Don
11-21-2004, 06:35 AM
I will try to keep it short but it is a long story.
I have been married for 25 years and have two daughters 21 and 23
years of age. Since leaving South Africa for the UK in 1985, we have
moved around the world as a family quite a bit, mainly as a result of
my job. Over the last 8 years, in an effort to provide stability to my
girls during their high school years I have been working away from the
family mainly in the Middle East, while they remained in the UK. This
has been difficult for both of us, but the simple truth of it is that
there is no work for me in the area that we lived in the UK.
The family never really settled in the UK and the possibility of
moving permanently to North America or Australasia was always high on
the discussion list but never materialized for a number of reasons,
mainly financial. Three and a half years ago, this changed. While
working in the Middle East I was made an offer by a Canadian company
to work for them in Canada. I discussed this over the phone with my
wife and daughters and they showed interest. I was very keen because
it represented a chance to settle down in a normal country and
actually start to live a normal life again with the family. My skills
are in high demand in the area of Canada where we would be living, so
I would not need to be separated from the family for months at a time.
Once I had confirmation that the offer was final I left my job in
Saudi and returned to the UK to wait for the work visa to be
processed.
While waiting form the visa, my wife started to express concerns about
going to Canada. We discussed it and I managed to convince her that it
could only offer better prospects than we had experienced for years,
and that we should give it a try. At that stage the visa would allow
the entire family to live with me in Canada indefinately (for the
validity of the visa)but would only allow me to work. This was not a
concern because my wife had always indicated that she was not happy in
her job and would like to retrain, and the inability to work for a
while would give her this option. In the meantime I could be
processing a full immigration package for the family. My daughters
were not desperate to go at that stage because they were studying and
had boyfriends at the time. There was also no accommodation problems
for the girls because they could live with their grandmother.
Once the visa came through however my wife became even more hesitant
about the move. I on the other hand became more convinced that this
was the best way forward. We agreed that I should go, and that I would
spend my vacations in the UK and my wife would split her time between
the UK and Canada to "test the water". The immigration process took a
lot longer than anticipated because of a number of reasons. The longer
I spent in Canada the more I became convinced that this was where my
future lay. My wife on the other hand became more and more negative
about the situation. After about 2 years of spending most of my time
alone in Canada (except for the comparatively short visits both ways
totaling approximately 6 weeks together per year) I began to feel that
our life goals were starting to drift apart. At this stage(after being
in Canada for 2 years), I met someone in Canada and had an affair. I
did not go looking for it but it happened. It also opened my eyes. I
met someone that I was extremely compatible with in almost any way I
can describe. It was more than a casual fling, I fell in love. It was
amazing while it was happening but I could not get over the guilt. Six
months after the affair began, I realized that my marriage was in
extreme jeopardy. I had met someone, fallen in love in a country I
wanted to be in and had a spouse that seemed to want a different life
path in a country that I did not want to be in. It was difficult but
decided to try and pull the marriage together. I asked my new company
for another middle east posting, thinking that the separation from my
new love in Canada would enable my old love to rejuvenate. I was
offered a married position in Bahrain.
When I took the posting I was hopeful that I could buy time for the
Canada option while we could rebuild our marriage in a neutral
country. Again however my wife would not join me except for very brief
visits. After about six months in the new job I again became
despondent about our future and contacted my Canadian girlfriend
again. It was as if nothing had changed. The relationship (over phone
and email) just seemed to get better and better. I honestly started to
see light at the end of the tunnel, I felt that my destiny was going
to be in Canada but with my new partner. Then my world was turned on
its head.
Three months ago our permanent residence visas for Canada were issued,
and all of a sudden the entire family are desperate to move to Canada
as soon as possible. I was faced with a huge dilemma. On the one hand
I found my wife's change in heart to be great but on the other hand I
found it hard to understand and believe considering the negativity
that she had shown for the previous 3 years. I was very scared that
she would just change her mind again at the last minute. I also had
someone I loved in Canada that I would have to reject on the basis of
a decision that I did not understand.
This issue has been tearing me apart for ages. Last week my wife came
over to Bahrain for a visit and I told her the whole story. I am not
sure if I should have because it has caused a lot of pain. At the
moment we are in a state of flux. She has asked if I want her in
Canada and I have said yes, but to be honest I am not sure but find it
extremely difficult to say no. I honestly believe I would be happier
with my new partner but understand that this is not only about me. She
has said that she will come but wants me to be positive about our
future, which I am finding it very difficult to do. I would like to be
happy in my marriage in a new country but I am scared that the way
that I have treated her with my affair and the way she has treated me
with her absence has left a lot of damage. I am also reluctant to lose
contact with my Canadian girlfriend because we are so compatible, and
I don't have confidence in my current marriage in what will be very
difficult times. It is also very difficult because my daughters both
want to go to Canada so if I split from my wife I feel I am also
taking her daughters away from her.
I know this is a long post, but would appreciate comments/advice from
people. Divorce is something very alien to me, but is it
possible/probable that this marriage can survive?
A
I have been married for 25 years and have two daughters 21 and 23
years of age. Since leaving South Africa for the UK in 1985, we have
moved around the world as a family quite a bit, mainly as a result of
my job. Over the last 8 years, in an effort to provide stability to my
girls during their high school years I have been working away from the
family mainly in the Middle East, while they remained in the UK. This
has been difficult for both of us, but the simple truth of it is that
there is no work for me in the area that we lived in the UK.
The family never really settled in the UK and the possibility of
moving permanently to North America or Australasia was always high on
the discussion list but never materialized for a number of reasons,
mainly financial. Three and a half years ago, this changed. While
working in the Middle East I was made an offer by a Canadian company
to work for them in Canada. I discussed this over the phone with my
wife and daughters and they showed interest. I was very keen because
it represented a chance to settle down in a normal country and
actually start to live a normal life again with the family. My skills
are in high demand in the area of Canada where we would be living, so
I would not need to be separated from the family for months at a time.
Once I had confirmation that the offer was final I left my job in
Saudi and returned to the UK to wait for the work visa to be
processed.
While waiting form the visa, my wife started to express concerns about
going to Canada. We discussed it and I managed to convince her that it
could only offer better prospects than we had experienced for years,
and that we should give it a try. At that stage the visa would allow
the entire family to live with me in Canada indefinately (for the
validity of the visa)but would only allow me to work. This was not a
concern because my wife had always indicated that she was not happy in
her job and would like to retrain, and the inability to work for a
while would give her this option. In the meantime I could be
processing a full immigration package for the family. My daughters
were not desperate to go at that stage because they were studying and
had boyfriends at the time. There was also no accommodation problems
for the girls because they could live with their grandmother.
Once the visa came through however my wife became even more hesitant
about the move. I on the other hand became more convinced that this
was the best way forward. We agreed that I should go, and that I would
spend my vacations in the UK and my wife would split her time between
the UK and Canada to "test the water". The immigration process took a
lot longer than anticipated because of a number of reasons. The longer
I spent in Canada the more I became convinced that this was where my
future lay. My wife on the other hand became more and more negative
about the situation. After about 2 years of spending most of my time
alone in Canada (except for the comparatively short visits both ways
totaling approximately 6 weeks together per year) I began to feel that
our life goals were starting to drift apart. At this stage(after being
in Canada for 2 years), I met someone in Canada and had an affair. I
did not go looking for it but it happened. It also opened my eyes. I
met someone that I was extremely compatible with in almost any way I
can describe. It was more than a casual fling, I fell in love. It was
amazing while it was happening but I could not get over the guilt. Six
months after the affair began, I realized that my marriage was in
extreme jeopardy. I had met someone, fallen in love in a country I
wanted to be in and had a spouse that seemed to want a different life
path in a country that I did not want to be in. It was difficult but
decided to try and pull the marriage together. I asked my new company
for another middle east posting, thinking that the separation from my
new love in Canada would enable my old love to rejuvenate. I was
offered a married position in Bahrain.
When I took the posting I was hopeful that I could buy time for the
Canada option while we could rebuild our marriage in a neutral
country. Again however my wife would not join me except for very brief
visits. After about six months in the new job I again became
despondent about our future and contacted my Canadian girlfriend
again. It was as if nothing had changed. The relationship (over phone
and email) just seemed to get better and better. I honestly started to
see light at the end of the tunnel, I felt that my destiny was going
to be in Canada but with my new partner. Then my world was turned on
its head.
Three months ago our permanent residence visas for Canada were issued,
and all of a sudden the entire family are desperate to move to Canada
as soon as possible. I was faced with a huge dilemma. On the one hand
I found my wife's change in heart to be great but on the other hand I
found it hard to understand and believe considering the negativity
that she had shown for the previous 3 years. I was very scared that
she would just change her mind again at the last minute. I also had
someone I loved in Canada that I would have to reject on the basis of
a decision that I did not understand.
This issue has been tearing me apart for ages. Last week my wife came
over to Bahrain for a visit and I told her the whole story. I am not
sure if I should have because it has caused a lot of pain. At the
moment we are in a state of flux. She has asked if I want her in
Canada and I have said yes, but to be honest I am not sure but find it
extremely difficult to say no. I honestly believe I would be happier
with my new partner but understand that this is not only about me. She
has said that she will come but wants me to be positive about our
future, which I am finding it very difficult to do. I would like to be
happy in my marriage in a new country but I am scared that the way
that I have treated her with my affair and the way she has treated me
with her absence has left a lot of damage. I am also reluctant to lose
contact with my Canadian girlfriend because we are so compatible, and
I don't have confidence in my current marriage in what will be very
difficult times. It is also very difficult because my daughters both
want to go to Canada so if I split from my wife I feel I am also
taking her daughters away from her.
I know this is a long post, but would appreciate comments/advice from
people. Divorce is something very alien to me, but is it
possible/probable that this marriage can survive?
A
