation tool - Mommy is selfish because she wants you on Mother's Day - you are going to go back to court to see if the NCP visitation can be held only WITHOUT her present.... because she is not acting in the best interests of the child.

No, you won't win that one... she is married to your ex and lives there... but it could limit the amount of visitation ex gets....

I am a stepfather myself... I really hate it when other step parents try to replace or push out birth parents so that they can start playing house.

Only ones that lose are the children.

Thanks for the quick reply. I am thinking court has to be my next step. I went to court 18 mos ago to have the judge enforce the visitation order... he kept cancelling and the kids were hurting because of it. He thinks as long as SM is there, he doesn't have to be. Our daughter has even said, "Daddy's not there much." The kids need time with their father. They need to be able to depend on him and count on him as a regular aspect in their lives. He only seems to want to do this on his schedule... sporadicaly. He often calls at the last minute and wants them... when this doesn't fit into what we have already planned... he storms away or shouts in the phone that I'm trying to keep him from his kids and that one day I'll pay for it. I'm so tired of it all.

SM was never able to have children of her own. She does have an adopted child. I think your point about "playing house" is exactly the point. She really would like me out of the picture so she can be Mommy. She's pushing so hard for this (encouraging the kids that there are no "steps", wanting to spend Mother's Day with them) the kids are becoming resentful and hurt. I don't know how to address this without coming across as a jealous ex wife. I'm not. I'm sooooo glad to be divorced. And I came to the realization long before leaving the marriage that I was going to be ok watching EH carry on his life with someone else, in our old house. Nothing about that has changed. I do take issue with her wanting to be mommy... and him being supportive of that.

I admire people who adopt, and those who can be foster parents and open their homes and hearts to other children. But, she constantly says to the kids... "I love you just like you were my own." And I can't help but question if someone who has never had their own can really understand how deeply you can love your own.

Not to be picky... I have one bio child and one that came with the marriage.

My love for both is beyond question... and equal as far as I can tell... I have done a fair amount of self examination... and I don't see any difference... and neither does my wife.

Anyway...

I would also have the judge discourage the children from calling SM "Mommy"... they have a mother and it is not her.

Time to nip this in the bud.

By the way, I prefer the term "Bonus parent"... kids, if the adults act like adults, never will suffer having extra people around that love them and have their best interests at heart. As long as punishments and praises are the same in every house they go to (with the notable exception of the granparent's homes... heck, no one can stop THAT), the kids will find pluses and minuses in both homes... and both WILL be home.

The step mother needs to realize that you didn't lose your children to her when she married the husband. The point of visitation is for the children to connect and know their bio parents... not whomever those bio parents married/dated/etc.

I would address in court what will be done if dad isn't there... and how much lead time he has to give to the visitation process.

Time for adults to act like adults.

What state? KY

I LOVE the term "Bonus Parent". That's how I explained it to our son when he came home from their house upset about the "no steps" talk. I told him about his Grandma B and P'pa being my step parents... and that it didn't mean that I didn't love them or that I wasn't glad they were a part of my life. And I told him the same was true for he and SM... that he was lucky to have so many people in his life to love and care about him. I also told him it was ok with me if he loves her and likes spending time with her. That it wasn't going to hurt our relationship for him to care about other people too. He's still struggling.

I hope you didn't take offense to the amount of love statement... I just know how impossible it would seem to love anyone as much as I love these two. Didn't think it wasn't possible... just difficult for me to imagine.