I suppose there isn't any real question here, just aggravated with the whole situation!

My ex has been given so many breaks, starting with how OVERLY generous I have been to him regarding the amount of CS - I actually stipulated an amount that was significantly lower than what the dissomaster calculated. I gave him additional proceeds from the sale of our house that legally, I did not have to, but I wanted to help him and to help us remain ammicable. I've forgiven and lowered child support when he was in dire straights, etc.

Thought I was being the "nice guy", but am beginning to think that more likely I was being a doormat. And I suppose I have to accept that this whole situation is at least partly my fault, because I allowed him to expect that he could just put the girls and I at the bottom of the priority list. He has never had a doubt that no matter what he does or doesn't do, I will always make sure the girls have their needs met.

He had a job, they were garnishing, then suddenly the weekly payments have stopped. I heard through one of my daughters that his car had been repossed, and through the other daughter that his car was in the shop. Then my youngest starts telling me about the rental car daddy's been driving. He's been doing things with the girls during the week (when he manages to actually show up and follow through on his promise of "let's go do this or that"), when he should be at work. And if he can afford a rental car, where's the dang child support?!?!

I called DCSS to find out if he was still employed, and why the checks had stopped, and their dang computers were down! He has a court appearance this Friday, which as I understand it is an Order to Appear at which time the judge will issue a work search order, or what have you. I don't know. Case worker told me just to wait until Friday, that we'll know more then. She told me to call her on Monday. I'll be at the court house on Friday - it's a public thing, so I'll be able to hear first hand what's really going on.

Any suggestions on how I can find out if he's still employed. From time to time I ask the girls what daddy's doing since he seems to have such crazy hours. They don't really know, and beyond a casual inquiry, I won't grill them for info. The last time I asked him where he was working, he basically told me I was the enemy and it was none of my business.

Sorry for the long post.

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I gave too but when I was the "enemy" I tightened up a bit of my generosity. I simply asked for co-operation and not to keep expecting me to ....


The CS office found where my ex worked and what the wages were. (She lives in another State) If the courts will order employment, then I would have patience.

You have some company on that boat.

Thank you. Much as I would never wish this crud on another person, it is comforting to know that others are going through this and surviving. :)

Thanks again.

I've made the same mistakes. Given way too much, ignored way too much, and forgiven way too much in order to maintain an "amicable" relationship with my children's fathers. (Married and divorced twice)

Even as we speak, this week I have been forced into consenting to letting my first ex (whom I let make 2 years of equity payments for the house and exactly 50/50 custody despite the court order for immediate equity and every other weekend) have some "recompensatory" time with our daughter because my mother is taking her on vacation next week leaving this Saturday. He threw a fit that she was leaving Saturday and interfering with "his weekend time". Okay. Let's not discuss that his brother just had to take her camping just three weeks ago for an entire week of "my time". (ex harrassed me for two months and got our daughter all hyped up about the trip before I caved in)

Just to make this make sense, an example of 50/50 for us is:

Monday - Friday with dad, the weekend with me then;
Monday - Sunday with dad and dinner with me on Wednesday then;
Monday - Friday with me, the weekend with dad then;
Monday - Sunday with me and dinner with dad on Wednesday then;
it starts over.
We use the holiday schedule for the actual holiday but not the winter, spring, or summer breaks. Who ever has them during those times (according to this regular schedule) can take them on vacation or whatever. Whoever is to have parenting time, picks them up (with the exception of Wednesday dinners when the party getting her picks up and drops off).

With this schedule, it's as 50/50 as we can get and still not go more than 5 days without seeing her.


I've also paid 5 figures of arrearage for my second ex (continuing after our divorce) because his ex really did do him dirty with their daughter by not allowing his visitation for going on 10 years now. (moving out of state without forwarding information in 2000 and no contact at all since then)

I understand both sides as I am a CP and is owed a LOT of arrearage from a timeframe when I really needed the money just to be able to buy enough food and clothes for the kids. To tell a kid that all we have for dinner is peanut butter sandwiches or asking my parents if we could come over for dinner because there was no food, or trying to let out the hem on their pants to make them fit just a little longer is rough on a kid to understand, especially when dad is on a cruise in the Bahamas (first ex).

This is probably why I paid my second ex's arrearage for so long because I know first hand when money is tight, how much worse it is when someone doesn't do their part. I didn't do it for the mother because her actions I feel, deserved not to recieve the CS. I didn't even do it for him really, but more so for the innocent child who should not go without. I have also witnessed first hand, the devastation of a father being denied their right to parent their child.

Everyone has different circumstances and everyone has their own motivations for what they put up with or are willing to do. Don't beat yourself up, especially if what you are doing is motivated by doing what makes it easier on your child.

Doormats may be stepped on but they do a really good job at keeping the dog poo off the kid's shoes and out of the house. :)

Thanks Ohio Step Mom!

I've kind of followed your story, and I've always been amazed at the grace in which you handle a really complicated and chaotic situation!

And I've printed the part about doormats and put it on my bulletin board. Thank you for that!