I was chastised for typing my post on another thread........ forgive me...... I'm new to the forum, and unfamiliar with it.... just in need of help and advice and found your forum due to a search I typed in & the post which I apparently "hijacked," which was on the same topic as my own.
I apologize for whatever harm I caused in posting where I shouldn't have...

Here's my actual post, for anyone who has any advice to offer...


I found your site by doing a search of step parent adoption and was led to this post... I'm trying to learn more about how to pursue adoption, and what steps are involved. How complicated will it be?

I have two separate situations.
The first is probably not too difficult, but I don't know where to begin and need to keep costs to a minimum.
I would like to adopt my step daughter. Her bio-mom is in prison FOR abusing her, and has been ordered to never contact her again. So, getting a judge to approve officially terminating her rights should not be hard. But what are the steps? Can I do this without an attorney?
And, once her rights are terminated officially, then what?
My daughter is now 14. The first 9 1/2 years of her life were filled with abuse and neglect. She and I have talked about adoption and she wants it. My husband and I both feel it would be just another step in her healing process to show her how much I want to be her mom in every way.

The second situation is more complicated...
My husband would like to adopt MY son from a previous marriage. He is now 11 years old.
Two years ago, I would not have even considered trying - his bio-dad would never have agreed, and I would not put my son through a court battle (even though he expressed to me he wanted to have "our" last name instead of his bio-dads ---- he brought the subject up, not me). At the time, I told him that it was up to his dad, he would have to get his permission.

My ex has for the last 9 years of his life been off and on with visitation. He will get him one weekend and then not hear from him for two months. Then he'll get him for two weekends in a row and then we won't hear from him for 3 months..... etc.
I moved closer to him two years ago - making visitation easier - yet it did not improve.
During my current husbands deployment with the National Guard (to Iraq) you would have thought his dad would have "stepped up" and been there. We heard from him ONE time that entire year.

Child support has been current and up to date for about 6 years - taken out of his check --------- until 3 months ago when he lost his job. Now it has stopped completely.

My ex has recently been suicidal, his marriage has been on-again, off-again. I haven't heard from him in 3 months. Not one phone call. The last time my son was at his house, he and his wife had a screaming match for two hours and left my son in a bedroom with his two younger/half siblings for those two hours ----- and he didn't bring him home that night like he was supposed to - not until the next day.

I have never called the police on him. I have never sued him for anything. I've never even attempted to modify his child support in over 9 years. I just wanted to get along.

My son has emotional problems. He's been seeing a counselor for years. He has abandonment issues (imagine that) and tremendous fears due to some neglect issues while with Dad for visitation (long story).

If my ex says he will not agree to the adoption willingly, what can I do? How hard will it be?

Any advice that anyone can give me on either situation would be great. I am pretty clueless about the law and don't want to go into this blind.

Thanks, and God Bless!
Amy in North Carolina

Amy, you need a lawyer.

This is not a do-it-yourself project.

Amy, you need a lawyer.

This is not a do-it-yourself project.

I am figuring the case with my son & husband is too much for me...

But, what about the situation with my step daughter (where her mother is in jail)? Could I do some or all of that myself? There shouldn't be anyone contesting obviously... I had hoped I could have that one done without spending money that I do not have.

I'm not even sure I want to tackle my sons case - it's just a tough situation that is looming over us.

But, my daughter and I are ready, and we shouldn't have anything standing in our way. I am just unsure of where to start?

Thanks!
Amy

You will still want an atty to handle this for you with the daughter. The mother's rights will have to be terminated, either voluntarily or by the court. Being ordered to have no contact is not the same as termiation of parental rights. It doesn't seem that it will be too hard, but I personally know of another poster here that is going through much the same thing. It's been very difficult.

Once TPR is complete, then the adoption should be a piece of cake, especially as she is 14 and agrees.

With your son, at this point, it is VERY unlikely that the court would order TPR. If your ex agrees, great...no problem. But if he doesn't, it's not going to happen.

He has had recent contact with y'all's son and he has been paying support. 3 months is not nearly long enough to establish a case of abandonment. It would be a long, expensive and ulitmately unsuccessful court battle.

by all means- get an atty. An adoption is not something to do without one. You will have to have her rights terminated and it can be very VERY hard if she doesn't consent- trust me, we're going thru it now

I believe that social services may help us with filing for termination of her rights. I am going to check into that first. North Carolina Child Support Enforcement is linked to Social Services. I learned recently that if you pay a $25 fee, they will assist you with court cases relating to issues with your child. Her mother was under court ordered child support when she went to prison, and that has now been suspended.

I am going to find out if they may help with this termination first. I do not believe it will be complicated to terminate her bio-mothers rights. If she contests it, I don't think we need to worry.... She was convicted of sexually abusing her own daughter, and ordered by the court to have no contact with her - even when she is an adult - that any contact must be initiated by our daughter. I can't see a judge denying our request based on her contesting it.... and I will get help from others more knowledgeable than myself if Social Services doesn't help us.

Then, I will see an attorney about having the adoption papers drawn up when it is simple for him/her and costs me less hopefully.

As for my sons case....... I'm not going to do anything..... just wishing I could.

God Bless & thank you all for your advice. If nothing else, I learned that I need to be prepared for a lot of red tape...

God Bless!
Amy

Amy,

In some ways your situation may seem simple, but laws and rules and courts and exes have ways of throwing snags into even the simplest situations. Unless you are REALLY up on current laws, you will need to be advised by an attorney.

As far as DSS and the $25 fee ... from what I understand, it is geared toward Child Support matters ... not adoption, but I could have only been given the information that was pertinent to my job.

Whatever route you take good luck ... it isn't an easy road, but the final stop, for me anyway, has been well worth the ride.