Friends of ours just broke up. He dumped her. They are both divorced with
kids. She has two teenagers and he two under 10. They had been dating for a
couple of years. They each lived in their own apartment. He is currently
getting screwed by his ex-wife for child support and alamony. He is just too
nice to try to fight back in court even though it was his wife who walked
out on him, for somebody else.
Anyway, back to the story. The last few months he has been trying to tell
Maria to back off a little bit and give him some space. She was always
coming over to his apartment tell him how to raise his kids, and even try to
tell him what he should be doing in court.She would always hang around when
he was trying to have 'guys nights'. It was beginning to bother him to the
point that she has totally chased him away. This guy is somewhat of a loner
and likes to have somedays when he can just sit in front of the TV and watch
football with nobody to bother him. All he ever asked was to just have a
little space. Maria never allowed him to do this. Now that it is over she
has gone nuts. She is calling all of his friends and asking them what they
think went wrong and why it happened. We tell her why, but she just refuses
to believe it had anything to do with her and what she had been doing. She
keeps saying he is interested in someone else, when in fact he really isn't.
We are torn, between friendship with Doug and Maria. She is making it
difficult to be friends with both. Which I'm afraid she is going to lose all
friends, just because she is making everyone uncomfortable. I feel really
bad for her, she really is a great person.
What advice can anyone give her so that she doesn't totally blow any chance
of them ever getting back together. I'm hoping they can, but I'm thinking
it's really not going to happen. How can I help her deal with this better.
I hate for her to lose her friends because she can't keep her mouth shut.
??
Ang

"Ang" <seriouspostsonly@newgroups.ca> wrote in message
news:18b1c.6126$jw2.325460@news20.bellglobal.com.. .

| What advice can anyone give her so that she doesn't totally blow any
chance
| of them ever getting back together. I'm hoping they can, but I'm
thinking
| it's really not going to happen. How can I help her deal with this
better.
| I hate for her to lose her friends because she can't keep her mouth
shut.

Ang, here's the problem: they *are* giving her advice, and good advice
at that. Unfortunately, she's not *listening*.

I don't paost here often, although I'm a long-time lurker. Your post
just leaped out at me, though so I had to respond. I'm one of those guys
who periodically needs to get away from people and socializing and curl
up for a few days with a little project or a book or something.
Virtually none of my gfs in the past, or my wife now seems to understand
this. We had a conversation about this recently in which she told me
that I needed to develop better "coping skills" when I'm stressed. I
told her that getting away from stress for a few days to recharge
sounded *exactly* like a good coping strategy. She loves being around
people, and just doesn't get it, just as I don't "get" her when she
wants to surround herself with friends and family and phone calls.

Your friend may never understand this. I'm not going to get into
possible reasons why, and it doesn't matter. However, if you're in a
position to have a good heart to heart with her, then you might want to
exxplain that for some people it's more important to have space, and
even if she doesnt understand, she just has to accept it and learn to
deal with it on her own terms, rather than badgering him.

Tom

On Tue, 2 Mar 2004 21:10:25 -0500 in article <18b1c.6126$jw2.325460
@news20.bellglobal.com>, seriouspostsonly@newgroups.ca spoke thusly... What advice can anyone give her so that she doesn't totally blow any chance of them ever getting back together. I'm hoping they can, but I'm thinking it's really not going to happen. How can I help her deal with this better. I hate for her to lose her friends because she can't keep her mouth shut.

Sounds like you can't give Maria any advice, because she thinks she is always
right. So let her be right, and all alone. Maybe she'll grow up someday.

--
Say no to fixed width tables. They look terrible in all browsers.

On Tue, 2 Mar 2004 21:10:25 -0500, "Ang"
<seriouspostsonly@newgroups.ca> wrote:
Friends of ours just broke up. He dumped her. They are both divorced withkids. She has two teenagers and he two under 10. They had been dating for acouple of years. They each lived in their own apartment. He is currentlygetting screwed by his ex-wife for child support and alamony. He is just toonice to try to fight back in court even though it was his wife who walkedout on him, for somebody else.Anyway, back to the story. The last few months he has been trying to tellMaria to back off a little bit and give him some space. She was alwayscoming over to his apartment tell him how to raise his kids, and even try totell him what he should be doing in court.She would always hang around whenhe was trying to have 'guys nights'. It was beginning to bother him to thepoint that she has totally chased him away. This guy is somewhat of a lonerand likes to have somedays when he can just sit in front of the TV and watchfootball with nobody to bother him. All he ever asked was to just have alittle space. Maria never allowed him to do this. Now that it is over shehas gone nuts. She is calling all of his friends and asking them what theythink went wrong and why it happened. We tell her why, but she just refusesto believe it had anything to do with her and what she had been doing. Shekeeps saying he is interested in someone else, when in fact he really isn't.We are torn, between friendship with Doug and Maria. She is making itdifficult to be friends with both. Which I'm afraid she is going to lose allfriends, just because she is making everyone uncomfortable. I feel reallybad for her, she really is a great person.What advice can anyone give her so that she doesn't totally blow any chanceof them ever getting back together. I'm hoping they can, but I'm thinkingit's really not going to happen. How can I help her deal with this better.I hate for her to lose her friends because she can't keep her mouth shut.??Ang

Sounds like he's better off without her. She sounds like someone that
can't be trusted. You don't want a blabber mouth in your life.

"Tom Allen" <taomlin@earthlink.net> writes:
"Ang" <seriouspostsonly@newgroups.ca> wrote in message news:18b1c.6126$jw2.325460@news20.bellglobal.com.. . | What advice can anyone give her so that she doesn't totally blow any chance | of them ever getting back together. I'm hoping they can, but I'm thinking | it's really not going to happen. How can I help her deal with this better. | I hate for her to lose her friends because she can't keep her mouth shut. Ang, here's the problem: they *are* giving her advice, and good advice at that. Unfortunately, she's not *listening*. I don't paost here often, although I'm a long-time lurker. Your post just leaped out at me, though so I had to respond. I'm one of those guys who periodically needs to get away from people and socializing and curl up for a few days with a little project or a book or something. Virtually none of my gfs in the past, or my wife now seems to understand this. We had a conversation about this recently in which she told me that I needed to develop better "coping skills" when I'm stressed. I told her that getting away from stress for a few days to recharge sounded *exactly* like a good coping strategy. She loves being around people, and just doesn't get it, just as I don't "get" her when she wants to surround herself with friends and family and phone calls.

So Tom, have you and your wife found a way to deal with this?

At some level, it isn't important that you "get it," just that you
believe each other about this.

I'm similar, but so is my wife, so we don't have an issue around this.

"Doug Anderson" <ethelthelog@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1iad2xx0nh.fsf@noether.uoregon.edu...
| "Tom Allen" <taomlin@earthlink.net> writes:
|
<>

| > I'm one of those guys
| > who periodically needs to get away from people and socializing and
curl
| > up for a few days with a little project or a book or something.
| > Virtually none of my gfs in the past, or my wife now seems to
understand
| > this. We had a conversation about this recently in which she told me
| > that I needed to develop better "coping skills" when I'm stressed. I
| > told her that getting away from stress for a few days to recharge
| > sounded *exactly* like a good coping strategy. She loves being
around
| > people, and just doesn't get it, just as I don't "get" her when she
| > wants to surround herself with friends and family and phone calls.
|
| So Tom, have you and your wife found a way to deal with this?

Yes. Unfortunately, not one that works well :-/

Actually, we separated about a year ago, although we spend quite a bit
of time together, especially in the last few months. Right now, I go
back to my place a few times a week. They are usually nights that I
might have a meeting or seminar to attend, so I'd be out of the house
most of the evening anyway; this way I dont' feel guilty for being away
several nights. She, OTOH, would prefer that I give the place up and we
could figure out a way to get more "space" for me at the house. Space is
one thing. We still haven't agreed on the "time" issue. Over the years,
I've noticed that I might need anywhere from a few hours to a couple of
days to myself. I've always been like this, even as a child, so it's not
my wife or the rest of my family - it's just how I am.


| At some level, it isn't important that you "get it," just that you
| believe each other about this.

And that could be true about so many other issues in a relationship.


| I'm similar, but so is my wife, so we don't have an issue around this.

That's great - it means that you both understand that need.

Tom

On Tue, 2 Mar 2004 21:10:25 -0500, "Ang"
<seriouspostsonly@newgroups.ca> wrote:
Friends of ours just broke up. He dumped her. They are both divorced withkids. She has two teenagers and he two under 10. They had been dating for acouple of years. They each lived in their own apartment. He is currentlygetting screwed by his ex-wife for child support and alamony. He is just toonice to try to fight back in court even though it was his wife who walkedout on him, for somebody else.Anyway, back to the story. The last few months he has been trying to tellMaria to back off a little bit and give him some space. She was alwayscoming over to his apartment tell him how to raise his kids, and even try totell him what he should be doing in court.She would always hang around whenhe was trying to have 'guys nights'. It was beginning to bother him to thepoint that she has totally chased him away. This guy is somewhat of a lonerand likes to have somedays when he can just sit in front of the TV and watchfootball with nobody to bother him. All he ever asked was to just have alittle space. Maria never allowed him to do this. Now that it is over shehas gone nuts. She is calling all of his friends and asking them what theythink went wrong and why it happened. We tell her why, but she just refusesto believe it had anything to do with her and what she had been doing. Shekeeps saying he is interested in someone else, when in fact he really isn't.We are torn, between friendship with Doug and Maria. She is making itdifficult to be friends with both. Which I'm afraid she is going to lose allfriends, just because she is making everyone uncomfortable. I feel reallybad for her, she really is a great person.What advice can anyone give her so that she doesn't totally blow any chanceof them ever getting back together. I'm hoping they can, but I'm thinkingit's really not going to happen. How can I help her deal with this better.I hate for her to lose her friends because she can't keep her mouth shut.??Ang
He's better off without her. Her calling all his friends asking for
advice then not believing what people tell her is a serious flaw.
Clearly she can't listen to what anyone tells her. After all Doug told
her *repeatedly* what he needed and she didn't want to listen. ie she
knew better. She is prolly going to make up her version about really
happened. You are better off without this person in your life as well.
She clearly wants everyone to think *just like her*. What would
happen if she got pissed at you?

Tom try getting help. Read Toxic parents and deal with your issues from the
past. Then you can stop running away and hiding from life.
ROG
"Tom Allen" <taomlin@earthlink.net> wrote in message
news:c25ls2$1p42h5$1@ID-225205.news.uni-berlin.de... "Doug Anderson" <ethelthelog@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:1iad2xx0nh.fsf@noether.uoregon.edu... | "Tom Allen" <taomlin@earthlink.net> writes: | <> | > I'm one of those guys | > who periodically needs to get away from people and socializing and curl | > up for a few days with a little project or a book or something. | > Virtually none of my gfs in the past, or my wife now seems to understand | > this. We had a conversation about this recently in which she told me | > that I needed to develop better "coping skills" when I'm stressed. I | > told her that getting away from stress for a few days to recharge | > sounded *exactly* like a good coping strategy. She loves being around | > people, and just doesn't get it, just as I don't "get" her when she | > wants to surround herself with friends and family and phone calls. | | So Tom, have you and your wife found a way to deal with this? Yes. Unfortunately, not one that works well :-/ Actually, we separated about a year ago, although we spend quite a bit of time together, especially in the last few months. Right now, I go back to my place a few times a week. They are usually nights that I might have a meeting or seminar to attend, so I'd be out of the house most of the evening anyway; this way I dont' feel guilty for being away several nights. She, OTOH, would prefer that I give the place up and we could figure out a way to get more "space" for me at the house. Space is one thing. We still haven't agreed on the "time" issue. Over the years, I've noticed that I might need anywhere from a few hours to a couple of days to myself. I've always been like this, even as a child, so it's not my wife or the rest of my family - it's just how I am. | At some level, it isn't important that you "get it," just that you | believe each other about this. And that could be true about so many other issues in a relationship. | I'm similar, but so is my wife, so we don't have an issue around this. That's great - it means that you both understand that need. Tom

Thanks to everyone for your advice, you have all given me something to think
about. I don't want to give up on her totally and I would like to have a
heart to heart with her to maybe help her see the light. Then again, she
just may turn on me too and start running her mouth behind my back. It would
then become some conspiracy against her.UGH. Relationships are beautiful
when they are working. But when something goes wrong.........that's when
everything can get so ugly.
Why can't everyone be normal and grounded like me!!LOL

I could use some advice myself in my own life, guess I won't be asking Maria
right now, right!!

Ang

"Rauni" <ladywolf@newsguy.com> wrote in message
news:7olc40pbvddli63ehtcd6bgdro0uaooqf6@4ax.com... On Tue, 2 Mar 2004 21:10:25 -0500, "Ang" <seriouspostsonly@newgroups.ca> wrote:Friends of ours just broke up. He dumped her. They are both divorced withkids. She has two teenagers and he two under 10. They had been dating for
acouple of years. They each lived in their own apartment. He is currentlygetting screwed by his ex-wife for child support and alamony. He is just
toonice to try to fight back in court even though it was his wife who walkedout on him, for somebody else.Anyway, back to the story. The last few months he has been trying to tellMaria to back off a little bit and give him some space. She was alwayscoming over to his apartment tell him how to raise his kids, and even try
totell him what he should be doing in court.She would always hang around
whenhe was trying to have 'guys nights'. It was beginning to bother him to
thepoint that she has totally chased him away. This guy is somewhat of a
lonerand likes to have somedays when he can just sit in front of the TV and
watchfootball with nobody to bother him. All he ever asked was to just have alittle space. Maria never allowed him to do this. Now that it is over shehas gone nuts. She is calling all of his friends and asking them what
theythink went wrong and why it happened. We tell her why, but she just
refusesto believe it had anything to do with her and what she had been doing.
Shekeeps saying he is interested in someone else, when in fact he really
isn't.We are torn, between friendship with Doug and Maria. She is making itdifficult to be friends with both. Which I'm afraid she is going to lose
allfriends, just because she is making everyone uncomfortable. I feel reallybad for her, she really is a great person.What advice can anyone give her so that she doesn't totally blow any
chanceof them ever getting back together. I'm hoping they can, but I'm thinkingit's really not going to happen. How can I help her deal with this
better.I hate for her to lose her friends because she can't keep her mouth shut.??Ang He's better off without her. Her calling all his friends asking for advice then not believing what people tell her is a serious flaw. Clearly she can't listen to what anyone tells her. After all Doug told her *repeatedly* what he needed and she didn't want to listen. ie she knew better. She is prolly going to make up her version about really happened. You are better off without this person in your life as well. She clearly wants everyone to think *just like her*. What would happen if she got pissed at you?