Quick question. If it isn't spelled out in a custody agreement who is responsible for transporting the child to and from visitation, are there general guidelines?

My husband would like to take the stance that he will pick his daughter up from the CP for his visitation and that the CP will pick her up after the visitation. However, if she refuses to come pick her up and if he does not take her home, what would happen?

Quick question. If it isn't spelled out in a custody agreement who is responsible for transporting the child to and from visitation, are there general guidelines?

My husband would like to take the stance that he will pick his daughter up from the CP for his visitation and that the CP will pick her up after the visitation. However, if she refuses to come pick her up and if he does not take her home, what would happen?

Where does the CP live? How far away from you?

If the child isn't home when she is due to be home, your hubby would be in contempt.

Not very far away. 15 minutes or so.

It's more the principle of the matter in his mind. Why should he be solely responsible for transportation? But I was concerned about contempt. It wouldn't be worth that for him to try to make a point with her (as much as I agree with the point he's trying to make).

Not very far away. 15 minutes or so.

It's more the principle of the matter in his mind. Why should he be solely responsible for transportation? But I was concerned about contempt. It wouldn't be worth that for him to try to make a point with her (as much as I agree with the point he's trying to make).

The way it was explained to me by my lawyer is that he is soley responsible for the transportation because it is HIS time to be with the child. My lawyer told me that I would not be responsible for travel with my child durng visition, and his bio-Dad lives about an hour away. Of course, he has disappeared and never contacts the child, so the travel issue is moot, but I digress...

If the travel presents an undue hardship on him (like he has to travel 3 hours to get her), then that is a different story. But when it comes to picking your battles, tell him to walk away from this one. Sometimes, doing something "on principle" is extremely unwise.

I agree that he should pick his battles and this should not be one of them.

I agree that he should pick his battles and this should not be one of them.

However, I strongly disagree that the NCP should be solely responsible for transportation because it is HIS time to be with his child. When the child is due to go back to the CP's house, that is HER time to be with the child so why shouldn't she be responsible for the transportation?

It seems like in a lot of matters, there is really an unfairness to the NCP. And I know some of you will talk about CPs who get no child support and NCPs who never exercise visitation, etc. but that's not what I'm talking about. For an NCP who does everything right (pays for everything completely on time, exercises every possible visitation, etc.), there is a bias in fairness toward the CP.

I think I agree with you in theory (like I said, my son's bio-Dad disappeared, so who knows what my opinion would be if there was visitation at all). But I think the thought is that it is not the custodial parent's "time" after the visitaiton. The entire visitation belongs to the NCP. During that time, s/he can take the child pretty much anyplace (as long as it isn't out of the country generally). But the child does not live with the NCP. Therefore, it is his or her job to pick up the child from their residence, and to return them safely to their residence. That is part of spending time with them.

It's got nothing to do with whether the NCP is a good parent doing avery thing right. I think the CP would generally think, big whoop, you pay your support on time and exercise visitation. That's your job. You don't get any special acknowledgement or privlidges for it.

I think if my son's bio-Dad had stuck around, I would not want to split the travel either. I would probably think, you know what... I am the one who wakes up early and takes him to school. I am the one who bathes and feeds and shelters him. I pick him up. I take him to camp. I take him to practice. I read to him. I nurse his wounds. I comfort him when he is scared. Day in and day out. The other parent gets every other weekend, and he's going to complain that it is too much to drop the child off? The least he can do is transport the child back home. What is so hard about that? Are you so busy that the 15 minute drive to take the kid home is just too much for you?

Those are probably the types of things the mother is thinking. And while you and your husband have very valid points, the other viewpoint is equally as valid. Like I said, pick your battles.

I agree that he should pick his battles and this should not be one of them.

Why did you edit that? You have a valid point, but like I said, there is also a valid counterpoint.

I edited it because I thought it came across as argumentative and bitter and I just decided it wasn't important to say. But I will respond to what you said.

My husband would look at it as: You are the one who gets to wake up early and take him to school. You are the one who gets to bathe and feed and shelter him. You get to pick him up. You get to take him to camp. You get to take him to practice. You get to read to him. You get to nurse his wounds. You get to comfort him when he is scared. Day in and day out.

And my husband would give anything to get to spend more time with his daughter doing anything. But because he tried to do the right thing at the time of the divorce by not fighting for custody because he thought it would be bad for his daughter and because he thought he and the CP could work together and that she would want him to spend as much time as possible with his daughter, he is now stuck with seeing his daughter every other weekend and Wednesday evenings only. Not because he was a bad parent or did anything wrong. Not because the CP is a better parent. But yet he's treated as if it's a big privilege to get to see his daughter and he has to jump through hoops to get to see her. Not that 15 minutes of transportation is a major hoop BUT he and the CP share equal responsibility for being in a situation of sharing custody of their child so why should they not share equal responsibility of making that sharing of custody happen. And not that he will ever let that keep him from exercising his visitation. It just feels like he's a 2nd class parent.

I see your point, but as the counterpoint, I would ask, how does he say on one hand he wants to spend as much time as possible with her, but on the other hand, dropping her off at the end of the visit is too much of a hassle?

I would say that since he decided it was easier to agree to her terms than to fight for a full or 50/50 custody agreement, then he needs to just accept the consequences. You really cannot agree to do something, then turn around and complain how unfair it is. If it was that unfair, he should naver have agreed in the first place.

Like I said, both sides have a valid point. If they live so close, why not petition for shared (50/50) custody? The worst that can happen is he won't win and the arrangement won't change at all.

i drive 120 miles 1 way every other weekend plus for any special occasions, parent teacher conferences, recitals, etc. That is a minimum of 960 miles in a month based on 2 up and back trips to get them and take them home 2x a month.
So, I say tell him to drop the 15 min battle

I see your point, but as the counterpoint, I would ask, how does he say on one hand he wants to spend as much time as possible with her, but on the other hand, dropping her off at the end of the visit is too much of a hassle?

I would say that since he decided it was easier to agree to her terms than to fight for a full or 50/50 custody agreement, then he needs to just accept the consequences. You really cannot agree to do something, then turn around and complain how unfair it is. If it was that unfair, he should naver have agreed in the first place.

Like I said, both sides have a valid point. If they live so close, why not petition for shared (50/50) custody? The worst that can happen is he won't win and the arrangement won't change at all.

It's not that it's too much of a hassle or that he would ever let that keep him from having his visitation, he's just sick of dealing with the CP and her unwillingness to work with him. And taking his daughter home does not get him any extra time with her (he drops her off at 5:30 or the CP picks her up at 5:30).

Yes, he did agree to the custody arrangement and he does have to live with it now. But he agreed to it with expectations that have not played out. He expected the CP to be a good parent and to act with their daughter's best interests at heart and to embrace the role that he as her father should play in her life.

We went and talked to a lawyer about petitioning for shared custody and were told basically that unless the child is being abused or the CP is using drugs in front of the child or driving intoxicated with the child in the car, etc. my husband would have very little chance of getting shared custody. The lawyer described it as both parents being on level playing field when the custody agreement is first being established but that after it's established the NCP has a huge hurdle to jump in order to modify custody.

The atty is correct. Unless there is a substantial change in the child's living conditions, the court will see little or no reason to modify an order that was perfectly acceptable when it was established.

I understand your husband's wish to make a point. However, this point is not the hill he wants to die on. It really won't mean anything. The only thing it will get him is 15 minutes at home with the child while waiting for her to get there. Further, he runs the "risk" of more animosity when she starts showing up 5 or 10 minutes early. While he will most definitely not be obligated to let her take the child early, how pleasant does he think it will be to deal with the petty issues?

In the long run, he needs to let the little things go and focus on the important issues. As a matter of fact, he needs to prepare to adopt that philosophy for when the kiddo becomes a teen. :D