Hi,

Long story that I'll try to condense. My husband has physical custody of a son he had with an ex girlfriend 10 yrs ago. We have been married for a little over 2.5 yrs. BM has son in her home perhaps a total of 20-25 days per year, and has talked to son on the phone perhaps a total of 10 minutes in all this time.

However--she calls and deMANDs to speak to my husband on a frequent basis. It's never once been to discuss "issues" with (or about) son. It's always some ridiculous made up "reason"/excuse. For example--she's called at least 40 of those times just to ask the meeting time.

Now--I can see no real reason as to why she has to talk directly to my husband over something so minor-especially when she could ask son what time it is, or tack a note on the fridge for God's sake.

I'm well aware that it's a "power" issue with her. She just wants to have unfettered access to my husband (like she has a RIGHT) just because she was an egg donor 10 yrs ago, and she wants to know that she can FORCE him to call.

She absolutely reFUSes to speak with me or leave even the simplest messages with me to give to my husband. When I've dared ask her what she wants, she screams and cusses me out, then deMANDS to speak to my husband again--usually right before she hangs up on me. She has even called him at work.

I am sick to DEATH of this woman calling MY home and making the demands she does. I'm also sick to DEATH of her cussing me out just because I ask a simple question.

My question is: Do I HAVE to put up with this? Do I HAVE to put up with this woman invading MY home and making demands and cussing at me?

Nowhere in their custody papers does it say she's "entitled" to phone access (of ANY kind) to my husband. It of course says she's entitled to "reasonable" phone access to son. She never calls to talk to son however--it's always my husband. What is considered "reasonable" anyway?

I have NO fear of them getting together, so this is not a jealousy issue for me--it's a simple respect issue.


I also have a son with an ex husband, and I have only called his home (whom he shares with his girlfriend) 5 times in the same length of time--this psycho has called close to 200 times in the same time frame!! I never call my ex unless it's a REAL reason, and feel I should be given the same courtesy from my current husband's exgirlfriend. Besides--I have no trouble leaving a message with the new woman in his life.

Husbands ex is so into the "power play" of it, that she's even basically held son hostage, and didn't give in until she FORCED my husband to call her.
She doesn't care whether he only talks for 5 seconds or 5 minutes--just as long as she "wins".

PLEASE tell me there's something we can do about this. I am at the end of my rope of dealing with this sicko, and need to know there's something I can do to stop this from happening.

No woman I know of would want their S/O's ex calling and cussing them out and making demands as though she has some sort of inalienable "right" to the MAN just because they had a child 10 yrs ago. I have no "rights" to my ex. I didn't give birth to HIM, I gave birth to our SON, and it's the same for her, but she inSISTS on forcing him into getting on the phone with her, or calling her back over every single little thing.

He speaks to her in person at pick ups and drop offs--so that's another reason why there's no real need to be calling up to 5-7 times a week and more.

I'd be forever grateful for some legal help in this issue.

Well, unless you can get a judge to issue a restraining order (which I highly doubt as she DOES have the right to call your husband about their child.) probably not. But, that does not mean he has to talk to her. Ever heard of caller ID? Just don't answer the phone. He can call her back at a time that is convenient to him.

Try practical solutions first:

Type up a calander based on the current visitation/custody order. Put in all the times, dates. and locations of pick up. Type in the dates of any school events she may need to be notified of. (So she has no questions to call and ask) Make a new callender every month.

Don't answer the phone when she calls. Let your husband or step child answer. OR Let her leave voices messages and keep a copy of them especially if they are harrassing.

Have your husband Notify her in writing that the calls are excessive and your family would like her to limit her calls to your husband to once a week and twice a week to the child at specific resonable times unless there is an emergency. Also no work calls unless their is an Emergency. (Send the letter certified mail so everyone will know she got her copy.)

Your husband will have to stick to it. Only call her back once a week with the exception of if it is 24 hours before a scheduled visit, if she claims it is an Emergency, or if the child is in her care when she calls.

IF it continues and you now have the evidence of the letter and the voice mail tapes,then you can attempt to modify the visitation/custody order.

*By the way, passing messages back and forth with the child is usually not allowed. So that is why she is entitled to talk to your husband about the child, visitation, etc. Messages should not be passed through the child.

Thank you both for all the help.

But I just wanted to clear up a few things.

Son isn't used to pass messages--he's not used for anything at ALL since BM never speaks to him--about 10 minutes total phone time in almost 3 yrs. BM rarely sees son (as stated--perhaps 20-25 days a yr). She's actually entitled to having him at least 120 days--she just chooses not to take advantage of it.

She has never attended one christmas play, parent teacher conference, never once even called to ask son OR dad about his grades-how he was fitting into a new environment--NOTHing. She doesn't care a thing about this child, as anyone who knows anything at all about this situation knows. She was an oven, nothing more.

She doesn't really care that she's not the one raising him, because she doesn't want to do it anyway. (She wanted an abortion while she was carrying him--father talked her out of it).

However, she doesn't have a "pawn" to use to gain child support payments with son living with us. She also uses son as a pawn (and an excuse) to be able to talk to my husband.

I have rarely answered the phone--only when there's no one else to do it, and 99.9% of the time I just let the machine take it. But she won't even leave a message on the machine stating (for example) "I won't be able to get "son" this week. She simply leaves a message stating "Call me back", so we never know whether she's getting him or not--and she KNOWS that, which is why she won't leave a message.

My husband has repeatedly asked her to leave a message stating WHAT she wants, and he rarely returns her calls, but she will NOT give up.

I really see no reason for my husband to even have to call her once a week, since she only gets the child less than 2 days a month, and she never discusses son with him or asks about son anyway. Besides, she's always welcome to call and talk to son whenever she wants--I'm just sick of her "Because I had a child with him I have a RIGHT to him" type of attitude.

If I were not in the exact same situation as she is, I might not know what proper social skills to use in this, but as I said, I have a child with an ex, and we get along quite well, but we do not talk on the phone every week.

First of all, there's no real reason to do that, and secondly, it's disrepectful to the new woman in his life. I also know that just because I had a child with my ex does NOT give me the "right" to have access to him just because I feel a whim. He's an EX--not a current.

Thank you again though--I got some ideas.

You're saying a lot about how you feel and how disrespectful this woman is to you and while I understand that's she's being quite frustrating and unreasonable, it's not really your issue to deal with. Have hubby step up and be firm with her. The letter previously suggested is a great idea as is caller ID. This woman and your husband ARE the parents and she does have a right and a need to talk to him, although certainly not as often as she seems to be doing now.

Perhaps she likes getting a rise out of you and that is part of her victory? Why give her that satisfaction and power over you. Take yourself out of the equation and let you husband deal with the termagant. She's not likely to change so you might feel better if you change the way you react to her.

Maybe if she sees you're not bristling every time she calls, she'll get less satisfaction and the calls will lessen. Or perhaps she's truly psycho and won't even notice. Either way, you'll be calmer and better able to cope with the demands of parenthood which will be a great role model for your sons.

Good luck, I know this can't be easy for any of you.