I'm sorry for posting out of the thread. Just too impatient to wait
for Google to catch up!

I wanted to say that I *strongly* warn against his wife being the
third-party for visitation swaps! Maybe in the future, but right now?
Are you crazy????

She has every motivation to view your daughter as the problem here!!!
If it were me, I would not be able to relax knowing my daughter is
alone with her, even for a short car ride to visit her dad. You simply
have no way of knowing what sort of hostile emotions this woman is
going to have towards your daugther. Not to mention that it strikes me
as a bit cruel, insensitive, and naive to expect his wife to be a
saint about this and help out!! No doubt she's pissed as hell over the
impact your daughter's existence is causing her marriage.

Just send the no-nonsense letter proposing a third party. Don't
mention the wife. If they suggest it, then you can consider it
(although I still wouldn't be comfortable with it if it were me). Your
letter will send a strong message to his wife that you want nothing
further to do with her husband. That might ease things with her, but
you really have no control over her feelings, which are likely all
over the map right now. Don't complicate her situation, don't press
her to rise above her emotions. She's got way too much on her own
plate now. Give her plenty of space so she can concentrate on fixing
her marriage and getting it to a healthier place. Your daughter and
encouraging her relationship with her father is her *last* concern.
Frankly, it may never become a priority for her.

jen

shinypenny0001@yahoo.com (shinypenny) shared:
I wanted to say that I *strongly* warn against his wife being thethird-party for visitation swaps! Maybe in the future, but right now?Are you crazy????She has every motivation to view your daughter as the problem here!!!If it were me, I would not be able to relax knowing my daughter isalone with her, even for a short car ride to visit her dad. You simplyhave no way of knowing what sort of hostile emotions this woman isgoing to have towards your daugther. Not to mention that it strikes meas a bit cruel, insensitive, and naive to expect his wife to be asaint about this and help out!! No doubt she's pissed as hell over theimpact your daughter's existence is causing her marriage.

Yep, you're right ... bad idea. It wouldn't be if she suggested it or
volunteered. But you're right, it's putting too much on her.

The only way that I'd be comfortable with it is if she and I were to
sit down and talk. I'd have to get to know her a bit and judge from
there if I think she's a threat to DD.
Just send the no-nonsense letter proposing a third party. Don't

I don't really have anyone that I'd want to burden with this if he
turns into an ***.

How's this for an idea? He lives only a couple of miles from his
mother. What about suggesting her with the understanding that I get
to meet her, talk to her, and then make a final decision?

I think it's probably that or the court supervisor. My mother lives
40 east of me (not that many miles, it's just kind of out of the way).
I don't have other relatives any closer, and as stated, I'd rather not
put a friend in the middle of my pile of ****.

I think I'll send an email asking when this week we can sign the
paternity papers and to send a 'warning over the bow' of the
inappropriate behaviour. Thoughts?

I'm drafting the letter now. I'll take it to the attorney for review
when it's finished.

If he drags his feet about signing the papers and/or gets stupid over
me calling him on the boundary violation, I'll file the suit without
him and have the attorney add stipulations to child support (at the
amount that he's paying) and visitation (2 non-contiguous days, 4-6
hours per day).

I guess, my biggest concern with this is he *really* hates it when I
go into 'business' mode. And, no, I'm not really concerned about his
feelings ... just any stupid **** he might decide to pull. I don't
think he would ... but, well, I've been wrong about a lot of stuff
here, and you hear about violence from situations just like this on
the news or in the paper fairly regularly.

I already changed the locks. Any other suggestions?

mention the wife. If they suggest it, then you can consider it(although I still wouldn't be comfortable with it if it were me). Yourletter will send a strong message to his wife that you want nothingfurther to do with her husband. That might ease things with her, butyou really have no control over her feelings, which are likely allover the map right now. Don't complicate her situation, don't pressher to rise above her emotions. She's got way too much on her ownplate now. Give her plenty of space so she can concentrate on fixingher marriage and getting it to a healthier place. Your daughter andencouraging her relationship with her father is her *last* concern.Frankly, it may never become a priority for her.

Agreed

--
Paula

"We're sculpted from youth, the chipping away makes me weary
And as for the truth it seems like we just pick a theory"
Deconstuction - Indigo Girls

Paula <luvnmom627@NOBS_hotmail.com> shared:
I think it's probably that or the court supervisor. My mother lives40 east of me (not that many miles, it's just kind of out of the way).I don't have other relatives any closer, and as stated, I'd rather notput a friend in the middle of my pile of ****.

Doh, that should say 40 minutes, and I meant to add that he lives
about 15 miles west.

Wow, I think I need to put my glasses back on :)

--
Paula

"We're sculpted from youth, the chipping away makes me weary
And as for the truth it seems like we just pick a theory"
Deconstuction - Indigo Girls

Paula wrote:
How's this for an idea? He lives only a couple of miles from his mother. What about suggesting her with the understanding that I get to meet her, talk to her, and then make a final decision?

I rather like this compromise if his mother is willing. Odds are that she
will want to her son to be involved in his daughter's life, plus it might
help if your daughter builds a relationship with her grandmother. I'm sure I
would want to if I was the grandmother (not that that means much!) Depending
on the circumstances and looking at the best possible outcome she may have a
home where it's possible for all the children to visit, too, in a
comfortable environment.

I think it's probably that or the court supervisor. My mother lives 40 east of me (not that many miles, it's just kind of out of the way). I don't have other relatives any closer, and as stated, I'd rather not put a friend in the middle of my pile of ****. I think I'll send an email asking when this week we can sign the paternity papers and to send a 'warning over the bow' of the inappropriate behaviour. Thoughts?

He doesn't have any particular reason to help you get over him so
concentrating on the formal aspects of your 'new' relationship may help. I
think that's a good idea, anyway, for your own protection and for your
daughter's.
I'm drafting the letter now. I'll take it to the attorney for review when it's finished. If he drags his feet about signing the papers and/or gets stupid over me calling him on the boundary violation, I'll file the suit without him and have the attorney add stipulations to child support (at the amount that he's paying) and visitation (2 non-contiguous days, 4-6 hours per day). I guess, my biggest concern with this is he *really* hates it when I go into 'business' mode.

What does he do?
And, no, I'm not really concerned about his feelings ... just any stupid **** he might decide to pull. I don't think he would ... but, well, I've been wrong about a lot of stuff here, and you hear about violence from situations just like this on the news or in the paper fairly regularly. I already changed the locks. Any other suggestions?

Well, you've already said a third party is difficult for you to arrange. Do
you have a neighbour who'd be willing to keep and eye open (ear out) when he
comes to see you? Someone you could have on hand at short notice? Unless you
can get him to agree not to come to your home, at all, and you meet
somewhere in public.

Tai