I have never posted before but really need to reach out to somebody.
My wife just ended a brief (~3 month) affair and we are trying to get
past it, but there seem to be more obstacles popping up every day.

Here's the history (brief as I coud, sorry):

We met, fell madly in love and got married.

We had two children in our first three years, had no money and worked
hard together to build a family, get a house, etc. All the while, the
love and sweetness was always, always there.

We had 9 1/2 very happy years together and things were finally getting
smooth as I was making good money, we improved our house, the kids are
both getting older and into all day school. The happiness is
evidencedx not only from mutual conversations and the memories of all
the laughter and sweetness but also by letters and cards from as
recently as last Christmas (2003) saying things like "I'm so glad
we're still best friends" and "I'm so happy I found my soulmate".

In January of this year (2004) my job became very demanding and I
ended up having to spend about 3 months in Maine (about 4 days a week,
weekends home). Things became strained during this time because we
were apart more than ever and totally exhausted on the weekends. It
was during this time that she got depressed and got into her affair.
It was about two weeks ago that she ended it after I confronted her.

I never got angry. I have shown nothing but love through the whole
thing. I acknowledged that it was both of our faults for getting lost
during that time and that she just made a mistake; a bad choice made
in desperation and then couldn't stop it until I finally confronted
her and threatened divorce (it was no threat, I prepared myself
financially, emotionally, etc. after confronting her a week before
that and then knowing it was still going on even in light of me
knowing it).

Now she is back and we have been here together for a couple weeks.
Things are certainly better as she was very mean and uncaring while it
was going on which I understand to be typical of anyone having an
affair. We have been amicable, but there is a lot going on in her head
and mine. However, I do truly love her and she says she does me too.
We have always been very close, some might even say we had the perfect
marriage. At first, we talked a lot and we seemed to come to an
agreement about what happened as being a matter of too much alone time
too fast and things just spiraled out of control.

However, I have tried hard to reach out to her for the past couple
weeks and she's still not there for me. I am tired of suffering and
more tired of seeing her suffer. We know how to love each other and I
know it would help me heal to be able to be close to her; hugging,
holding, kissing, etc. She still seems cold to all of that though. Now
that we've gotten through the first couple weeks, she is saying that
we did have problems before and she's scared to let herself be close
to me for fear that I am going to wait for her to be comfortable again
and then throw this in her face or make her pay in some way. I am
certainly not feeling that way and have not demonstrated any action
now or in the past that would lead her to that conclusion.

I guess my question to the group is "Is this normal?". Has anyone been
through a similar situation? Any advice? I feel like the hard part
should have been me getting over it, but I have and I just want the
love of my life back. Now though it seems it's harder for her to get
over it than me. She says it's not like a light switch that she can
just turn back on, but I am living the same experience and I beg to
differ. The hurting is over, we have forgiven each other and I want to
make things fell right. But how can I do that when it's only me that's
in it?

Please help me understand this. Thanks,

Dan

She stepped outside your marriage for a reason.. that "reason" is still
there....you need to fix that..before you can really move past it..

I suggest marriage counseling ..

Kass


"Dan" <danoh3@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:5dc1aa0.0405061726.4681ee4c@posting.google.co m... I have never posted before but really need to reach out to somebody. My wife just ended a brief (~3 month) affair and we are trying to get past it, but there seem to be more obstacles popping up every day. Here's the history (brief as I coud, sorry): We met, fell madly in love and got married. We had two children in our first three years, had no money and worked hard together to build a family, get a house, etc. All the while, the love and sweetness was always, always there. We had 9 1/2 very happy years together and things were finally getting smooth as I was making good money, we improved our house, the kids are both getting older and into all day school. The happiness is evidencedx not only from mutual conversations and the memories of all the laughter and sweetness but also by letters and cards from as recently as last Christmas (2003) saying things like "I'm so glad we're still best friends" and "I'm so happy I found my soulmate". In January of this year (2004) my job became very demanding and I ended up having to spend about 3 months in Maine (about 4 days a week, weekends home). Things became strained during this time because we were apart more than ever and totally exhausted on the weekends. It was during this time that she got depressed and got into her affair. It was about two weeks ago that she ended it after I confronted her. I never got angry. I have shown nothing but love through the whole thing. I acknowledged that it was both of our faults for getting lost during that time and that she just made a mistake; a bad choice made in desperation and then couldn't stop it until I finally confronted her and threatened divorce (it was no threat, I prepared myself financially, emotionally, etc. after confronting her a week before that and then knowing it was still going on even in light of me knowing it). Now she is back and we have been here together for a couple weeks. Things are certainly better as she was very mean and uncaring while it was going on which I understand to be typical of anyone having an affair. We have been amicable, but there is a lot going on in her head and mine. However, I do truly love her and she says she does me too. We have always been very close, some might even say we had the perfect marriage. At first, we talked a lot and we seemed to come to an agreement about what happened as being a matter of too much alone time too fast and things just spiraled out of control. However, I have tried hard to reach out to her for the past couple weeks and she's still not there for me. I am tired of suffering and more tired of seeing her suffer. We know how to love each other and I know it would help me heal to be able to be close to her; hugging, holding, kissing, etc. She still seems cold to all of that though. Now that we've gotten through the first couple weeks, she is saying that we did have problems before and she's scared to let herself be close to me for fear that I am going to wait for her to be comfortable again and then throw this in her face or make her pay in some way. I am certainly not feeling that way and have not demonstrated any action now or in the past that would lead her to that conclusion. I guess my question to the group is "Is this normal?". Has anyone been through a similar situation? Any advice? I feel like the hard part should have been me getting over it, but I have and I just want the love of my life back. Now though it seems it's harder for her to get over it than me. She says it's not like a light switch that she can just turn back on, but I am living the same experience and I beg to differ. The hurting is over, we have forgiven each other and I want to make things fell right. But how can I do that when it's only me that's in it? Please help me understand this. Thanks, Dan

She stepped outside your marriage for a reason.. that "reason" is still
there....you need to fix that..before you can really move past it..

I suggest marriage counseling ..

Kass


"Dan" <danoh3@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:5dc1aa0.0405061726.4681ee4c@posting.google.co m... I have never posted before but really need to reach out to somebody. My wife just ended a brief (~3 month) affair and we are trying to get past it, but there seem to be more obstacles popping up every day. Here's the history (brief as I coud, sorry): We met, fell madly in love and got married. We had two children in our first three years, had no money and worked hard together to build a family, get a house, etc. All the while, the love and sweetness was always, always there. We had 9 1/2 very happy years together and things were finally getting smooth as I was making good money, we improved our house, the kids are both getting older and into all day school. The happiness is evidencedx not only from mutual conversations and the memories of all the laughter and sweetness but also by letters and cards from as recently as last Christmas (2003) saying things like "I'm so glad we're still best friends" and "I'm so happy I found my soulmate". In January of this year (2004) my job became very demanding and I ended up having to spend about 3 months in Maine (about 4 days a week, weekends home). Things became strained during this time because we were apart more than ever and totally exhausted on the weekends. It was during this time that she got depressed and got into her affair. It was about two weeks ago that she ended it after I confronted her. I never got angry. I have shown nothing but love through the whole thing. I acknowledged that it was both of our faults for getting lost during that time and that she just made a mistake; a bad choice made in desperation and then couldn't stop it until I finally confronted her and threatened divorce (it was no threat, I prepared myself financially, emotionally, etc. after confronting her a week before that and then knowing it was still going on even in light of me knowing it). Now she is back and we have been here together for a couple weeks. Things are certainly better as she was very mean and uncaring while it was going on which I understand to be typical of anyone having an affair. We have been amicable, but there is a lot going on in her head and mine. However, I do truly love her and she says she does me too. We have always been very close, some might even say we had the perfect marriage. At first, we talked a lot and we seemed to come to an agreement about what happened as being a matter of too much alone time too fast and things just spiraled out of control. However, I have tried hard to reach out to her for the past couple weeks and she's still not there for me. I am tired of suffering and more tired of seeing her suffer. We know how to love each other and I know it would help me heal to be able to be close to her; hugging, holding, kissing, etc. She still seems cold to all of that though. Now that we've gotten through the first couple weeks, she is saying that we did have problems before and she's scared to let herself be close to me for fear that I am going to wait for her to be comfortable again and then throw this in her face or make her pay in some way. I am certainly not feeling that way and have not demonstrated any action now or in the past that would lead her to that conclusion. I guess my question to the group is "Is this normal?". Has anyone been through a similar situation? Any advice? I feel like the hard part should have been me getting over it, but I have and I just want the love of my life back. Now though it seems it's harder for her to get over it than me. She says it's not like a light switch that she can just turn back on, but I am living the same experience and I beg to differ. The hurting is over, we have forgiven each other and I want to make things fell right. But how can I do that when it's only me that's in it? Please help me understand this. Thanks, Dan

Whisper wrote: She stepped outside your marriage for a reason.. that "reason" is still there....you need to fix that..before you can really move past it..

Yes.

The reason may have more to do with what is going on inside your wife, Dan,
than you or your relationship, despite some obvious triggers in your recent
history.
I suggest marriage counseling ..

Ditto.

Tai



Kass "Dan" <danoh3@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:5dc1aa0.0405061726.4681ee4c@posting.google.co m... I have never posted before but really need to reach out to somebody. My wife just ended a brief (~3 month) affair and we are trying to get past it, but there seem to be more obstacles popping up every day. Here's the history (brief as I coud, sorry): We met, fell madly in love and got married. We had two children in our first three years, had no money and worked hard together to build a family, get a house, etc. All the while, the love and sweetness was always, always there. We had 9 1/2 very happy years together and things were finally getting smooth as I was making good money, we improved our house, the kids are both getting older and into all day school. The happiness is evidencedx not only from mutual conversations and the memories of all the laughter and sweetness but also by letters and cards from as recently as last Christmas (2003) saying things like "I'm so glad we're still best friends" and "I'm so happy I found my soulmate". In January of this year (2004) my job became very demanding and I ended up having to spend about 3 months in Maine (about 4 days a week, weekends home). Things became strained during this time because we were apart more than ever and totally exhausted on the weekends. It was during this time that she got depressed and got into her affair. It was about two weeks ago that she ended it after I confronted her. I never got angry. I have shown nothing but love through the whole thing. I acknowledged that it was both of our faults for getting lost during that time and that she just made a mistake; a bad choice made in desperation and then couldn't stop it until I finally confronted her and threatened divorce (it was no threat, I prepared myself financially, emotionally, etc. after confronting her a week before that and then knowing it was still going on even in light of me knowing it). Now she is back and we have been here together for a couple weeks. Things are certainly better as she was very mean and uncaring while it was going on which I understand to be typical of anyone having an affair. We have been amicable, but there is a lot going on in her head and mine. However, I do truly love her and she says she does me too. We have always been very close, some might even say we had the perfect marriage. At first, we talked a lot and we seemed to come to an agreement about what happened as being a matter of too much alone time too fast and things just spiraled out of control. However, I have tried hard to reach out to her for the past couple weeks and she's still not there for me. I am tired of suffering and more tired of seeing her suffer. We know how to love each other and I know it would help me heal to be able to be close to her; hugging, holding, kissing, etc. She still seems cold to all of that though. Now that we've gotten through the first couple weeks, she is saying that we did have problems before and she's scared to let herself be close to me for fear that I am going to wait for her to be comfortable again and then throw this in her face or make her pay in some way. I am certainly not feeling that way and have not demonstrated any action now or in the past that would lead her to that conclusion. I guess my question to the group is "Is this normal?". Has anyone been through a similar situation? Any advice? I feel like the hard part should have been me getting over it, but I have and I just want the love of my life back. Now though it seems it's harder for her to get over it than me. She says it's not like a light switch that she can just turn back on, but I am living the same experience and I beg to differ. The hurting is over, we have forgiven each other and I want to make things fell right. But how can I do that when it's only me that's in it? Please help me understand this. Thanks, Dan

Whisper wrote: She stepped outside your marriage for a reason.. that "reason" is still there....you need to fix that..before you can really move past it..

Yes.

The reason may have more to do with what is going on inside your wife, Dan,
than you or your relationship, despite some obvious triggers in your recent
history.
I suggest marriage counseling ..

Ditto.

Tai



Kass "Dan" <danoh3@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:5dc1aa0.0405061726.4681ee4c@posting.google.co m... I have never posted before but really need to reach out to somebody. My wife just ended a brief (~3 month) affair and we are trying to get past it, but there seem to be more obstacles popping up every day. Here's the history (brief as I coud, sorry): We met, fell madly in love and got married. We had two children in our first three years, had no money and worked hard together to build a family, get a house, etc. All the while, the love and sweetness was always, always there. We had 9 1/2 very happy years together and things were finally getting smooth as I was making good money, we improved our house, the kids are both getting older and into all day school. The happiness is evidencedx not only from mutual conversations and the memories of all the laughter and sweetness but also by letters and cards from as recently as last Christmas (2003) saying things like "I'm so glad we're still best friends" and "I'm so happy I found my soulmate". In January of this year (2004) my job became very demanding and I ended up having to spend about 3 months in Maine (about 4 days a week, weekends home). Things became strained during this time because we were apart more than ever and totally exhausted on the weekends. It was during this time that she got depressed and got into her affair. It was about two weeks ago that she ended it after I confronted her. I never got angry. I have shown nothing but love through the whole thing. I acknowledged that it was both of our faults for getting lost during that time and that she just made a mistake; a bad choice made in desperation and then couldn't stop it until I finally confronted her and threatened divorce (it was no threat, I prepared myself financially, emotionally, etc. after confronting her a week before that and then knowing it was still going on even in light of me knowing it). Now she is back and we have been here together for a couple weeks. Things are certainly better as she was very mean and uncaring while it was going on which I understand to be typical of anyone having an affair. We have been amicable, but there is a lot going on in her head and mine. However, I do truly love her and she says she does me too. We have always been very close, some might even say we had the perfect marriage. At first, we talked a lot and we seemed to come to an agreement about what happened as being a matter of too much alone time too fast and things just spiraled out of control. However, I have tried hard to reach out to her for the past couple weeks and she's still not there for me. I am tired of suffering and more tired of seeing her suffer. We know how to love each other and I know it would help me heal to be able to be close to her; hugging, holding, kissing, etc. She still seems cold to all of that though. Now that we've gotten through the first couple weeks, she is saying that we did have problems before and she's scared to let herself be close to me for fear that I am going to wait for her to be comfortable again and then throw this in her face or make her pay in some way. I am certainly not feeling that way and have not demonstrated any action now or in the past that would lead her to that conclusion. I guess my question to the group is "Is this normal?". Has anyone been through a similar situation? Any advice? I feel like the hard part should have been me getting over it, but I have and I just want the love of my life back. Now though it seems it's harder for her to get over it than me. She says it's not like a light switch that she can just turn back on, but I am living the same experience and I beg to differ. The hurting is over, we have forgiven each other and I want to make things fell right. But how can I do that when it's only me that's in it? Please help me understand this. Thanks, Dan

"Dan" <danoh3@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:5dc1aa0.0405061726.4681ee4c@posting.google.co m...
It was about two weeks ago that she ended it after I confronted her.

I don't know. I'm only hypothesizing here and could be way off base. Could
it be that she was not ready to end the affair but perhaps felt
obligated/forced to end the affair when faced with the threat of divorce?

I hope everything works out for you.

"Dan" <danoh3@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:5dc1aa0.0405061726.4681ee4c@posting.google.co m...
It was about two weeks ago that she ended it after I confronted her.

I don't know. I'm only hypothesizing here and could be way off base. Could
it be that she was not ready to end the affair but perhaps felt
obligated/forced to end the affair when faced with the threat of divorce?

I hope everything works out for you.

danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) wrote in message news:<5dc1aa0.0405061726.4681ee4c@posting.google.com>... I have never posted before but really need to reach out to somebody. My wife just ended a brief (~3 month) affair and we are trying to get past it, but there seem to be more obstacles popping up every day. Here's the history (brief as I coud, sorry): We met, fell madly in love and got married. We had two children in our first three years, had no money and worked hard together to build a family, get a house, etc. All the while, the love and sweetness was always, always there. We had 9 1/2 very happy years together and things were finally getting smooth as I was making good money, we improved our house, the kids are both getting older and into all day school. The happiness is evidencedx not only from mutual conversations and the memories of all the laughter and sweetness but also by letters and cards from as recently as last Christmas (2003) saying things like "I'm so glad we're still best friends" and "I'm so happy I found my soulmate". In January of this year (2004) my job became very demanding and I ended up having to spend about 3 months in Maine (about 4 days a week, weekends home). Things became strained during this time because we were apart more than ever and totally exhausted on the weekends. It was during this time that she got depressed and got into her affair. It was about two weeks ago that she ended it after I confronted her. I never got angry. I have shown nothing but love through the whole thing. I acknowledged that it was both of our faults for getting lost during that time and that she just made a mistake;

On general principals, apart from the details of your situation,
here are some ideas.
Women instinctively lose respect for a man who does not get angry
at such a time. Lack of respect for you is part of the story from the
affair.
If she is the type of person who seeks to get out of
responsibilties by taking on the role of "victim" your current
approach is making her angry. She will not be happy again until she
can point to you as the bad guy.
There is a sort of contradiction between these ideas but it goes
away when you realize that the likely dynamic underlying all of this
is that she does not love and respect you nearly as much as she says.
A lot of women crave being with rough, dangerous types of men. You
are clearly the opposite of that. But you make a good living, so she
is conflicted.

a bad choice made in desperation and then couldn't stop it until I finally confronted her and threatened divorce (it was no threat, I prepared myself financially, emotionally, etc. after confronting her a week before that and then knowing it was still going on even in light of me knowing it). Now she is back and we have been here together for a couple weeks. Things are certainly better as she was very mean and uncaring while it was going on which I understand to be typical of anyone having an affair. We have been amicable, but there is a lot going on in her head and mine. However, I do truly love her and she says she does me too. We have always been very close, some might even say we had the perfect marriage. At first, we talked a lot and we seemed to come to an agreement about what happened as being a matter of too much alone time too fast and things just spiraled out of control. However, I have tried hard to reach out to her for the past couple weeks and she's still not there for me. I am tired of suffering and more tired of seeing her suffer. We know how to love each other and I know it would help me heal to be able to be close to her; hugging, holding, kissing, etc. She still seems cold to all of that though. Now that we've gotten through the first couple weeks, she is saying that we did have problems before and she's scared to let herself be close to me for fear that I am going to wait for her to be comfortable again and then throw this in her face or make her pay in some way. I am certainly not feeling that way and have not demonstrated any action now or in the past that would lead her to that conclusion. I guess my question to the group is "Is this normal?". Has anyone been through a similar situation? Any advice? I feel like the hard part should have been me getting over it, but I have and I just want the love of my life back. Now though it seems it's harder for her to get over it than me. She says it's not like a light switch that she can just turn back on, but I am living the same experience and I beg to differ. The hurting is over, we have forgiven each other and I want to make things fell right. But how can I do that when it's only me that's in it? Please help me understand this. Thanks, Dan

danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) wrote in message news:<5dc1aa0.0405061726.4681ee4c@posting.google.com>... I have never posted before but really need to reach out to somebody. My wife just ended a brief (~3 month) affair and we are trying to get past it, but there seem to be more obstacles popping up every day. Here's the history (brief as I coud, sorry): We met, fell madly in love and got married. We had two children in our first three years, had no money and worked hard together to build a family, get a house, etc. All the while, the love and sweetness was always, always there. We had 9 1/2 very happy years together and things were finally getting smooth as I was making good money, we improved our house, the kids are both getting older and into all day school. The happiness is evidencedx not only from mutual conversations and the memories of all the laughter and sweetness but also by letters and cards from as recently as last Christmas (2003) saying things like "I'm so glad we're still best friends" and "I'm so happy I found my soulmate". In January of this year (2004) my job became very demanding and I ended up having to spend about 3 months in Maine (about 4 days a week, weekends home). Things became strained during this time because we were apart more than ever and totally exhausted on the weekends. It was during this time that she got depressed and got into her affair. It was about two weeks ago that she ended it after I confronted her. I never got angry. I have shown nothing but love through the whole thing. I acknowledged that it was both of our faults for getting lost during that time and that she just made a mistake;

On general principals, apart from the details of your situation,
here are some ideas.
Women instinctively lose respect for a man who does not get angry
at such a time. Lack of respect for you is part of the story from the
affair.
If she is the type of person who seeks to get out of
responsibilties by taking on the role of "victim" your current
approach is making her angry. She will not be happy again until she
can point to you as the bad guy.
There is a sort of contradiction between these ideas but it goes
away when you realize that the likely dynamic underlying all of this
is that she does not love and respect you nearly as much as she says.
A lot of women crave being with rough, dangerous types of men. You
are clearly the opposite of that. But you make a good living, so she
is conflicted.

a bad choice made in desperation and then couldn't stop it until I finally confronted her and threatened divorce (it was no threat, I prepared myself financially, emotionally, etc. after confronting her a week before that and then knowing it was still going on even in light of me knowing it). Now she is back and we have been here together for a couple weeks. Things are certainly better as she was very mean and uncaring while it was going on which I understand to be typical of anyone having an affair. We have been amicable, but there is a lot going on in her head and mine. However, I do truly love her and she says she does me too. We have always been very close, some might even say we had the perfect marriage. At first, we talked a lot and we seemed to come to an agreement about what happened as being a matter of too much alone time too fast and things just spiraled out of control. However, I have tried hard to reach out to her for the past couple weeks and she's still not there for me. I am tired of suffering and more tired of seeing her suffer. We know how to love each other and I know it would help me heal to be able to be close to her; hugging, holding, kissing, etc. She still seems cold to all of that though. Now that we've gotten through the first couple weeks, she is saying that we did have problems before and she's scared to let herself be close to me for fear that I am going to wait for her to be comfortable again and then throw this in her face or make her pay in some way. I am certainly not feeling that way and have not demonstrated any action now or in the past that would lead her to that conclusion. I guess my question to the group is "Is this normal?". Has anyone been through a similar situation? Any advice? I feel like the hard part should have been me getting over it, but I have and I just want the love of my life back. Now though it seems it's harder for her to get over it than me. She says it's not like a light switch that she can just turn back on, but I am living the same experience and I beg to differ. The hurting is over, we have forgiven each other and I want to make things fell right. But how can I do that when it's only me that's in it? Please help me understand this. Thanks, Dan

<indigo_ghoul@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:b0ed0eef.0405070057.5ca8517e@posting.google.c om... danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) wrote in message
news:<5dc1aa0.0405061726.4681ee4c@posting.google.com>... I have never posted before but really need to reach out to somebody. My wife just ended a brief (~3 month) affair and we are trying to get past it, but there seem to be more obstacles popping up every day. Here's the history (brief as I coud, sorry): We met, fell madly in love and got married. We had two children in our first three years, had no money and worked hard together to build a family, get a house, etc. All the while, the love and sweetness was always, always there. We had 9 1/2 very happy years together and things were finally getting smooth as I was making good money, we improved our house, the kids are both getting older and into all day school. The happiness is evidencedx not only from mutual conversations and the memories of all the laughter and sweetness but also by letters and cards from as recently as last Christmas (2003) saying things like "I'm so glad we're still best friends" and "I'm so happy I found my soulmate". In January of this year (2004) my job became very demanding and I ended up having to spend about 3 months in Maine (about 4 days a week, weekends home). Things became strained during this time because we were apart more than ever and totally exhausted on the weekends. It was during this time that she got depressed and got into her affair. It was about two weeks ago that she ended it after I confronted her. I never got angry. I have shown nothing but love through the whole thing. I acknowledged that it was both of our faults for getting lost during that time and that she just made a mistake; On general principals, apart from the details of your situation, here are some ideas. Women instinctively lose respect for a man who does not get angry at such a time. Lack of respect for you is part of the story from the affair.


Female regular posters out here. Am I the only one who gets pretty ticked
off by the prevalence of this "females are." Are we really the universal
*****es some of these men make us out to be? If so, why would anyone want to
marry one of us?
If she is the type of person who seeks to get out of responsibilties by taking on the role of "victim" your current approach is making her angry. She will not be happy again until she can point to you as the bad guy. There is a sort of contradiction between these ideas but it goes away when you realize that the likely dynamic underlying all of this is that she does not love and respect you nearly as much as she says. A lot of women crave being with rough, dangerous types of men. You are clearly the opposite of that. But you make a good living, so she is conflicted. a bad choice made in desperation and then couldn't stop it until I finally confronted her and threatened divorce (it was no threat, I prepared myself financially, emotionally, etc. after confronting her a week before that and then knowing it was still going on even in light of me knowing it). Now she is back and we have been here together for a couple weeks. Things are certainly better as she was very mean and uncaring while it was going on which I understand to be typical of anyone having an affair. We have been amicable, but there is a lot going on in her head and mine. However, I do truly love her and she says she does me too. We have always been very close, some might even say we had the perfect marriage. At first, we talked a lot and we seemed to come to an agreement about what happened as being a matter of too much alone time too fast and things just spiraled out of control. However, I have tried hard to reach out to her for the past couple weeks and she's still not there for me. I am tired of suffering and more tired of seeing her suffer. We know how to love each other and I know it would help me heal to be able to be close to her; hugging, holding, kissing, etc. She still seems cold to all of that though. Now that we've gotten through the first couple weeks, she is saying that we did have problems before and she's scared to let herself be close to me for fear that I am going to wait for her to be comfortable again and then throw this in her face or make her pay in some way. I am certainly not feeling that way and have not demonstrated any action now or in the past that would lead her to that conclusion. I guess my question to the group is "Is this normal?". Has anyone been through a similar situation? Any advice? I feel like the hard part should have been me getting over it, but I have and I just want the love of my life back. Now though it seems it's harder for her to get over it than me. She says it's not like a light switch that she can just turn back on, but I am living the same experience and I beg to differ. The hurting is over, we have forgiven each other and I want to make things fell right. But how can I do that when it's only me that's in it? Please help me understand this. Thanks, Dan

<indigo_ghoul@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:b0ed0eef.0405070057.5ca8517e@posting.google.c om... danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) wrote in message
news:<5dc1aa0.0405061726.4681ee4c@posting.google.com>... I have never posted before but really need to reach out to somebody. My wife just ended a brief (~3 month) affair and we are trying to get past it, but there seem to be more obstacles popping up every day. Here's the history (brief as I coud, sorry): We met, fell madly in love and got married. We had two children in our first three years, had no money and worked hard together to build a family, get a house, etc. All the while, the love and sweetness was always, always there. We had 9 1/2 very happy years together and things were finally getting smooth as I was making good money, we improved our house, the kids are both getting older and into all day school. The happiness is evidencedx not only from mutual conversations and the memories of all the laughter and sweetness but also by letters and cards from as recently as last Christmas (2003) saying things like "I'm so glad we're still best friends" and "I'm so happy I found my soulmate". In January of this year (2004) my job became very demanding and I ended up having to spend about 3 months in Maine (about 4 days a week, weekends home). Things became strained during this time because we were apart more than ever and totally exhausted on the weekends. It was during this time that she got depressed and got into her affair. It was about two weeks ago that she ended it after I confronted her. I never got angry. I have shown nothing but love through the whole thing. I acknowledged that it was both of our faults for getting lost during that time and that she just made a mistake; On general principals, apart from the details of your situation, here are some ideas. Women instinctively lose respect for a man who does not get angry at such a time. Lack of respect for you is part of the story from the affair.


Female regular posters out here. Am I the only one who gets pretty ticked
off by the prevalence of this "females are." Are we really the universal
*****es some of these men make us out to be? If so, why would anyone want to
marry one of us?
If she is the type of person who seeks to get out of responsibilties by taking on the role of "victim" your current approach is making her angry. She will not be happy again until she can point to you as the bad guy. There is a sort of contradiction between these ideas but it goes away when you realize that the likely dynamic underlying all of this is that she does not love and respect you nearly as much as she says. A lot of women crave being with rough, dangerous types of men. You are clearly the opposite of that. But you make a good living, so she is conflicted. a bad choice made in desperation and then couldn't stop it until I finally confronted her and threatened divorce (it was no threat, I prepared myself financially, emotionally, etc. after confronting her a week before that and then knowing it was still going on even in light of me knowing it). Now she is back and we have been here together for a couple weeks. Things are certainly better as she was very mean and uncaring while it was going on which I understand to be typical of anyone having an affair. We have been amicable, but there is a lot going on in her head and mine. However, I do truly love her and she says she does me too. We have always been very close, some might even say we had the perfect marriage. At first, we talked a lot and we seemed to come to an agreement about what happened as being a matter of too much alone time too fast and things just spiraled out of control. However, I have tried hard to reach out to her for the past couple weeks and she's still not there for me. I am tired of suffering and more tired of seeing her suffer. We know how to love each other and I know it would help me heal to be able to be close to her; hugging, holding, kissing, etc. She still seems cold to all of that though. Now that we've gotten through the first couple weeks, she is saying that we did have problems before and she's scared to let herself be close to me for fear that I am going to wait for her to be comfortable again and then throw this in her face or make her pay in some way. I am certainly not feeling that way and have not demonstrated any action now or in the past that would lead her to that conclusion. I guess my question to the group is "Is this normal?". Has anyone been through a similar situation? Any advice? I feel like the hard part should have been me getting over it, but I have and I just want the love of my life back. Now though it seems it's harder for her to get over it than me. She says it's not like a light switch that she can just turn back on, but I am living the same experience and I beg to differ. The hurting is over, we have forgiven each other and I want to make things fell right. But how can I do that when it's only me that's in it? Please help me understand this. Thanks, Dan

"Tim and Stephanie Stowe" <stowevt@sspamotrapver.net> wrote in message
news:gXImc.2368$Ua5.1702935@monger.newsread.com...
Women instinctively lose respect for a man who does not get angry at such a time. Lack of respect for you is part of the story from the affair. Female regular posters out here. Am I the only one who gets pretty ticked off by the prevalence of this "females are." Are we really the universal *****es some of these men make us out to be? If so, why would anyone want
to marry one of us?

No, you aren't alone. It isn't just that it ticks me off, either - I think
it does a disservice to readers who may really be looking for help, in that
it creates an unnecessary and artificial polarization. It is more than just
irritating, it prevents a useful discourse.

Once in a while I point this out to somebody who is carrying on in this
vein. It hardly ever seems helpful, though, so it usually doesn't seem
worth the energy. FWIW, this seems like an even bigger problem on ASD.

Joy

"Tim and Stephanie Stowe" <stowevt@sspamotrapver.net> wrote in message
news:gXImc.2368$Ua5.1702935@monger.newsread.com...
Women instinctively lose respect for a man who does not get angry at such a time. Lack of respect for you is part of the story from the affair. Female regular posters out here. Am I the only one who gets pretty ticked off by the prevalence of this "females are." Are we really the universal *****es some of these men make us out to be? If so, why would anyone want
to marry one of us?

No, you aren't alone. It isn't just that it ticks me off, either - I think
it does a disservice to readers who may really be looking for help, in that
it creates an unnecessary and artificial polarization. It is more than just
irritating, it prevents a useful discourse.

Once in a while I point this out to somebody who is carrying on in this
vein. It hardly ever seems helpful, though, so it usually doesn't seem
worth the energy. FWIW, this seems like an even bigger problem on ASD.

Joy

"Tim and Stephanie Stowe" <stowevt@sspamotrapver.net> writes:
<indigo_ghoul@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:b0ed0eef.0405070057.5ca8517e@posting.google.c om... danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) wrote in message news:<5dc1aa0.0405061726.4681ee4c@posting.google.com>... I have never posted before but really need to reach out to somebody. My wife just ended a brief (~3 month) affair and we are trying to get past it, but there seem to be more obstacles popping up every day. Here's the history (brief as I coud, sorry): We met, fell madly in love and got married. We had two children in our first three years, had no money and worked hard together to build a family, get a house, etc. All the while, the love and sweetness was always, always there. We had 9 1/2 very happy years together and things were finally getting smooth as I was making good money, we improved our house, the kids are both getting older and into all day school. The happiness is evidencedx not only from mutual conversations and the memories of all the laughter and sweetness but also by letters and cards from as recently as last Christmas (2003) saying things like "I'm so glad we're still best friends" and "I'm so happy I found my soulmate". In January of this year (2004) my job became very demanding and I ended up having to spend about 3 months in Maine (about 4 days a week, weekends home). Things became strained during this time because we were apart more than ever and totally exhausted on the weekends. It was during this time that she got depressed and got into her affair. It was about two weeks ago that she ended it after I confronted her. I never got angry. I have shown nothing but love through the whole thing. I acknowledged that it was both of our faults for getting lost during that time and that she just made a mistake; On general principals, apart from the details of your situation, here are some ideas. Women instinctively lose respect for a man who does not get angry at such a time. Lack of respect for you is part of the story from the affair. Female regular posters out here. Am I the only one who gets pretty ticked off by the prevalence of this "females are."

I'm not a female poster, but I get ticked off by this too.

"Tim and Stephanie Stowe" <stowevt@sspamotrapver.net> writes:
<indigo_ghoul@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:b0ed0eef.0405070057.5ca8517e@posting.google.c om... danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) wrote in message news:<5dc1aa0.0405061726.4681ee4c@posting.google.com>... I have never posted before but really need to reach out to somebody. My wife just ended a brief (~3 month) affair and we are trying to get past it, but there seem to be more obstacles popping up every day. Here's the history (brief as I coud, sorry): We met, fell madly in love and got married. We had two children in our first three years, had no money and worked hard together to build a family, get a house, etc. All the while, the love and sweetness was always, always there. We had 9 1/2 very happy years together and things were finally getting smooth as I was making good money, we improved our house, the kids are both getting older and into all day school. The happiness is evidencedx not only from mutual conversations and the memories of all the laughter and sweetness but also by letters and cards from as recently as last Christmas (2003) saying things like "I'm so glad we're still best friends" and "I'm so happy I found my soulmate". In January of this year (2004) my job became very demanding and I ended up having to spend about 3 months in Maine (about 4 days a week, weekends home). Things became strained during this time because we were apart more than ever and totally exhausted on the weekends. It was during this time that she got depressed and got into her affair. It was about two weeks ago that she ended it after I confronted her. I never got angry. I have shown nothing but love through the whole thing. I acknowledged that it was both of our faults for getting lost during that time and that she just made a mistake; On general principals, apart from the details of your situation, here are some ideas. Women instinctively lose respect for a man who does not get angry at such a time. Lack of respect for you is part of the story from the affair. Female regular posters out here. Am I the only one who gets pretty ticked off by the prevalence of this "females are."

I'm not a female poster, but I get ticked off by this too.

Thanks for the input - what a confusing time. We are aggressively
pursuing marriage counseling. She still sticks to the story that she
is afraid to be close to me now in anticipation of some coming storm
from me. The thing is, I have had a lot of alone time already while
the affair was going on to feel all the bad feelings and do a lot of
introspection.

I am not sure that I have to be angry and explode at her. How is that
productive? In talking to her, I am more mad at how we collectively
let things spiral out of control so quickly and she agrees with that.

I am hopeful that a little time will let her get out whatever trash is
left over in her system from this dark time and start to live and love
again. Is that naive?

Dan

Thanks for the input - what a confusing time. We are aggressively
pursuing marriage counseling. She still sticks to the story that she
is afraid to be close to me now in anticipation of some coming storm
from me. The thing is, I have had a lot of alone time already while
the affair was going on to feel all the bad feelings and do a lot of
introspection.

I am not sure that I have to be angry and explode at her. How is that
productive? In talking to her, I am more mad at how we collectively
let things spiral out of control so quickly and she agrees with that.

I am hopeful that a little time will let her get out whatever trash is
left over in her system from this dark time and start to live and love
again. Is that naive?

Dan

In article <5dc1aa0.0405070716.2e0d3f73@posting.google.com>, Dan wrote: Thanks for the input - what a confusing time. We are aggressively pursuing marriage counseling. She still sticks to the story that she is afraid to be close to me now in anticipation of some coming storm from me. The thing is, I have had a lot of alone time already while the affair was going on to feel all the bad feelings and do a lot of introspection.

"Sticks to the story" indicates a lack of respect on your part for her
position in this case.
I am not sure that I have to be angry and explode at her. How is that productive? In talking to her, I am more mad at how we collectively let things spiral out of control so quickly and she agrees with that.

I don't blame her for being confused -- you *should* be angry at her
over this, and she might be (understandably) afraid that you're supressing
your anger instead of dealing with it.
I am hopeful that a little time will let her get out whatever trash is left over in her system from this dark time and start to live and love again. Is that naive?

Yes. You both need to work on strengthening your relationship together,
and she needs to see that you're getting your negative feelings (anger,
jealousy, hurt and contempt) out there as well as her getting all her
"trash" out.

Regardless of the past events, going forward you are both equals, so
you can't treat her like she's the only one with "bad" emotions.
Dan

In article <5dc1aa0.0405070716.2e0d3f73@posting.google.com>, Dan wrote: Thanks for the input - what a confusing time. We are aggressively pursuing marriage counseling. She still sticks to the story that she is afraid to be close to me now in anticipation of some coming storm from me. The thing is, I have had a lot of alone time already while the affair was going on to feel all the bad feelings and do a lot of introspection.

"Sticks to the story" indicates a lack of respect on your part for her
position in this case.
I am not sure that I have to be angry and explode at her. How is that productive? In talking to her, I am more mad at how we collectively let things spiral out of control so quickly and she agrees with that.

I don't blame her for being confused -- you *should* be angry at her
over this, and she might be (understandably) afraid that you're supressing
your anger instead of dealing with it.
I am hopeful that a little time will let her get out whatever trash is left over in her system from this dark time and start to live and love again. Is that naive?

Yes. You both need to work on strengthening your relationship together,
and she needs to see that you're getting your negative feelings (anger,
jealousy, hurt and contempt) out there as well as her getting all her
"trash" out.

Regardless of the past events, going forward you are both equals, so
you can't treat her like she's the only one with "bad" emotions.
Dan

"Dan" <danoh3@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:5dc1aa0.0405061726.4681ee4c@posting.google.co m... I have never posted before but really need to reach out to somebody. My wife just ended a brief (~3 month) affair and we are trying to get past it, but there seem to be more obstacles popping up every day. Here's the history (brief as I coud, sorry): We met, fell madly in love and got married. We had two children in our first three years, had no money and worked hard together to build a family, get a house, etc. All the while, the love and sweetness was always, always there. We had 9 1/2 very happy years together and things were finally getting smooth as I was making good money, we improved our house, the kids are both getting older and into all day school. The happiness is evidencedx not only from mutual conversations and the memories of all the laughter and sweetness but also by letters and cards from as recently as last Christmas (2003) saying things like "I'm so glad we're still best friends" and "I'm so happy I found my soulmate". In January of this year (2004) my job became very demanding and I ended up having to spend about 3 months in Maine (about 4 days a week, weekends home). Things became strained during this time because we were apart more than ever and totally exhausted on the weekends. It was during this time that she got depressed and got into her affair. It was about two weeks ago that she ended it after I confronted her. I never got angry. I have shown nothing but love through the whole thing. I acknowledged that it was both of our faults for getting lost during that time and that she just made a mistake; a bad choice made in desperation and then couldn't stop it until I finally confronted her and threatened divorce (it was no threat, I prepared myself financially, emotionally, etc. after confronting her a week before that and then knowing it was still going on even in light of me knowing it). Now she is back and we have been here together for a couple weeks. Things are certainly better as she was very mean and uncaring while it was going on which I understand to be typical of anyone having an affair. We have been amicable, but there is a lot going on in her head and mine. However, I do truly love her and she says she does me too. We have always been very close, some might even say we had the perfect marriage. At first, we talked a lot and we seemed to come to an agreement about what happened as being a matter of too much alone time too fast and things just spiraled out of control. However, I have tried hard to reach out to her for the past couple weeks and she's still not there for me. I am tired of suffering and more tired of seeing her suffer. We know how to love each other and I know it would help me heal to be able to be close to her; hugging, holding, kissing, etc. She still seems cold to all of that though. Now that we've gotten through the first couple weeks, she is saying that we did have problems before and she's scared to let herself be close to me for fear that I am going to wait for her to be comfortable again and then throw this in her face or make her pay in some way. I am certainly not feeling that way and have not demonstrated any action now or in the past that would lead her to that conclusion. I guess my question to the group is "Is this normal?". Has anyone been through a similar situation? Any advice? I feel like the hard part should have been me getting over it, but I have and I just want the love of my life back. Now though it seems it's harder for her to get over it than me. She says it's not like a light switch that she can just turn back on, but I am living the same experience and I beg to differ. The hurting is over, we have forgiven each other and I want to make things fell right. But how can I do that when it's only me that's in it? Please help me understand this. Thanks, Dan


Dan,
I just want to share a couple of thoughts with you.
First, I think before you can truly move on, the two of you need to work
together to get to the underlying truth: what caused her to stray in the
first place? Was it loneliness? Anger for your being away so much?
Insecurity? What?
Without knowing why it happened, there's no way to know if it will happen
again.
The way that you describe your wife, I suspect her actions are out of guilt
more than anything. It sounds to me as if she's having trouble letting go of
her guilt, and while it's normal that she would feel guilty, not being able
to cope with it is unhealthy. And if it isn't guilt, you still need help to
find out why she's being distant.
Have you (either of you) had any counseling? Any help from a pastor or
marriage counselor or even a therapist? I strongly urge you to do so if
you're not already, especially for your wife.
Understand that, in order for your marriage reconciliation to work, you need
to be able to trust her...and right now it almost seems as if she doesn't
trust herself or her choices.

kimberly

"Dan" <danoh3@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:5dc1aa0.0405061726.4681ee4c@posting.google.co m... I have never posted before but really need to reach out to somebody. My wife just ended a brief (~3 month) affair and we are trying to get past it, but there seem to be more obstacles popping up every day. Here's the history (brief as I coud, sorry): We met, fell madly in love and got married. We had two children in our first three years, had no money and worked hard together to build a family, get a house, etc. All the while, the love and sweetness was always, always there. We had 9 1/2 very happy years together and things were finally getting smooth as I was making good money, we improved our house, the kids are both getting older and into all day school. The happiness is evidencedx not only from mutual conversations and the memories of all the laughter and sweetness but also by letters and cards from as recently as last Christmas (2003) saying things like "I'm so glad we're still best friends" and "I'm so happy I found my soulmate". In January of this year (2004) my job became very demanding and I ended up having to spend about 3 months in Maine (about 4 days a week, weekends home). Things became strained during this time because we were apart more than ever and totally exhausted on the weekends. It was during this time that she got depressed and got into her affair. It was about two weeks ago that she ended it after I confronted her. I never got angry. I have shown nothing but love through the whole thing. I acknowledged that it was both of our faults for getting lost during that time and that she just made a mistake; a bad choice made in desperation and then couldn't stop it until I finally confronted her and threatened divorce (it was no threat, I prepared myself financially, emotionally, etc. after confronting her a week before that and then knowing it was still going on even in light of me knowing it). Now she is back and we have been here together for a couple weeks. Things are certainly better as she was very mean and uncaring while it was going on which I understand to be typical of anyone having an affair. We have been amicable, but there is a lot going on in her head and mine. However, I do truly love her and she says she does me too. We have always been very close, some might even say we had the perfect marriage. At first, we talked a lot and we seemed to come to an agreement about what happened as being a matter of too much alone time too fast and things just spiraled out of control. However, I have tried hard to reach out to her for the past couple weeks and she's still not there for me. I am tired of suffering and more tired of seeing her suffer. We know how to love each other and I know it would help me heal to be able to be close to her; hugging, holding, kissing, etc. She still seems cold to all of that though. Now that we've gotten through the first couple weeks, she is saying that we did have problems before and she's scared to let herself be close to me for fear that I am going to wait for her to be comfortable again and then throw this in her face or make her pay in some way. I am certainly not feeling that way and have not demonstrated any action now or in the past that would lead her to that conclusion. I guess my question to the group is "Is this normal?". Has anyone been through a similar situation? Any advice? I feel like the hard part should have been me getting over it, but I have and I just want the love of my life back. Now though it seems it's harder for her to get over it than me. She says it's not like a light switch that she can just turn back on, but I am living the same experience and I beg to differ. The hurting is over, we have forgiven each other and I want to make things fell right. But how can I do that when it's only me that's in it? Please help me understand this. Thanks, Dan


Dan,
I just want to share a couple of thoughts with you.
First, I think before you can truly move on, the two of you need to work
together to get to the underlying truth: what caused her to stray in the
first place? Was it loneliness? Anger for your being away so much?
Insecurity? What?
Without knowing why it happened, there's no way to know if it will happen
again.
The way that you describe your wife, I suspect her actions are out of guilt
more than anything. It sounds to me as if she's having trouble letting go of
her guilt, and while it's normal that she would feel guilty, not being able
to cope with it is unhealthy. And if it isn't guilt, you still need help to
find out why she's being distant.
Have you (either of you) had any counseling? Any help from a pastor or
marriage counselor or even a therapist? I strongly urge you to do so if
you're not already, especially for your wife.
Understand that, in order for your marriage reconciliation to work, you need
to be able to trust her...and right now it almost seems as if she doesn't
trust herself or her choices.

kimberly

Dan <danoh3@hotmail.com> wrote:
I have never posted before but really need to reach out to somebody. My wife just ended a brief (~3 month) affair and we are trying to get past it, but there seem to be more obstacles popping up every day.

Go to marriagebuilders.com and read everything there about infidelity.
Are you sure this affair has really ended?

Dan <danoh3@hotmail.com> wrote:
I have never posted before but really need to reach out to somebody. My wife just ended a brief (~3 month) affair and we are trying to get past it, but there seem to be more obstacles popping up every day.

Go to marriagebuilders.com and read everything there about infidelity.
Are you sure this affair has really ended?

"Dan" <danoh3@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:5dc1aa0.0405070716.2e0d3f73@posting.google.co m... Thanks for the input - what a confusing time. We are aggressively pursuing marriage counseling. She still sticks to the story that she is afraid to be close to me now in anticipation of some coming storm from me. The thing is, I have had a lot of alone time already while the affair was going on to feel all the bad feelings and do a lot of introspection. I am not sure that I have to be angry and explode at her. How is that productive? In talking to her, I am more mad at how we collectively let things spiral out of control so quickly and she agrees with that. I am hopeful that a little time will let her get out whatever trash is left over in her system from this dark time and start to live and love again. Is that naive? Dan

please man do yourself and your wife a favor. leave.
what guarantee do you have that she is not going to do it again, she doesn't
respect you. She broke the trust, it's gone, can't build on lies.

"Dan" <danoh3@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:5dc1aa0.0405070716.2e0d3f73@posting.google.co m... Thanks for the input - what a confusing time. We are aggressively pursuing marriage counseling. She still sticks to the story that she is afraid to be close to me now in anticipation of some coming storm from me. The thing is, I have had a lot of alone time already while the affair was going on to feel all the bad feelings and do a lot of introspection. I am not sure that I have to be angry and explode at her. How is that productive? In talking to her, I am more mad at how we collectively let things spiral out of control so quickly and she agrees with that. I am hopeful that a little time will let her get out whatever trash is left over in her system from this dark time and start to live and love again. Is that naive? Dan

please man do yourself and your wife a favor. leave.
what guarantee do you have that she is not going to do it again, she doesn't
respect you. She broke the trust, it's gone, can't build on lies.

danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) wrote in message news:<5dc1aa0.0405061726.4681ee4c@posting.google.com>... I have never posted before but really need to reach out to somebody. My wife just ended a brief (~3 month) affair and we are trying to get past it, but there seem to be more obstacles popping up every day. Here's the history (brief as I coud, sorry): We met, fell madly in love and got married. We had two children in our first three years, had no money and worked hard together to build a family, get a house, etc. All the while, the love and sweetness was always, always there. We had 9 1/2 very happy years together and things were finally getting smooth as I was making good money, we improved our house, the kids are both getting older and into all day school. The happiness is evidencedx not only from mutual conversations and the memories of all the laughter and sweetness but also by letters and cards from as recently as last Christmas (2003) saying things like "I'm so glad we're still best friends" and "I'm so happy I found my soulmate". In January of this year (2004) my job became very demanding and I ended up having to spend about 3 months in Maine (about 4 days a week, weekends home). Things became strained during this time because we were apart more than ever and totally exhausted on the weekends. It was during this time that she got depressed and got into her affair. It was about two weeks ago that she ended it after I confronted her. I never got angry. I have shown nothing but love through the whole thing. I acknowledged that it was both of our faults for getting lost during that time and that she just made a mistake; a bad choice made in desperation and then couldn't stop it until I finally confronted her and threatened divorce (it was no threat, I prepared myself financially, emotionally, etc. after confronting her a week before that and then knowing it was still going on even in light of me knowing it). Now she is back and we have been here together for a couple weeks. Things are certainly better as she was very mean and uncaring while it was going on which I understand to be typical of anyone having an affair. We have been amicable, but there is a lot going on in her head and mine. However, I do truly love her and she says she does me too. We have always been very close, some might even say we had the perfect marriage. At first, we talked a lot and we seemed to come to an agreement about what happened as being a matter of too much alone time too fast and things just spiraled out of control. However, I have tried hard to reach out to her for the past couple weeks and she's still not there for me.


In other words, you are the one jumping thru hoops to fix things.
She is certainly not. Who is in charge here?

I am tired of suffering and more tired of seeing her suffer. We know how to love each other and I know it would help me heal to be able to be close to her; hugging, holding, kissing, etc. She still seems cold to all of that though. Now that we've gotten through the first couple weeks, she is saying that we did have problems before and she's scared to let herself be close to me for fear that I am going to wait for her to be comfortable again and then throw this in her face or make her pay in some way.

In other words, she is calling you an asshole, at least potentially.
She is claiming victim status. For her to be the victim here, you must
be the victimizer. Even if you do not act the part, the role is being
forced upon you.

I am certainly not feeling that way and have not demonstrated any action now or in the past that would lead her to that conclusion.

It is not a "conclusion" on her part. It is a stragedy. Victimhood
equals power and she seems addicted to that.

I guess my question to the group is "Is this normal?". Has anyone been through a similar situation? Any advice? I feel like the hard part should have been me getting over it, but I have and I just want the love of my life back. Now though it seems it's harder for her to get over it than me. She says it's not like a light switch that she can just turn back on, but I am living the same experience and I beg to differ. The hurting is over, we have forgiven each other and I want to make things fell right. But how can I do that when it's only me that's in it?

Focus on power issues. She got caught, she wants to regain the upper
hand. So she witholds affection until you do something to put yourself
in the wrong. Then maybe, if she feels like it, she may relent and
give you some love - when you are back in your place.

The rest of you assholes want to shoot the messenger. That is
easier, I guess, than answering this guys concerns.

Please help me understand this. Thanks, Dan

danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) wrote in message news:<5dc1aa0.0405061726.4681ee4c@posting.google.com>... I have never posted before but really need to reach out to somebody. My wife just ended a brief (~3 month) affair and we are trying to get past it, but there seem to be more obstacles popping up every day. Here's the history (brief as I coud, sorry): We met, fell madly in love and got married. We had two children in our first three years, had no money and worked hard together to build a family, get a house, etc. All the while, the love and sweetness was always, always there. We had 9 1/2 very happy years together and things were finally getting smooth as I was making good money, we improved our house, the kids are both getting older and into all day school. The happiness is evidencedx not only from mutual conversations and the memories of all the laughter and sweetness but also by letters and cards from as recently as last Christmas (2003) saying things like "I'm so glad we're still best friends" and "I'm so happy I found my soulmate". In January of this year (2004) my job became very demanding and I ended up having to spend about 3 months in Maine (about 4 days a week, weekends home). Things became strained during this time because we were apart more than ever and totally exhausted on the weekends. It was during this time that she got depressed and got into her affair. It was about two weeks ago that she ended it after I confronted her. I never got angry. I have shown nothing but love through the whole thing. I acknowledged that it was both of our faults for getting lost during that time and that she just made a mistake; a bad choice made in desperation and then couldn't stop it until I finally confronted her and threatened divorce (it was no threat, I prepared myself financially, emotionally, etc. after confronting her a week before that and then knowing it was still going on even in light of me knowing it). Now she is back and we have been here together for a couple weeks. Things are certainly better as she was very mean and uncaring while it was going on which I understand to be typical of anyone having an affair. We have been amicable, but there is a lot going on in her head and mine. However, I do truly love her and she says she does me too. We have always been very close, some might even say we had the perfect marriage. At first, we talked a lot and we seemed to come to an agreement about what happened as being a matter of too much alone time too fast and things just spiraled out of control. However, I have tried hard to reach out to her for the past couple weeks and she's still not there for me.


In other words, you are the one jumping thru hoops to fix things.
She is certainly not. Who is in charge here?

I am tired of suffering and more tired of seeing her suffer. We know how to love each other and I know it would help me heal to be able to be close to her; hugging, holding, kissing, etc. She still seems cold to all of that though. Now that we've gotten through the first couple weeks, she is saying that we did have problems before and she's scared to let herself be close to me for fear that I am going to wait for her to be comfortable again and then throw this in her face or make her pay in some way.

In other words, she is calling you an asshole, at least potentially.
She is claiming victim status. For her to be the victim here, you must
be the victimizer. Even if you do not act the part, the role is being
forced upon you.

I am certainly not feeling that way and have not demonstrated any action now or in the past that would lead her to that conclusion.

It is not a "conclusion" on her part. It is a stragedy. Victimhood
equals power and she seems addicted to that.

I guess my question to the group is "Is this normal?". Has anyone been through a similar situation? Any advice? I feel like the hard part should have been me getting over it, but I have and I just want the love of my life back. Now though it seems it's harder for her to get over it than me. She says it's not like a light switch that she can just turn back on, but I am living the same experience and I beg to differ. The hurting is over, we have forgiven each other and I want to make things fell right. But how can I do that when it's only me that's in it?

Focus on power issues. She got caught, she wants to regain the upper
hand. So she witholds affection until you do something to put yourself
in the wrong. Then maybe, if she feels like it, she may relent and
give you some love - when you are back in your place.

The rest of you assholes want to shoot the messenger. That is
easier, I guess, than answering this guys concerns.

Please help me understand this. Thanks, Dan

danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) writes:
Thanks for the input - what a confusing time. We are aggressively pursuing marriage counseling. She still sticks to the story that she is afraid to be close to me now in anticipation of some coming storm from me.

She is rationalizing. She may not realize that she isn't telling you
the truth, but she is either feeling guilty, or whatever distance from
you she felt that enabled her to have an affair in the first place is
still operating and she is (consciously or unconsciously) reluctant to
admit it.
The thing is, I have had a lot of alone time already while the affair was going on to feel all the bad feelings and do a lot of introspection. I am not sure that I have to be angry and explode at her. How is that productive?

It isn't. Don't let the silly posts about how you have to storm and
rage convince you of anything.
In talking to her, I am more mad at how we collectively let things spiral out of control so quickly and she agrees with that. I am hopeful that a little time will let her get out whatever trash is left over in her system from this dark time and start to live and love again. Is that naive?

Yes. You need more than time. You need some active intervention
either on both of your parts, or together with a therapist.

danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) writes:
Thanks for the input - what a confusing time. We are aggressively pursuing marriage counseling. She still sticks to the story that she is afraid to be close to me now in anticipation of some coming storm from me.

She is rationalizing. She may not realize that she isn't telling you
the truth, but she is either feeling guilty, or whatever distance from
you she felt that enabled her to have an affair in the first place is
still operating and she is (consciously or unconsciously) reluctant to
admit it.
The thing is, I have had a lot of alone time already while the affair was going on to feel all the bad feelings and do a lot of introspection. I am not sure that I have to be angry and explode at her. How is that productive?

It isn't. Don't let the silly posts about how you have to storm and
rage convince you of anything.
In talking to her, I am more mad at how we collectively let things spiral out of control so quickly and she agrees with that. I am hopeful that a little time will let her get out whatever trash is left over in her system from this dark time and start to live and love again. Is that naive?

Yes. You need more than time. You need some active intervention
either on both of your parts, or together with a therapist.

On Fri, 07 May 2004 09:47:56 GMT, "Tim and Stephanie Stowe"
<stowevt@sspamotrapver.net> wrote:
<indigo_ghoul@hotmail.com> wrote in message
Women instinctively lose respect for a man who does not get angry at such a time. Lack of respect for you is part of the story from the affair.Female regular posters out here. Am I the only one who gets pretty tickedoff by the prevalence of this "females are." Are we really the universal*****es some of these men make us out to be? If so, why would anyone want tomarry one of us?

So they'll have something to ***** about when we buy bon-bons and
jewelry for our boyfriends with the Child Support. Duh.

Come visit ASD for awhile. The generalizations here in ASM will feel
much, much gentler. Generally speaking, of course. ;)

Lauri in WA

I like my email spamless

On Fri, 07 May 2004 09:47:56 GMT, "Tim and Stephanie Stowe"
<stowevt@sspamotrapver.net> wrote:
<indigo_ghoul@hotmail.com> wrote in message
Women instinctively lose respect for a man who does not get angry at such a time. Lack of respect for you is part of the story from the affair.Female regular posters out here. Am I the only one who gets pretty tickedoff by the prevalence of this "females are." Are we really the universal*****es some of these men make us out to be? If so, why would anyone want tomarry one of us?

So they'll have something to ***** about when we buy bon-bons and
jewelry for our boyfriends with the Child Support. Duh.

Come visit ASD for awhile. The generalizations here in ASM will feel
much, much gentler. Generally speaking, of course. ;)

Lauri in WA

I like my email spamless

On 7 May 2004 08:16:08 -0700, danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) wrote:
Thanks for the input - what a confusing time. We are aggressivelypursuing marriage counseling. She still sticks to the story that sheis afraid to be close to me now in anticipation of some coming stormfrom me. The thing is, I have had a lot of alone time already whilethe affair was going on to feel all the bad feelings and do a lot ofintrospection.

You know, I could be way off base but it almost sounds like maybe she
was hoping, on some level, that the discovery of the affair would
bring some serious issues to light? It's also possible that she feels
that your calm reaction is being interpreted by her as uncaring or
uninvolved. This is just theory, and I could be totally wrong. Just
a couple of thoughts which occurred to me.

Lauri in WA

I like my email spamless

On 7 May 2004 08:16:08 -0700, danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) wrote:
Thanks for the input - what a confusing time. We are aggressivelypursuing marriage counseling. She still sticks to the story that sheis afraid to be close to me now in anticipation of some coming stormfrom me. The thing is, I have had a lot of alone time already whilethe affair was going on to feel all the bad feelings and do a lot ofintrospection.

You know, I could be way off base but it almost sounds like maybe she
was hoping, on some level, that the discovery of the affair would
bring some serious issues to light? It's also possible that she feels
that your calm reaction is being interpreted by her as uncaring or
uninvolved. This is just theory, and I could be totally wrong. Just
a couple of thoughts which occurred to me.

Lauri in WA

I like my email spamless

Doug Anderson <ethelthelogremovethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:<2%Umc.844$iF6.129319@attbi_s02>... danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) writes: Thanks for the input - what a confusing time. We are aggressively pursuing marriage counseling. She still sticks to the story that she is afraid to be close to me now in anticipation of some coming storm from me. She is rationalizing. She may not realize that she isn't telling you the truth, but she is either feeling guilty, or whatever distance from you she felt that enabled her to have an affair in the first place is still operating and she is (consciously or unconsciously) reluctant to admit it.

Or she is implying that the husband is undeserving of sympathy in
this matter because he is the type of guy who would do cruel things to
his wife.

The thing is, I have had a lot of alone time already while the affair was going on to feel all the bad feelings and do a lot of introspection. I am not sure that I have to be angry and explode at her. How is that productive? It isn't. Don't let the silly posts about how you have to storm and rage convince you of anything.

I, at any rate, did not say that "you have to storm and rage". I
said that this whole picture screams about a serious lack of respect
shown towards him by his wife and that him making nothing but nice
only digs the hole deeper.
But I doubt that exhibiting a lot of anger would have helped in
these circumstances. If someone gets caught in an affair and does
nothing but play the victm she has written off the relationship, if
not the marriage. But she probably will not be the one to leave if he
supports her well.
In talking to her, I am more mad at how we collectively let things spiral out of control so quickly and she agrees with that. I am hopeful that a little time will let her get out whatever trash is left over in her system from this dark time and start to live and love again. Is that naive? Yes. You need more than time. You need some active intervention either on both of your parts, or together with a therapist.

Doug Anderson <ethelthelogremovethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:<2%Umc.844$iF6.129319@attbi_s02>... danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) writes: Thanks for the input - what a confusing time. We are aggressively pursuing marriage counseling. She still sticks to the story that she is afraid to be close to me now in anticipation of some coming storm from me. She is rationalizing. She may not realize that she isn't telling you the truth, but she is either feeling guilty, or whatever distance from you she felt that enabled her to have an affair in the first place is still operating and she is (consciously or unconsciously) reluctant to admit it.

Or she is implying that the husband is undeserving of sympathy in
this matter because he is the type of guy who would do cruel things to
his wife.

The thing is, I have had a lot of alone time already while the affair was going on to feel all the bad feelings and do a lot of introspection. I am not sure that I have to be angry and explode at her. How is that productive? It isn't. Don't let the silly posts about how you have to storm and rage convince you of anything.

I, at any rate, did not say that "you have to storm and rage". I
said that this whole picture screams about a serious lack of respect
shown towards him by his wife and that him making nothing but nice
only digs the hole deeper.
But I doubt that exhibiting a lot of anger would have helped in
these circumstances. If someone gets caught in an affair and does
nothing but play the victm she has written off the relationship, if
not the marriage. But she probably will not be the one to leave if he
supports her well.
In talking to her, I am more mad at how we collectively let things spiral out of control so quickly and she agrees with that. I am hopeful that a little time will let her get out whatever trash is left over in her system from this dark time and start to live and love again. Is that naive? Yes. You need more than time. You need some active intervention either on both of your parts, or together with a therapist.

indigo_ghoul@hotmail.com writes:
Doug Anderson <ethelthelogremovethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:<2%Umc.844$iF6.129319@attbi_s02>... danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) writes: Thanks for the input - what a confusing time. We are aggressively pursuing marriage counseling. She still sticks to the story that she is afraid to be close to me now in anticipation of some coming storm from me. She is rationalizing. She may not realize that she isn't telling you the truth, but she is either feeling guilty, or whatever distance from you she felt that enabled her to have an affair in the first place is still operating and she is (consciously or unconsciously) reluctant to admit it. Or she is implying that the husband is undeserving of sympathy in this matter because he is the type of guy who would do cruel things to his wife. The thing is, I have had a lot of alone time already while the affair was going on to feel all the bad feelings and do a lot of introspection. I am not sure that I have to be angry and explode at her. How is that productive? It isn't. Don't let the silly posts about how you have to storm and rage convince you of anything. I, at any rate, did not say that "you have to storm and rage". I said that this whole picture screams about a serious lack of respect shown towards him by his wife and that him making nothing but nice only digs the hole deeper. But I doubt that exhibiting a lot of anger would have helped in these circumstances. If someone gets caught in an affair and does nothing but play the victm she has written off the relationship, if not the marriage. But she probably will not be the one to leave if he supports her well.

This is very common behavior. And it doesn't necessarily imply that
the marriage is not savable.

indigo_ghoul@hotmail.com writes:
Doug Anderson <ethelthelogremovethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:<2%Umc.844$iF6.129319@attbi_s02>... danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) writes: Thanks for the input - what a confusing time. We are aggressively pursuing marriage counseling. She still sticks to the story that she is afraid to be close to me now in anticipation of some coming storm from me. She is rationalizing. She may not realize that she isn't telling you the truth, but she is either feeling guilty, or whatever distance from you she felt that enabled her to have an affair in the first place is still operating and she is (consciously or unconsciously) reluctant to admit it. Or she is implying that the husband is undeserving of sympathy in this matter because he is the type of guy who would do cruel things to his wife. The thing is, I have had a lot of alone time already while the affair was going on to feel all the bad feelings and do a lot of introspection. I am not sure that I have to be angry and explode at her. How is that productive? It isn't. Don't let the silly posts about how you have to storm and rage convince you of anything. I, at any rate, did not say that "you have to storm and rage". I said that this whole picture screams about a serious lack of respect shown towards him by his wife and that him making nothing but nice only digs the hole deeper. But I doubt that exhibiting a lot of anger would have helped in these circumstances. If someone gets caught in an affair and does nothing but play the victm she has written off the relationship, if not the marriage. But she probably will not be the one to leave if he supports her well.

This is very common behavior. And it doesn't necessarily imply that
the marriage is not savable.

"Lauri" <res0rnlr@spamlessverizon.net> wrote in message
news:0vdo901ggoavrc9ghpp771j4uk76poia7o@4ax.com... On Fri, 07 May 2004 09:47:56 GMT, "Tim and Stephanie Stowe" <stowevt@sspamotrapver.net> wrote:<indigo_ghoul@hotmail.com> wrote in message Women instinctively lose respect for a man who does not get angry at such a time. Lack of respect for you is part of the story from the affair.Female regular posters out here. Am I the only one who gets pretty tickedoff by the prevalence of this "females are." Are we really the universal*****es some of these men make us out to be? If so, why would anyone want
tomarry one of us? So they'll have something to ***** about when we buy bon-bons and jewelry for our boyfriends with the Child Support. Duh. Come visit ASD for awhile. The generalizations here in ASM will feel much, much gentler. Generally speaking, of course. ;) Lauri in WA I like my email spamless

I lurked over there briefly. Once when my marriage seemed not so hot. It
took about 2 days to convince me that divorce is not the answer. Of course,
I already knew that... but asd helped.

S

"Lauri" <res0rnlr@spamlessverizon.net> wrote in message
news:0vdo901ggoavrc9ghpp771j4uk76poia7o@4ax.com... On Fri, 07 May 2004 09:47:56 GMT, "Tim and Stephanie Stowe" <stowevt@sspamotrapver.net> wrote:<indigo_ghoul@hotmail.com> wrote in message Women instinctively lose respect for a man who does not get angry at such a time. Lack of respect for you is part of the story from the affair.Female regular posters out here. Am I the only one who gets pretty tickedoff by the prevalence of this "females are." Are we really the universal*****es some of these men make us out to be? If so, why would anyone want
tomarry one of us? So they'll have something to ***** about when we buy bon-bons and jewelry for our boyfriends with the Child Support. Duh. Come visit ASD for awhile. The generalizations here in ASM will feel much, much gentler. Generally speaking, of course. ;) Lauri in WA I like my email spamless

I lurked over there briefly. Once when my marriage seemed not so hot. It
took about 2 days to convince me that divorce is not the answer. Of course,
I already knew that... but asd helped.

S

danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) wrote in message news:<5dc1aa0.0405070716.2e0d3f73@posting.google.com>... Thanks for the input - what a confusing time. We are aggressively pursuing marriage counseling. She still sticks to the story that she is afraid to be close to me now in anticipation of some coming storm from me. The thing is, I have had a lot of alone time already while the affair was going on to feel all the bad feelings and do a lot of introspection. I am not sure that I have to be angry and explode at her. How is that productive? In talking to her, I am more mad at how we collectively let things spiral out of control so quickly and she agrees with that. I am hopeful that a little time will let her get out whatever trash is left over in her system from this dark time and start to live and love again. Is that naive? Dan


Okay, I'm really late responding to this thread, but if you're still
checking for replies, I think I can understand this. She probably
expected you would show anger, grief, disappointment, SOMETHING. When
you responded reasonably and rationally, maybe it threw her for a
loop. I know it would me!

Maybe she is nervous that you are still either 1) in shock, and
someday all of these negative emotions will come out with a big bang;
or 2) plotting your revenge, i.e., turning the other cheek as a way to
perpetually torture her and never allow her and your marriage to go
through the normal grieving and healing process.

Because I gotta say it... I don't believe your current attitude is
healthy for either of you.

*You* need to get angry and get any negative emotions out of your
system. It will come bubbling to the top someday. Better to get it out
now so you can move on.

And, just as importantly, *she* needs to be on the receiving end of
your anger, disappointment, etc. This is a part of her punishment -
taking it on the chin as she deserves - and only after punishment can
she then make proper amends to you.

When people do something wrong, it is normal and healthy to take some
sort of punishment for it. Otherwise they may feel guilty that they
got away with it too easily. I suspect your wife wants to feel your
wrath on this, because she feels she deserves it. She may harbor a lot
of guilt and you're not making it better by playing a saint with her.
I think it'd go a long way for her if you could rant, rave, cry a bit,
just so she can properly take her lumps. Your pain is her punishment.

Yes, getting angry can be productive. She wants to pay her penance,
but she can't because you're not offering one.

You might want to ask yourself if, down deep, you're not doing this on
purpose.

jen

danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) wrote in message news:<5dc1aa0.0405070716.2e0d3f73@posting.google.com>... Thanks for the input - what a confusing time. We are aggressively pursuing marriage counseling. She still sticks to the story that she is afraid to be close to me now in anticipation of some coming storm from me. The thing is, I have had a lot of alone time already while the affair was going on to feel all the bad feelings and do a lot of introspection. I am not sure that I have to be angry and explode at her. How is that productive? In talking to her, I am more mad at how we collectively let things spiral out of control so quickly and she agrees with that. I am hopeful that a little time will let her get out whatever trash is left over in her system from this dark time and start to live and love again. Is that naive? Dan


Okay, I'm really late responding to this thread, but if you're still
checking for replies, I think I can understand this. She probably
expected you would show anger, grief, disappointment, SOMETHING. When
you responded reasonably and rationally, maybe it threw her for a
loop. I know it would me!

Maybe she is nervous that you are still either 1) in shock, and
someday all of these negative emotions will come out with a big bang;
or 2) plotting your revenge, i.e., turning the other cheek as a way to
perpetually torture her and never allow her and your marriage to go
through the normal grieving and healing process.

Because I gotta say it... I don't believe your current attitude is
healthy for either of you.

*You* need to get angry and get any negative emotions out of your
system. It will come bubbling to the top someday. Better to get it out
now so you can move on.

And, just as importantly, *she* needs to be on the receiving end of
your anger, disappointment, etc. This is a part of her punishment -
taking it on the chin as she deserves - and only after punishment can
she then make proper amends to you.

When people do something wrong, it is normal and healthy to take some
sort of punishment for it. Otherwise they may feel guilty that they
got away with it too easily. I suspect your wife wants to feel your
wrath on this, because she feels she deserves it. She may harbor a lot
of guilt and you're not making it better by playing a saint with her.
I think it'd go a long way for her if you could rant, rave, cry a bit,
just so she can properly take her lumps. Your pain is her punishment.

Yes, getting angry can be productive. She wants to pay her penance,
but she can't because you're not offering one.

You might want to ask yourself if, down deep, you're not doing this on
purpose.

jen

danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) wrote in message news:<5dc1aa0.0405070716.2e0d3f73@posting.google.com>... Thanks for the input - what a confusing time. We are aggressively pursuing marriage counseling. She still sticks to the story that she is afraid to be close to me now in anticipation of some coming storm from me. The thing is, I have had a lot of alone time already while the affair was going on to feel all the bad feelings and do a lot of introspection. I am not sure that I have to be angry and explode at her. How is that productive? In talking to her, I am more mad at how we collectively let things spiral out of control so quickly and she agrees with that. I am hopeful that a little time will let her get out whatever trash is left over in her system from this dark time and start to live and love again. Is that naive? Dan


Okay, I'm really late responding to this thread, but if you're still
checking for replies, I think I can understand this. She probably
expected you would show anger, grief, disappointment, SOMETHING. When
you responded reasonably and rationally, maybe it threw her for a
loop. I know it would me!

Maybe she is nervous that you are still either 1) in shock, and
someday all of these negative emotions will come out with a big bang;
or 2) plotting your revenge, i.e., turning the other cheek as a way to
perpetually torture her and never allow her and your marriage to go
through the normal grieving and healing process.

Because I gotta say it... I don't believe your current attitude is
healthy for either of you.

*You* need to get angry and get any negative emotions out of your
system. It will come bubbling to the top someday. Better to get it out
now so you can move on.

And, just as importantly, *she* needs to be on the receiving end of
your anger, disappointment, etc. This is a part of her punishment -
taking it on the chin as she deserves - and only after punishment can
she then make proper amends to you.

When people do something wrong, it is normal and healthy to take some
sort of punishment for it. Otherwise they may feel guilty that they
got away with it too easily. I suspect your wife wants to feel your
wrath on this, because she feels she deserves it. She may harbor a lot
of guilt and you're not making it better by playing a saint with her.
I think it'd go a long way for her if you could rant, rave, cry a bit,
just so she can properly take her lumps. Your pain is her punishment.

Yes, getting angry can be productive. She wants to pay her penance,
but she can't because you're not offering one.

You might want to ask yourself if, down deep, you're not doing this on
purpose.

jen

danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) wrote in message news:<5dc1aa0.0405070716.2e0d3f73@posting.google.com>... Thanks for the input - what a confusing time. We are aggressively pursuing marriage counseling. She still sticks to the story that she is afraid to be close to me now in anticipation of some coming storm from me. The thing is, I have had a lot of alone time already while the affair was going on to feel all the bad feelings and do a lot of introspection. I am not sure that I have to be angry and explode at her. How is that productive? In talking to her, I am more mad at how we collectively let things spiral out of control so quickly and she agrees with that. I am hopeful that a little time will let her get out whatever trash is left over in her system from this dark time and start to live and love again. Is that naive? Dan


Okay, I'm really late responding to this thread, but if you're still
checking for replies, I think I can understand this. She probably
expected you would show anger, grief, disappointment, SOMETHING. When
you responded reasonably and rationally, maybe it threw her for a
loop. I know it would me!

Maybe she is nervous that you are still either 1) in shock, and
someday all of these negative emotions will come out with a big bang;
or 2) plotting your revenge, i.e., turning the other cheek as a way to
perpetually torture her and never allow her and your marriage to go
through the normal grieving and healing process.

Because I gotta say it... I don't believe your current attitude is
healthy for either of you.

*You* need to get angry and get any negative emotions out of your
system. It will come bubbling to the top someday. Better to get it out
now so you can move on.

And, just as importantly, *she* needs to be on the receiving end of
your anger, disappointment, etc. This is a part of her punishment -
taking it on the chin as she deserves - and only after punishment can
she then make proper amends to you.

When people do something wrong, it is normal and healthy to take some
sort of punishment for it. Otherwise they may feel guilty that they
got away with it too easily. I suspect your wife wants to feel your
wrath on this, because she feels she deserves it. She may harbor a lot
of guilt and you're not making it better by playing a saint with her.
I think it'd go a long way for her if you could rant, rave, cry a bit,
just so she can properly take her lumps. Your pain is her punishment.

Yes, getting angry can be productive. She wants to pay her penance,
but she can't because you're not offering one.

You might want to ask yourself if, down deep, you're not doing this on
purpose.

jen

shinypenny0001@yahoo.com (shinypenny) wrote in message news:<c8cb5319.0405111209.f6d24ac@posting.google.com>... danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) wrote in message Okay, I'm really late responding to this thread, but if you're still checking for replies, I think I can understand this. She probably expected you would show anger, grief, disappointment, SOMETHING. When you responded reasonably and rationally, maybe it threw her for a loop. I know it would me! Maybe she is nervous that you are still either 1) in shock, and someday all of these negative emotions will come out with a big bang; or 2) plotting your revenge, i.e., turning the other cheek as a way to perpetually torture her and never allow her and your marriage to go through the normal grieving and healing process. Because I gotta say it... I don't believe your current attitude is healthy for either of you. *You* need to get angry and get any negative emotions out of your system. It will come bubbling to the top someday. Better to get it out now so you can move on. (snip)

I find your opinion incomprehensible. Literally.

I am married. I don't think my wife cheats on me (I never checked),
but I know I would not be angry at her if she did and came back (as is
the case here). I'm just like that.

You are assuming that all men think like you do. Such is not the case.

Now, you may be right in assuming that the woman in question thinks
like you do. That she expects that her man should get angry at her. I
only object to your advice above: "I don't believe your current
attitude is healthy for either of you."

shinypenny0001@yahoo.com (shinypenny) wrote in message news:<c8cb5319.0405111209.f6d24ac@posting.google.com>... danoh3@hotmail.com (Dan) wrote in message Okay, I'm really late responding to this thread, but if you're still checking for replies, I think I can understand this. She probably expected you would show anger, grief, disappointment, SOMETHING. When you responded reasonably and rationally, maybe it threw her for a loop. I know it would me! Maybe she is nervous that you are still either 1) in shock, and someday all of these negative emotions will come out with a big bang; or 2) plotting your revenge, i.e., turning the other cheek as a way to perpetually torture her and never allow her and your marriage to go through the normal grieving and healing process. Because I gotta say it... I don't believe your current attitude is healthy for either of you. *You* need to get angry and get any negative emotions out of your system. It will come bubbling to the top someday. Better to get it out now so you can move on. (snip)

I find your opinion incomprehensible. Literally.

I am married. I don't think my wife cheats on me (I never checked),
but I know I would not be angry at her if she did and came back (as is
the case here). I'm just like that.

You are assuming that all men think like you do. Such is not the case.

Now, you may be right in assuming that the woman in question thinks
like you do. That she expects that her man should get angry at her. I
only object to your advice above: "I don't believe your current
attitude is healthy for either of you."