Looking of an opinion before I take any action, I am not sure if I am on solid legal ground here. I apologize if this is long, I want to make sure I have all the details.

This being an odd year, my ex is scheduled to have the kids for Thanksgiving. I have recently learned that she now has to work on Thanksgiving, but she is still intending to send the kids be with her family. She will not be there at all. She is going to drop them off on Wednesday night, and then pick them up Sunday morning. Again, she is not going to be there for any of this time. Our agreement defines Thanksgiving as “from Wednesday after school through Sunday at 8 p.m.” So I contend that all this time is indeed her time.

Our agreement also includes a right of first refusal. It states as follows:

“Each parent shall have the right of first refusal. In other words, if a parent is not available to care for the children for more than four consecutive hours when the children are scheduled to be with that parent, then that parent shall offer the other parent the first right to care for the children or have additional time with the children before a babysitter or third party is called in to care for the children. “

There is also a line that specifies that “Holiday time takes precedence over vacation time and vacation time takes precedence over regularly scheduled parenting time.” She is using that line to indicate that she does not need to offer me the right of first refusal in this case.

I know this is now less than a week away, and I know I can not get to court that soon, but is it worth my effort to have my lawyer send her a letter expressing that I want to be able to enact my right of first refusal in this matter?

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Everything I quoted is directly from our agreement.

She won't be with them at ANY time during that whole holiday weekend?

No, she has to work. She had tried to get the time off, but she did not have enough seniority. If they go, the kids will be about 75 miles away at their grandmother’s house. It is a little over an hour away. She is just dropping them off and then picking them up after the weekend.

I do not want to sound like I am being vindictive here, because I am not. I understand that this is her year for Thanksgiving and it is her holiday time. But it is also the kid’s time to spend with her. And if she is unable to spend that time with them, I would like to. It is just my opinion, but I think the kid’s should spend Thanksgiving with one of their parents. I am not against them spending time with their grandmother and other family members. I offered to take them out there Saturday so they could still spend a night with her, but then all the other family members will not be there. My ex wants her whole family to be able to spend time with the kids. I understand this, I really do. And I apologize if I am being selfish, but I still think I should have been given the option to spend time with my kids since their mother is not able to this year.

First right of refusal is just that. It is not limited to weekend visitation only. If she is not going to spend any time with them, your FROR kicks in.


Having said that, in my opinion it would probably be best to allow them to spend the time with the family. Who's to say that she doesn't get some time that she can run up there and at least spend SOME of the time with them? You weren't planning on having them with you, anyway and it's not as if they are spending the holiday with a babysitter. Besides that, it's just good karma.:)

Legally, you are on solid footing. How you want to handle it is up to you.

Thank you for the opinion, it is appreciated. I only wish she would have approached me with the same courtesy. I only found out about it because one of the kids let it slip.

This divorce is still pretty new, and this is the first Thanksgiving that we will not all be together. I guess that is why I really feel the kids should be with one of us. If she had come to me and talked about it, I would have suggested some sort of holiday trade. Or even just trading years. But our communication is just not that good right now.

Thanks for the legal help too.

Still not sure what I am going to do.

Thank you for the opinion, it is appreciated. I only wish she would have approached me with the same courtesy. I only found out about it because one of the kids let it slip.

This divorce is still pretty new, and this is the first Thanksgiving that we will not all be together. I guess that is why I really feel the kids should be with one of us. If she had come to me and talked about it, I would have suggested some sort of holiday trade. Or even just trading years. But our communication is just not that good right now.

Thanks for the legal help too.

Still not sure what I am going to do.

I completely understand your feelings and as this divorce is recent, I now am more inclined to agree with you. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I completely understand your feelings and as this divorce is recent, I now am more inclined to agree with you. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

If this is the first thanksgiving since the divorce, may I recommend that you guys just swap holidays?

In other words, you take this Thanksgiving and she gets the next one.

The first year after a divorce the kids are already going to feel abandoned... at least one parent should be around.

Failing that... ask the outlaws if you can sit down to dinner with the kids. I know that may sting worse than a butt zit, but the kids are worth it.

Thank you for all the good advice, it was actually quite helpful.

Since I was getting nowhere with the ex, I decided to contact her mother and explain the situation to her. She was actually very understanding. I will be taking the kids to dinner with me this Thanksgiving, and I will be taking the kids out to visit her Saturday morning. My former sister-in-law will also be spending the weekend at her mothers so that all the kids can get together for a couple of days. I have not been able to talk to the ex-wife yet, but I understand via a text message that she is very unhappy with me right now. Once things calm down a bit, I will then offer to give up my Thanksgiving next year, IF she can spend that time with the kids.

After reading the responses here, I did contact my lawyer, and he did confirm that she should have offered me that time since she was not going to be with the kids. He will be sending off a letter stating that in the future any holiday time that she is unable to spend with the kids needs to be offered to me first, before she makes arrangements with other family members.

That is a very nice way to handle this situation.

Don't worry too much about how unhappy she is with you. It's not your job to keep each other happy, anymore. The only thing y'all need to co-focus on is the Munchkins.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving and give thanks that your former in-laws are so rational. :p

It actually turned into a really good conversation. I realized that they were not angry with me, and she actually expressed that she missed seeing me around. I agreed to keep in contact, and she offered to sit for me anytime I found myself in a jam. I have not had a chance to talk with my former sister-in-law, but I am hoping to touch base with her sometime before this weekend.

Thanks again.

There is nothing that says you can't be on good terms with the outlaws.

By the way... when you drop the kids off on Saturday, make sure that you mention to them that they are welcome to come to your house for Christmas/Kwanza/Han/Whatever to see the children then, too.

Grandparents care about grandkids. Grandkids care about grandparents. Unless there is a really compelling reason to keep them apart, welcome both sets into your home whenever possible. As long as it doesn't turn ugly, the kids will feel that the love they always felt is still there... even though mom and dad aren't together anymore.

Strangely enough, when kids see adults acting like adults, they go through the divorce process a lot better.

So how did things go?

It went very well, thank you. When I dropped them off on Saturday, I ended up staying for a few hours. It was a nice visit, and other than a few awkward moments, it was nice to talk to them again. Nobody said anything, but there was a general understanding that we were just not going to talk about the divorce. Since my ex does not know yet what her Christmas schedule is, I offered to take the kids out to see them on Christmas Eve if my ex can not make it. This year she is supposed to have Christmas Eve and I would have Christmas Day.

The only snag in the whole weekend was that I let myself get suckered into an argument with the ex. I had been doing so well with ignoring her jabs or hanging up once the fireworks started, but she was in rare form, and I took the bate.

You are only human.

However, you are no longer married. That means that you no longer have to pay her emotional bar tab.

If she wants to fight, let her. But let her fight with someone else.