Basically as told by everyone here I haven't let my daughter back over to his house. And he hasn't complained yet. Christmas is coming up this weekend as everyone knows and he wants to see her, obvously.

I don't want to let her go, especially when he called up today sounding all messed up and calling me every name he could think of and saying it was my fault he was yelling at me...agh!

Anyway, since we were never married nothing has ever gone to court about custody. He signed the birth cert, the child has his last name, and the CS order names me as CP. But is that enough?? If he tries to call the cops or something on me (dunno if he can do that) b/c I deny him visitation on a holiday (aka he'll be mad), is the CS order calling me custodial parent enough???

And can I get a restraining order based soley on harassment. Should I just completely stop answering calls and let the machine get it?? And what do I do on christmas day when he sends his mother and she starts yelling at me??

I'm scared, I'm stressed. And really just don't know how to get away from all this. Or how to deal with the interactions that have and will take place.

In court he made it a point for him and his mother to sit right next to me and it made me so uncomfortable. He even brought up he saw my car, meaning he'd know where I'd be heading when I left which freaked me out. Luckally they kept him there so I could leave. But it all made me really nervous.

They talked to us seperately and when he came out he made it sound like if he went to jail it was all my fault, that I'd be doing it to him, etc. Again made me really nervous.

So how do I deal with all this??

Unless he has a court order for visitation, you do not need to grant him that. Don't answer his calls, don't let him in your home. You can tell him you will file criminal tresspass charges if he steps foot on your property. Let him file for visitation, that's his responsibility to take care of, not yours.

If he has a court order, then you need to follow what the visitation order says.

I called my local police and explained the situation, they agreed that I do not and should not send her there if I feel she is in danger. And also that because of the alcohol he offered and him biting her that I can file a police report after all, (I thought I couldn't) and that I could also involve CPS because of the child abuse.

So I'm feeling a little more confident, but scared he's going to come after me after the police show up at his house. I'm not sure if he will go to jail over a police report (he's on probation), if so at least I wouldn't be so worried about him coming after me.

So hopefully this week or next week I'll be able to get a restraining order.

There are a lot of people in the world that cannot or will not accept his or her own responsiblility in what it going on in their lives. It is much easier to rant and rave and blame the world for their lot in life than to look at themselves and lay blame where it truly belongs.

You have custody. Period :mad: (that was an inside joke to the rest of the veteran posters here lol) You don't have to let him or anyone else he may send, have your child for this holiday or any other holiday, weekend, birthday, presidents day, etc....., until there is a visitation order. No visitation order = no visitation and you would not and could not be taken to court for violating an order that does not exist.

If they show up on your doorstep call 911 and let that dispatcher hear you tell them to leave your home. Stay on the line while you wait for the officers if you are able. When the police arrive, if they are still there they will be subject to arrest for trespassing because you would have already told them to leave. If they start making threats while you are on the phone then you have proof of harrassment and possibly for terroristic threats. You could kill several birds with one phone call.

Once you have this report and if they do make idiots of themselves, you can use that to get a restraining order. If they really show out while you are on the phone with the dispatcher, request a copy of the recording before you go to court and have a hard copy of the report with you as well. If there are any other reports on him (or anyone else that shows up at your door step with him or on his behalf) take those with you as well. It doesn't matter if none of these involve you. If he has been trouble for others, it will show a pattern of behavior that will work in your favor. Keep these for any possible visitation case in the future.


Don't stress, just plan ahead and try to relax and have a GREAT holiday with the baby kid!

A deputy came out last night and spoke with me and my daughter. He wrote it up as child abuse, but since there were no marks, no evidence and my ex probably denied it, not much they can do. But I'm happy with having the paper trail.

Everyone kept telling me to get one, but I was always really scared of what he might do after the cops left his house. I couldn't sleep last night, I was afraid he was going to show up.

So at the urging of the officer last night I went and filed for an injunction, just waiting now for the judge to decide. I'm so nervous. I really hope it goes through because I hate feeling scared in my own house. When I kept the peace with the guy I didn't worry as much.

I now see why everyone here told me to keep a journal, dates, etc. They wanted those specifics on the paperwork. So I will def keep writing things down! thank you all so much!!! Hopefully this will go through and I will have a nice quiet christmas. :o

I hope everything goes well today. Good luck today with the judge!

Unfortunetly the judge only set a hearing. Now I'm afraid if the judge doesn't see it my way my ex will be granted visitation. Which is scary, now that she has "told on him". The date isn't until january so maybe I can get enough evidence before then to help me.

He called me today yelling at me. He called from his sister's house, I thought it was her so I answered it. So I guess that's so he can deny he called me. I hung up on him and wrote down the date/time and what he said. There was another officer that came today to talk to me about the abuse. So I told her also what was going on with him harassing me. She had also went to talk to my daughter at her school today.

She's not going to go talk to my ex until after the holidays. So for now I'm not getting much sleep, I've lost my appitite, and I'm just so stressed I dunno what to do. I'm just going to try and spend time with my family this weekend and try to get all this off my mind for a bit.

Has he filed for visitation?

no he hasn't filed for visitation that I know of.

I'm trying to get everything together of what I'm going to say. Apparently he sweet talked his ex and now she won't give me a copy of her injunction to prove he has a violent past. So all i can do is tell the judge I suppose.

He hasn't really given me any evidence. He called my house about 10 times in a row but from blocked numbers and his sister's phones. So I really can't prove it was him harassing me. Or will the judge listen to that despite the lack of evidence??

I don't know what to tell the judge, what isn't important, etc...any advice???
And how do I explain his anger problems?? Basically he goes off the handle everytime he hears something he doesn't like or something doesn't go his way, but I don't know how to say that like I'm not bashing the guy.

I also printed up pictures of bruises my daughter got that look like fingerprints on her leg. She wouldn't say how she got them, but it could be helpful anyway right??

Call your telephone company and ask them to change your account to NOT ALLOW BLOCKED CALLERS.

If you do that, any calls from a blocked number will not come through. The person calling will receive a message that states "The party you are calling does not accept calls from unlisted numbers."

They should be able to put that on your account immediately (within minutes) and you will no longer receive harrassing calls unless he is willing to unblock the number........

God Bless!
Amy

wow, wish I had jumped on here that day!! It was a day or two after I filed for the injunction.

First he called from his reasonable older sister's phone, i thought it was her so I answered...but it was him.
So I can only assume the rest were from him as well.

I talked to his other ex, she said he's doing it b/c he thinks my injunction actually went through and he knows he's not allowed to contact me. She also said he ran when the deputy went to talk to him about the report my daughter made about him biting her and offering her alcohol.

You may want to check with your clerk of courts to find if the records for the exW's injunction are available. In my state they are public information. You do not want to go to court with he said/she said. You HAVE to have evidence to back it up.

Well we went to court, he openly said that his ex had an injunction for good reason. But it really didn't help me much.

Since CPS is still investigating they set another court date. Allowed him to call my house from 730-8pm to talk to my daughter and that's it. Thank god.

Of corse he kept himself in line, until we were in the parking lot. I had an escort out but he was hanging out of the car he was in saying "I'm going to smother you" singing it actually.

His little sister even got on the stand and lied. But I didn't call her on it. Figured she'd just lie more. So therefore I dunno. There was a victim advocate who said she might be able to set me up with a lawyer.

He also went into child support and how he's supposed to have joint custody. whatever. He's not. And said he's getting a lawyer to fight that. I don't think I'll even need a lawyer for that one. He says he has witnesses...again whatever. A bunch of people lieing on the stand. He did take her every other week for a while, but only if it was good for him, and even if they knock off the child support for that time he still owes a ton of money.

That ended when he said he was using meth, was an addict and refused treatment.

So any ideas for me?? I kinda lost my nerve a bit up there and was all over the place. I'm going to see about getting a lawyer for next time so he or she can keep everything on track.

You definitely need an atty. Pro Se is not for the ones that cannot competently conduct themselves in court. (that is not a knock against you. I would NEVER go pro se. I just know my temperment and know that it would NOT be a pretty picture when I went over the rail to beat the tar out of my ex.:D I make a GREAT witness, though.)

When you get an atty, you need to lay out everything you have and then focus on ONLY what the atty tells you is relevant in court. I know and you know what is relevant to YOU, but that does not necessarily mean that it is relevant in court.

Hang in there. :)

When dealing with persons like your ex, I can't tell you enough how much it helps to have an attorney...

During my husbands custody case for his daughter, his ex did not have an attorney. We did. Basically, anytime she got on the stand and began lying or trying to manipulate (when we wouldve wanted to jump up and scream YOU ARE LYING), our attorney was calmed and reserved. He was prepared for her lies. Based on the information we had already given him, he simply remained quiet, and later called one of us or a teacher or family member on to the stand and asked specific questions meant to counter the lie she had given 10 minutes before....... He was able to frame his questions so that it was perceived more believable, and provable if we were given the opportunity to retrieve the info.

Only because she didn't have a lawyer she was too dumb to realize that we had just shot down her lie.... She was too busy feeling proud like she had gotten away with something because she'd said her peice!

We provided our attorney with a notebook filled with:
Doctors records (both from while daughter was in bm's care and in ours)
School records
Teachers names & statements of what they'd witnessed (and one to testify)
Pictures of our stable home, pictures of her room (judges love that)
Pictures of the outside of her bm's home (awful) and daughters description of the home (bm did not dispute the description). - There were holes in her floor!!
Criminal history checks on bm and all her boyfriends
Social workers name who had investigated bm's household repeatedly

He pulled what he could use from the notebook we made as we went along. Our job was to get him all the info we could. I also had a journal which I had written down all interations with bm - I took it with me to the stand and used it to answer questions (judge liked that one too).

God Bless!
Amy

again wow and thanks for all the info as usual!!!

I didn't lose my temper, I just couldn't get my sentances out as I had planned. I was shakey, scared, etc. I tried to not even look at my ex and pretend he wasn't there so I could attempt to speak freely, but it was still hard. Not to mention I was shocked when his sister openly lied. But my next statement was about what my daughter had said that conflicted her statement. So I think I did good then.

He of corse was calm and also oh so proud of himself when he got out. I'm pretty sure the judge noticed how nervous I was. But if I can have an atty there next time he (or she) will be better to direct me.

I just get almost paralyzed around him. I'm always walking on egg shells around him as it is or was rather. Trying not to anger him, so this was a huge opposite kind of thing. Trying to say in front of him things that will/would upset him was a very scary thing.

I talked to my dad and he remembered seeing the bite mark on her arm, so he is going to testify the next round and I'm also going to get in touch with my daughter's previous teacher and hope she saw/remembers it. Only problem is I think if she would have seen it before I would have heard about it and I didn't.

Anyway I'm also going to take my daughter to a group support place for domestic violence next week, so hopefully that will help my daughter, and possibly me in court.

Oh my daughter drew pictures also of where he bit her...should I show that to the judge next time??? I will show it to the attny just in case they can use it anyway if I can manage to get one.

Talk to the support group about a one-on-one counselor for your daughter. Take your daughter to a professional psychologist who can 1 - help her deal with this entire situation and 2 - discuss delicate issues of abuse with her, without her feeling as though she is being interrogated.

The psychologist makes the best witness of all!!!!!!! BUT, most do not want to get involved with a case that may involve court battles, so find your pscyh through the victims group - they should know who to recommend thats not afraid of court...

My daughter revealed her abuse to her counselor and a social worker...... both of them were willing to testify and present in court when bio-mom was prosecuted. Her attorney advised her to plead guilty - she did not want a trial & facing that kind of evidence.

God Bless!!
Amy

Thanks will do.

Also I was thinking of dismissing the injunction. Here's why. At this point his only visitation is a phone call at a certain time. I don't think the judge has enough actual evidence and I don't want him to have to rule for visitation based on not much evidence. I would rather my ex have to file for visitation, not me basically hand it to him.

What does everyone think??

I mean my daughter has said she has been hurt, I want to make my ex really work for it if he actually wants to see her. And then bring in my witnesses so it can be supervised visitation at least.

Honestly, he hasn't seen her for about a month, he was allowed to call at 730 and speak to her til 8pm...he called at 7:55, so being the first night I did let it go over about 10 minutes then my daughter made an excuse to get off the phone. Then the next two nights he didn't even bother calling at all.

If the tables were turned I'd have my phone in hand at 7:25 and be watching the clock waiting to call. Not whatever he's doing. Not that I mind, and our daughter hasn't been complaining. But with proper documentation that might help prove he only sees her when it's good for him right?? Or would a judge even care?

I think the judge would rule for visitation based on having at least some testimony and or evidence of violence. For this reason I wouldn't drop the injunction. I understand the temptation to drop it and let him have to pursue visitation on his own, however, with the current issues, IMHO now would be the better time.

Keep records (Keeping a log and if you can get them, records of all incoming calls) of the times he has exercised his right to call and the days he hasn't. If it ultimately shows that he has had the opportunity to contact your child and has not, that will also be another point in your favor.

Your ex (potentially) will have rights to see his child. Why not use this opportunity to your advantage?

Well the judge was waiting for CPS to finish their investigation. I got in touch with the worker and she said there wasn't enough evidence for her to do anything but to tell him to stop and watch himself.

So I'm afraid the judge will go based on that. But this time I will have at least one witness. blah/*sigh*

He finally called the night before last and said he's been in the hospital. That his liver is only functioning at like 80% or something, I didn't really care so I was barely listening. From what I get though, either he'll stop drinking or could possibly die. Which is great, because he might actually stop drinking (mainly the cause of most of his problems).

He asked our daughter if he could call the next day, but never did. But I am keeping logs of times and dates that he does and doesn't call. I'm just afraid now he might play the sympathy card in court also.

Any way I could spin his liver problems in with the drinking without sounding bad??

Well the judge was waiting for CPS to finish their investigation. I got in touch with the worker and she said there wasn't enough evidence for her to do anything but to tell him to stop and watch himself.

So I'm afraid the judge will go based on that. But this time I will have at least one witness. blah/*sigh*

He finally called the night before last and said he's been in the hospital. That his liver is only functioning at like 80% or something, I didn't really care so I was barely listening. From what I get though, either he'll stop drinking or could possibly die. Which is great, because he might actually stop drinking (mainly the cause of most of his problems).

He asked our daughter if he could call the next day, but never did. But I am keeping logs of times and dates that he does and doesn't call. I'm just afraid now he might play the sympathy card in court also.

Any way I could spin his liver problems in with the drinking without sounding bad??

Okay, I'm sorry and I know this is sick humor, but when I read the bolded statement, I had to giggle. If MY ex had told me that he had to do such and such or he would die, I would think GREAT, too...however, I would be focusing on the more negative consequence. Honey, you're a better woman than I am.

***********************

Now, to your next question....

There's not really a way you can spin it. You will be trying to say that he is incapable of caring for the child because he has liver problems. You would have to successfully get his medical records (which would virtually be a no go, UNLESS he brought them into court to back up his case) and THEN show that his illness makes him an unfit parent. Not a good strategy.

Now, to your next question....

There's not really a way you can spin it. You will be trying to say that he is incapable of caring for the child because he has liver problems. You would have to successfully get his medical records (which would virtually be a no go, UNLESS he brought them into court to back up his case) and THEN show that his illness makes him an unfit parent. Not a good strategy.[/QUOTE]

I meant...like spin it as if he had drank himself there. He will probably admit he was in the hospital for the liver problem b/c i have written down all the times he hasn't called to speak with his daughter.

And yeah I'm horrible, when i realized he may have to quit drinking or have liver failure, I was pretty excited. Either way it goes he'd be a better father...lol. See I'm horrible. But at least maybe his family will stop enableing him. He doesn't have a job, they buy the alcohol for him.

Oh I got every police report on him since he was 18, which includes one of his bakeracts for attempted suicide, a domestic dispute (with his last g/f who has an injunction on him now), theft (only a few months ago), and a report on which people feared for their life and were attacked by him!! Only problem I can see is that most of it was a while ago, but can I use it for a history???

How much of this has occured after the child was born. The theft won't really be a big deal unless he had the child with him when he decided to help himself to a 5 finger discount.

You might be able to use these things to establish a pattern of conduct. However, if any of this has occured (especially the violence) during your child's life time or anywhere near the child, it could help your case.

It ALL happen after my daughter was born. We were young when we had her, so there's more but it's sealed because he was under 18. (we had her at 17). I became an adult rather quickly, but he well never really has. Maybe by age but not maturity. Most of his bad conduct happen after I left him. I saw him getting worse and had to leave.

I just never thought he would hurt his daughter intentionally or not. But I guess that was ignorant of me.

Quote:
I just never thought he would hurt his daughter intentionally or not. But I guess that was ignorant of me.

Do not blame yourself for not being aware that someone you once loved was capable of doing something like this. It is not your fault. Don't focus on the "what ifs" of your situation, instead focus on what you can do about it.

My husband was married at 19 years old to his daughters mother who was then 18... She left him 6 months after their daughter was born (1 year after they were married). He had learned during that time that she was immature, and would always want to be "back home" with her own mother ... and a lot of problems ensued during battles for visitation, suspicion of neglect, etc. BUT NEVER, not in a million years would he have ever suspected that she would sexually abuse their daughter years later... NOTHING could have prepared him for such a shock. You do not know what ANYONE else will do, and you can not blame yourself for it...

Do what you can NOW to keep your daughter safe & get her the help she needs, and don't look back at the past (other than to prosecute if possible, of course).

God Bless!
Amy

Can I bring audio recordings in on an MP3 player?? I have know idea. I recorded on video (digital) what my daughter said and have transferred it to an older MP3 player I have that does have speakers I can attach. I think if the judge hears what I heard from my daughter it would help greatly.

And my latest heart tugger, my daughter of corse still sees her father as a saint. And they keep saying (during phone visitation) "we have your presents here", basically saying come over and we'll give you presents. bribing almost!! blah!! I'm not telling my daughter bad things but I ask her "why do you want to go to a place where you are being hurt???" And of corse no logical reason. I know kids of that age still see their parents as perfect. It just makes me feel like she's going to hate me over it all.

But in the same thought I know she'll thank me later. I tell her it's up to the judge so I'm not totally the bad guy here. Any other suggestions to tell her/help her through this??

I did end up with a lawyer. She told me basically if I got the restraining order they would have to figure out visitation, if I didn't it would never even get brought up.

I didn't get the restraining order. Not sufficient evidence I suppose. Anyway so he has never established paternity and there is no visitation setup. Essentially making him a legal stranger, according to the lawyer. :D

So therefore I guess I can just kick back and keep my logs until he figures it out and possibly files for all of that.

He looked pretty happy with himself after the denial. I gave him a nice smirk, knowing he thought he would be able to get our daughter now. ha not a chance. He even admitted this time that he's an alcoholic to the judge. He got a nice lecture about that and drinking around his kids. ;)

Like I said unless a court forces her to go, I'm not sending her into harm's way. And w/o the restraining order in place at the moment I'm sure he'll probably give me some evidence.

Seems to me he just made your case for supervised visitaton should he ever get around to filing for it. Make sure you order transcripts of todays hearing so the next judge gets to hear about his admission about being an alcoholic.

who or how would I contact the court about the transcripts??

All I know is they audio record it and there are cameras in there also.

And I think he'd still attempt to lie his way out of it later. Like he has since quit drinking, (yeah right).

But I will try to get a copy. I'll go to their website today and see if I can find anything.

Also at the first hearing he had admitted his ex had an injunction on him that was "needed and necessary" as he said because he was on drugs at the time. Might that help me also??

I found where to obtain court records on their website really quick!

I should get certified copies right??

Thanks I would have never known!!! I have the address to the building, hours, costs/fees, etc. :D

Also he's been to court plenty of times. Should I take a look at those files also and see if he has admitted to anything else helpful? Like more references to drug use, etc??

thank you thank you thank you!!! :D

Yes those would help too.

Call the court on Monday and ask where you could apply for a transcript. These cost varying amounts but well worth the price should he decide to seek visitation.

def will do as soon as I can.

He didn't take the news very well that he's going to have to go through the legal system. Cursed me out of corse that day. Then called again today (the next day) and asked again to see her, then to speak with her.

As soon as he got her on the phone he was telling her to ask me if she could go over there, I guess so she'd get mad at me basically. I told her he has to go back and ask the judge long story short.

Ok today, I was taking my son to the doctor.

About a block away is my ex at a bus stop. He sees me right after I saw him, he starts screaming "There's the witch" (but the other word) throws his hands up and starts towards my car saying "c'mon c'mon witch" again the other word.

Now should I report it or just log it?? I have no witnesses, just the fact that I think he might have been at a nearby place that has a sign in sheet. I'm trying to get ahold of the person in charge to see if I can get a copy of their sign in sheet for this morning.