Im a mother of a very smart and beautiful 4 year old daughter. Her father and I were not married when we had her, we seperated about 3 years ago due to domestic violence. He is suppose to pay child support and isnt, which is a totally different topic from my question...My daughters father was avoiding the police for 4 moths for not paying child support at that time it was 4 months that he had not spoken to or seen my daughter. Here it is 7 months later still no phone calls, no vistiation. Before when he was seeing my daughter she was having behavioral issues now that he hasnt had any contact with her she has done a complete 180... my question is since he hasnt seen or talked to my daughter in 7 months and is a flight risk can I legally have his rights signed away or do I have to suffer with the fact that he can waltz in and out of her life as he feels ?

going to court tomorrow morning for the same issue....here is what I know. If he is 1 year behind in cs....and has not had any contact with the child for 6months you have grounds to terminate rights, and then it is up to the discretion of the judge. But get your money out because this is soooooooo expensive. I hope things go well for you

susan

Another option :Modify the custody/visitation
In NC when there is a history of domestic violence, you could get certain things written into the visitation order such as : Supervised visitation (The "abuser" would have to foot the bill for the supervision), no overnight visitation, etc
If he does not show up for court, (perhaps because he is afraid of the whole child support issue :confused: ) then the judge may grant your requests by default.
Then if he did decide to see the child, you would not be concerned that he is a flight risk because the visits would be supervised at his expense. This would also be great documentation if later you wanted to try to terminate his rights.

Thank you so much for the advice. I have been dealing with this for a very long time. I dont want to take my daughters father away from her, however he is a very bad influence on her. I mean for goodness sakes he lives in a two room apartment, with his new wife, 2 step children, and his son, my daughter is forced to sleep in a bed room with 3 other children two of which are boys. I worry about her day and night when she is gone. I dont want to qoute unquote stick it to him, this is not what this is about, it is about the safety, and well being of my child. During the 3 years I have never stopped him from seeing her, I was even letting her see him when it wasnt his weekend and his family. I have stopped letting her see his family due to the fact that they have helped him hide from the law. Out of the 3 years he has been ordered to pay child support all together he has had made 10 payments in which the court has ordered him to pay. I feel horrible because I am even considering this.. however my child comes first and as her mother I have to do what is in her best interest. I mean this situation is so bad her father works under the table for his father who owns a construction company so he can work when he feels like it and doesnt pay taxes. It frustrates me that he can walk into court and claim he hasnt been working when everyone knows he has, cant have his wages garnished because he doesnt get a pay check or taxes. I on the other hand, have just bought a house, met a wonderful man and will be married on 9/30/06!, I have a good paying job that is stable, I go to work everyday even though I hate this place with a passion. My daughter has her own room and everything she could want and more. She was having behavior issues for a while when she was seeing him, I was so terrified with some of the things she was saying I actually had a pyscologist talk to her and the pyschologist confirmed that she is having issues and is angry at her father for the enviorment he has placed her in. Since he hasnt seen her in 7 months, her behavior is wonderful, she is a completly different child. I would hate to have her degress to go back with him. Its suck a sticky situation, and i know that I am not the only going thru a sitaution like this but I dont understand who it is clearly evident in my eyes i have a stable job, a good home enviroment, I pay all the insurance and medical bills and I dont have a history of being violent that the court wont help me help my child have a better life. Maybe I am missing something, but thanks so much for your help in this matter and good luck to you tomorrw in court!

Thank you so much for the advice. I have been dealing with this for a very long time. I dont want to take my daughters father away from her, however he is a very bad influence on her. I mean for goodness sakes he lives in a two room apartment, with his new wife, 2 step children, and his son, my daughter is forced to sleep in a bed room with 3 other children two of which are boys. I worry about her day and night when she is gone. I dont want to qoute unquote stick it to him, this is not what this is about, it is about the safety, and well being of my child. During the 3 years I have never stopped him from seeing her, I was even letting her see him when it wasnt his weekend and his family. I have stopped letting her see his family due to the fact that they have helped him hide from the law. Out of the 3 years he has been ordered to pay child support all together he has had made 10 payments in which the court has ordered him to pay. I feel horrible because I am even considering this.. however my child comes first and as her mother I have to do what is in her best interest. I mean this situation is so bad her father works under the table for his father who owns a construction company so he can work when he feels like it and doesnt pay taxes. It frustrates me that he can walk into court and claim he hasnt been working when everyone knows he has, cant have his wages garnished because he doesnt get a pay check or taxes. I on the other hand, have just bought a house, met a wonderful man and will be married on 9/30/06!, I have a good paying job that is stable, I go to work everyday even though I hate this place with a passion. My daughter has her own room and everything she could want and more. She was having behavior issues for a while when she was seeing him, I was so terrified with some of the things she was saying I actually had a pyscologist talk to her and the pyschologist confirmed that she is having issues and is angry at her father for the enviorment he has placed her in. Since he hasnt seen her in 7 months, her behavior is wonderful, she is a completly different child. I would hate to have her degress to go back with him. Its suck a sticky situation, and i know that I am not the only going thru a sitaution like this but I dont understand who it is clearly evident in my eyes i have a stable job, a good home enviroment, I pay all the insurance and medical bills and I dont have a history of being violent that the court wont help me help my child have a better life. Maybe I am missing something, but thanks so much for your help in this matter and good luck to you tomorrw in court!
In order to sucessfully modify visitation for supervised visits or terminate rights there are things that you will have to PROVE in court- the main thing being that you'll have to be able to prove that your ex is a DANGER TO his daughter. In order to prove that, you'll have to be able to prove with police reports, medical documentation, etc. that he has either harmed YOUR DAUGHTER, or has harmed you IN THE PRESENSE of your daughter.

I find it rather odd that you briefly mention domestic violence, but did not go into any details about what has happened. At the same time, you go into great detail about other things that are totally irrelevant and do NOT in any way prove or indicate that ex is a bad or dangerous father. I know that you aren't going to like hearing this, but based on what you've written, I suspect that YOU are the main problem for your daughter. At 4 yrs old, a child isn't going to be "angry" about the "environment" or the fact that she has to sleep in the same room as 3 other kids. It is obvious that YOU have unresolved issues of anger, resentment and distrust for your ex, and your daughter has picked up on those emotions. You admit that you worry about her day and night while she's there and your total disdain for the way he's living is very obvious, even if you have never said anything in front of your daughter she can easily pick up on how upset and frightened Mommy is when she sees Daddy. Of course your daughter has done a complete 180 in the last seven months, it may only be because YOU haven't had the worries or fears that come about when he's visiting.

When your ex doesn't pay CS you need to take action to enforce the court order, if the state CSE agency is involved, contact them and ask for enforcement. If they aren't involved you should file a motion for contempt, you can do this yourself without an attorney.

If you do have proof of the domestic violence you can file to modify the visitation, but based on what you've written it'll be virtually impossible to have a court terminate his rights. Either way, I hope that you get some counseling for yourself to help you deal with your issues regarding your ex, not only will it help your daughter, it will also help your case if the court appoints a guardian ad litem to your case.

In just about every state you can have a parent's rights terminated for either abandonment or failure to maintain contact if the parent hasn't attempted to contact the child for a certain period of time (4-6 months to 1 year usually).

I'm about to go to court to have the rights of my 4 year old daughter's father terminated and her last name changed. It's been 2 years since he has even attempted contact with her. She doesn't know him and wouldn't recognize him on the street if she saw him and I see no point to introduce him into her life (assuming he ever decided to show up again) and put her through the misery of having him pop in and out whenever he feels like it with no regard for her feelings whatsoever. He is also a very very bad alcoholic, and when she was 6 weeks old he slit his wrists in my apartment and dripped blood over her and I as we slept. Unfortunately, he survived, but he never set foot inside my home after that. He had visits with her at my mother's home every 5 months or so for about ten or twenty minutes at a time and would show up late at night drunk and demand my parents that he see her (she was with me! and most likely asleep anyway!)... he completely ignored her birthday and Christmas when she was 2, and when he DID call (he called my parents, I never let him know where she and I were - I was pretty terrified of him to tell the truth) and left me a number to reach him at I informed him that she now had a little brother and someone who wanted to be her father and that we didn't need him pretending to care once every six months, that we had been just fine without him. So I haven't heard anything from him since then, though I know he is still in the area - I check the court records periodically to see how many Public Intoxication charges he's gotten since the last time I checked. He didn't even show up to court when I petitioned for (and won) custody.


Anyway, if you think it's better for your child that the father not have anything to do with it then by all means - take your case to court! I wish you luck.

The fact that the father IS showing intrest in having a relationship with the child will put a stop to TPR in North Carolina. My case was in NC and my ex had been MIA for 2 years. The view of the court is that it doesn't matter WHY the father wants a relationship (as long as it is not for illegal purposes) it only matters that he does. Modification is a much more realistic scenario in the OP's case.

Im a mother of a very smart and beautiful 4 year old daughter. Her father and I were not married when we had her, we seperated about 3 years ago due to domestic violence. He is suppose to pay child support and isnt, which is a totally different topic from my question...My daughters father was avoiding the police for 4 moths for not paying child support at that time it was 4 months that he had not spoken to or seen my daughter. Here it is 7 months later still no phone calls, no vistiation. Before when he was seeing my daughter she was having behavioral issues now that he hasnt had any contact with her she has done a complete 180... my question is since he hasnt seen or talked to my daughter in 7 months and is a flight risk can I legally have his rights signed away or do I have to suffer with the fact that he can waltz in and out of her life as he feels ?


Depending on the grounds for TPR in the OP's state, 11 months may be long enough to constitute abandonment or failure to maintain contact. Just because he was in contact with the child at some point in the past, doesn't erase the fact that he hasn't made contact with the child in 11 months.

Depending on the grounds for TPR in the OP's state, 11 months may be long enough to constitute abandonment or failure to maintain contact. Just because he was in contact with the child at some point in the past, doesn't erase the fact that he hasn't made contact with the child in 11 months.

NC statute 7B-1111 Basically, TPR is allowable if the parent has willfully abandoned the child for at least 6 months immediately preceding filing of the motion AND has not paid child support for at least one year preceding filing of the motion. Of course, if the OP has accepted financial aid and there is nobody wanting to adopt her child, it doesn't really matter. Also, NC is VERY reluctant to TPR, even in cases where there are valid reasons presented to allow for it.

OP, I agree with Xena and Stuckinamuck. Get NC CSE after him and file to modify the order.

There are many more factors involved than me trying to get him to leave my daughter alone. Let me set the record straight for you . . . I was with my daughter’s father for three years, during which I was not only emotionally and mentally abused, I was also physically abused. When I was pregnant with my daughter I was picked up and thrown against a wall several times, I was punched in the stomach by him, I was punched in the face . . . After my daughter was born the abuse got worse and more frequent. I was alienated from my family and friends, I lived in my apartment for a year, unable to leave unless it was to take my daughter to the doctor’s office or to go to my parent’s house with her. I was punched, head butted, choked against a wall, all in front of my infant daughter. I was threatened several times that if I left him he would hurt me or my child. It's not something that I like to talk about or even think about. I finally got a job after my daughter turned a year old. I had to work from 1pm-10pm; when I would get home at night my daughter would be sitting in the middle of the floor unsupervised, while her father was passed out on the couch; mind you we lived in a two-story apartment, on the top floor with stairs. She could have easily gotten out the door and fell down the stairs at any point. When I would come home from work my daughter would be sitting in a pee-drenched diaper that sagged to the floor and was falling apart. One night I came home fixed myself a sandwich and my one year old ate two adult sized sandwiches, she acted as if she hadn't been fed that day. All this while her father sat there playing video games or slept on the couch. When my daughter was actually going to visitations before he stopped calling and getting her, the first time he had her for Christmas he brought her home, not even 10 minutes after he left I noticed that she was having breathing problems and her lips were turning blue. I immediately rushed her to the emergency room where they found her blood oxygen level was in the low 20's. She was admitted to the hospital for four days and placed on oxygen and breathing treatments. After she was admitted, I called him and told him what was going on; his response was “Yeah, I knew she was breathing strangely the last day, but I didn’t want to take her to the doctor or call and bother you with it.” She would come home with what looked like a few cigarette burn marks on her arm. She often came home with bruises that looked like finger prints like he had grabbed her arm. She constantly had bruises; I questioned him about it and he would give me no answer so I chalked it up to her being little and a kid and falling and getting bruises. She would come filthy, looked like she hadn’t had a bath in a week, her clothes all stained and frankly she smelled bad. Last year during her summer visitation he called me and I called him back when I called him back to see what he wanted our daughter was in the back ground screaming bloody murder. When I asked what happened, he wouldn’t tell me. I asked to speak to my child and she came to phone crying; when I finally calmed her down, she told me that her daddy beat her, I then asked him again what happened and he refused to discuss it. I called a police officer friend of mine, explained what happened and was advised that I needed to call the police and have the situation checked out. As a matter of fact, according to him his (my daughter’s father) stepson’s doctor called social services on him and had him investigated because his stepson who was one at the time had a spiral fracture in his leg. The child’s doctor said that it was likely that the break was from someone grabbing a hold of the child’s leg and twisting it. My daughter’s father’s story was that the child got his foot stuck in his toddler bed, fell out and it broke that way. I never did find out whether was true or not. Might I also add that for three months he was hiding from the law so he wouldn't be arrested for not paying child support. He disconnected his home and cell phone numbers and was nowhere to be found. So if you can’t understand why I am a little upset and weary when my daughter does go with her father then I apologize and I thank you for your opinion in this matter.

There are many more factors involved than me trying to get him to leave my daughter alone. Let me set the record straight for you . . . I was with my daughter’s father for three years, during which I was not only emotionally and mentally abused, I was also physically abused. When I was pregnant with my daughter I was picked up and thrown against a wall several times, I was punched in the stomach by him, I was punched in the face . . . After my daughter was born the abuse got worse and more frequent. I was alienated from my family and friends, I lived in my apartment for a year, unable to leave unless it was to take my daughter to the doctor’s office or to go to my parent’s house with her. I was punched, head butted, choked against a wall, all in front of my infant daughter. I was threatened several times that if I left him he would hurt me or my child. It's not something that I like to talk about or even think about. I finally got a job after my daughter turned a year old. I had to work from 1pm-10pm; when I would get home at night my daughter would be sitting in the middle of the floor unsupervised, while her father was passed out on the couch; mind you we lived in a two-story apartment, on the top floor with stairs. She could have easily gotten out the door and fell down the stairs at any point. When I would come home from work my daughter would be sitting in a pee-drenched diaper that sagged to the floor and was falling apart. One night I came home fixed myself a sandwich and my one year old ate two adult sized sandwiches, she acted as if she hadn't been fed that day. All this while her father sat there playing video games or slept on the couch. When my daughter was actually going to visitations before he stopped calling and getting her, the first time he had her for Christmas he brought her home, not even 10 minutes after he left I noticed that she was having breathing problems and her lips were turning blue. I immediately rushed her to the emergency room where they found her blood oxygen level was in the low 20's. She was admitted to the hospital for four days and placed on oxygen and breathing treatments. After she was admitted, I called him and told him what was going on; his response was “Yeah, I knew she was breathing strangely the last day, but I didn’t want to take her to the doctor or call and bother you with it.” She would come home with what looked like a few cigarette burn marks on her arm. She often came home with bruises that looked like finger prints like he had grabbed her arm. She constantly had bruises; I questioned him about it and he would give me no answer so I chalked it up to her being little and a kid and falling and getting bruises. She would come filthy, looked like she hadn’t had a bath in a week, her clothes all stained and frankly she smelled bad. Last year during her summer visitation he called me and I called him back when I called him back to see what he wanted our daughter was in the back ground screaming bloody murder. When I asked what happened, he wouldn’t tell me. I asked to speak to my child and she came to phone crying; when I finally calmed her down, she told me that her daddy beat her, I then asked him again what happened and he refused to discuss it. I called a police officer friend of mine, explained what happened and was advised that I needed to call the police and have the situation checked out. As a matter of fact, according to him his (my daughter’s father) stepson’s doctor called social services on him and had him investigated because his stepson who was one at the time had a spiral fracture in his leg. The child’s doctor said that it was likely that the break was from someone grabbing a hold of the child’s leg and twisting it. My daughter’s father’s story was that the child got his foot stuck in his toddler bed, fell out and it broke that way. I never did find out whether was true or not. Might I also add that for three months he was hiding from the law so he wouldn't be arrested for not paying child support. He disconnected his home and cell phone numbers and was nowhere to be found. So if you can’t understand why I am a little upset and weary when my daughter does go with her father then I apologize and I thank you for your opinion in this matter.
Now, see...that puts this in a totally different perspective. Do you have any documentation of any of this? (medical records, CPS records, pictures of your child after visits, dated journals) And I am not being rude or nosy, but again I ask, did you accept financial aid for the state (including medicaid insurance)?

Yes I do have the papers from the doctors visits, emergency room visits, the police report, dated journal, you name it I have it. I have not had any help with from the state with my daughter, I pay for her medical insurance privately the only thing thru the state is the child support.

Okay, good, on both responses. He has had NO contact with your child for 7 months and has not paid CS for 11 months, is that right? If so, in NC, he has to not pay support for 1 year. You are close to that cut off. With the documentation of the abuse AND the lack of contact and no support, you have a much better case. The court has to decide that he has no desire and will not change for the better. (Obviously, if he is running from the cops to pay support, that is in your and your child's favor). Go ahead and talk to an atty so that you will be prepared to get this started as soon as you legally can. Now, IF the court will not terminate his rights, you can ask that he be denied ANY visitation. He will still be on the hook for child support, but you will have the peace of mind knowing that he will not be able to make problems for your child. I'm going to PM you with my other questions.

I just want to let you know that I am thinking about you in your situation. I was married to my ex for 14 years before I finally got out for the second and final time. The first time I had a domestic violence protection order, which you can get for your child as well...if you feel he is a threat to her. Look, people dont understand why we stay in situations like this. I myself didnt understand until I WOKE UP one day. Talk about alienation from family?? Girl do I ever know that feeling. And yes I endured the beatings as well. Many times because he didnt have the drugs he was using. Once, he pointed the shot gun at me, and then shot three holes in our ceiling. They brainwash you, and their family does it too. My ex was hard to leave because he told me he would never let anyone else have me, or that he would kill himself. I was scared of both things happening, and to boot, I was 16 when we married, later 21 with 2 boys, and this man was raping me almost weekly. I had my tubes tied after baby 2 so that we wouldnt have anymore children because I couldnt bring anymore children into this world that way.

I left the first time and was living in a terrible neighborhood, but it was all I could afford at the time. I was getting 340.00 a month for 2 children, and even then he was in contempt of court.

Anyhow, to make this story short....yesterday was my court day. I am here in NC and I did win the first half of my battle. They found that I had grounds for termination. His attorney even took him in the back and tried to get him to sign over rights right then. But he refused. My grounds were that he had not seen the boys in 6 months....and that he had not paid child support in one year. We have both had a guardian ad litem visit our homes, and then yesterday after the first battle was won, the guardian testified to what he believed to be true. His findings were that My oldest son now almost 13 yrs old, definetely needed to have rights terminated. My younger 11 year old, being younger was more impressionable, and really didnt want any changes. The guardian said he was 90 percent sure that his rights should be terminated there. Then my exes father was called to testify, because in reality, my ex isnt pushing this, his parents are.....and they havent been any better to my children than he has. My ex father in law testifys to how wonderful of a mother I am, but how rich I am now. I work 12 hour days.....I am always working, and in the spring semester this year, will take on a teaching position at a local college, as well as my current job. I have a little money because I work my *** off, while he sits at home with his 21 year old girlfriend doing nothing.....and admitted to this fact. In any case, he had also brought his mother along, who is "terminally ill" supposedly. She doesnt have cancer or a terminal illness...rather diabetes and has just been put on dialysis. Now, yes she is sick, but she isnt dying....but she put on a tremendous show. 'And then during one 10 min recess, I walked by her to get back to the witness stand, and she called me a f>>khead. How is that for balls???

So here is the tally....the judge didnt want to make a scene due to my exes mother. He is going to talk to the counselors of my children and then make his ruling. My attorney thinks he is diffusing the situation and the tension in the court room. I dont think he wanted to have to tell my ex with his mother there, what he really has to say. We will see on sept 5th, and I will keep you updated.

Our case lasted from 10 am until 4:30pm, and we broke for lunch at 3pm. It was the worst day I think I have ever had, far worse than delivery of a baby.

'Well I am sorry that I wrote so much, but sometimes others perceptions and situations help...because we learn things and then we learn not to be scared. Terminations can result in NC, although I think she is right, in that they dont like to do them. But keep your head up, and most of all, DONT STOP FIGHTING for your daughter. I would die for my boys. They are all I live for. And if I dont get this termination....I will continue fighting for them..'

If you ever need to talk to someone that has been through this stuff...please email me at scart964@hotmail.com

I will be there for anyone who needs help!

susan ;)