Well, after two years of no contact, and one year since his court case was dismissed, my son's father is once again pursuing visitation. I have no idea what he's been doing this entire time.

A few things:

I heard this from MY attorney. I have not been served with any papers regarding visitation. She contacted me. Could they have served me THROUGH my attorney? Is that legal, or do they have to physically serve ME? The court date is on Friday (12-7) and I have not been served.

Should I expect any orders to begin by Christmas? What do you think? Supervised visits until they get to know eachother, then unsupervised, then regular. Can I request a drug test? He is still living with people who smoke a lot of pot (I know this because I called... he refused to come to the phone). I don't think he's a crack head, but a pot smoker, definately.

Can I request a visit to his home by a GAL?

I know I'll have to countersue for CS. Since I have never pursued it before, is it likely I can get retroactive support?

What about his last name? He's 5, and does know his last name (he's in kindergarten).

Should I pursue sole custody? I think I should at first. He's been gone the whole time. He can pursue joint later.

Paternity has not been legally established, but we did have a paternity test, so I will obviously not contest it or ask for another paternity test.


Honestly, my heart has snapped in two here. I know that soon enough, I'll lose my baby every other weekend and alternate holidays and all that crap. But as angry and sad as I am, I really really REALLY hope he means it this time. I don't want to explain to the boy that his father abandoned him. If he has changed his tune, this is a good thing. But man, I suppose it's possible I'll stop crying by Friday.

If your attorney has a confirmed client/attorney relationship with you, they can serve you through your attorney. If the attorney couldn't get ahold of you, they would need to respond to that affect, but that is obviously not the case here.

I don't know of too many states that would be able to get anything done before the holidays, but be prepared for anything.

Certainly request supervised visitation. I stumbled upon this site in the past: http://www.svdirectory.com/articles.htm and there are a few good resources on there.

I don't have much faith in most court appointed GALs myself, being as I feel they put children and their immediate families in too much danger that is well known to most people in abusive relationships, but seems to bypass the GALs thoughts altogether.

My attorney sent me a letter, which said she was only required to act on my behalf on a motion filed within 30 days of the date the case was dismissed. Since it's been a year, she's not my attorney anymore.

I am planning on retaining her again, though. I really like her.

Now, I am iffy about his motives. I wonder if he filed just to re-activate the case, which would mean I couldn't file to TPR based on abandonment since he filed just before the 1 year (anniversary? what's the word) of when his case was dismissed.

I will go to court with my attorney on Friday and see what is up.

I am not opposed to him being around. I do not like the man, I can't hide that. But if he's stepping up, good for him. I will work with him, because it's right. He's a jerk, but he's not really a Kelly. But I don't trust that his motives are all that good right now.

I think you are right about the TPR part. As much as they don't want to have anything to do with the child, they seem to refuse to allow their parental rights to be taken either. The courts seem to side with them.

I have been researching lately and it seems that not many abandonment based TPRs are being done for step-parent adoptions without fighting many years for it. I have seen the state step in and grant regular adoptions through abandonment after a year, just not in the case where the child already has at least one loving parent.

Well I wish you luck and hope everything works out for you in the end....

Your atty doesn't have to respond, but does that mean that since she has now informed you that she recieved service that you WERE legally served? :confused:

Definitely go for supervised visitation (at least at first).

Don't count on him recieving holiday visitation for the simple reason that I would be shocked if this could even get into court before the holidays. If you are willing (and I understand completely if you are not) you could offer him a couple of hours supervised for Christmas (or whatever holiday applies.:D ). It would look good in court (assuming he actually follows through this time) and it won't hurt anything.

Why was his last case dismissed? Is he using the same attorney? If he has had no contact with your son for two years, maybe this is not coming from him. Is it possible that his parents are looking to spend some time with their grandson and have forced him to take these actions? Have they had any contact with your son?

Also, if this is going to be an ongoing pattern for him, I think you need to seek some sort of child support order from him. If there has already been a paternity test, then he needs to start supporting his child.

Why was his last case dismissed?
It was dismissed for "want of prosecution." He filed for a determination of parentage and a decision on child support and custody/visitation. He then refused to return his lawyer's phone calls. His lawyer dropped the case. When he didn't show or have representation at the next hearing, the entire petition was dismissed.

Is he using the same attorney?
No

If he has had no contact with your son for two years, maybe this is not coming from him. Is it possible that his parents are looking to spend some time with their grandson and have forced him to take these actions?
He is the one who filed, but yes, I can see his parents "forcing" him into it.

Have they had any contact with your son?
Nope.

Also, if this is going to be an ongoing pattern for him, I think you need to seek some sort of child support order from him.
We are planning it, but I have to file that myself.

If there has already been a paternity test, then he needs to start supporting his child.
And there is where we start. There WAS a paternity test, BUT.... his petition to deternime paternity was dismissed. Hence, he is NOT the legal father. Hence, he (technically) cannot file for visitation. My attorney is going to start by asking that they refile. We will also file.

Your atty doesn't have to respond, but does that mean that since she has now informed you that she recieved service that you WERE legally served? :confused:

She says no, and she'll bring it up in open court that I wasn't notified, but basically no harm no foul. She was pretty mad about it, but at the same time, she basicaly said we'll just get moving. I agree.

Definitely go for supervised visitation (at least at first).

I will. She said I can request to be the supervisor, and it would look pretty bad for him to object. If he does, we'll go straight to mediation.

Don't count on him recieving holiday visitation for the simple reason that I would be shocked if this could even get into court before the holidays. If you are willing (and I understand completely if you are not) you could offer him a couple of hours supervised for Christmas (or whatever holiday applies.:D ). It would look good in court (assuming he actually follows through this time) and it won't hurt anything.

I asked my lawyer about this -- the Christmas part is good, but I am not comfortable putting him around any of HIS family. I think they might scare him if they are super excited. Maybe I can do an hour on Christmas Eve, meet him somewhere, but we'll see what happens on Friday.

Sounds to me like he got a case of the holiday guilt. Sort of like those people who only go to church at Christmas and Easter.

Good luck to you, it sounds like you have quite a road ahead of you. Stick with it, and don’t let him off the hook this time.

Went to court this morning. I will refer to my son's biological father as "P."


P's lawyer was there. P was not. His lawyer said "he had to work." Really? My husband had to work, but he took the morning off to stay with the baby bacuse this was IMPORTANT ENOUGH FOR ME TO ATTEND.

Some things:

I was not given notice because P gave her my last address. She said it was the address he had for me. I explained to this woman (from here on out I will be referring to his lawyer as "Box of Rocks") that gee, that's funny, the last time he took me to court, he had me served AT THE HOUSE WHERE I CURRENTLY LIVE. "Really?" Box of Rocks says. "Really," I say.

He told Box of Rocks that he signed the voluntary acknowledgement of paternity. Ummmmmm, no he didn't. I asked him to sign it. He refused. Hence, we were in court for a determination of PATERNITY. He was never legally determined to be the child's father, because his paternity suit was dropped. "Really?" Box of Rocks says. "Really," I say.

((At this point my lawyer is letting me do a lot of talking. I think she is really enjoying the show.))

I tell Box of Rocks that I am not being intentionally difficult, and I am all about working with P. But I do not have any faith that he wil follow through on this.

Box of Rocks: "Well, I don't think he would invest in a lawyer and file suit if he wasn't really serious."

Me and my lawyer in unison: "That's exactly what he did last time."

"Really?" Box of Rocks says. "Really," we recite.

My lawyer takes it a step further, as she spots at that very monment P's former attorney walking past. "There's his old attorney, he had to drop P's case." She then digs around her file to find the papers from his old attorney, and the dismissal. Box of Rocks is not pleased. Clearly her client has not been 100% truthful with her.

"Well," Box of Rocks finally says, "he feels really bad."

We are finally speechless.

So now that his lies/omissions are out of the way, we get to the nitty gritty. Box of Rocks referred to it as P's "requests," but they were demands. What is the number one demand? He wants to see the boy for Christmas.

"No," I say, with no hesitation.

Well, if he cannot see him (supervised of course), then Box of Rocks wants to know if he can at least call.

"And say what?" I ask her. "He is 5. He doesn't know who P is. You want me to put him on the phone with a total stranger on Christmas day and tell him it's his "dad" when his Dad (my husband) is standing right there." Box of Rocks looks confused.

"Well, if this can't work out, maybe we should head straight into mediation." Box of Rocks says. Now, I think she is using this as a "threat" tactic. Mediation runs anywhere between $300-$700 plus per session, and the cost is split between the parties. I am assuming she throws this out there to people who are being difficult, because they might agree to the requests (demands) rather than pay for their share of mediation. This gamble fails.

"Sure," I say.

((Now, I am not thrilled about paying for mediation. But man, just wait until P finds out he has to come up with another couple hundred dollars. Mediation payment is due UP FRONT. Money was a pretty major issue with him before.))

Still hoping to get an order for a visit before Christmas, Box of Rocks tries to convince my lawyer to set up a short date for the next status hearing. Skimming her book (and I think she was just doing it for dramatic effect), my lawyer says no. It's too close to Christmas, she cannot agree to anything before the 26th.

Then, my lawyer, her awesomeness overwhelming me, finally says to Box of Rocks, "It's unfortunate that it's the holidays, but he brought this on himself. His concern should be bonding with his son, not Christmas." I fight the urge to hug her.

When Box of Rocks walks away to phone P, my lawyer looks at me and says, "That was pretty ballsy." I *heart* my attorney.

Anyway, the way it all ends is, our next status hearing is January 3. At this time the court will set up a schedule for SUPERVISED visits. Both sides have already agreed that I will be the supervisor. Box of Rocks wanted the visits in MY HOME. I said no. The visits will be in a neutral location. That's why God invented McDonald's afterall. Between now and then, we will try and go to mediation, but it has to be a time that is available to myself and P. I told Box of Rocks that there would be NO meeting between P and my son prior to the first court ordered supervised visit unless I meet with P first and am satisfied that his request to be a part of the boy's life is legitimate this time.

I do not have to file for Child Support, because Box of Rocks amended her petition to include a finding of support payments.

So that is all for now. Is it wrong that I enjoyed it a little bit? I think P is gonna have some 'splainin to do to Box of Rocks.

Outstanding.:D

I must say that I am rather proud of you. You are willing to face reality and hope for the best for your son's relationship with his father, but at the same time, you have made it very clear that you will NOT roll over and play dead just because you have indoor plumbing.;)

(Told ya' I would be shocked if this got into court before Christmas.:) )

I agree......... outstanding!!
I rather enjoyed reading your events of the morning - you're very good at describing them... I especially like the nickname you gave his attorney!

God Bless!
Amy

Thanks for the support guys! I'll give everyone an update once we make it to mediation or the next court date, whichever comes first.

A few things after thinking about this all day...

QUESTIONS

1. What exactly is involved in "right of first refusal?" Now, I am going on the assumption that things are going to work out. I am a stay at home mom, and he is single and works full time. Do you think he could still be granted extended summer/holiday time, especially when the child is so young? I would be opposed to son spending extended summer time with dad when he would really be spending it with his grandparents, when I am only an hour down the road. Does ROFR apply during extended visitation periods? I realize that ROFR goes both ways, but seeing I am a SAHM, I'm not really worried about that.

2. We've spoken on here a LOT about courts that have ordered that the parents only refer to EACHOTHER as Mom and Dad. We've also discussed step parents and their role when it comes to discipline, etc.

My son calls my husband, his stepdad, "Dad." Now, there was an overlapping time when my husband and bio-dad were BOTH in the picture, about 1 year (starting right around the child's 2nd birthday, lasting until he was 3). During that time, my son called my husband "Dad" and bio-dad "Daddy." Bio-dad never objected to this.

During these past two years, husband is the ONLY Dad he knows.

What effect will all these things have on decisions regarding step dad's role, if any, in your opinion? Usually, steps are just expected to sit in the background. And while I know my case isn't unique, the circumstance seems (to me, but I am kind of biased) that the step parent plays a significant role in the child's life. I assume attempts to get child to stop calling husband "Dad" would be futile, especially since he didn't object in the past. Should I not A$$outofUandME this?

Yes, I realize no one knows what a judge will say.... I am just looking for informed opinions. Lots of posters don't like opinions from "you people." I love them.

3. I will be the supervisor of the visits. Do I need approval to have my husband there as well? Can he and I BOTH supervise? I think it is important (and again, I am biased) that when my son meets this other dad, he sees that it's ok, not just with me, but with his Dad. So that he KNOWS he isn't doing anything wrong by calling another man "Dad." I also strongly feel that he shouldn't be expected to call him "Dad" from the start. He's 5, and as far as he remembers, he only has one father. I HAVE discussed this with him before, but he simply is too young. Do those things sound reasonable?

JUST SOME OBSERVATIONS
((this is probably just a little venty... sorry))

1. P obviously did not inform Box of Rocks that he had filed the previous paternity suit, OR that he had representation previously. She was unaware that he had retained council before, and seemed to be unaware that this was NOT the first time in court. From when she said, he just told her that we had done a paterntiy test, and he signed the VAP (as if the paternity test had NOT been court ordered). Seriously... why did he think he could get away with this lie?

2. P's expectations about how this would turn out were grossly skewed. Box of Rocks did say that she told him that the supervised visits would likely take a few months before graduating to unsupervised "day" visits, and overnights would take quite some time. I think he honsetly thought he would see him on Christmas, and every other weekend would start within the month.

3. In his last action, P listed his home address as his parent's home. He did this because he lives with a bunch of pot smoking dudes. He agreed WITH me that the home was not suitable for visitation, and had even considered moving back in with his parents, but either way, the visits would be at his folks' house. This time, he listed the said party house as his address. I strongly beleive that he has NOT told his parents/family what he is doing. I think he may have thought he could bring the kid home as a Christmas surprise!



Sorry so long, everyone! Thanks for taking the time to read it!!!

Hi... unfortunately, I don't have enough experience with these things to answer most of your questions.

I am pretty certain that you can have whoever you want with you for support during these supervised visits, especially if they are taking place in a public place (like McDonalds).

We met my step daughters mother at a public park and took grandparents with us (hubby was in Iraq). She knew she was fortunate to have the visits, and never objected...

My sons bio-dad was in and out of life at 4-5 years old... my husband and I had just gotten married, and my son - on his own - had begun calling him "Daddy." No one asked him to or suggested it, he just began slipping it in every now and then, and eventually stuck with it.
My ex had not seen our son for several months...... so, when he finally got him around easter time for several days he was shocked to learn that his son was calling another man Daddy -- he actually scolded our son for it, and told him he only had one Daddy - him.
When my son came home, he was back to calling my husband, Tom. I knew what had happened without being told. I took my son for a walk, and gently explained that he could call Tom whatever he wanted - Tom or Dad - it was totally up to him, he had that right. He gets to choose - not either one of his Dads.
I told him he had two men who cared enough about him to be Dad to him, and he should do whatever was in his heart.

I know that some states/judges allow that to be put in court papers, that only bio parents should be called Mom or Dad........ but, when a child has a man in his life who is the DAD, the one who is always there, I firmly believe that child should get to call him whatever he wants!

In NC, I do know that my attorney said here that it was very rare for a judge to allow that to be put in the papers, because it was extreme.

btw, my ex backed down, because he made the comment to his own grandma, that his son should not call another man Daddy.......... She looked him dead in the eye and told him, "Well, son, if you want to be the one called Daddy you better start acting like one."

God Bless!
Amy

Most of these can and should be addressed as part of the mediation. Right of First Refusal can be written any way that you wish. It does not mean that any time you have to get a sitter he can come and take your son. Write it the way you want it, and if he doesn’t like it he can counter. In your case, I see nothing wrong with you asking for full and sole custody. At this point you decide how much access you want P to have to your son. Remember, the visitation schedule will be what he is entitled too. If he starts showing that his intentions are to be a part of the boy’s life, you can always allow him to take more time.

Because it has been over two years since P (I can only assume what “P” stands for) has seen his son, you should have the upper hand in mediation. But remember, in mediation it is only you, him and a neutral lawyer. Don’t leave out any details. Make sure the mediator knows the whole story. If you come into mediation with answers to most of these questions, you will be way ahead

Wonderful to hear about your day "in court". Attorney's hate to be led astray. That probably had more to do with him not showing up than anything. He didn't want to be there when his MO was revealed. Start a case, cause you stress, then disappear. Hopefully this is his plan again, just to disappear. (since you and your attorney foiled his plan for a Christmas present for his parents).

You could probably specify in the visitation arrangements that you are allowed to bring a family member (your H) but you'd probably have to allow him to bring a family member as well. I would specify family because you don't want him bringing one of his roomies.

Keep on top of that situation BTW. Now that he has officially admitted to where he is living, any police calls to that residence (or on the persons living there with him) are fair game to determine whether or not that home (and the persons living there) are suitable for a small child to frequent. (should he ever have that much follow-through after a filing).

So, mediation is complete and I asked and offered several times, but P is adamant that he will not relinquish his rights so that my husband can adopt.

So I show up in court this morning. P is sitting there, neither of our lawyers have arrived. Much to his absolute shock, I took a seat next to him.

"Are you sure you want to do this? My husband will adopt him," I say.

"Yeah," P responds.

"You can't F*** this up. You can't leave again. You can't promise him things and break it. And you cannot get in the way of him and my husband. They love eachother," I tell him.

"I know," he says.

"Ok," I say.

So... I do as my mother told me... keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Not that I consider P an "enemy," but I dont' trust him even a little bit. So I start talking.

What have you been up to, where are you working, are you dating, where are you living, how's your family...? On and on.

Hey, the fact is, I don't want to spend the next 12 years screaming at the man. Might as well be civil.

Well, my awesome atty shows up, and I tell her all this, and she says "smart thinking."

His attorney (Box of Rocks) shows up and is floored that we are talking. BUT... she is so busy with another client in another court that she ignores all three of us for a full hour.

Looking at me and my atty, it's clear that P is starting to realize that Box of Rocks is not his best choice for an atty. He even tells me that he literally saw her on the street and asked her a question, that he spoke with her for 30 seconds tops, and she charged him. I countered with how wonderful my atty is, and how there are times when I KNOW I've talked to her for an hour, but she charged me for 45 minutes. Love her!

Anyway... we finally get in court. P admits parentage. The judge asks Box of Rocks for a copy of the voluntary acknowledgement form, becuase even though there was a DNA, he wants P to sign it. Box of Rocks is confused. The judge is irritated. My lawyer wants to punch Box of Rocks in the face. Box of Rocks has to go find said form, fill it out, and P signs. P also appears to want to punch Box of Rocks in the face.

Now... at mediation, we agreed that P will be introduced to the Boy during four seperate, 1 hour long sessions with a licensed clinical counselor. P aggreed that he will be financialy responsible for this. Box of Rocks tries to remove that stipulation, but P actually stops her and says it is what he wants to do.

My brilliant attorrney also successfully gets in the order that my husband, the dreaded legal stranger step parent, be included in the sessions with the counselor. Box of Rocks also does not like this, and again, P has to explain that it is what he has agreed to.

So, these sessions will take place between now and April 22, when we report back for status. At this time, on the recommendation of the counselor, we will either continue in the counseling sessions, or we will graduate to supervised visits where I am the supervisor.

I certainly am not feeling very trusty with P, but he appeared in very good order, he even wore a tie. He appeared to be on board and looking like he wants to do the right thing. I respectfully reserve the right to make a decision about his credibility until a later date.

I am going to hope and pray that he comes through and sticks with it.

You certainly have more class than I do. In order for me to remain civil, I just decided it was best if I kept my mouth shut. I just never know what will pop out of my mouth and, when livid, have no brakes on my tongue. Trust me...people know when I am mad at them.:p

I really do hope this works out for the best. I do have to give him points for recognizing that your husband IS a huge part of your son's life and not being pissy about it.

Mom

I am glad to hear things seem to be working out. For your son’s sake, I sure hope that the bio-dad keeps up his end of the bargain. I wish you the best of luck.

Well, for the time being, it is all said and done...

We signed off on the final agreed order today.

Here are a few highlights:

I recieved sole custody.
He received EOW Saturday 9 am to Sunday 7 pm
He received Wednesday from 6-8

We will alternate holidays, with the exception that HE always has Christmas Eve and I always have Christmas day.

He gets 2 weeks in summer (not to be exercised this summer because he needs to give me 30 days notice, and school starts in less than 30 days).

He gets father's day on even numbered years (that's really what it says, his lawyer wrote it).

I get every mother's day.

He can access the boy's school records. This was a minor bone of contention, as the original document his Box of Rocks lawyer gave me REQUIRED me to furnish the school with his info and ENSURE that he was receiving all such records. I said no way. I'll tell them he can see them, but if he wants copies or to talk to the teachers, he had to initiate the contact himself. Box of Rocks was not happy with that, but he said it was fine.

If he misses a visitation, he misses it. He can call the boy during that time, but he cannot "make it up."

He didn't bother to ask for access to medical records.

At a few times, I expressed the desire to put SPECIFIC language in the order, because it was so vague, it would have been easy for me to deny him things. No seriously, Box of Rocks was worthless. If I had not looked out for a few things for him, I could have really stuck it to him pretty good. Box.Of.Rocks.

The order was finalized and taken off the court call.

We almost needed to continue it again because his lawyer dragged her feet so long. When we asked why, she told us that it was becuase he hadn't paid her. Nice.

I do have a question, not that it is a worry. If he decides that he wants JOINT custody, and refiles, would he need a compelling reason to change the sole custody order? I am just wondering.

He would need to show a significant change in circumstances before he can file for a modification.

Dear Mom,

I am glad to hear that things have been worked out. I hope all goes well.