Positive Thoughts [Archive]

Joy

03-23-2004, 06:06 PM

"Dreamspinner3" <dreamspinner3@hotpop.com> wrote in message
news:6lq160d6g147empq0e5b3ij6fl0hc73cn2@4ax.com... You make her sound like some terrific new product being hawked on a infomercial.

I'll take some of the blame for this - it was my thought that Ted spends too
much time focusing on other women's virtues, and not enough time focusing on
his wife's - to the degree that he doesn't really "see" his wifes good
points - and that coming here and posting a "good point" a day might help
serve to focus his attention on his wife's strengths and thereby change his
whole perception of her.

Joy
On Tue, 23 Mar 2004 10:13:42 -0600, "Seeker" <tedds212removethis@yahoo.com> wrote:She has an incredible memory for detail in history, facts, commitments
andconversations.She is compassionate and generous to those in financial need.Her skin is unwrinkled, ivory white, pleasant to the touch, andunblemished. ----- Kim/Dreamspinner3 Visit My Homepage: http://members.tripod.com/dreamspinner3/

Joy

03-23-2004, 06:06 PM

Cari{P}

03-23-2004, 07:19 PM

Joy wrote: "Dreamspinner3" <dreamspinner3@hotpop.com> wrote in message news:6lq160d6g147empq0e5b3ij6fl0hc73cn2@4ax.com... You make her sound like some terrific new product being hawked on ainfomercial. I'll take some of the blame for this - it was my thought that Ted spends too much time focusing on other women's virtues, and not enough time focusing on his wife's - to the degree that he doesn't really "see" his wifes good points - and that coming here and posting a "good point" a day might help serve to focus his attention on his wife's strengths and thereby change his whole perception of her. Joy

Too bad you didn't suggest that he write these things to her in notes
every day instead of pimping her out here :P

Cari{P}

03-23-2004, 07:19 PM

Joy

03-23-2004, 07:56 PM

"Cari{P}" <cari_p@comcast.net> wrote in message
news:XoSdnQowZZ_EY_3dRVn-iQ@comcast.com... Joy wrote: "Dreamspinner3" <dreamspinner3@hotpop.com> wrote in message news:6lq160d6g147empq0e5b3ij6fl0hc73cn2@4ax.com... You make her sound like some terrific new product being hawked on ainfomercial. I'll take some of the blame for this - it was my thought that Ted spends
too much time focusing on other women's virtues, and not enough time
focusing on his wife's - to the degree that he doesn't really "see" his wifes good points - and that coming here and posting a "good point" a day might
help serve to focus his attention on his wife's strengths and thereby change
his whole perception of her. Joy Too bad you didn't suggest that he write these things to her in notes every day instead of pimping her out here :P

It would be a great thing for him to do, of course - but I can't see Ted
doing that. I can see him benefitting from feeling "accountable" to the
group to follow through, of course. Maybe it would be better if he had a
leading paragraph like "training myself to value my wife by posting an
admirable quality every day".

Joy

03-23-2004, 07:56 PM

Tai

03-23-2004, 08:21 PM

Cari{P} wrote: Joy wrote: "Dreamspinner3" <dreamspinner3@hotpop.com> wrote in message news:6lq160d6g147empq0e5b3ij6fl0hc73cn2@4ax.com... You make her sound like some terrific new product being hawked on a infomercial. I'll take some of the blame for this - it was my thought that Ted spends too much time focusing on other women's virtues, and not enough time focusing on his wife's - to the degree that he doesn't really "see" his wifes good points - and that coming here and posting a "good point" a day might help serve to focus his attention on his wife's strengths and thereby change his whole perception of her. Joy Too bad you didn't suggest that he write these things to her in notes every day instead of pimping her out here :P

I don't think he's pimping her out here but given the <cough> negative
reaction Ted's been getting perhaps it would be better if he made his list
privately. Or maybe he could email it to me and Joy. ;)

I don't think he should be giving his wife the notes, though. An occasional
one, yes, but not on a daily basis. This is homework for Ted and not a
loving gesture to his wife under these circumstances. Ted needs to do lots
of revision on thinking of his wife in positive ways.

Ted, I've meant to say that lately I've felt I've seen glimpses of the
person your wife is and have thought you've talked about her with greater
degrees of humanity and appreciation.

Tai

Tai

03-23-2004, 08:21 PM

Seeker

03-24-2004, 07:40 AM

She shares my religious beliefs and supports my spiritual activities.

She has an incredible memory for detail in history, facts, commitments and
conversations.

She is compassionate and generous to those in financial need.

Her skin is unwrinkled, ivory white, pleasant to the touch, and
unblemished.

Seeker

03-24-2004, 07:40 AM

Joy

03-24-2004, 08:37 PM

FWIW, I make a point of looking for this every day. Just thought it might
be helpful for you to know. Nice comments, BTW.

"Seeker" <tedds212removethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:c3sa4s$2c75dj$1@ID-123438.news.uni-berlin.de... She shares my religious beliefs and supports my spiritual activities. She has an incredible memory for detail in history, facts, commitments and conversations. She is compassionate and generous to those in financial need. Her skin is unwrinkled, ivory white, pleasant to the touch, and unblemished.

Joy

03-24-2004, 08:37 PM

Seeker

03-25-2004, 07:38 AM

Seeker

03-25-2004, 07:38 AM

Phil T

03-25-2004, 07:57 AM

HI "Seeker"

I hate to burst your bubble, but perfection does not exists in the
world we live in ... Come back to EARTH!

She is compassionate and generous to those in financial need.Her skin is unwrinkled, ivory white, pleasant to the touch, andunblemished.

Phil T

03-25-2004, 07:57 AM

Seeker

03-26-2004, 09:01 AM

Seeker

03-26-2004, 09:01 AM

Seeker

03-27-2004, 11:51 AM

Seeker

03-27-2004, 11:51 AM

Seeker

03-28-2004, 10:01 AM

In article <270320041351352031%anon-30263@anon.twwells.com>, Seeker
<anon-30263@anon.twwells.com> wrote:

[One of the people here suggested as a therapeutic "assignment" that I
post here every day one positive thought about my wife. It seemed to
me that the best way to do it would be to add one new thought to the
list of thoughts each day and post the whole list. In general I am not
going to reply to responses to these postings. -- Ted]

She always remembers special occasions of family and friends and takes
care to send a card or a gift when appropriate.

She has a deep sense of morality, fairness, justice, and duty.

She is frugal, but not stingy.

Family is very important to her, perhaps more important than anything
else.

She shares my religious beliefs and supports my spiritual activities.

She has an incredible memory for detail in history, facts, commitments
and conversations.

She is compassionate and generous to those in financial need.

Her skin is unwrinkled, ivory white, pleasant to the touch, and
unblemished.

Seeker

03-28-2004, 10:01 AM

Seeker

03-29-2004, 08:18 AM

Seeker

03-29-2004, 08:18 AM

Seeker

03-30-2004, 09:35 AM

[One of the people here suggested as a therapeutic "assignment" that I
post here every day one positive thought about my wife. It seemed to
me that the best way to do it would be to add one new thought to the
list of thoughts each day and post the whole list. In general I am not
going to reply to responses to these postings. -- Ted]

She is patient and persistent.

She ensures we eat a healthy diet.

She always remembers special occasions of family and friends and takes
care to send a card or a gift when appropriate.

She has a deep sense of morality, fairness, justice, and duty.

She is frugal, but not stingy.

Family is very important to her, perhaps more important than anything
else.

She shares my religious beliefs and supports my spiritual activities.

She has an incredible memory for detail in history, facts, commitments
and conversations.

She is compassionate and generous to those in financial need.

Her skin is unwrinkled, ivory white, pleasant to the touch, and
unblemished.

Seeker

03-30-2004, 09:35 AM

Seeker

03-31-2004, 07:46 AM

[One of the people here suggested as a therapeutic "assignment" that I
post here every day one positive thought about my wife. It seemed to
me that the best way to do it would be to add one new thought to the
list of thoughts each day and post the whole list. In general I am not
going to reply to responses to these postings. -- Ted]

Even though it is still painful, she continues to go to joint marriage
counselling with me.

She is patient and persistent.

She ensures we eat a healthy diet.

She always remembers special occasions of family and friends and takes
care to send a card or a gift when appropriate.

She has a deep sense of morality, fairness, justice, and duty.

She is frugal, but not stingy.

Family is very important to her, perhaps more important than anything
else.

She shares my religious beliefs and supports my spiritual activities.

She has an incredible memory for detail in history, facts, commitments
and conversations.

She is compassionate and generous to those in financial need.

Her skin is unwrinkled, ivory white, pleasant to the touch, and
unblemished.

Seeker

03-31-2004, 07:46 AM

[One of the people here suggested as a therapeutic "assignment" that I
post here every day one positive thought about my wife. It seemed to
me that the best way to do it would be to add one new thought to the
list of thoughts each day and post the whole list. In general I am not
going to reply to responses to these postings. -- Ted]

Even though it is still painful, she continues to go to joint marriage
counselling with me.

She is patient and persistent.

She ensures we eat a healthy diet.

She always remembers special occasions of family and friends and takes
care to send a card or a gift when appropriate.

She has a deep sense of morality, fairness, justice, and duty.

She is frugal, but not stingy.

Family is very important to her, perhaps more important than anything
else.

She shares my religious beliefs and supports my spiritual activities.

She has an incredible memory for detail in history, facts, commitments
and conversations.

She is compassionate and generous to those in financial need.

Her skin is unwrinkled, ivory white, pleasant to the touch, and
unblemished.

Seeker

04-01-2004, 08:36 AM

[One of the people here suggested as a therapeutic "assignment" that I
post here every day one positive thought about my wife. It seemed to
me that the best way to do it would be to add one new thought to the
list of thoughts each day and post the whole list. In general I am not
going to reply to responses to these postings. -- Ted]

She is an expert on financial matters. [This morning as I was leaving for
work somebody on CNBC was explaining how the Dow Jones average is computed.
He said something like "anybody who follows all this and is interested in it
is a member of the 'get a life' club. My wife smiled and looked at me and
said, "I'm it's president."]

Even though it is still painful, she continues to go to joint marriage
counselling with me.

She is patient and persistent.

She ensures we eat a healthy diet.

She always remembers special occasions of family and friends and takes
care to send a card or a gift when appropriate.

She has a deep sense of morality, fairness, justice, and duty.

She is frugal, but not stingy.

Family is very important to her, perhaps more important than anything
else.

She shares my religious beliefs and supports my spiritual activities.

She has an incredible memory for detail in history, facts, commitments
and conversations.

She is compassionate and generous to those in financial need.

Her skin is unwrinkled, ivory white, pleasant to the touch, and
unblemished.

Seeker

04-01-2004, 08:36 AM

[One of the people here suggested as a therapeutic "assignment" that I
post here every day one positive thought about my wife. It seemed to
me that the best way to do it would be to add one new thought to the
list of thoughts each day and post the whole list. In general I am not
going to reply to responses to these postings. -- Ted]

She is an expert on financial matters. [This morning as I was leaving for
work somebody on CNBC was explaining how the Dow Jones average is computed.
He said something like "anybody who follows all this and is interested in it
is a member of the 'get a life' club. My wife smiled and looked at me and
said, "I'm it's president."]

Even though it is still painful, she continues to go to joint marriage
counselling with me.

She is patient and persistent.

She ensures we eat a healthy diet.

She always remembers special occasions of family and friends and takes
care to send a card or a gift when appropriate.

She has a deep sense of morality, fairness, justice, and duty.

She is frugal, but not stingy.

Family is very important to her, perhaps more important than anything
else.

She shares my religious beliefs and supports my spiritual activities.

She has an incredible memory for detail in history, facts, commitments
and conversations.

She is compassionate and generous to those in financial need.

Her skin is unwrinkled, ivory white, pleasant to the touch, and
unblemished.

Seeker

04-02-2004, 08:50 AM

[One of the people here suggested as a therapeutic "assignment" that I
post here every day one positive thought about my wife. It seemed to
me that the best way to do it would be to add one new thought to the
list of thoughts each day and post the whole list. In general I am not
going to reply to responses to these postings. -- Ted]

She respects authority.

She is an expert on financial matters.

Even though it is still painful, she continues to go to joint marriage
counselling with me.

She is patient and persistent.

She ensures we eat a healthy diet.

She always remembers special occasions of family and friends and takes
care to send a card or a gift when appropriate.

She has a deep sense of morality, fairness, justice, and duty.

She is frugal, but not stingy.

Family is very important to her, perhaps more important than anything
else.

She shares my religious beliefs and supports my spiritual activities.

She has an incredible memory for detail in history, facts, commitments
and conversations.

She is compassionate and generous to those in financial need.

Her skin is unwrinkled, ivory white, pleasant to the touch, and
unblemished.

Seeker

04-02-2004, 08:50 AM

[One of the people here suggested as a therapeutic "assignment" that I
post here every day one positive thought about my wife. It seemed to
me that the best way to do it would be to add one new thought to the
list of thoughts each day and post the whole list. In general I am not
going to reply to responses to these postings. -- Ted]

She respects authority.

She is an expert on financial matters.

Even though it is still painful, she continues to go to joint marriage
counselling with me.

She is patient and persistent.

She ensures we eat a healthy diet.

She always remembers special occasions of family and friends and takes
care to send a card or a gift when appropriate.

She has a deep sense of morality, fairness, justice, and duty.

She is frugal, but not stingy.

Family is very important to her, perhaps more important than anything
else.

She shares my religious beliefs and supports my spiritual activities.

She has an incredible memory for detail in history, facts, commitments
and conversations.

She is compassionate and generous to those in financial need.

Her skin is unwrinkled, ivory white, pleasant to the touch, and
unblemished.

Seeker

04-03-2004, 10:29 AM

[One of the people here suggested as a therapeutic "assignment" that I
post here every day one positive thought about my wife. It seemed to
me that the best way to do it would be to add one new thought to the
list of thoughts each day and post the whole list. In general I am not
going to reply to responses to these postings. -- Ted]

She ensures we have clean laundry and I have presentable clothes to
wear.

She respects authority.

She is an expert on financial matters.

Even though it is still painful, she continues to go to joint marriage
counselling with me.

She is patient and persistent.

She ensures we eat a healthy diet.

She always remembers special occasions of family and friends and takes
care to send a card or a gift when appropriate.

She has a deep sense of morality, fairness, justice, and duty.

She is frugal, but not stingy.

Family is very important to her, perhaps more important than anything
else.

She shares my religious beliefs and supports my spiritual activities.

She has an incredible memory for detail in history, facts, commitments
and conversations.

She is compassionate and generous to those in financial need.

Her skin is unwrinkled, ivory white, pleasant to the touch, and
unblemished.

Seeker

04-03-2004, 10:29 AM

[One of the people here suggested as a therapeutic "assignment" that I
post here every day one positive thought about my wife. It seemed to
me that the best way to do it would be to add one new thought to the
list of thoughts each day and post the whole list. In general I am not
going to reply to responses to these postings. -- Ted]

She ensures we have clean laundry and I have presentable clothes to
wear.

She respects authority.

She is an expert on financial matters.

Even though it is still painful, she continues to go to joint marriage
counselling with me.

She is patient and persistent.

She ensures we eat a healthy diet.

She always remembers special occasions of family and friends and takes
care to send a card or a gift when appropriate.

She has a deep sense of morality, fairness, justice, and duty.

She is frugal, but not stingy.

Family is very important to her, perhaps more important than anything
else.

She shares my religious beliefs and supports my spiritual activities.

She has an incredible memory for detail in history, facts, commitments
and conversations.

She is compassionate and generous to those in financial need.

Her skin is unwrinkled, ivory white, pleasant to the touch, and
unblemished.

Joy

04-03-2004, 11:10 AM

You know, Ted, she sounds like an awfully nice person. I hope you realize
that to a lot of people, you have what sounds like a dream wife. If you
don't appreciate her, maybe you should hang out on ASD a while and see just
how good you've got it.

I'd also suggest keeping up the daily appreciation post. Do you think she'd
appreciate a card or note based on these things for her next birthday, or
your next anniversary?

"Seeker" <anon-30263@anon.twwells.com> wrote in message
news:030420041229470431%anon-30263@anon.twwells.com... [One of the people here suggested as a therapeutic "assignment" that I post here every day one positive thought about my wife. It seemed to me that the best way to do it would be to add one new thought to the list of thoughts each day and post the whole list. In general I am not going to reply to responses to these postings. -- Ted] She ensures we have clean laundry and I have presentable clothes to wear. She respects authority. She is an expert on financial matters. Even though it is still painful, she continues to go to joint marriage counselling with me. She is patient and persistent. She ensures we eat a healthy diet. She always remembers special occasions of family and friends and takes care to send a card or a gift when appropriate. She has a deep sense of morality, fairness, justice, and duty. She is frugal, but not stingy. Family is very important to her, perhaps more important than anything else. She shares my religious beliefs and supports my spiritual activities. She has an incredible memory for detail in history, facts, commitments and conversations. She is compassionate and generous to those in financial need. Her skin is unwrinkled, ivory white, pleasant to the touch, and unblemished.

Joy

04-03-2004, 11:10 AM

Seeker

04-05-2004, 07:51 AM

Yes, she is a very nice person. Does that give you any hint as to why this
is such a struggle? I should be grateful and have no complaints. Other
women shouldn't interest me in the slightest. I should find excuses to
stay home -- not excuses to be someplace else, with someone else. But
that's not the way it is -- why, and what can I do about it?

Ted

"Joy" <joydoesntlikespam@nospam.yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:nYDbc.4714$tT3.2090@bignews6.bellsouth.net... You know, Ted, she sounds like an awfully nice person. I hope you
realize that to a lot of people, you have what sounds like a dream wife. If you don't appreciate her, maybe you should hang out on ASD a while and see
just how good you've got it.

Seeker

04-05-2004, 07:51 AM

Doug Anderson

04-05-2004, 08:05 AM

"Seeker" <tedds212removethis@yahoo.com> writes:
[One of the people here suggested as a therapeutic "assignment" that I post here every day one positive thought about my wife. It seemed to me that the best way to do it would be to add one new thought to the list of thoughts each day and post the whole list. In general I am not going to reply to responses to these postings. -- Ted] She takes care of all our financial matters, including paying the bills on time. She likes me because I am different from other men.

It is nice that you're doing this, Ted. But I wonder about this one.
Are you different in the ways that she likes? Or does she just think
you are?

From what you've written before, I have the impression that it is the
latter.

Doug Anderson

04-05-2004, 08:05 AM

Joy

04-05-2004, 04:04 PM

"Seeker" <tedds212removethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:c4rrph$2lm946$1@ID-123438.news.uni-berlin.de... Yes, she is a very nice person. Does that give you any hint as to why
this is such a struggle? I should be grateful and have no complaints. Other women shouldn't interest me in the slightest. I should find excuses to stay home -- not excuses to be someplace else, with someone else. But that's not the way it is -- why, and what can I do about it? Ted

Based on this, I'd say the problem doesn't lie with her at all - the problem
comes from your side of the relationship. This makes you the logical person
to correct it, instead of her. Your "what can I do about it" is a good
question - focus on the what can *I* do about it part, instead of focusing
on how you think *she* should change. I think you've invested a huge amount
of emotional energy on wanting her to change to make you happy - and that is
not an effective place to invest your energy. Invest it in yourself, and in
learning to appreciate what you have.

"Joy" <joydoesntlikespam@nospam.yahoo.com> wrote in message news:nYDbc.4714$tT3.2090@bignews6.bellsouth.net... You know, Ted, she sounds like an awfully nice person. I hope you realize that to a lot of people, you have what sounds like a dream wife. If you don't appreciate her, maybe you should hang out on ASD a while and see just how good you've got it.

Joy

04-05-2004, 04:04 PM

Seeker

04-06-2004, 09:01 AM

"Joy" <joydoesntlikespam@nospam.yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:Ezlcc.1531$ZT1.62@bignews6.bellsouth.net... Based on this, I'd say the problem doesn't lie with her at all - the
problem comes from your side of the relationship. This makes you the logical
person to correct it, instead of her. Your "what can I do about it" is a good question - focus on the what can *I* do about it part, instead of focusing on how you think *she* should change. I think you've invested a huge
amount of emotional energy on wanting her to change to make you happy - and that
is not an effective place to invest your energy. Invest it in yourself, and
in learning to appreciate what you have.
Are you telling me to abandon my needs and hopes and desires and be content
with what I have?

Ted

Seeker

04-06-2004, 09:01 AM

Joy

04-06-2004, 03:59 PM

"Seeker" <tedds212removethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:c4uk8l$2m9hm9$1@ID-123438.news.uni-berlin.de... "Joy" <joydoesntlikespam@nospam.yahoo.com> wrote in message news:Ezlcc.1531$ZT1.62@bignews6.bellsouth.net... Based on this, I'd say the problem doesn't lie with her at all - the problem comes from your side of the relationship. This makes you the logical person to correct it, instead of her. Your "what can I do about it" is a good question - focus on the what can *I* do about it part, instead of
focusing on how you think *she* should change. I think you've invested a huge amount of emotional energy on wanting her to change to make you happy - and
that is not an effective place to invest your energy. Invest it in yourself,
and in learning to appreciate what you have. Are you telling me to abandon my needs and hopes and desires and be
content with what I have?

Completely apart from the obvious fact that you ARE having a lot of your
needs and hopes and desires met (more than a lot of people, I'd say) I'm
saying that having your hopes and desires met isn't all there is to life -
or even the most important thing.

At two opposite extremes are two kinds of people - at one extreme is the
kind who says "its all about MEEEEEE" and focuses on getting his or her OWN
needs and hopes and desires met, and at the other extreme is the kind who
focuses on helping OTHER people get their needs and hopes and desires met.
Most of us (including you, Ted, this isn't intended as a slam) fall
somewhere in the middle. All of us have the ability to move ourselves in
one direction or the other on the continuum. I am suggesting - nay, saying
outright - that the happiest people - and the ones who ultimately make the
most difference in the world and lives of others - and the ones who move in
the direction of focusing more on others and less on themselves.

Joy

04-06-2004, 03:59 PM

Caren

04-06-2004, 06:09 PM

"Seeker" <tedds212removethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:<c4uk8l$2m9hm9$1@ID-123438.news.uni-berlin.de>... "Joy" <joydoesntlikespam@nospam.yahoo.com> wrote in message news:Ezlcc.1531$ZT1.62@bignews6.bellsouth.net... Based on this, I'd say the problem doesn't lie with her at all - the problem comes from your side of the relationship. This makes you the logical person to correct it, instead of her. Your "what can I do about it" is a good question - focus on the what can *I* do about it part, instead of focusing on how you think *she* should change. I think you've invested a huge amount of emotional energy on wanting her to change to make you happy - and that is not an effective place to invest your energy. Invest it in yourself, and in learning to appreciate what you have. Are you telling me to abandon my needs and hopes and desires and be content with what I have? Ted

Rarely is it the fault of one person in the case of marital woes.
More often than not, it takes two to tango. The importance of fessing
up and being accountable is often undermined. I don't know how you
can say that the problem doesn't lie with his wife, with uncertainty.
I have picked up on some control issues, she does not enjoy going
out and that she is in bed when he gets home from work, watching tv.
Maybe I have it wrong, but those are a few things that I picked up.

Caren

04-06-2004, 06:09 PM

Tracey

04-06-2004, 06:59 PM

Caren wrote:
I don't know how you can say that the problem doesn't lie with hiswife, with uncertainty.

I don't know about anyone else but when someone posts here, it's
pretty fruitless to spend much time on the person who ISN'T posting
here is like or should or shouldn't do. For one thing, their (person
not posting) actions and behaviors are being filtered through someone
else's eyes. And for another, it's fruitless to say 'They need to
change.' They're not here. They're not saying they want to change.
They're not the one with the problem with how things are going in their
life. And there's no way to force another person to change.
I have picked up on some control issues, she does not enjoy going out and that she is in bed when he gets home from work, watching tv. Maybe I have it wrong, but those are a few things that I picked up.

I agree that Ted's wife has some, uhm, quirks that would probably
make Ted's life happier if she would stop them. I'm not sure where
you get she doesn't enjoy going out. She seems to enjoy it when she
goes, it's just not to the places that Ted wants to/likes to go. As
far as the being in bed when he gets home from work, I had read it
as 'when he gets home' and, having heard his schedule, he's gone
most every night.

Look, I'm not saying Ted's wife is perfect and he should get down
on bended knee in thanks that he has her. I just think that, after
all the time they've spent in counseling and the glacial pace of
change that is taking place, the significant and difficult changes
that Ted wants from his wife are going to take many, many more years
to happen (if they happen at all.) All of the breast-beating and
the collapsing in tears that Ted is doing about it now is not going
to make it go any faster and is doing *nothing* but make him miserable.
If he's able to start looking at the good things in his life and his
wife and his marriage and stop focusing on the negatives, he might
be able to make it through the years until the changes happen and,
IMO, it will make the changes come faster.

IMO and IME, positive thoughts promote positive interactions which
promote faster change. Negative thoughts only slow the process down.

Tracey

Tracey

04-06-2004, 06:59 PM

Jingle Bells

04-07-2004, 08:02 AM

caren50@msn.com (Caren) wrote in message news:<3754f0b3.0404061709.7adc28b4@posting.google.com>... "Seeker" <tedds212removethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:<c4uk8l$2m9hm9$1@ID-123438.news.uni-berlin.de>... "Joy" <joydoesntlikespam@nospam.yahoo.com> wrote in message news:Ezlcc.1531$ZT1.62@bignews6.bellsouth.net...> Based on this, I'd say the problem doesn't lie with her at all - the problem comes from your side of the relationship. This makes you the logical person to correct it, instead of her. Your "what can I do about it" is a good question - focus on the what can *I* do about it part, instead of focusing on how you think *she* should change. I think you've invested a huge amount of emotional energy on wanting her to change to make you happy - and that is not an effective place to invest your energy. Invest it in yourself, and in learning to appreciate what you have. Are you telling me to abandon my needs and hopes and desires and be content with what I have? Ted Rarely is it the fault of one person in the case of marital woes. More often than not, it takes two to tango. The importance of fessing up and being accountable is often undermined. I don't know how you can say that the problem doesn't lie with his wife, with uncertainty. I have picked up on some control issues, she does not enjoy going out and that she is in bed when he gets home from work, watching tv. Maybe I have it wrong, but those are a few things that I picked up.

FWIW I don't think Ted's wife as he's described her is someone many
men would find very interesting, although some may be quite happy with
her. She seems to have few if any hobbies, virtually no friends, not
much interest in travel and has little energy for anything other than
TV in the evening. OK, so I know a number of men like that too ;-)

Her lack of energy sounds like it's due to a medical problem, but I
wonder if a bit of excersise might help her.

I also get the impression that she more or less runs the show and
reacts quite strongly when things don't go her way. Ted's afraid of
her, although that may say as much about Ted as it does about her.

There are two big problems. I think what Ted wants is almost the
opposite of who she is. His expectations are too high. She's not going
to change that much and if she did he'd probably be miserable because
he'd miss those qualities of hers that he takes for granted today.
He'd also probably be jealeous of all the other people that would
suddenly be in her life.

The other problem is that Ted himself is an obstacle to her changing.
He won't tell her what he wants directly and won't give her the
emotional intimacy that he expects from her. Instead he saves his
emotional intimacy for other women and drags his wife to counseling in
order to enlist the help an "expert" to get her to behave differently.

Nevertheless things do seem to be getting better, so something is
working.

Jingle Bells

04-07-2004, 08:02 AM

Seeker

04-07-2004, 11:56 AM

"Jingle Bells" <jinglebells5555@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:f804e152.0404070702.41580283@posting.google.c om... FWIW I don't think Ted's wife as he's described her is someone many men would find very interesting, although some may be quite happy with her. She seems to have few if any hobbies, virtually no friends, not much interest in travel and has little energy for anything other than TV in the evening. OK, so I know a number of men like that too ;-) Her lack of energy sounds like it's due to a medical problem, but I wonder if a bit of excersise might help her. I also get the impression that she more or less runs the show and reacts quite strongly when things don't go her way. Ted's afraid of her, although that may say as much about Ted as it does about her. There are two big problems. I think what Ted wants is almost the opposite of who she is. His expectations are too high. She's not going to change that much and if she did he'd probably be miserable because he'd miss those qualities of hers that he takes for granted today. He'd also probably be jealeous of all the other people that would suddenly be in her life. The other problem is that Ted himself is an obstacle to her changing. He won't tell her what he wants directly and won't give her the emotional intimacy that he expects from her. Instead he saves his emotional intimacy for other women and drags his wife to counseling in order to enlist the help an "expert" to get her to behave differently. Nevertheless things do seem to be getting better, so something is working.

I could quibble on some of the details, but on the whole I'd say that's a
pretty accurate summary. Do you understand some of the reasons why I am
afraid to tell her what I want directly? It's not just that I am afraid to
face up to the possibility that she can't give me what I want -- but to
place her in a position of having to admit that to herself may be more than
I feel I have a right to do.

Ted

Seeker

04-07-2004, 11:56 AM

Jingle Bells

04-07-2004, 02:32 PM

"Seeker" <tedds212removethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:<c51itl$2nieei$1@ID-123438.news.uni-berlin.de>... "Jingle Bells" <jinglebells5555@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:f804e152.0404070702.41580283@posting.google.c om... FWIW I don't think Ted's wife as he's described her is someone many men would find very interesting, although some may be quite happy with her. She seems to have few if any hobbies, virtually no friends, not much interest in travel and has little energy for anything other than TV in the evening. OK, so I know a number of men like that too ;-) Her lack of energy sounds like it's due to a medical problem, but I wonder if a bit of excersise might help her. I also get the impression that she more or less runs the show and reacts quite strongly when things don't go her way. Ted's afraid of her, although that may say as much about Ted as it does about her. There are two big problems. I think what Ted wants is almost the opposite of who she is. His expectations are too high. She's not going to change that much and if she did he'd probably be miserable because he'd miss those qualities of hers that he takes for granted today. He'd also probably be jealeous of all the other people that would suddenly be in her life. The other problem is that Ted himself is an obstacle to her changing. He won't tell her what he wants directly and won't give her the emotional intimacy that he expects from her. Instead he saves his emotional intimacy for other women and drags his wife to counseling in order to enlist the help an "expert" to get her to behave differently. Nevertheless things do seem to be getting better, so something is working. I could quibble on some of the details, but on the whole I'd say that's a pretty accurate summary. Do you understand some of the reasons why I am afraid to tell her what I want directly?

Revealing things about yourself to a person you think won't like those
things is not easy. That I understand.

I also understand that it can hard to tell people you want something
from them that will be difficult or impossible for them to deliver on.
It's not just that I am afraid to face up to the possibility that she can't give me what I want -- but to place her in a position of having to admit that to herself may be more than I feel I have a right to do. Ted

If you're going to continue to complain and be unhappy with your wife,
you have an obligation to tell her what it is you want. Let her decide
what she can and can't give you.

I realize and understand that you don't want to make your wife feel as
though she can't make you happy. However the inescapable fact is that
you are not happy and that she is not giving you what you want. If you
never tell her what it is you want, your fear will be
self-fullfilling.

Jingle Bells

04-07-2004, 02:32 PM

Seeker

04-09-2004, 01:03 PM

"shinypenny" <shinypenny0001@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:c8cb5319.0404091200.2f8ae76f@posting.google.c om... "Seeker" <tedds212removethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:<c53pug$2c8cds$1@ID-123438.news.uni-berlin.de>... [One of the people here suggested as a therapeutic "assignment" that I post here every day one positive thought about my wife. It seemed to me that the best way to do it would be to add one new thought to the list of thoughts each day and post the whole list. In general I am not going to reply to responses to these postings. -- Ted] She has managed to stay sane after 40 years of marriage to me, a very trying person who has exhausted almost everybody else's patience with my knack for rationalization and overanalysis. :-) (Sorry, Ted, there's no way I'd have remained sane past year one... !)

I'll have to think of a shorter way of putting that -- but you do have a
point!
On the other hand, I do not (hard though it may be to believe) expose her to
this kind of stuff. I may have better judgment than I give myself credit
for!

Ted

Seeker

04-09-2004, 01:03 PM

Seeker

04-10-2004, 11:52 AM

I> "shinypenny" <shinypenny0001@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:c8cb5319.0404091200.2f8ae76f@posting.google.c om... "Seeker" <tedds212removethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:<c53pug$2c8cds$1@ID-123438.news.uni-berlin.de>... [One of the people here suggested as a therapeutic "assignment" that I post here every day one positive thought about my wife. It seemed to me that the best way to do it would be to add one new thought to the list of thoughts each day and post the whole list. In general I am not going to reply to responses to these postings. -- Ted] She has managed to stay sane after 40 years of marriage to me, a very trying person who has exhausted almost everybody else's patience with my knack for rationalization and overanalysis.

I am rewording this slightly, if only for the reason that I *don't* act
that way in front of her -- I never tell her any of my thoughts along
these lines. The picture I present her is not the picture I present
here. Sorry.

Ted

Seeker

04-10-2004, 11:52 AM

Doug Anderson

04-10-2004, 12:08 PM

Seeker <anon-30263@anon.twwells.com> writes:
I> "shinypenny" <shinypenny0001@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:c8cb5319.0404091200.2f8ae76f@posting.google.c om... "Seeker" <tedds212removethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:<c53pug$2c8cds$1@ID-123438.news.uni-berlin.de>... > [One of the people here suggested as a therapeutic "assignment" that I > post here every day one positive thought about my wife. It seemed to > me that the best way to do it would be to add one new thought to the > list of thoughts each day and post the whole list. In general I am not > going to reply to responses to these postings. -- Ted] She has managed to stay sane after 40 years of marriage to me, a very trying person who has exhausted almost everybody else's patience with my knack for rationalization and overanalysis. I am rewording this slightly, if only for the reason that I *don't* act that way in front of her -- I never tell her any of my thoughts along these lines. The picture I present her is not the picture I present here. Sorry.

So should it be reworded as "she is patient with the fact that I hide
my true self from her, thereby helping to sabotage the possibility of a
more intimate relationship?"

Doug Anderson

04-10-2004, 12:08 PM

Seeker

04-13-2004, 10:26 AM

"Tsam Nami" <tsam-nami@tidal.wav> wrote in message
news:T8Vec.8143$A_4.5396@newsread1.news.pas.earthl ink.net... This is an interesting statement, containing a (largely approproate) criticism of Ted but also a statement about his wife, (and a pretty strong one at that). Ted, the patience attributed to her accurate?
Not really, but I tried to stick to my resolution of not commenting in this
thread.
As someone who believes in keeping things to herself it requires no act of
patience to be with someone else who also was comfortable with that.
Remember, even up until two years or so ago she thought she knew me, that
everything was fine -- it doesn't sound like any particular patience was
required. I do grant that she endured and was patient with (if that's the
right word) the period of my serious drinking -- but seeing as she perceives
(even if wrongly) that as being a few months at worse I'm not sure patience
is quite the right word for it. Yes, I have very strong feelings of
gratitude and shame about that period, for what I put her through. But I
don't think that's what Doug's talking about.

Now, the last few years are a different matter -- she is clearly having to
deal with how I am different now from how I was before. And, to be honest,
I wouldn't say she's been particularly patient about it. (She still
complains on some level every single week about "having" to go to therapy.)
She made one remark the other day, however, that I took to be encouraging,
in an odd sort of way -- she said that now that we've started counselling
stopping would be like putting one of those surprise snakes back in the can.
You can't really do it.

Ted

Seeker

04-13-2004, 10:26 AM

whisper

04-13-2004, 01:18 PM

You can tell her she doesn't HAVE to go to therapy.. its her choice...but
you are going with or with out her...and that you would LIKE her to join
you..so that you can Grow together.

Kass
"Seeker" <tedds212removethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:c5h7rb$1jbgu$1@ID-123438.news.uni-berlin.de... "Tsam Nami" <tsam-nami@tidal.wav> wrote in message news:T8Vec.8143$A_4.5396@newsread1.news.pas.earthl ink.net... This is an interesting statement, containing a (largely approproate) criticism of Ted but also a statement about his wife, (and a pretty strong one at that). Ted, the patience attributed to her accurate? Not really, but I tried to stick to my resolution of not commenting in
this thread. As someone who believes in keeping things to herself it requires no act of patience to be with someone else who also was comfortable with that. Remember, even up until two years or so ago she thought she knew me, that everything was fine -- it doesn't sound like any particular patience was required. I do grant that she endured and was patient with (if that's
the right word) the period of my serious drinking -- but seeing as she
perceives (even if wrongly) that as being a few months at worse I'm not sure
patience is quite the right word for it. Yes, I have very strong feelings of gratitude and shame about that period, for what I put her through. But I don't think that's what Doug's talking about. Now, the last few years are a different matter -- she is clearly having to deal with how I am different now from how I was before. And, to be
honest, I wouldn't say she's been particularly patient about it. (She still complains on some level every single week about "having" to go to
therapy.) She made one remark the other day, however, that I took to be encouraging, in an odd sort of way -- she said that now that we've started counselling stopping would be like putting one of those surprise snakes back in the
can. You can't really do it. Ted

whisper

04-13-2004, 01:18 PM

Bill in Co.

04-13-2004, 05:53 PM

Growth??? Is there any REAL growth (not just words) here? Where is it?
(just asking, if someone would be so kind as to please graciously illuminate
me)

whisper wrote: You can tell her she doesn't HAVE to go to therapy.. its her choice...but you are going with or with out her...and that you would LIKE her to join you..so that you can Grow together. Kass "Seeker" <tedds212removethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:c5h7rb$1jbgu$1@ID-123438.news.uni-berlin.de... "Tsam Nami" <tsam-nami@tidal.wav> wrote in message news:T8Vec.8143$A_4.5396@newsread1.news.pas.earthl ink.net... This is an interesting statement, containing a (largely approproate) criticism of Ted but also a statement about his wife, (and a pretty strong one at that). Ted, the patience attributed to her accurate? Not really, but I tried to stick to my resolution of not commenting in this thread. As someone who believes in keeping things to herself it requires no act of patience to be with someone else who also was comfortable with that. Remember, even up until two years or so ago she thought she knew me, that everything was fine -- it doesn't sound like any particular patience was required. I do grant that she endured and was patient with (if that's the right word) the period of my serious drinking -- but seeing as she perceives (even if wrongly) that as being a few months at worse I'm not sure patience is quite the right word for it. Yes, I have very strong feelings of gratitude and shame about that period, for what I put her through. But I don't think that's what Doug's talking about. Now, the last few years are a different matter -- she is clearly having to deal with how I am different now from how I was before. And, to be honest, I wouldn't say she's been particularly patient about it. (She still complains on some level every single week about "having" to go to therapy.) She made one remark the other day, however, that I took to be encouraging, in an odd sort of way -- she said that now that we've started counselling stopping would be like putting one of those surprise snakes back in the can. You can't really do it. Ted

Bill in Co.

04-13-2004, 05:53 PM