We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years ago
to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to 3
days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so that
we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have
been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which her
mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part of
my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's.
My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for her,
the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime is
so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving out
there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once.
They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now
it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls
all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her first
grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a
feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she is
now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she
did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the sake
of my daughter knowing her family.


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"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:109cllf1vvd4v3f@corp.supernews.com... We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years
ago to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to
3 days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so
that we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which
her mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part
of my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's. My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for
her, the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime
is so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving
out there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once. They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her
first grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she
is now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the
sake of my daughter knowing her family.

your wife's family also must be included when you say "my daughter knowing
her family". You seem to think that your family is "better" than hers (why
else mention the multiple marriages).

You married your wife's family as well as your wife. You really should have
thought of that before having kids with her. If family is so important to
you, why didn't you marry someone in your hometown?

"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:109cllf1vvd4v3f@corp.supernews.com... We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years
ago to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to
3 days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so
that we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which
her mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part
of my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's. My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for
her, the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime
is so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving
out there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once. They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her
first grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she
is now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the
sake of my daughter knowing her family.

your wife's family also must be included when you say "my daughter knowing
her family". You seem to think that your family is "better" than hers (why
else mention the multiple marriages).

You married your wife's family as well as your wife. You really should have
thought of that before having kids with her. If family is so important to
you, why didn't you marry someone in your hometown?

"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:109cllf1vvd4v3f@corp.supernews.com... We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years
ago to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to
3 days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so
that we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which
her mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part
of my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's. My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for
her, the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime
is so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving
out there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once. They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her
first grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she
is now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the
sake of my daughter knowing her family.


Maybe you could clarify a bit: How did the subject of moving come up? Is
your wife unhappy where you are now? Are you financially stable where you
are now? How does your family and your wife get along?
On thing I noticed throughout your post is that you seem to feel that your
family is more important than your wife's, which is wrong. You say "for the
sake of my daughter knowing her family", but your wife's family is your
daughters family every bit as much as yours is.
Moving is hard, and if you move again, it should be to a place you've chosen
because you feel you would be happy and successful there. And when I say
you, I mean you and your wife. Deciding together. List the pros and cons.
Maybe the solution lies in moving somewhere in between. Don't make up
reasons, but rather look at the facts. For example, you say that crime is
much more abundant in New Mexico, but St Louis has a personal crime rate
that is 5 times the national average. You don't say where you lived in New
Mexico, but Albequerque is 2 times. Gallup is on par with the national
average. Santa Fe is half the national average. As for schools, there are
good and bad schools in every community. The trick is doing your research
before your daughter is old enough to attend.
My point is, you seem to be looking for reasons to stay where you are
because *you* are happier near your family, not necessarily because the
reasons are the real issues. This isn't "bad" in and of itself, but you need
to take into consideration the happiness of your family as well and work
with your wife to come up with a solution that suits you both.

kimberly

"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:109cllf1vvd4v3f@corp.supernews.com... We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years
ago to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to
3 days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so
that we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which
her mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part
of my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's. My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for
her, the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime
is so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving
out there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once. They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her
first grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she
is now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the
sake of my daughter knowing her family.


Maybe you could clarify a bit: How did the subject of moving come up? Is
your wife unhappy where you are now? Are you financially stable where you
are now? How does your family and your wife get along?
On thing I noticed throughout your post is that you seem to feel that your
family is more important than your wife's, which is wrong. You say "for the
sake of my daughter knowing her family", but your wife's family is your
daughters family every bit as much as yours is.
Moving is hard, and if you move again, it should be to a place you've chosen
because you feel you would be happy and successful there. And when I say
you, I mean you and your wife. Deciding together. List the pros and cons.
Maybe the solution lies in moving somewhere in between. Don't make up
reasons, but rather look at the facts. For example, you say that crime is
much more abundant in New Mexico, but St Louis has a personal crime rate
that is 5 times the national average. You don't say where you lived in New
Mexico, but Albequerque is 2 times. Gallup is on par with the national
average. Santa Fe is half the national average. As for schools, there are
good and bad schools in every community. The trick is doing your research
before your daughter is old enough to attend.
My point is, you seem to be looking for reasons to stay where you are
because *you* are happier near your family, not necessarily because the
reasons are the real issues. This isn't "bad" in and of itself, but you need
to take into consideration the happiness of your family as well and work
with your wife to come up with a solution that suits you both.

kimberly

"Nexis" <nexis1@cox.net> writes:
"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:109cllf1vvd4v3f@corp.supernews.com... We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years ago to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to 3 days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so that we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which her mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part of my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's. My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for her, the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime is so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving out there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once. They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her first grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she is now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the sake of my daughter knowing her family. Maybe you could clarify a bit: How did the subject of moving come up? Is your wife unhappy where you are now? Are you financially stable where you are now? How does your family and your wife get along? On thing I noticed throughout your post is that you seem to feel that your family is more important than your wife's, which is wrong. You say "for the sake of my daughter knowing her family", but your wife's family is your daughters family every bit as much as yours is. Moving is hard, and if you move again, it should be to a place you've chosen because you feel you would be happy and successful there. And when I say you, I mean you and your wife. Deciding together. List the pros and cons.

Yes.
Maybe the solution lies in moving somewhere in between.

Probably not. If you are a long traveling distance from both
families, then it is hard to get much help. One big thing I'd look at
is which family is actually more likely to be helpful with the
day-to-day issues around having children. My wife and I didn't live
near either of our families when our children were born, and then we
moved even further away.

But if we were to have chosen where to live based on whose family to
be near, it would have been mine since my parents are both more
excited about their grandchildren, and more inclined to help out.

Don't make up reasons, but rather look at the facts. For example, you say that crime is much more abundant in New Mexico, but St Louis has a personal crime rate that is 5 times the national average. You don't say where you lived in New Mexico, but Albequerque is 2 times. Gallup is on par with the national average. Santa Fe is half the national average. As for schools, there are good and bad schools in every community. The trick is doing your research before your daughter is old enough to attend. My point is, you seem to be looking for reasons to stay where you are because *you* are happier near your family, not necessarily because the reasons are the real issues. This isn't "bad" in and of itself, but you need to take into consideration the happiness of your family as well and work with your wife to come up with a solution that suits you both.

The rest of this makes sense.

"Nexis" <nexis1@cox.net> writes:
"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:109cllf1vvd4v3f@corp.supernews.com... We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years ago to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to 3 days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so that we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which her mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part of my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's. My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for her, the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime is so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving out there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once. They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her first grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she is now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the sake of my daughter knowing her family. Maybe you could clarify a bit: How did the subject of moving come up? Is your wife unhappy where you are now? Are you financially stable where you are now? How does your family and your wife get along? On thing I noticed throughout your post is that you seem to feel that your family is more important than your wife's, which is wrong. You say "for the sake of my daughter knowing her family", but your wife's family is your daughters family every bit as much as yours is. Moving is hard, and if you move again, it should be to a place you've chosen because you feel you would be happy and successful there. And when I say you, I mean you and your wife. Deciding together. List the pros and cons.

Yes.
Maybe the solution lies in moving somewhere in between.

Probably not. If you are a long traveling distance from both
families, then it is hard to get much help. One big thing I'd look at
is which family is actually more likely to be helpful with the
day-to-day issues around having children. My wife and I didn't live
near either of our families when our children were born, and then we
moved even further away.

But if we were to have chosen where to live based on whose family to
be near, it would have been mine since my parents are both more
excited about their grandchildren, and more inclined to help out.

Don't make up reasons, but rather look at the facts. For example, you say that crime is much more abundant in New Mexico, but St Louis has a personal crime rate that is 5 times the national average. You don't say where you lived in New Mexico, but Albequerque is 2 times. Gallup is on par with the national average. Santa Fe is half the national average. As for schools, there are good and bad schools in every community. The trick is doing your research before your daughter is old enough to attend. My point is, you seem to be looking for reasons to stay where you are because *you* are happier near your family, not necessarily because the reasons are the real issues. This isn't "bad" in and of itself, but you need to take into consideration the happiness of your family as well and work with your wife to come up with a solution that suits you both.

The rest of this makes sense.

Because we were both in the military, so I was rarely in my hometown. I am
no longer in the military, but she is. My daughter will have no one her age
to play with out there, where here she has 6 cousins she'll probably never
get to see more than once a year.
I love my wife's family, I do. But it's a little unfair for her to want
to move back to a lesser quality of life to satisfy her own needs and wants.
We moved here because it was neutral.


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Because we were both in the military, so I was rarely in my hometown. I am
no longer in the military, but she is. My daughter will have no one her age
to play with out there, where here she has 6 cousins she'll probably never
get to see more than once a year.
I love my wife's family, I do. But it's a little unfair for her to want
to move back to a lesser quality of life to satisfy her own needs and wants.
We moved here because it was neutral.


---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
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"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> writes:
Because we were both in the military, so I was rarely in my hometown. I am no longer in the military, but she is. My daughter will have no one her age to play with out there, where here she has 6 cousins she'll probably never get to see more than once a year.

There are no children your daughter's age "out there?" I knew the
west was primitive, but I didn't realize we'd stoppped reproducing
too.
I love my wife's family, I do. But it's a little unfair for her to want to move back to a lesser quality of life to satisfy her own needs and wants.

But maybe she things it is a higher quality of life! Perhaps being
near her family is important to her quality of life.
We moved here because it was neutral.

Two things:

1) nothing is ever really neutral, and if it was that is a bad reason
to decide to live somewhere.

2) your certainty that _you_ are correct will prevent you and your
wife from ever resolving this in a good way.

"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> writes:
Because we were both in the military, so I was rarely in my hometown. I am no longer in the military, but she is. My daughter will have no one her age to play with out there, where here she has 6 cousins she'll probably never get to see more than once a year.

There are no children your daughter's age "out there?" I knew the
west was primitive, but I didn't realize we'd stoppped reproducing
too.
I love my wife's family, I do. But it's a little unfair for her to want to move back to a lesser quality of life to satisfy her own needs and wants.

But maybe she things it is a higher quality of life! Perhaps being
near her family is important to her quality of life.
We moved here because it was neutral.

Two things:

1) nothing is ever really neutral, and if it was that is a bad reason
to decide to live somewhere.

2) your certainty that _you_ are correct will prevent you and your
wife from ever resolving this in a good way.

I'll admit, I am happier here, but it has nothing to do with my family
being closer, it has to do with our location and the quality of life here.
Albuquerque is where we lived for 2 years before moving out here. She grew
up there. My folks live near Chicago. We don't live IN St. Louis, there is
virtually no crime here because we live ON Scott AFB in Illinois. We've
been here for almost 2 years, and we have great friends and a nice house
here on base. The reason behind the possible move is because of a job
opening there, same pay, just lesser quality of life, poor school district,
rougher kids(gangs are more abundant there). Don't get me wrong, I loved
ABQ when we lived there, such a laid back atmosphere, but not really a good
place to raise kids.
The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because of a
sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that she
is not happy here.
If we were to move out there, my wife's family consists of a college age
brother, and her mom, who live separately, but still, compare that to all my
family who may not have as much money as her mom does to throw around, but
still makes it known how much they love her. My wife has been raised in a
household where money buys happiness, money buys love. That never has been
or ever will be the case with my family, and maybe I do show a little
resentment towards her family in that sense, but that's because of my morale
upbringing.


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I'll admit, I am happier here, but it has nothing to do with my family
being closer, it has to do with our location and the quality of life here.
Albuquerque is where we lived for 2 years before moving out here. She grew
up there. My folks live near Chicago. We don't live IN St. Louis, there is
virtually no crime here because we live ON Scott AFB in Illinois. We've
been here for almost 2 years, and we have great friends and a nice house
here on base. The reason behind the possible move is because of a job
opening there, same pay, just lesser quality of life, poor school district,
rougher kids(gangs are more abundant there). Don't get me wrong, I loved
ABQ when we lived there, such a laid back atmosphere, but not really a good
place to raise kids.
The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because of a
sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that she
is not happy here.
If we were to move out there, my wife's family consists of a college age
brother, and her mom, who live separately, but still, compare that to all my
family who may not have as much money as her mom does to throw around, but
still makes it known how much they love her. My wife has been raised in a
household where money buys happiness, money buys love. That never has been
or ever will be the case with my family, and maybe I do show a little
resentment towards her family in that sense, but that's because of my morale
upbringing.


---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
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"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> writes:
I'll admit, I am happier here, but it has nothing to do with my family being closer, it has to do with our location and the quality of life here. Albuquerque is where we lived for 2 years before moving out here. She grew up there. My folks live near Chicago. We don't live IN St. Louis, there is virtually no crime here because we live ON Scott AFB in Illinois. We've been here for almost 2 years, and we have great friends and a nice house here on base. The reason behind the possible move is because of a job opening there, same pay, just lesser quality of life, poor school district, rougher kids(gangs are more abundant there). Don't get me wrong, I loved ABQ when we lived there, such a laid back atmosphere, but not really a good place to raise kids. The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because of a sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that she is not happy here. If we were to move out there, my wife's family consists of a college age brother, and her mom, who live separately, but still, compare that to all my family who may not have as much money as her mom does to throw around, but still makes it known how much they love her. My wife has been raised in a household where money buys happiness, money buys love. That never has been or ever will be the case with my family, and maybe I do show a little resentment towards her family in that sense, but that's because of my morale upbringing.

My prediction? Your "morale" upbringing will lead to a divorce within
5 years.

None of us can know whether the move is right for your family or not.
What I do see is that you completely discount your wife's reasons for
wanting to move. You blame them on "her mother constantly seeding the
idea in her head that she is not happy."

If this is true (that your wife is too immature to know what she wants
and whether she is happy) then you're in trouble. If it is false,
then you are being incredibly disrespectful by thinking of your wife
as a child who can't possibly know what would _really_ make her happy.

You are also disrespectful toward her family. You imply that their
values are about money only, and your family is more moral. Maybe
this is warranted, but I bet you'd be upset if your wife thought of
your family with similar disrespect.


Guess what? You aren't going to find a happy resolution to this by
being "right." Your only chance is to take each other seriously and
try to weigh the pros and cons. You aren't taking your wife seriously
(I don't know if she is taking you seriously).

"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> writes:
I'll admit, I am happier here, but it has nothing to do with my family being closer, it has to do with our location and the quality of life here. Albuquerque is where we lived for 2 years before moving out here. She grew up there. My folks live near Chicago. We don't live IN St. Louis, there is virtually no crime here because we live ON Scott AFB in Illinois. We've been here for almost 2 years, and we have great friends and a nice house here on base. The reason behind the possible move is because of a job opening there, same pay, just lesser quality of life, poor school district, rougher kids(gangs are more abundant there). Don't get me wrong, I loved ABQ when we lived there, such a laid back atmosphere, but not really a good place to raise kids. The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because of a sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that she is not happy here. If we were to move out there, my wife's family consists of a college age brother, and her mom, who live separately, but still, compare that to all my family who may not have as much money as her mom does to throw around, but still makes it known how much they love her. My wife has been raised in a household where money buys happiness, money buys love. That never has been or ever will be the case with my family, and maybe I do show a little resentment towards her family in that sense, but that's because of my morale upbringing.

My prediction? Your "morale" upbringing will lead to a divorce within
5 years.

None of us can know whether the move is right for your family or not.
What I do see is that you completely discount your wife's reasons for
wanting to move. You blame them on "her mother constantly seeding the
idea in her head that she is not happy."

If this is true (that your wife is too immature to know what she wants
and whether she is happy) then you're in trouble. If it is false,
then you are being incredibly disrespectful by thinking of your wife
as a child who can't possibly know what would _really_ make her happy.

You are also disrespectful toward her family. You imply that their
values are about money only, and your family is more moral. Maybe
this is warranted, but I bet you'd be upset if your wife thought of
your family with similar disrespect.


Guess what? You aren't going to find a happy resolution to this by
being "right." Your only chance is to take each other seriously and
try to weigh the pros and cons. You aren't taking your wife seriously
(I don't know if she is taking you seriously).

On Mon, 3 May 2004 11:53:55 -0500, Favre for President '04
<amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote: Because we were both in the military, so I was rarely in my hometown. I am no longer in the military, but she is. My daughter will have no one her age to play with out there, where here she has 6 cousins she'll probably never get to see more than once a year. I love my wife's family, I do. But it's a little unfair for her to want to move back to a lesser quality of life to satisfy her own needs and wants. We moved here because it was neutral.

My wife and I discussed where we would live before we were married. We
were from home towns about 10 miles apart. Both of us had family here.
Her dad dies a couple of years ago, and my parents moved to Florida, but
I'm willing to live here because we've carved out a life for ourself.

Sure, I could make a lot more money if we moved, but my wife's mom (and my
parents) aren't going to be around forever and each visit we can get in
before they leave us is precious.

When they're gone (and the kids are grown) we may decide on something
else. But for now we're staying put.

-Tony

--
"If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's time
to fertilize your lawn!"
Want to jump start your marriage? Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend.
Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information.

On Mon, 3 May 2004 11:53:55 -0500, Favre for President '04
<amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote: Because we were both in the military, so I was rarely in my hometown. I am no longer in the military, but she is. My daughter will have no one her age to play with out there, where here she has 6 cousins she'll probably never get to see more than once a year. I love my wife's family, I do. But it's a little unfair for her to want to move back to a lesser quality of life to satisfy her own needs and wants. We moved here because it was neutral.

My wife and I discussed where we would live before we were married. We
were from home towns about 10 miles apart. Both of us had family here.
Her dad dies a couple of years ago, and my parents moved to Florida, but
I'm willing to live here because we've carved out a life for ourself.

Sure, I could make a lot more money if we moved, but my wife's mom (and my
parents) aren't going to be around forever and each visit we can get in
before they leave us is precious.

When they're gone (and the kids are grown) we may decide on something
else. But for now we're staying put.

-Tony

--
"If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's time
to fertilize your lawn!"
Want to jump start your marriage? Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend.
Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information.

Favre for President '04 <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote:
I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the sake of my daughter knowing her family.

Neither. You need to live in a place you amd your wife are both happy
with. This black and white thinking (I'm right or she's right) will not
help you find that place. Or solve any other problem, for that matter.

Favre for President '04 <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote:
I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the sake of my daughter knowing her family.

Neither. You need to live in a place you amd your wife are both happy
with. This black and white thinking (I'm right or she's right) will not
help you find that place. Or solve any other problem, for that matter.

"Tony Miller" <tony@cigardiary.com> wrote in message
news:slrnc9d25h.gbj.tony@home.cigardiary.com... On Mon, 3 May 2004 11:53:55 -0500, Favre for President '04 <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote: Because we were both in the military, so I was rarely in my hometown. I
am no longer in the military, but she is. My daughter will have no one her
age to play with out there, where here she has 6 cousins she'll probably
never get to see more than once a year. I love my wife's family, I do. But it's a little unfair for her to
want to move back to a lesser quality of life to satisfy her own needs and
wants. We moved here because it was neutral. My wife and I discussed where we would live before we were married. We were from home towns about 10 miles apart. Both of us had family here. Her dad dies a couple of years ago, and my parents moved to Florida, but I'm willing to live here because we've carved out a life for ourself. Sure, I could make a lot more money if we moved, but my wife's mom (and my parents) aren't going to be around forever and each visit we can get in before they leave us is precious. When they're gone (and the kids are grown) we may decide on something else. But for now we're staying put. -Tony

I just wanted to pop in here and commend you for your attitude on the
subject. I think it's wonderful that you realize how precious time spent
with loved ones can be. I was very impressed by your post, not that that
would be your reason for writing it. I just wanted to say that.

kimberly

"Tony Miller" <tony@cigardiary.com> wrote in message
news:slrnc9d25h.gbj.tony@home.cigardiary.com... On Mon, 3 May 2004 11:53:55 -0500, Favre for President '04 <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote: Because we were both in the military, so I was rarely in my hometown. I
am no longer in the military, but she is. My daughter will have no one her
age to play with out there, where here she has 6 cousins she'll probably
never get to see more than once a year. I love my wife's family, I do. But it's a little unfair for her to
want to move back to a lesser quality of life to satisfy her own needs and
wants. We moved here because it was neutral. My wife and I discussed where we would live before we were married. We were from home towns about 10 miles apart. Both of us had family here. Her dad dies a couple of years ago, and my parents moved to Florida, but I'm willing to live here because we've carved out a life for ourself. Sure, I could make a lot more money if we moved, but my wife's mom (and my parents) aren't going to be around forever and each visit we can get in before they leave us is precious. When they're gone (and the kids are grown) we may decide on something else. But for now we're staying put. -Tony

I just wanted to pop in here and commend you for your attitude on the
subject. I think it's wonderful that you realize how precious time spent
with loved ones can be. I was very impressed by your post, not that that
would be your reason for writing it. I just wanted to say that.

kimberly

"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:109cu9es6q53t1e@corp.supernews.com... Because we were both in the military, so I was rarely in my hometown. I
am no longer in the military, but she is. My daughter will have no one her
age to play with out there, where here she has 6 cousins she'll probably never get to see more than once a year.

Honey, there are plenty of 6 year olds in Albequerque. And 5 yr olds, and 7
yr olds...get the point? The assertion that your daughter would have no one
her age to play with is ridiculous. As I said in my other response, you're
making excuses to back up your desire to stay put. They're not *real*
reasons, but they look good on paper, so to speak...at least to you.
I love my wife's family, I do. But it's a little unfair for her to want to move back to a lesser quality of life to satisfy her own needs and
wants. We moved here because it was neutral.

If you love them, then perhaps you shouldn't be so quick to discount their
love for your family, and maybe stop looking down your nose at them. Lesser
quality of life? By what measures? To say there's no crime because you live
on base is nonsense. There is crime on and around military bases my friend.
And you can't even tell me that you don't leave the base.
All of your posts have gone on about your needs and wants, so why is it
unfair for your wife to have her own needs and wants? Do you care about her
happiness?
As for it being "neutral", it isn't neutral at all. You want to stay near
your family, which is understandable, but be a man and say so instead of
hiding behind all of these ridiculous assertions that aren't even true. Like
I said, you need to stop thinking in terms of what *you* want, and start
thinking in terms of what will make you AND your wife happy.

kimberly

"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:109cu9es6q53t1e@corp.supernews.com... Because we were both in the military, so I was rarely in my hometown. I
am no longer in the military, but she is. My daughter will have no one her
age to play with out there, where here she has 6 cousins she'll probably never get to see more than once a year.

Honey, there are plenty of 6 year olds in Albequerque. And 5 yr olds, and 7
yr olds...get the point? The assertion that your daughter would have no one
her age to play with is ridiculous. As I said in my other response, you're
making excuses to back up your desire to stay put. They're not *real*
reasons, but they look good on paper, so to speak...at least to you.
I love my wife's family, I do. But it's a little unfair for her to want to move back to a lesser quality of life to satisfy her own needs and
wants. We moved here because it was neutral.

If you love them, then perhaps you shouldn't be so quick to discount their
love for your family, and maybe stop looking down your nose at them. Lesser
quality of life? By what measures? To say there's no crime because you live
on base is nonsense. There is crime on and around military bases my friend.
And you can't even tell me that you don't leave the base.
All of your posts have gone on about your needs and wants, so why is it
unfair for your wife to have her own needs and wants? Do you care about her
happiness?
As for it being "neutral", it isn't neutral at all. You want to stay near
your family, which is understandable, but be a man and say so instead of
hiding behind all of these ridiculous assertions that aren't even true. Like
I said, you need to stop thinking in terms of what *you* want, and start
thinking in terms of what will make you AND your wife happy.

kimberly

"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:109cv0da0of299b@corp.supernews.com... I'll admit, I am happier here, but it has nothing to do with my family being closer, it has to do with our location and the quality of life here. Albuquerque is where we lived for 2 years before moving out here. She
grew up there. My folks live near Chicago. We don't live IN St. Louis, there
is virtually no crime here because we live ON Scott AFB in Illinois. We've been here for almost 2 years, and we have great friends and a nice house here on base. The reason behind the possible move is because of a job opening there, same pay, just lesser quality of life, poor school
district, rougher kids(gangs are more abundant there). Don't get me wrong, I loved ABQ when we lived there, such a laid back atmosphere, but not really a
good place to raise kids.

First, there is no place where there is virtually no crime. There is less
crime, and more crime, not no crime. And there is plenty of crime in the
areas surrounding you, and I know that there is also crime on and around
military bases, including yours. St. Louis, and many areas of Illinois as
well, have plenty of gang problems. As for school districts, there are many
options available. You don't have to live in the same neighborhood as you
did previously, either. There are suburbs in NM too.
The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because of
a sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that
she is not happy here.

So you see the way you discount your wife's concerns and feelings here? You
act as if her ailing grandmother is slightly more than trivial, and make
assumptions about her mother. It doesn't even occur to you that perhaps your
wife's feelings are her own.
If we were to move out there, my wife's family consists of a college age brother, and her mom, who live separately, but still, compare that to all
my family who may not have as much money as her mom does to throw around, but still makes it known how much they love her. My wife has been raised in a household where money buys happiness, money buys love. That never has
been or ever will be the case with my family, and maybe I do show a little resentment towards her family in that sense, but that's because of my
morale upbringing.

I don't know if you intend it to sound this way or not, but the prevailing
sentiment in all of your posts in this thread has been that you think your
family is better than hers, and I am beginning to believe that is where the
true issue lies in this matter. You assume the relationship between your
wife and her mother is about money, but it money doesn't equal proximity.
Sounds to me as if you are resentful that her family has/had more money than
yours, which is entirely *your* issue, and you have no business punishing
them for it, IMO. You've already stated that your family is your daughters
family and completely omitted your wife's family from the equation.
BTW, money and morals are two entirely separate issues, despite the oft
quoted phrase about money being the root of all evil. Your "morale" and your
morals, they are separate too. Why do you assume that because your wife's
family had money that they were somehow less moral than yourself?

It is understandable to love your family and to feel closer to your own
family than your wife's. It is not understandable, however, to put them down
and act as if you're better than they are and your family is too. It is not
understandable to completely discount your wife's views, feelings, wants,
and needs.

When you can admit the *real* reasons for your resistance to moving, then
maybe the two of you can speak about it and come to a compromise or
solution.

kimberly

"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:109cv0da0of299b@corp.supernews.com... I'll admit, I am happier here, but it has nothing to do with my family being closer, it has to do with our location and the quality of life here. Albuquerque is where we lived for 2 years before moving out here. She
grew up there. My folks live near Chicago. We don't live IN St. Louis, there
is virtually no crime here because we live ON Scott AFB in Illinois. We've been here for almost 2 years, and we have great friends and a nice house here on base. The reason behind the possible move is because of a job opening there, same pay, just lesser quality of life, poor school
district, rougher kids(gangs are more abundant there). Don't get me wrong, I loved ABQ when we lived there, such a laid back atmosphere, but not really a
good place to raise kids.

First, there is no place where there is virtually no crime. There is less
crime, and more crime, not no crime. And there is plenty of crime in the
areas surrounding you, and I know that there is also crime on and around
military bases, including yours. St. Louis, and many areas of Illinois as
well, have plenty of gang problems. As for school districts, there are many
options available. You don't have to live in the same neighborhood as you
did previously, either. There are suburbs in NM too.
The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because of
a sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that
she is not happy here.

So you see the way you discount your wife's concerns and feelings here? You
act as if her ailing grandmother is slightly more than trivial, and make
assumptions about her mother. It doesn't even occur to you that perhaps your
wife's feelings are her own.
If we were to move out there, my wife's family consists of a college age brother, and her mom, who live separately, but still, compare that to all
my family who may not have as much money as her mom does to throw around, but still makes it known how much they love her. My wife has been raised in a household where money buys happiness, money buys love. That never has
been or ever will be the case with my family, and maybe I do show a little resentment towards her family in that sense, but that's because of my
morale upbringing.

I don't know if you intend it to sound this way or not, but the prevailing
sentiment in all of your posts in this thread has been that you think your
family is better than hers, and I am beginning to believe that is where the
true issue lies in this matter. You assume the relationship between your
wife and her mother is about money, but it money doesn't equal proximity.
Sounds to me as if you are resentful that her family has/had more money than
yours, which is entirely *your* issue, and you have no business punishing
them for it, IMO. You've already stated that your family is your daughters
family and completely omitted your wife's family from the equation.
BTW, money and morals are two entirely separate issues, despite the oft
quoted phrase about money being the root of all evil. Your "morale" and your
morals, they are separate too. Why do you assume that because your wife's
family had money that they were somehow less moral than yourself?

It is understandable to love your family and to feel closer to your own
family than your wife's. It is not understandable, however, to put them down
and act as if you're better than they are and your family is too. It is not
understandable to completely discount your wife's views, feelings, wants,
and needs.

When you can admit the *real* reasons for your resistance to moving, then
maybe the two of you can speak about it and come to a compromise or
solution.

kimberly

"Nexis" <nexis1@cox.net> wrote in message
news:_Gwlc.11684$k24.3333@fed1read01... "Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:109cv0da0of299b@corp.supernews.com...
The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because
of a sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that she is not happy here. So you see the way you discount your wife's concerns and feelings here?
You act as if her ailing grandmother is slightly more than trivial, and make assumptions about her mother. It doesn't even occur to you that perhaps
your wife's feelings are her own.


To be fair, *moving* for a sick grandmother who likely won't be around in
ten years is not a good move, imho. I know it sounds cold, but the
grandmother should not be a factor at all. In the reality of life, it *is*
somewhat trivial.

I agree with the rest of your post.

JWB

"Nexis" <nexis1@cox.net> wrote in message
news:_Gwlc.11684$k24.3333@fed1read01... "Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:109cv0da0of299b@corp.supernews.com...
The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because
of a sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that she is not happy here. So you see the way you discount your wife's concerns and feelings here?
You act as if her ailing grandmother is slightly more than trivial, and make assumptions about her mother. It doesn't even occur to you that perhaps
your wife's feelings are her own.


To be fair, *moving* for a sick grandmother who likely won't be around in
ten years is not a good move, imho. I know it sounds cold, but the
grandmother should not be a factor at all. In the reality of life, it *is*
somewhat trivial.

I agree with the rest of your post.

JWB

Ok, before jumping down my throat, you need to read my previous posts. My
wife was not happy in New Mexico, hence the reason we decided to move here,
it was an equal decision. Anyway, I am not hiding behind anything, there's
the facts, Albuquerque is a poor city, the base we live on now suffices all
of OUR needs. My wife is unhappy here because she has been homesick for the
past 2 years, and he mother doesn't make her feel any better about it.


---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
Version: 6.0.672 / Virus Database: 434 - Release Date: 4/28/2004

Ok, before jumping down my throat, you need to read my previous posts. My
wife was not happy in New Mexico, hence the reason we decided to move here,
it was an equal decision. Anyway, I am not hiding behind anything, there's
the facts, Albuquerque is a poor city, the base we live on now suffices all
of OUR needs. My wife is unhappy here because she has been homesick for the
past 2 years, and he mother doesn't make her feel any better about it.


---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
Version: 6.0.672 / Virus Database: 434 - Release Date: 4/28/2004

"JWB" <tom12409x@servo3.com actually, my e-mail is jwb3333 at excite dot
com> wrote in message news:PRwlc.35577$mX.12456569@twister.nyc.rr.com... "Nexis" <nexis1@cox.net> wrote in message news:_Gwlc.11684$k24.3333@fed1read01... "Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:109cv0da0of299b@corp.supernews.com... The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because of a sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head
that she is not happy here. So you see the way you discount your wife's concerns and feelings here? You act as if her ailing grandmother is slightly more than trivial, and make assumptions about her mother. It doesn't even occur to you that perhaps your wife's feelings are her own. To be fair, *moving* for a sick grandmother who likely won't be around in ten years is not a good move, imho. I know it sounds cold, but the grandmother should not be a factor at all. In the reality of life, it *is* somewhat trivial. I agree with the rest of your post. JWB

I wasn't saying they should move for the grandmother. My point was his
trivializing her concern for her grandmother is pretty indicative of his
attitude towards her family, and her needs where her family is concerned. I
know that it is unrealistic to move for that reason alone.

kimberly

"JWB" <tom12409x@servo3.com actually, my e-mail is jwb3333 at excite dot
com> wrote in message news:PRwlc.35577$mX.12456569@twister.nyc.rr.com... "Nexis" <nexis1@cox.net> wrote in message news:_Gwlc.11684$k24.3333@fed1read01... "Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:109cv0da0of299b@corp.supernews.com... The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because of a sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head
that she is not happy here. So you see the way you discount your wife's concerns and feelings here? You act as if her ailing grandmother is slightly more than trivial, and make assumptions about her mother. It doesn't even occur to you that perhaps your wife's feelings are her own. To be fair, *moving* for a sick grandmother who likely won't be around in ten years is not a good move, imho. I know it sounds cold, but the grandmother should not be a factor at all. In the reality of life, it *is* somewhat trivial. I agree with the rest of your post. JWB

I wasn't saying they should move for the grandmother. My point was his
trivializing her concern for her grandmother is pretty indicative of his
attitude towards her family, and her needs where her family is concerned. I
know that it is unrealistic to move for that reason alone.

kimberly

"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:109d8dqfrvds20e@corp.supernews.com... Ok, before jumping down my throat, you need to read my previous posts. My wife was not happy in New Mexico, hence the reason we decided to move
here, it was an equal decision. Anyway, I am not hiding behind anything,
there's the facts, Albuquerque is a poor city, the base we live on now suffices
all of OUR needs. My wife is unhappy here because she has been homesick for
the past 2 years, and he mother doesn't make her feel any better about it.

can you quote who you're replying to (at least a little)?

"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:109d8dqfrvds20e@corp.supernews.com... Ok, before jumping down my throat, you need to read my previous posts. My wife was not happy in New Mexico, hence the reason we decided to move
here, it was an equal decision. Anyway, I am not hiding behind anything,
there's the facts, Albuquerque is a poor city, the base we live on now suffices
all of OUR needs. My wife is unhappy here because she has been homesick for
the past 2 years, and he mother doesn't make her feel any better about it.

can you quote who you're replying to (at least a little)?

"Nexis" <nexis1@cox.net> wrote in message
news:otxlc.11690$k24.9410@fed1read01... "JWB" <tom12409x@servo3.com actually, my e-mail is jwb3333 at excite dot com> wrote in message news:PRwlc.35577$mX.12456569@twister.nyc.rr.com... "Nexis" <nexis1@cox.net> wrote in message news:_Gwlc.11684$k24.3333@fed1read01... "Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:109cv0da0of299b@corp.supernews.com... > The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is
because of a > sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that she > is not happy here. So you see the way you discount your wife's concerns and feelings
here? You act as if her ailing grandmother is slightly more than trivial, and
make assumptions about her mother. It doesn't even occur to you that
perhaps your wife's feelings are her own. To be fair, *moving* for a sick grandmother who likely won't be around
in ten years is not a good move, imho. I know it sounds cold, but the grandmother should not be a factor at all. In the reality of life, it
*is* somewhat trivial. I agree with the rest of your post. JWB I wasn't saying they should move for the grandmother. My point was his trivializing her concern for her grandmother is pretty indicative of his attitude towards her family, and her needs where her family is concerned.
I know that it is unrealistic to move for that reason alone.

You misunderstood me. I know that's not the reason alone (and never was).

I'm saying it shouldn't be a factor at *all*.

However, I also misunderstood you as well. He should not trivialize her
concern for her grandmother. Perhaps a visit out west is in order.

JWB

"Nexis" <nexis1@cox.net> wrote in message
news:otxlc.11690$k24.9410@fed1read01... "JWB" <tom12409x@servo3.com actually, my e-mail is jwb3333 at excite dot com> wrote in message news:PRwlc.35577$mX.12456569@twister.nyc.rr.com... "Nexis" <nexis1@cox.net> wrote in message news:_Gwlc.11684$k24.3333@fed1read01... "Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:109cv0da0of299b@corp.supernews.com... > The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is
because of a > sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that she > is not happy here. So you see the way you discount your wife's concerns and feelings
here? You act as if her ailing grandmother is slightly more than trivial, and
make assumptions about her mother. It doesn't even occur to you that
perhaps your wife's feelings are her own. To be fair, *moving* for a sick grandmother who likely won't be around
in ten years is not a good move, imho. I know it sounds cold, but the grandmother should not be a factor at all. In the reality of life, it
*is* somewhat trivial. I agree with the rest of your post. JWB I wasn't saying they should move for the grandmother. My point was his trivializing her concern for her grandmother is pretty indicative of his attitude towards her family, and her needs where her family is concerned.
I know that it is unrealistic to move for that reason alone.

You misunderstood me. I know that's not the reason alone (and never was).

I'm saying it shouldn't be a factor at *all*.

However, I also misunderstood you as well. He should not trivialize her
concern for her grandmother. Perhaps a visit out west is in order.

JWB

"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:109d8dqfrvds20e@corp.supernews.com... Ok, before jumping down my throat, you need to read my previous posts. My wife was not happy in New Mexico, hence the reason we decided to move
here, it was an equal decision. Anyway, I am not hiding behind anything,
there's the facts, Albuquerque is a poor city, the base we live on now suffices
all of OUR needs. My wife is unhappy here because she has been homesick for
the past 2 years, and he mother doesn't make her feel any better about it.

If you're replying to me, I wasn't "jumping down your throat", and I'm sorry
if you took it that way.
Actually I did read your original post, which mentioned nothing about your
wife wanting to move. It states that you moved to be closer to your family.
In fact, it states it more than once.
The base may meet your needs, but I am quite familiar with base life and I
would be willing to bet money that you do leave the base...which was besides
the point in any case.
Your wife misses her home, her family. Why do you think that it's so
trivial? It isn't her mother's job to make her happy or take care of her
needs, it's yours. That was the deal you made that day with the rings and
stuff. I am not saying you should move to make her happy, but if you want
your marriage to work, you'd really be well advised to start making her
feelings a priority in your life. She obviously cares about yours, or I
doubt she'd have moved away from her family.

kimberly

"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:109d8dqfrvds20e@corp.supernews.com... Ok, before jumping down my throat, you need to read my previous posts. My wife was not happy in New Mexico, hence the reason we decided to move
here, it was an equal decision. Anyway, I am not hiding behind anything,
there's the facts, Albuquerque is a poor city, the base we live on now suffices
all of OUR needs. My wife is unhappy here because she has been homesick for
the past 2 years, and he mother doesn't make her feel any better about it.

If you're replying to me, I wasn't "jumping down your throat", and I'm sorry
if you took it that way.
Actually I did read your original post, which mentioned nothing about your
wife wanting to move. It states that you moved to be closer to your family.
In fact, it states it more than once.
The base may meet your needs, but I am quite familiar with base life and I
would be willing to bet money that you do leave the base...which was besides
the point in any case.
Your wife misses her home, her family. Why do you think that it's so
trivial? It isn't her mother's job to make her happy or take care of her
needs, it's yours. That was the deal you made that day with the rings and
stuff. I am not saying you should move to make her happy, but if you want
your marriage to work, you'd really be well advised to start making her
feelings a priority in your life. She obviously cares about yours, or I
doubt she'd have moved away from her family.

kimberly

"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:<109cv0da0of299b@corp.supernews.com>...
The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because of a sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that she is not happy here.

Ah... yes, that would be a good explanation for your wife's
homesickness.
If we were to move out there, my wife's family consists of a college age brother, and her mom, who live separately, but still, compare that to all my family who may not have as much money as her mom does to throw around, but still makes it known how much they love her. My wife has been raised in a household where money buys happiness, money buys love. That never has been or ever will be the case with my family, and maybe I do show a little resentment towards her family in that sense, but that's because of my morale upbringing.

Hmmm... I suspect that the love your family has shown her has perhaps
made her long to go back home and do things differently with her own
family this time.

Does your wife work? If not, is it possible for her to take a long
vacation to visit her family? Sounds to me like she has unfinished
business she needs to take care of.

jen

"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:<109cv0da0of299b@corp.supernews.com>...
The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because of a sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that she is not happy here.

Ah... yes, that would be a good explanation for your wife's
homesickness.
If we were to move out there, my wife's family consists of a college age brother, and her mom, who live separately, but still, compare that to all my family who may not have as much money as her mom does to throw around, but still makes it known how much they love her. My wife has been raised in a household where money buys happiness, money buys love. That never has been or ever will be the case with my family, and maybe I do show a little resentment towards her family in that sense, but that's because of my morale upbringing.

Hmmm... I suspect that the love your family has shown her has perhaps
made her long to go back home and do things differently with her own
family this time.

Does your wife work? If not, is it possible for her to take a long
vacation to visit her family? Sounds to me like she has unfinished
business she needs to take care of.

jen

You may be crazy about the idea of having a jillion family members around,
but maybe your wife isn't. Sounds like she came from an environment where
you aren't constantly bombarded on all sides by relatives. Some people (me
included), like our relatives in small doses and find their constant
companionship stressful and quite a burden. Maybe your wife is suffering
from relative overload and wants to return to a more simple life where there
are only one or two relatives to have to deal with on a day to day basis,
instead of a mob. I know that if I were in your wife's shoes, that is how I
would feel.

I have two cousins and I see them once every 10 years if I am lucky.
Throughout my entire life it has been only my parents and me. I am no worse
for it. When it comes to love quantitity does not always equal quality.

My advice to you would be to find a point half way (Topeka? Amarillo?) and
set up housekeeping there. Let the relatives come and visit you, and let
your daughter learn how to make her own friends rather than relying on
"family" to establish her social framework. She will be a better person for
it IMHO.

Em

You may be crazy about the idea of having a jillion family members around,
but maybe your wife isn't. Sounds like she came from an environment where
you aren't constantly bombarded on all sides by relatives. Some people (me
included), like our relatives in small doses and find their constant
companionship stressful and quite a burden. Maybe your wife is suffering
from relative overload and wants to return to a more simple life where there
are only one or two relatives to have to deal with on a day to day basis,
instead of a mob. I know that if I were in your wife's shoes, that is how I
would feel.

I have two cousins and I see them once every 10 years if I am lucky.
Throughout my entire life it has been only my parents and me. I am no worse
for it. When it comes to love quantitity does not always equal quality.

My advice to you would be to find a point half way (Topeka? Amarillo?) and
set up housekeeping there. Let the relatives come and visit you, and let
your daughter learn how to make her own friends rather than relying on
"family" to establish her social framework. She will be a better person for
it IMHO.

Em

"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> writes:
I'll admit, I am happier here, but it has nothing to do with my family being closer, it has to do with our location and the quality of life here. Albuquerque is where we lived for 2 years before moving out here. She grew up there. My folks live near Chicago. We don't live IN St. Louis, there is virtually no crime here because we live ON Scott AFB in Illinois. We've been here for almost 2 years, and we have great friends and a nice house here on base. The reason behind the possible move is because of a job opening there, same pay, just lesser quality of life, poor school district, rougher kids(gangs are more abundant there). Don't get me wrong, I loved ABQ when we lived there, such a laid back atmosphere, but not really a good place to raise kids. The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because of a sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that she is not happy here. If we were to move out there, my wife's family consists of a college age brother, and her mom, who live separately, but still, compare that to all my family who may not have as much money as her mom does to throw around, but still makes it known how much they love her. My wife has been raised in a household where money buys happiness, money buys love. That never has been or ever will be the case with my family, and maybe I do show a little resentment towards her family in that sense, but that's because of my morale upbringing.

Your responses to people's suggestions so far seem to indicate that
you posted here hoping for someone to say "you're right, and your wife
is wrong."

That isn't likely to happen (and if it did, it really wouldn't help
you). Your only sensible option is to take your wife's point of view
seriously and have a serious discussion about it. You aren't taking
her point of view seriously right now.

"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> writes:
I'll admit, I am happier here, but it has nothing to do with my family being closer, it has to do with our location and the quality of life here. Albuquerque is where we lived for 2 years before moving out here. She grew up there. My folks live near Chicago. We don't live IN St. Louis, there is virtually no crime here because we live ON Scott AFB in Illinois. We've been here for almost 2 years, and we have great friends and a nice house here on base. The reason behind the possible move is because of a job opening there, same pay, just lesser quality of life, poor school district, rougher kids(gangs are more abundant there). Don't get me wrong, I loved ABQ when we lived there, such a laid back atmosphere, but not really a good place to raise kids. The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because of a sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that she is not happy here. If we were to move out there, my wife's family consists of a college age brother, and her mom, who live separately, but still, compare that to all my family who may not have as much money as her mom does to throw around, but still makes it known how much they love her. My wife has been raised in a household where money buys happiness, money buys love. That never has been or ever will be the case with my family, and maybe I do show a little resentment towards her family in that sense, but that's because of my morale upbringing.

Your responses to people's suggestions so far seem to indicate that
you posted here hoping for someone to say "you're right, and your wife
is wrong."

That isn't likely to happen (and if it did, it really wouldn't help
you). Your only sensible option is to take your wife's point of view
seriously and have a serious discussion about it. You aren't taking
her point of view seriously right now.

"Doug Anderson" <ethelthelogremovethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:3VBlc.18404$_41.1260906@attbi_s02... "Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> writes: I'll admit, I am happier here, but it has nothing to do with my family being closer, it has to do with our location and the quality of life
here. Albuquerque is where we lived for 2 years before moving out here. She
grew up there. My folks live near Chicago. We don't live IN St. Louis,
there is virtually no crime here because we live ON Scott AFB in Illinois. We've been here for almost 2 years, and we have great friends and a nice house here on base. The reason behind the possible move is because of a job opening there, same pay, just lesser quality of life, poor school
district, rougher kids(gangs are more abundant there). Don't get me wrong, I
loved ABQ when we lived there, such a laid back atmosphere, but not really a
good place to raise kids. The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because
of a sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that
she is not happy here. If we were to move out there, my wife's family consists of a college
age brother, and her mom, who live separately, but still, compare that to
all my family who may not have as much money as her mom does to throw around,
but still makes it known how much they love her. My wife has been raised in
a household where money buys happiness, money buys love. That never has
been or ever will be the case with my family, and maybe I do show a little resentment towards her family in that sense, but that's because of my
morale upbringing. Your responses to people's suggestions so far seem to indicate that you posted here hoping for someone to say "you're right, and your wife is wrong." That isn't likely to happen (and if it did, it really wouldn't help you). Your only sensible option is to take your wife's point of view seriously and have a serious discussion about it. You aren't taking her point of view seriously right now.

well, why should he. She's from an inferior family ;)

"Doug Anderson" <ethelthelogremovethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:3VBlc.18404$_41.1260906@attbi_s02... "Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> writes: I'll admit, I am happier here, but it has nothing to do with my family being closer, it has to do with our location and the quality of life
here. Albuquerque is where we lived for 2 years before moving out here. She
grew up there. My folks live near Chicago. We don't live IN St. Louis,
there is virtually no crime here because we live ON Scott AFB in Illinois. We've been here for almost 2 years, and we have great friends and a nice house here on base. The reason behind the possible move is because of a job opening there, same pay, just lesser quality of life, poor school
district, rougher kids(gangs are more abundant there). Don't get me wrong, I
loved ABQ when we lived there, such a laid back atmosphere, but not really a
good place to raise kids. The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because
of a sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that
she is not happy here. If we were to move out there, my wife's family consists of a college
age brother, and her mom, who live separately, but still, compare that to
all my family who may not have as much money as her mom does to throw around,
but still makes it known how much they love her. My wife has been raised in
a household where money buys happiness, money buys love. That never has
been or ever will be the case with my family, and maybe I do show a little resentment towards her family in that sense, but that's because of my
morale upbringing. Your responses to people's suggestions so far seem to indicate that you posted here hoping for someone to say "you're right, and your wife is wrong." That isn't likely to happen (and if it did, it really wouldn't help you). Your only sensible option is to take your wife's point of view seriously and have a serious discussion about it. You aren't taking her point of view seriously right now.

well, why should he. She's from an inferior family ;)

"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:109cllf1vvd4v3f@corp.supernews.com We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years ago to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to 3 days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so that we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which her mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part of my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's. My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for her, the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime is so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving out there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once. They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her first grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she is now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the sake of my daughter knowing her family.

Have you considered the possibility that your wife wants to move closer to
her own family because she's not all that happy with you? You write as if
you have no respect for her, her family or her feelings. If your attitude
reflect all areas in your life together then your marriage is already on the
rocks and the moving issue is just a symptom.

I think you two would benefit from talking to a trained counsellor to help
you find a way to deal with differing spousal wants without tearing the
other down in the process of making your points.

Tai

"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:109cllf1vvd4v3f@corp.supernews.com We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years ago to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to 3 days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so that we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which her mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part of my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's. My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for her, the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime is so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving out there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once. They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her first grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she is now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the sake of my daughter knowing her family.

Have you considered the possibility that your wife wants to move closer to
her own family because she's not all that happy with you? You write as if
you have no respect for her, her family or her feelings. If your attitude
reflect all areas in your life together then your marriage is already on the
rocks and the moving issue is just a symptom.

I think you two would benefit from talking to a trained counsellor to help
you find a way to deal with differing spousal wants without tearing the
other down in the process of making your points.

Tai

I think everyone is reading too far into it. My wife and I are really
happy, we just are at a turning point where we've already made the move once
and she's ready to go back. If we were to move back, a year or two down the
road when her mom and her get sick of each other again, we'll end up
somewhere we both would rather not live.
The choice of where we live is not an option (no middle ground), we have
to live there or here. Unfortunately, if we move there, we'll be stuck
there for atleast 4 years. I know for a fact her mom and her will not get
along for that long and she will try to pack up and run again. The reason
they get along so well now is because she see her less often, and the
distance has helped her relationship with other family members.
I guess the reason I posted this in the first place was to get support
from someone who has been in this unique situation before.


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I think everyone is reading too far into it. My wife and I are really
happy, we just are at a turning point where we've already made the move once
and she's ready to go back. If we were to move back, a year or two down the
road when her mom and her get sick of each other again, we'll end up
somewhere we both would rather not live.
The choice of where we live is not an option (no middle ground), we have
to live there or here. Unfortunately, if we move there, we'll be stuck
there for atleast 4 years. I know for a fact her mom and her will not get
along for that long and she will try to pack up and run again. The reason
they get along so well now is because she see her less often, and the
distance has helped her relationship with other family members.
I guess the reason I posted this in the first place was to get support
from someone who has been in this unique situation before.


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"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> writes:
I think everyone is reading too far into it. My wife and I are really happy, we just are at a turning point where we've already made the move once and she's ready to go back. If we were to move back, a year or two down the road when her mom and her get sick of each other again, we'll end up somewhere we both would rather not live. The choice of where we live is not an option (no middle ground), we have to live there or here. Unfortunately, if we move there, we'll be stuck there for atleast 4 years. I know for a fact her mom and her will not get along for that long and she will try to pack up and run again. The reason they get along so well now is because she see her less often, and the distance has helped her relationship with other family members. I guess the reason I posted this in the first place was to get support from someone who has been in this unique situation before.

The reason you posted here was to get someone to tell you "you are
right, ignore your wife's desires."

Notice that isn't what happened.

"Favre for President '04" <amberbocklager@yahoo.com> writes:
I think everyone is reading too far into it. My wife and I are really happy, we just are at a turning point where we've already made the move once and she's ready to go back. If we were to move back, a year or two down the road when her mom and her get sick of each other again, we'll end up somewhere we both would rather not live. The choice of where we live is not an option (no middle ground), we have to live there or here. Unfortunately, if we move there, we'll be stuck there for atleast 4 years. I know for a fact her mom and her will not get along for that long and she will try to pack up and run again. The reason they get along so well now is because she see her less often, and the distance has helped her relationship with other family members. I guess the reason I posted this in the first place was to get support from someone who has been in this unique situation before.

The reason you posted here was to get someone to tell you "you are
right, ignore your wife's desires."

Notice that isn't what happened.

> I guess the reason I posted this in the first place was to get support from someone who has been in this unique situation before.

Unique means existing only once. Only one person can have an unique
experience. I think you meant to say a similar experience. The problem is,
that your situation is UNIQUE to you. Nobody is going to have a similar set
of circumstances.

Looks like you are going to have to work this out for yourselves. I still
say that you need to make your own life and quit relying on your relatives.
Both of you.

Em

> I guess the reason I posted this in the first place was to get support from someone who has been in this unique situation before.

Unique means existing only once. Only one person can have an unique
experience. I think you meant to say a similar experience. The problem is,
that your situation is UNIQUE to you. Nobody is going to have a similar set
of circumstances.

Looks like you are going to have to work this out for yourselves. I still
say that you need to make your own life and quit relying on your relatives.
Both of you.

Em

"Auntie Em" <Auntie Em@thisisfake.com> wrote in message
news:riSlc.1836$MO4.1103@fe21... I guess the reason I posted this in the first place was to get support from someone who has been in this unique situation before. Unique means existing only once. Only one person can have an unique experience. I think you meant to say a similar experience. The problem
is, that your situation is UNIQUE to you. Nobody is going to have a similar
set of circumstances.

I like the line I read somewhere: "You're unique -- just like the rest of
us."

Ted

"Auntie Em" <Auntie Em@thisisfake.com> wrote in message
news:riSlc.1836$MO4.1103@fe21... I guess the reason I posted this in the first place was to get support from someone who has been in this unique situation before. Unique means existing only once. Only one person can have an unique experience. I think you meant to say a similar experience. The problem
is, that your situation is UNIQUE to you. Nobody is going to have a similar
set of circumstances.

I like the line I read somewhere: "You're unique -- just like the rest of
us."

Ted

>I think everyone is reading too far into it.

Perhaps this is because you entitled this thread "Marriage on the Rock about
Moving". I dunno. It caused me to believe that your marriage was on the
rocks. ;-)

My wife and I are reallyhappy, we just are at a turning point where we've already made the move onceand she's ready to go back. If we were to move back, a year or two down theroad when her mom and her get sick of each other again, we'll end upsomewhere we both would rather not live. The choice of where we live is not an option (no middle ground), we haveto live there or here. Unfortunately, if we move there, we'll be stuckthere for atleast 4 years. I know for a fact her mom and her will not getalong for that long and she will try to pack up and run again. The reasonthey get along so well now is because she see her less often, and thedistance has helped her relationship with other family members.

Look, I am very different from my family of origin. We get along well for
short periods of time, but, to be truthful, I can't imagine living within 5
hours of any of them. So I can understand how you (and she) could feel
ambivalent about family.

But, the fact that, despite these problems, she is saying she wants to go back
indicates that she really does have feelings in *both* directions, and, as
people here are saying, you don't seem to be willing to take the "come hither"
feelings seriously. I imagine you hope that if you keep pointing out how
"silly" it is for her to consider this, given the circumstances, that's she'll
come to her senses. However, my guess is that a better approach would be to
validate her ambivalence, and acknowledge that she has legitimate feelings in
both directions. I suspect it would make talking through this a lot easier if
she didn't feel like she had to continue to make her case.... if she felt that
you understood how she felt. After that, she can feel free to look at both
sides of the issue, rather than feeling that she has to fight for one side just
to be heard.

Sheila

I guess the reason I posted this in the first place was to get supportfrom someone who has been in this unique situation before.

>I think everyone is reading too far into it.

Perhaps this is because you entitled this thread "Marriage on the Rock about
Moving". I dunno. It caused me to believe that your marriage was on the
rocks. ;-)

My wife and I are reallyhappy, we just are at a turning point where we've already made the move onceand she's ready to go back. If we were to move back, a year or two down theroad when her mom and her get sick of each other again, we'll end upsomewhere we both would rather not live. The choice of where we live is not an option (no middle ground), we haveto live there or here. Unfortunately, if we move there, we'll be stuckthere for atleast 4 years. I know for a fact her mom and her will not getalong for that long and she will try to pack up and run again. The reasonthey get along so well now is because she see her less often, and thedistance has helped her relationship with other family members.

Look, I am very different from my family of origin. We get along well for
short periods of time, but, to be truthful, I can't imagine living within 5
hours of any of them. So I can understand how you (and she) could feel
ambivalent about family.

But, the fact that, despite these problems, she is saying she wants to go back
indicates that she really does have feelings in *both* directions, and, as
people here are saying, you don't seem to be willing to take the "come hither"
feelings seriously. I imagine you hope that if you keep pointing out how
"silly" it is for her to consider this, given the circumstances, that's she'll
come to her senses. However, my guess is that a better approach would be to
validate her ambivalence, and acknowledge that she has legitimate feelings in
both directions. I suspect it would make talking through this a lot easier if
she didn't feel like she had to continue to make her case.... if she felt that
you understood how she felt. After that, she can feel free to look at both
sides of the issue, rather than feeling that she has to fight for one side just
to be heard.

Sheila

I guess the reason I posted this in the first place was to get supportfrom someone who has been in this unique situation before.

The job closed today, it was paying less than expected and a better one will
open up next year.


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The job closed today, it was paying less than expected and a better one will
open up next year.


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