Here is the situation. My sister in law (lets call her C) has been
dating a married man (lets call him K) for three years now. She is
obviously in love with him (as sick as it is) and who knows what he
feels since he is obviously a liar. Even though the story is longer
than a novel, let me try to break down some of the highlights and
little background on the situation (try to find the sarcasm):


K has been married for at least five years.
K is a financial analyst and 35 years old.
K's wife is a lawyer.
K and his wife have a five year old daughter together.
K says that he resents his wife because she tricked him into having
their daughter.
K's father is in prison.



C thinks that K is going to divorce his wife and marry her.
C thinks that they are going to have kids of their own.
C has started going to law school (which she isn't really liking) and
is 29 years old.
C is obviously in love with K.
C has never had a solid relationship with a good person.
C is very smart, attractive and great in every way except for the
relationships she gets in. They are always destined for failure.
C's father died when she was 16.



C has never met K's daughter, but has started carrying around a
picture of K's daughter in her wallet, replacing her own nieces'
picture. She loves her nieces very much though.
C talks big and strong, but never follows thru with what she says she
is going to do. (Ex: leave him until he leave his wife, not go on
vacation until he moves out and finds his own place ...).
C has never met anyone related to K (mom, dad, brothers, sisters,
cousins ...).
K's aunt died and his whole family came up for a week and C said she
didn't go to the funeral because she doesn't like funerals and K
doesn't either.
C and K went on a week vacation last year to Miami. K brought his bags
over to C's house a week early and C believed that it was because K
was so excited to go, he packed his bags early.
K's grandmother just died and he is going to West Virginia for the
funeral. C is going to go with him; however, she will stay in a hotel
the entire time and not go to the funeral. She says she has too much
school work to do.
K keeps saying he is going to leave his wife and sets deadlines, but
obviously never does. He even bought a new house with his wife less
than a year ago and said it was because he wanted to help them get
settled. He said he was leaving his wife by the end of the summer,
never did. He said he was going to move out by the end of February and
even said where he was going to rent the apartment. At the end of
February, he said he decided to buy a place instead and is looking.
Bla, bla, bla, bla...
C talks about K like they are a real couple. She always tries making
their relationship sound normal during conversations.
They have never spent a holiday together. Valentines Day, they spend a
night in a hotel the night before. XMas, Thanksgiving, Easter ... all
celebrated in a hotel prior to the actual date.
K says that he sleeps in the basement of their house and not with his
wife. Before and after they bought the new house together.

Finally, my question; How can I support her, but also let her know
what a huge mistake she is making. How do you communicate with someone
that is so disillusioned with a situation? What, if anything, can I do
to help her not waste any more time in her life?

E (lemmits@hotmail.com) writes: Here is the situation. My sister in law (lets call her C) has been dating a married man (lets call him K) for three years now. She is obviously in love with him (as sick as it is) and who knows what he feels since he is obviously a liar. Even though the story is longer than a novel, let me try to break down some of the highlights and little background on the situation (try to find the sarcasm): K has been married for at least five years. K is a financial analyst and 35 years old. K's wife is a lawyer. K and his wife have a five year old daughter together. K says that he resents his wife because she tricked him into having their daughter. K's father is in prison. C thinks that K is going to divorce his wife and marry her.

C is *nuts* !
C thinks that they are going to have kids of their own.

C is *nuts* !
C has started going to law school (which she isn't really liking) and is 29 years old.

OK. Does she have any ideas as to what she wants to be, aside from
being K's clone wife ?
C is obviously in love with K.

Translation: " C has *no idea* what Love is. "
C has never had a solid relationship with a good person.

See Translation...
C is very smart, attractive and great in every way except for the relationships she gets in. They are always destined for failure.

Thus, in those areas, she is neither smart, attractive or great.
C's father died when she was 16. C has never met K's daughter, but has started carrying around a picture of K's daughter in her wallet, replacing her own nieces' picture. She loves her nieces very much though.

Not based on that *action*, though...
C talks big and strong, but never follows thru with what she says she is going to do. (Ex: leave him until he leave his wife, not go on vacation until he moves out and finds his own place ...).

A pattern that is matching her lover's...
C has never met anyone related to K (mom, dad, brothers, sisters, cousins ...).

So, shes in a K vacuum...
K's aunt died and his whole family came up for a week and C said she didn't go to the funeral because she doesn't like funerals and K doesn't either.

Uh huh.
C and K went on a week vacation last year to Miami. K brought his bags over to C's house a week early and C believed that it was because K was so excited to go, he packed his bags early.

Projection... It likely was K not wanting his wife to see him packing.
K's grandmother just died and he is going to West Virginia for the funeral. C is going to go with him; however, she will stay in a hotel the entire time and not go to the funeral. She says she has too much school work to do.

Funny how hotels are now " schools "... ?
K keeps saying he is going to leave his wife and sets deadlines, but obviously never does. He even bought a new house with his wife less than a year ago and said it was because he wanted to help them get settled. He said he was leaving his wife by the end of the summer, never did. He said he was going to move out by the end of February and even said where he was going to rent the apartment. At the end of February, he said he decided to buy a place instead and is looking. Bla, bla, bla, bla...

Indeed. *Based on his behavior, hes NEVER leaving*.
C talks about K like they are a real couple. She always tries making their relationship sound normal during conversations.

Delusional.
They have never spent a holiday together. Valentines Day, they spend a night in a hotel the night before. XMas, Thanksgiving, Easter ... all celebrated in a hotel prior to the actual date.

So, K is happy playing the part of an *unpaid hooker* ?

Nice... not. Definitely not " attractive, smart or great "...

Major self chosen *loserville*, though...
K says that he sleeps in the basement of their house and not with his wife. Before and after they bought the new house together.

LOL ! Who would be *stupid* enough to believe that BS ?
Finally, my question; How can I support her, but also let her know what a huge mistake she is making. How do you communicate with someone that is so disillusioned with a situation? What, if anything, can I do to help her not waste any more time in her life?

" If he'll do it *with you*, he'll do it TO YOU ! "

" I cannot support your adultery, and self destructive and self
deceptive lifestyle. Until you fix your evil actions, I am not
in any way related to you, or connected to you. "

You cannot " make " her see. You can only control your own actions,
words and choices, and ceasing enabling an adulterer is a proper
thing to do.

Andre


--
" I'm a man... But, I can change... If I have to... I guess. "
The Man Prayer, Red Green.

E (lemmits@hotmail.com) writes: Here is the situation. My sister in law (lets call her C) has been dating a married man (lets call him K) for three years now. She is obviously in love with him (as sick as it is) and who knows what he feels since he is obviously a liar. Even though the story is longer than a novel, let me try to break down some of the highlights and little background on the situation (try to find the sarcasm): K has been married for at least five years. K is a financial analyst and 35 years old. K's wife is a lawyer. K and his wife have a five year old daughter together. K says that he resents his wife because she tricked him into having their daughter. K's father is in prison. C thinks that K is going to divorce his wife and marry her.

C is *nuts* !
C thinks that they are going to have kids of their own.

C is *nuts* !
C has started going to law school (which she isn't really liking) and is 29 years old.

OK. Does she have any ideas as to what she wants to be, aside from
being K's clone wife ?
C is obviously in love with K.

Translation: " C has *no idea* what Love is. "
C has never had a solid relationship with a good person.

See Translation...
C is very smart, attractive and great in every way except for the relationships she gets in. They are always destined for failure.

Thus, in those areas, she is neither smart, attractive or great.
C's father died when she was 16. C has never met K's daughter, but has started carrying around a picture of K's daughter in her wallet, replacing her own nieces' picture. She loves her nieces very much though.

Not based on that *action*, though...
C talks big and strong, but never follows thru with what she says she is going to do. (Ex: leave him until he leave his wife, not go on vacation until he moves out and finds his own place ...).

A pattern that is matching her lover's...
C has never met anyone related to K (mom, dad, brothers, sisters, cousins ...).

So, shes in a K vacuum...
K's aunt died and his whole family came up for a week and C said she didn't go to the funeral because she doesn't like funerals and K doesn't either.

Uh huh.
C and K went on a week vacation last year to Miami. K brought his bags over to C's house a week early and C believed that it was because K was so excited to go, he packed his bags early.

Projection... It likely was K not wanting his wife to see him packing.
K's grandmother just died and he is going to West Virginia for the funeral. C is going to go with him; however, she will stay in a hotel the entire time and not go to the funeral. She says she has too much school work to do.

Funny how hotels are now " schools "... ?
K keeps saying he is going to leave his wife and sets deadlines, but obviously never does. He even bought a new house with his wife less than a year ago and said it was because he wanted to help them get settled. He said he was leaving his wife by the end of the summer, never did. He said he was going to move out by the end of February and even said where he was going to rent the apartment. At the end of February, he said he decided to buy a place instead and is looking. Bla, bla, bla, bla...

Indeed. *Based on his behavior, hes NEVER leaving*.
C talks about K like they are a real couple. She always tries making their relationship sound normal during conversations.

Delusional.
They have never spent a holiday together. Valentines Day, they spend a night in a hotel the night before. XMas, Thanksgiving, Easter ... all celebrated in a hotel prior to the actual date.

So, K is happy playing the part of an *unpaid hooker* ?

Nice... not. Definitely not " attractive, smart or great "...

Major self chosen *loserville*, though...
K says that he sleeps in the basement of their house and not with his wife. Before and after they bought the new house together.

LOL ! Who would be *stupid* enough to believe that BS ?
Finally, my question; How can I support her, but also let her know what a huge mistake she is making. How do you communicate with someone that is so disillusioned with a situation? What, if anything, can I do to help her not waste any more time in her life?

" If he'll do it *with you*, he'll do it TO YOU ! "

" I cannot support your adultery, and self destructive and self
deceptive lifestyle. Until you fix your evil actions, I am not
in any way related to you, or connected to you. "

You cannot " make " her see. You can only control your own actions,
words and choices, and ceasing enabling an adulterer is a proper
thing to do.

Andre


--
" I'm a man... But, I can change... If I have to... I guess. "
The Man Prayer, Red Green.

"E" <lemmits@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:90b65a86.0404010646.7dc16fa6@posting.google.c om... Here is the situation. My sister in law (lets call her C) has been dating a married man (lets call him K) for three years now. She is obviously in love with him (as sick as it is) and who knows what he feels since he is obviously a liar. Even though the story is longer than a novel, let me try to break down some of the highlights and little background on the situation (try to find the sarcasm):
<snip sad story> Finally, my question; How can I support her, but also let her know what a huge mistake she is making. How do you communicate with someone that is so disillusioned with a situation? What, if anything, can I do to help her not waste any more time in her life?

Well...if I were in your shoes (and I sorta have been before) I would flatly
tell my friend how disapproving I was about the whole thing, and refuse to
talk about K or C&K's relationship. Just say, "I disagree with these choices
you're making, and I don't want to talk about your "relationship" because I
don't condone it. If you need me to help you in getting over him once you
break up, I'll be there. But I just can't pretend that this situation is
OK."

So, I guess what I'm saying is, don't act like nothing's wrong, and don't
"support" her in her relationship by discussing it with her. Support her by
being honest about your disapproval. You don't have to argue about it all
the time. You can say it once and then refuse to talk about it again.

That's just how I'd handle it, anyway.

Cheryl

"E" <lemmits@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:90b65a86.0404010646.7dc16fa6@posting.google.c om... Here is the situation. My sister in law (lets call her C) has been dating a married man (lets call him K) for three years now. She is obviously in love with him (as sick as it is) and who knows what he feels since he is obviously a liar. Even though the story is longer than a novel, let me try to break down some of the highlights and little background on the situation (try to find the sarcasm):
<snip sad story> Finally, my question; How can I support her, but also let her know what a huge mistake she is making. How do you communicate with someone that is so disillusioned with a situation? What, if anything, can I do to help her not waste any more time in her life?

Well...if I were in your shoes (and I sorta have been before) I would flatly
tell my friend how disapproving I was about the whole thing, and refuse to
talk about K or C&K's relationship. Just say, "I disagree with these choices
you're making, and I don't want to talk about your "relationship" because I
don't condone it. If you need me to help you in getting over him once you
break up, I'll be there. But I just can't pretend that this situation is
OK."

So, I guess what I'm saying is, don't act like nothing's wrong, and don't
"support" her in her relationship by discussing it with her. Support her by
being honest about your disapproval. You don't have to argue about it all
the time. You can say it once and then refuse to talk about it again.

That's just how I'd handle it, anyway.

Cheryl

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E wrote:
Finally, my question; How can I support her, but also let her know what a huge mistake she is making. How do you communicate with someone that is so disillusioned with a situation? What, if anything, can I do to help her not waste any more time in her life?

How can you support her? She is dating a married man who has a child. Deep
down she must know that K is scum and so is she. I think too many people
are way to accepting of this kind of behavor. C needs a good kick in the
pants and need need to do some work on herself.

Someone should tell K's wife.





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Hash: SHA1

E wrote:
Finally, my question; How can I support her, but also let her know what a huge mistake she is making. How do you communicate with someone that is so disillusioned with a situation? What, if anything, can I do to help her not waste any more time in her life?

How can you support her? She is dating a married man who has a child. Deep
down she must know that K is scum and so is she. I think too many people
are way to accepting of this kind of behavor. C needs a good kick in the
pants and need need to do some work on herself.

Someone should tell K's wife.





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E wrote:
Finally, my question; How can I support her, but also let her know what a huge mistake she is making. How do you communicate with someone that is so disillusioned with a situation? What, if anything, can I do to help her not waste any more time in her life?

There's very little you can do to help her stop wasting her life. You could
sacrifice your relationship with her and probably strain your own marriage
by telling your SIL's lover's wife in some public way that would make it
difficult for the parties to avoid forcing some resolution - one which
would likely involve the man ditching your SIL, imo. I don't recommend this,
of course!

You could try to get your SIL into some kind of therapy to see if she can
find out why she's choosing this half-life but she'd have to be close to
admitting to herself that she actually needs help. This is beyond an
amateur's skills, imo.

What does you husband think? Is his sister confiding in both of you or are
you the chief listener?

At some point, for your own peace of mind, I think you'll have to tell your
SIL that you don't want to be involved in a never-ending drama any more,
even if it's only by secondhand reporting. To be frank, I think it is you
who needs the support at the moment. Your SIL's problems are not yours to
solve even though you care enough about her to want to help and you'd be
better spending your emotional energy where it would be more useful.

So, I recommend that you tell your SIL that you'll give her as much help as
possible if she wants to remove herself from the relationship but you're not
interested in hearing her painfully sad sad stories over and over again.

TAi

E wrote:
Finally, my question; How can I support her, but also let her know what a huge mistake she is making. How do you communicate with someone that is so disillusioned with a situation? What, if anything, can I do to help her not waste any more time in her life?

There's very little you can do to help her stop wasting her life. You could
sacrifice your relationship with her and probably strain your own marriage
by telling your SIL's lover's wife in some public way that would make it
difficult for the parties to avoid forcing some resolution - one which
would likely involve the man ditching your SIL, imo. I don't recommend this,
of course!

You could try to get your SIL into some kind of therapy to see if she can
find out why she's choosing this half-life but she'd have to be close to
admitting to herself that she actually needs help. This is beyond an
amateur's skills, imo.

What does you husband think? Is his sister confiding in both of you or are
you the chief listener?

At some point, for your own peace of mind, I think you'll have to tell your
SIL that you don't want to be involved in a never-ending drama any more,
even if it's only by secondhand reporting. To be frank, I think it is you
who needs the support at the moment. Your SIL's problems are not yours to
solve even though you care enough about her to want to help and you'd be
better spending your emotional energy where it would be more useful.

So, I recommend that you tell your SIL that you'll give her as much help as
possible if she wants to remove herself from the relationship but you're not
interested in hearing her painfully sad sad stories over and over again.

TAi

The fastest way to bring this situation to a head is to tell the wife. It's
not nice, it's not pretty, but I guarantee you it will do the trick.

M9

"E" <lemmits@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:90b65a86.0404010646.7dc16fa6@posting.google.c om... Here is the situation. My sister in law (lets call her C) has been dating a married man (lets call him K) for three years now. She is obviously in love with him (as sick as it is) and who knows what he feels since he is obviously a liar. Even though the story is longer than a novel, let me try to break down some of the highlights and little background on the situation (try to find the sarcasm): K has been married for at least five years. K is a financial analyst and 35 years old. K's wife is a lawyer. K and his wife have a five year old daughter together. K says that he resents his wife because she tricked him into having their daughter. K's father is in prison. C thinks that K is going to divorce his wife and marry her. C thinks that they are going to have kids of their own. C has started going to law school (which she isn't really liking) and is 29 years old. C is obviously in love with K. C has never had a solid relationship with a good person. C is very smart, attractive and great in every way except for the relationships she gets in. They are always destined for failure. C's father died when she was 16. C has never met K's daughter, but has started carrying around a picture of K's daughter in her wallet, replacing her own nieces' picture. She loves her nieces very much though. C talks big and strong, but never follows thru with what she says she is going to do. (Ex: leave him until he leave his wife, not go on vacation until he moves out and finds his own place ...). C has never met anyone related to K (mom, dad, brothers, sisters, cousins ...). K's aunt died and his whole family came up for a week and C said she didn't go to the funeral because she doesn't like funerals and K doesn't either. C and K went on a week vacation last year to Miami. K brought his bags over to C's house a week early and C believed that it was because K was so excited to go, he packed his bags early. K's grandmother just died and he is going to West Virginia for the funeral. C is going to go with him; however, she will stay in a hotel the entire time and not go to the funeral. She says she has too much school work to do. K keeps saying he is going to leave his wife and sets deadlines, but obviously never does. He even bought a new house with his wife less than a year ago and said it was because he wanted to help them get settled. He said he was leaving his wife by the end of the summer, never did. He said he was going to move out by the end of February and even said where he was going to rent the apartment. At the end of February, he said he decided to buy a place instead and is looking. Bla, bla, bla, bla... C talks about K like they are a real couple. She always tries making their relationship sound normal during conversations. They have never spent a holiday together. Valentines Day, they spend a night in a hotel the night before. XMas, Thanksgiving, Easter ... all celebrated in a hotel prior to the actual date. K says that he sleeps in the basement of their house and not with his wife. Before and after they bought the new house together. Finally, my question; How can I support her, but also let her know what a huge mistake she is making. How do you communicate with someone that is so disillusioned with a situation? What, if anything, can I do to help her not waste any more time in her life?

The fastest way to bring this situation to a head is to tell the wife. It's
not nice, it's not pretty, but I guarantee you it will do the trick.

M9

"E" <lemmits@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:90b65a86.0404010646.7dc16fa6@posting.google.c om... Here is the situation. My sister in law (lets call her C) has been dating a married man (lets call him K) for three years now. She is obviously in love with him (as sick as it is) and who knows what he feels since he is obviously a liar. Even though the story is longer than a novel, let me try to break down some of the highlights and little background on the situation (try to find the sarcasm): K has been married for at least five years. K is a financial analyst and 35 years old. K's wife is a lawyer. K and his wife have a five year old daughter together. K says that he resents his wife because she tricked him into having their daughter. K's father is in prison. C thinks that K is going to divorce his wife and marry her. C thinks that they are going to have kids of their own. C has started going to law school (which she isn't really liking) and is 29 years old. C is obviously in love with K. C has never had a solid relationship with a good person. C is very smart, attractive and great in every way except for the relationships she gets in. They are always destined for failure. C's father died when she was 16. C has never met K's daughter, but has started carrying around a picture of K's daughter in her wallet, replacing her own nieces' picture. She loves her nieces very much though. C talks big and strong, but never follows thru with what she says she is going to do. (Ex: leave him until he leave his wife, not go on vacation until he moves out and finds his own place ...). C has never met anyone related to K (mom, dad, brothers, sisters, cousins ...). K's aunt died and his whole family came up for a week and C said she didn't go to the funeral because she doesn't like funerals and K doesn't either. C and K went on a week vacation last year to Miami. K brought his bags over to C's house a week early and C believed that it was because K was so excited to go, he packed his bags early. K's grandmother just died and he is going to West Virginia for the funeral. C is going to go with him; however, she will stay in a hotel the entire time and not go to the funeral. She says she has too much school work to do. K keeps saying he is going to leave his wife and sets deadlines, but obviously never does. He even bought a new house with his wife less than a year ago and said it was because he wanted to help them get settled. He said he was leaving his wife by the end of the summer, never did. He said he was going to move out by the end of February and even said where he was going to rent the apartment. At the end of February, he said he decided to buy a place instead and is looking. Bla, bla, bla, bla... C talks about K like they are a real couple. She always tries making their relationship sound normal during conversations. They have never spent a holiday together. Valentines Day, they spend a night in a hotel the night before. XMas, Thanksgiving, Easter ... all celebrated in a hotel prior to the actual date. K says that he sleeps in the basement of their house and not with his wife. Before and after they bought the new house together. Finally, my question; How can I support her, but also let her know what a huge mistake she is making. How do you communicate with someone that is so disillusioned with a situation? What, if anything, can I do to help her not waste any more time in her life?

"minerva nine" <nomail@my.house> writes:
The fastest way to bring this situation to a head is to tell the wife. It's not nice, it's not pretty, but I guarantee you it will do the trick.

What trick will it do? I wouldn't advise that. It would certainly do
the trick of making "C" mad at "E." I doubt it will do the trick of
making "C" grow up though.

"minerva nine" <nomail@my.house> writes:
The fastest way to bring this situation to a head is to tell the wife. It's not nice, it's not pretty, but I guarantee you it will do the trick.

What trick will it do? I wouldn't advise that. It would certainly do
the trick of making "C" mad at "E." I doubt it will do the trick of
making "C" grow up though.

Read the first sentence. It will bring the situation to a head. That
trick.

"Doug Anderson" <ethelthelogremovethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:vny8pfxyhh.fsf@noether.uoregon.edu... "minerva nine" <nomail@my.house> writes: The fastest way to bring this situation to a head is to tell the wife.
It's not nice, it's not pretty, but I guarantee you it will do the trick. What trick will it do? I wouldn't advise that. It would certainly do the trick of making "C" mad at "E." I doubt it will do the trick of making "C" grow up though.

Read the first sentence. It will bring the situation to a head. That
trick.

"Doug Anderson" <ethelthelogremovethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:vny8pfxyhh.fsf@noether.uoregon.edu... "minerva nine" <nomail@my.house> writes: The fastest way to bring this situation to a head is to tell the wife.
It's not nice, it's not pretty, but I guarantee you it will do the trick. What trick will it do? I wouldn't advise that. It would certainly do the trick of making "C" mad at "E." I doubt it will do the trick of making "C" grow up though.

Unfortunately, not talking to her about the situation would basically
mean not talking to her at all. She talks about K all the time and
the last thing I want to do is drive her away and in turn even more
towards K. Make sense?

Unfortunately, not talking to her about the situation would basically
mean not talking to her at all. She talks about K all the time and
the last thing I want to do is drive her away and in turn even more
towards K. Make sense?

lemmits@hotmail.com (E) wrote in message news:<90b65a86.0404010646.7dc16fa6@posting.google.com>...

Finally, my question; How can I support her, but also let her know what a huge mistake she is making. How do you communicate with someone that is so disillusioned with a situation? What, if anything, can I do to help her not waste any more time in her life?

Truthfully, I think the very best thing you can do for C is to
withdraw your support on this issue. Refuse to talk to her about K.
Refuse to be her sounding board, to pick her up when K treats her
poorly. Without intending to, you're *enabling* this relationship to
continue. I suspect C gets some sort of payoff by having you as a
confident and co-conspirator in her illicit relationship. Perhaps you
also get some sort of payoff, being the one she confides in?

If it were me, I'd gently tell C that I do not approve, I think she's
making a huge mistake and throwing her life away, and that I cannot
sit by any longer and provide sympathy when he breaks his promises, or
listen to her go on about a relationship that isn't as real as she
thinks it is. I would tell her it upsets me too much, but I value our
relationship therefore, from now on, I think it's best if she no
longer confide in me as it makes me uncomfortable.

Then anytime she brings up K in the future, cut her off. Remind her
that you don't want to hear about it anymore. Change the subject to
something else. This is good, because it sounds like C needs something
else in her life. Encourage her to confide in you about the other
stuff. You want to hear about *C* not K!

Perhaps if she no longer has a willing audience for her life's sob
story, she'll have to think long and hard about what she's doing.

jen

lemmits@hotmail.com (E) wrote in message news:<90b65a86.0404010646.7dc16fa6@posting.google.com>...

Finally, my question; How can I support her, but also let her know what a huge mistake she is making. How do you communicate with someone that is so disillusioned with a situation? What, if anything, can I do to help her not waste any more time in her life?

Truthfully, I think the very best thing you can do for C is to
withdraw your support on this issue. Refuse to talk to her about K.
Refuse to be her sounding board, to pick her up when K treats her
poorly. Without intending to, you're *enabling* this relationship to
continue. I suspect C gets some sort of payoff by having you as a
confident and co-conspirator in her illicit relationship. Perhaps you
also get some sort of payoff, being the one she confides in?

If it were me, I'd gently tell C that I do not approve, I think she's
making a huge mistake and throwing her life away, and that I cannot
sit by any longer and provide sympathy when he breaks his promises, or
listen to her go on about a relationship that isn't as real as she
thinks it is. I would tell her it upsets me too much, but I value our
relationship therefore, from now on, I think it's best if she no
longer confide in me as it makes me uncomfortable.

Then anytime she brings up K in the future, cut her off. Remind her
that you don't want to hear about it anymore. Change the subject to
something else. This is good, because it sounds like C needs something
else in her life. Encourage her to confide in you about the other
stuff. You want to hear about *C* not K!

Perhaps if she no longer has a willing audience for her life's sob
story, she'll have to think long and hard about what she's doing.

jen

"Red" <clafount@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:<c4hcui$1h7e$1@msunews.cl.msu.edu>... "E" <lemmits@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:90b65a86.0404010646.7dc16fa6@posting.google.c om... Here is the situation. My sister in law (lets call her C) has been dating a married man (lets call him K) for three years now. She is obviously in love with him (as sick as it is) and who knows what he feels since he is obviously a liar. Even though the story is longer than a novel, let me try to break down some of the highlights and little background on the situation (try to find the sarcasm): <snip sad story> Finally, my question; How can I support her, but also let her know what a huge mistake she is making. How do you communicate with someone that is so disillusioned with a situation? What, if anything, can I do to help her not waste any more time in her life? Well...if I were in your shoes (and I sorta have been before) I would flatly tell my friend how disapproving I was about the whole thing, and refuse to talk about K or C&K's relationship. Just say, "I disagree with these choices you're making, and I don't want to talk about your "relationship" because I don't condone it. If you need me to help you in getting over him once you break up, I'll be there. But I just can't pretend that this situation is OK." So, I guess what I'm saying is, don't act like nothing's wrong, and don't "support" her in her relationship by discussing it with her. Support her by being honest about your disapproval. You don't have to argue about it all the time. You can say it once and then refuse to talk about it again. That's just how I'd handle it, anyway. Cheryl

Hey! That's what I just said! Guess I should've read the whole thread first. :-)

jen

"Red" <clafount@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:<c4hcui$1h7e$1@msunews.cl.msu.edu>... "E" <lemmits@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:90b65a86.0404010646.7dc16fa6@posting.google.c om... Here is the situation. My sister in law (lets call her C) has been dating a married man (lets call him K) for three years now. She is obviously in love with him (as sick as it is) and who knows what he feels since he is obviously a liar. Even though the story is longer than a novel, let me try to break down some of the highlights and little background on the situation (try to find the sarcasm): <snip sad story> Finally, my question; How can I support her, but also let her know what a huge mistake she is making. How do you communicate with someone that is so disillusioned with a situation? What, if anything, can I do to help her not waste any more time in her life? Well...if I were in your shoes (and I sorta have been before) I would flatly tell my friend how disapproving I was about the whole thing, and refuse to talk about K or C&K's relationship. Just say, "I disagree with these choices you're making, and I don't want to talk about your "relationship" because I don't condone it. If you need me to help you in getting over him once you break up, I'll be there. But I just can't pretend that this situation is OK." So, I guess what I'm saying is, don't act like nothing's wrong, and don't "support" her in her relationship by discussing it with her. Support her by being honest about your disapproval. You don't have to argue about it all the time. You can say it once and then refuse to talk about it again. That's just how I'd handle it, anyway. Cheryl

Hey! That's what I just said! Guess I should've read the whole thread first. :-)

jen

shinypenny <shinypenny0001@yahoo.com> wrote:
Truthfully, I think the very best thing you can do for C is to withdraw your support on this issue. Refuse to talk to her about K. Refuse to be her sounding board, to pick her up when K treats her poorly. Without intending to, you're *enabling* this relationship to continue.

This is my view also.

shinypenny <shinypenny0001@yahoo.com> wrote:
Truthfully, I think the very best thing you can do for C is to withdraw your support on this issue. Refuse to talk to her about K. Refuse to be her sounding board, to pick her up when K treats her poorly. Without intending to, you're *enabling* this relationship to continue.

This is my view also.

From what you say it seems to be the classic old storey.
Unfortunately girls like her will never learn.
C is looking for love but is mixed up.
K has a handy lay at his disposal.
Have you thought that perhaps there is nothing you can do?
Except be there for her when she falls.
Rog


"E" <lemmits@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:90b65a86.0404010646.7dc16fa6@posting.google.c om... Here is the situation. My sister in law (lets call her C) has been dating a married man (lets call him K) for three years now. She is obviously in love with him (as sick as it is) and who knows what he feels since he is obviously a liar. Even though the story is longer than a novel, let me try to break down some of the highlights and little background on the situation (try to find the sarcasm): K has been married for at least five years. K is a financial analyst and 35 years old. K's wife is a lawyer. K and his wife have a five year old daughter together. K says that he resents his wife because she tricked him into having their daughter. K's father is in prison. C thinks that K is going to divorce his wife and marry her. C thinks that they are going to have kids of their own. C has started going to law school (which she isn't really liking) and is 29 years old. C is obviously in love with K. C has never had a solid relationship with a good person. C is very smart, attractive and great in every way except for the relationships she gets in. They are always destined for failure. C's father died when she was 16. C has never met K's daughter, but has started carrying around a picture of K's daughter in her wallet, replacing her own nieces' picture. She loves her nieces very much though. C talks big and strong, but never follows thru with what she says she is going to do. (Ex: leave him until he leave his wife, not go on vacation until he moves out and finds his own place ...). C has never met anyone related to K (mom, dad, brothers, sisters, cousins ...). K's aunt died and his whole family came up for a week and C said she didn't go to the funeral because she doesn't like funerals and K doesn't either. C and K went on a week vacation last year to Miami. K brought his bags over to C's house a week early and C believed that it was because K was so excited to go, he packed his bags early. K's grandmother just died and he is going to West Virginia for the funeral. C is going to go with him; however, she will stay in a hotel the entire time and not go to the funeral. She says she has too much school work to do. K keeps saying he is going to leave his wife and sets deadlines, but obviously never does. He even bought a new house with his wife less than a year ago and said it was because he wanted to help them get settled. He said he was leaving his wife by the end of the summer, never did. He said he was going to move out by the end of February and even said where he was going to rent the apartment. At the end of February, he said he decided to buy a place instead and is looking. Bla, bla, bla, bla... C talks about K like they are a real couple. She always tries making their relationship sound normal during conversations. They have never spent a holiday together. Valentines Day, they spend a night in a hotel the night before. XMas, Thanksgiving, Easter ... all celebrated in a hotel prior to the actual date. K says that he sleeps in the basement of their house and not with his wife. Before and after they bought the new house together. Finally, my question; How can I support her, but also let her know what a huge mistake she is making. How do you communicate with someone that is so disillusioned with a situation? What, if anything, can I do to help her not waste any more time in her life?

From what you say it seems to be the classic old storey.
Unfortunately girls like her will never learn.
C is looking for love but is mixed up.
K has a handy lay at his disposal.
Have you thought that perhaps there is nothing you can do?
Except be there for her when she falls.
Rog


"E" <lemmits@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:90b65a86.0404010646.7dc16fa6@posting.google.c om... Here is the situation. My sister in law (lets call her C) has been dating a married man (lets call him K) for three years now. She is obviously in love with him (as sick as it is) and who knows what he feels since he is obviously a liar. Even though the story is longer than a novel, let me try to break down some of the highlights and little background on the situation (try to find the sarcasm): K has been married for at least five years. K is a financial analyst and 35 years old. K's wife is a lawyer. K and his wife have a five year old daughter together. K says that he resents his wife because she tricked him into having their daughter. K's father is in prison. C thinks that K is going to divorce his wife and marry her. C thinks that they are going to have kids of their own. C has started going to law school (which she isn't really liking) and is 29 years old. C is obviously in love with K. C has never had a solid relationship with a good person. C is very smart, attractive and great in every way except for the relationships she gets in. They are always destined for failure. C's father died when she was 16. C has never met K's daughter, but has started carrying around a picture of K's daughter in her wallet, replacing her own nieces' picture. She loves her nieces very much though. C talks big and strong, but never follows thru with what she says she is going to do. (Ex: leave him until he leave his wife, not go on vacation until he moves out and finds his own place ...). C has never met anyone related to K (mom, dad, brothers, sisters, cousins ...). K's aunt died and his whole family came up for a week and C said she didn't go to the funeral because she doesn't like funerals and K doesn't either. C and K went on a week vacation last year to Miami. K brought his bags over to C's house a week early and C believed that it was because K was so excited to go, he packed his bags early. K's grandmother just died and he is going to West Virginia for the funeral. C is going to go with him; however, she will stay in a hotel the entire time and not go to the funeral. She says she has too much school work to do. K keeps saying he is going to leave his wife and sets deadlines, but obviously never does. He even bought a new house with his wife less than a year ago and said it was because he wanted to help them get settled. He said he was leaving his wife by the end of the summer, never did. He said he was going to move out by the end of February and even said where he was going to rent the apartment. At the end of February, he said he decided to buy a place instead and is looking. Bla, bla, bla, bla... C talks about K like they are a real couple. She always tries making their relationship sound normal during conversations. They have never spent a holiday together. Valentines Day, they spend a night in a hotel the night before. XMas, Thanksgiving, Easter ... all celebrated in a hotel prior to the actual date. K says that he sleeps in the basement of their house and not with his wife. Before and after they bought the new house together. Finally, my question; How can I support her, but also let her know what a huge mistake she is making. How do you communicate with someone that is so disillusioned with a situation? What, if anything, can I do to help her not waste any more time in her life?

Thank's for all the responses. Based on all your advice as well as
the advice elsewhere, the situation becomes this: My wife and I can
no longer pretend along with C. Up to this point, we've been somewhat
selfish and rather than simply tell her we don't want to hear about
her disfunctional relationship and her fantasy that she has a
boyfriend, we just say nothing or even humor her a little to avoid
conflict. However, this path must stop. We are going to let her
know, again, how much we love her and that we are there for her when
things go bad. But, she has to understand that we don't agree with
her relationship and feel that it is obviously wasting her precious
time and slowly chipping away at her self-esteem. We (my wife and I)
are tired of spending so much time worrying about it, while she
doesn't seem to be loosing any sleep. It's her life to live. So, we
will ask her to respect our wishes and not talk about her relationship
with K, and we will move on until she realizes what she is doing.

Thank again,
E

"ROGUE" <rognospamlessspam@eyeohell.ie> wrote in message news:<c4ktrs$ovv$1@kermit.esat.net>... From what you say it seems to be the classic old storey. Unfortunately girls like her will never learn. C is looking for love but is mixed up. K has a handy lay at his disposal. Have you thought that perhaps there is nothing you can do? Except be there for her when she falls. Rog "E" <lemmits@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:90b65a86.0404010646.7dc16fa6@posting.google.c om... Here is the situation. My sister in law (lets call her C) has been dating a married man (lets call him K) for three years now. She is obviously in love with him (as sick as it is) and who knows what he feels since he is obviously a liar. Even though the story is longer than a novel, let me try to break down some of the highlights and little background on the situation (try to find the sarcasm): K has been married for at least five years. K is a financial analyst and 35 years old. K's wife is a lawyer. K and his wife have a five year old daughter together. K says that he resents his wife because she tricked him into having their daughter. K's father is in prison. C thinks that K is going to divorce his wife and marry her. C thinks that they are going to have kids of their own. C has started going to law school (which she isn't really liking) and is 29 years old. C is obviously in love with K. C has never had a solid relationship with a good person. C is very smart, attractive and great in every way except for the relationships she gets in. They are always destined for failure. C's father died when she was 16. C has never met K's daughter, but has started carrying around a picture of K's daughter in her wallet, replacing her own nieces' picture. She loves her nieces very much though. C talks big and strong, but never follows thru with what she says she is going to do. (Ex: leave him until he leave his wife, not go on vacation until he moves out and finds his own place ...). C has never met anyone related to K (mom, dad, brothers, sisters, cousins ...). K's aunt died and his whole family came up for a week and C said she didn't go to the funeral because she doesn't like funerals and K doesn't either. C and K went on a week vacation last year to Miami. K brought his bags over to C's house a week early and C believed that it was because K was so excited to go, he packed his bags early. K's grandmother just died and he is going to West Virginia for the funeral. C is going to go with him; however, she will stay in a hotel the entire time and not go to the funeral. She says she has too much school work to do. K keeps saying he is going to leave his wife and sets deadlines, but obviously never does. He even bought a new house with his wife less than a year ago and said it was because he wanted to help them get settled. He said he was leaving his wife by the end of the summer, never did. He said he was going to move out by the end of February and even said where he was going to rent the apartment. At the end of February, he said he decided to buy a place instead and is looking. Bla, bla, bla, bla... C talks about K like they are a real couple. She always tries making their relationship sound normal during conversations. They have never spent a holiday together. Valentines Day, they spend a night in a hotel the night before. XMas, Thanksgiving, Easter ... all celebrated in a hotel prior to the actual date. K says that he sleeps in the basement of their house and not with his wife. Before and after they bought the new house together. Finally, my question; How can I support her, but also let her know what a huge mistake she is making. How do you communicate with someone that is so disillusioned with a situation? What, if anything, can I do to help her not waste any more time in her life?

Thank's for all the responses. Based on all your advice as well as
the advice elsewhere, the situation becomes this: My wife and I can
no longer pretend along with C. Up to this point, we've been somewhat
selfish and rather than simply tell her we don't want to hear about
her disfunctional relationship and her fantasy that she has a
boyfriend, we just say nothing or even humor her a little to avoid
conflict. However, this path must stop. We are going to let her
know, again, how much we love her and that we are there for her when
things go bad. But, she has to understand that we don't agree with
her relationship and feel that it is obviously wasting her precious
time and slowly chipping away at her self-esteem. We (my wife and I)
are tired of spending so much time worrying about it, while she
doesn't seem to be loosing any sleep. It's her life to live. So, we
will ask her to respect our wishes and not talk about her relationship
with K, and we will move on until she realizes what she is doing.

Thank again,
E

"ROGUE" <rognospamlessspam@eyeohell.ie> wrote in message news:<c4ktrs$ovv$1@kermit.esat.net>... From what you say it seems to be the classic old storey. Unfortunately girls like her will never learn. C is looking for love but is mixed up. K has a handy lay at his disposal. Have you thought that perhaps there is nothing you can do? Except be there for her when she falls. Rog "E" <lemmits@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:90b65a86.0404010646.7dc16fa6@posting.google.c om... Here is the situation. My sister in law (lets call her C) has been dating a married man (lets call him K) for three years now. She is obviously in love with him (as sick as it is) and who knows what he feels since he is obviously a liar. Even though the story is longer than a novel, let me try to break down some of the highlights and little background on the situation (try to find the sarcasm): K has been married for at least five years. K is a financial analyst and 35 years old. K's wife is a lawyer. K and his wife have a five year old daughter together. K says that he resents his wife because she tricked him into having their daughter. K's father is in prison. C thinks that K is going to divorce his wife and marry her. C thinks that they are going to have kids of their own. C has started going to law school (which she isn't really liking) and is 29 years old. C is obviously in love with K. C has never had a solid relationship with a good person. C is very smart, attractive and great in every way except for the relationships she gets in. They are always destined for failure. C's father died when she was 16. C has never met K's daughter, but has started carrying around a picture of K's daughter in her wallet, replacing her own nieces' picture. She loves her nieces very much though. C talks big and strong, but never follows thru with what she says she is going to do. (Ex: leave him until he leave his wife, not go on vacation until he moves out and finds his own place ...). C has never met anyone related to K (mom, dad, brothers, sisters, cousins ...). K's aunt died and his whole family came up for a week and C said she didn't go to the funeral because she doesn't like funerals and K doesn't either. C and K went on a week vacation last year to Miami. K brought his bags over to C's house a week early and C believed that it was because K was so excited to go, he packed his bags early. K's grandmother just died and he is going to West Virginia for the funeral. C is going to go with him; however, she will stay in a hotel the entire time and not go to the funeral. She says she has too much school work to do. K keeps saying he is going to leave his wife and sets deadlines, but obviously never does. He even bought a new house with his wife less than a year ago and said it was because he wanted to help them get settled. He said he was leaving his wife by the end of the summer, never did. He said he was going to move out by the end of February and even said where he was going to rent the apartment. At the end of February, he said he decided to buy a place instead and is looking. Bla, bla, bla, bla... C talks about K like they are a real couple. She always tries making their relationship sound normal during conversations. They have never spent a holiday together. Valentines Day, they spend a night in a hotel the night before. XMas, Thanksgiving, Easter ... all celebrated in a hotel prior to the actual date. K says that he sleeps in the basement of their house and not with his wife. Before and after they bought the new house together. Finally, my question; How can I support her, but also let her know what a huge mistake she is making. How do you communicate with someone that is so disillusioned with a situation? What, if anything, can I do to help her not waste any more time in her life?

It is simple--you don't.
-----
Kim/Dreamspinner3
Visit My Homepage: http://members.tripod.com/dreamspinner3/

It is simple--you don't.
-----
Kim/Dreamspinner3
Visit My Homepage: http://members.tripod.com/dreamspinner3/