I've played in a band for 4 or so years with some guys that my husband
dislikes/ has no "respect" for. i did a couple of dumb things in a 2
week period. I stayed out til' 3:00 AM after a practice night, and 2
wks later I stayed out all night after a gig (mostly talking with a
really cool girl that I have become friends with). I told him that the
band doesn''t mean **** to me compared to the marriage, and I suppose
that I had an agenda when I said that, meaning that if it meant the
world to him, then I would or could decide on my own to quit. Now, he
insists that I quit, and that will be a "start" to addressing our
problems.
My high school sweetheart was a unbearably possessive person. I
know, that experience was ages ago, but I never forgot how awful it
was to be treated like a caged animal, even if I was in love with him.
I know that I would never marry a person who wouldn't be able to
completely trust me or himself.
I married my husband because I believed that he never would be
that person. I never have come close to cheating on him, and neither
has he. I trust him completely. Now he has convinced his therapist
that it is right that he asks me to quit.
There's a lot more to this whole thing. Ask me questions if you
want, advise me, comment, etc...
I am in love with this man. I love him when I hate his guts. I
want to save this marriage. I am scared that i will resent him for
giving me such an ultimatum. It hurts bad enough that he has even put
the question to me.

God I feel so desperate.

Thanks.

"jet" <tiny00@peoplepc.com> wrote in message
news:47acb995.0401270927.541573cf@posting.google.c om... I've played in a band for 4 or so years with some guys that my husband dislikes/ has no "respect" for. i did a couple of dumb things in a 2 week period. I stayed out til' 3:00 AM after a practice night, and 2 wks later I stayed out all night after a gig (mostly talking with a really cool girl that I have become friends with).


I'd have a problem if my wife did that too.



I told him that the band doesn''t mean **** to me compared to the marriage, and I suppose that I had an agenda when I said that, meaning that if it meant the world to him, then I would or could decide on my own to quit. Now, he insists that I quit, and that will be a "start" to addressing our problems. My high school sweetheart was a unbearably possessive person. I know, that experience was ages ago, but I never forgot how awful it was to be treated like a caged animal, even if I was in love with him. I know that I would never marry a person who wouldn't be able to completely trust me or himself. I married my husband because I believed that he never would be that person. I never have come close to cheating on him, and neither has he. I trust him completely. Now he has convinced his therapist that it is right that he asks me to quit. There's a lot more to this whole thing. Ask me questions if you want, advise me, comment, etc... I am in love with this man. I love him when I hate his guts. I want to save this marriage. I am scared that i will resent him for giving me such an ultimatum. It hurts bad enough that he has even put the question to me.

A few questions...

How old are you two? How long married? How long with the band (did he marry
you when you were with the band?) Why doesn't he like the "band guys"?
What's with the "really cool" girl ("really cool" just isn't an adjective
most people I know would use to describe someone).

Just asking these questions so I (we) can get a better perspective on your
lifestyle.

JWB

Well, maybe he is too possessive, but staying out until 3am with some
band does go over the top a bit, to my taste.

So, maybe you can give examples of your husband's unreasonable
possessiveness, that are a little more convincing than him getting mad
at you staying a night out with some band.

i

"jet" <tiny00@peoplepc.com> wrote in message
news:47acb995.0401270927.541573cf@posting.google.c om...

[] I am in love with this man. I love him when I hate his guts. I want to save this marriage. I am scared that i will resent him for giving me such an ultimatum. It hurts bad enough that he has even put the question to me.

Quit the band. You did some stupid things so he needs reassurance that he
really is first in your life. You need to prove it to him. You have a
choice about whether you resent doing this. Make up your mind that you will
not resent it. Every time you notice yourself starting to feel resentful
tell yourself that you love your husband and that he is worth it.
God I feel so desperate.

When he sees that you put him first before the band, he will likely respond
by showing love to you. Things will get better, but you can't wait for him
to make the first move. Good luck.
Thanks.

Good luck.

Jayne

"JWB" <jwbspamnomore3333@excite.com> writes:
"jet" <tiny00@peoplepc.com> wrote in message Now he has convinced his therapist that it is right that he asks me to quit. There's a lot more to this whole thing. Ask me questions if you want, advise me, comment, etc... I am in love with this man. I love him when I hate his guts. I want to save this marriage. I am scared that i will resent him for giving me such an ultimatum. It hurts bad enough that he has even put the question to me. A few questions... How old are you two? How long married? How long with the band (did he marry you when you were with the band?) Why doesn't he like the "band guys"? What's with the "really cool" girl ("really cool" just isn't an adjective most people I know would use to describe someone).

Yeah, but then you're not in a band!
Just asking these questions so I (we) can get a better perspective on your lifestyle.

Adding to JWB's questions; jet: do you let your husband know when
you're staying out late? Does it interfere with plans the two of you
have made?

Also, can you have a conversation with your husband which is about
things he wants you to do (instead of about things he wants you _not_
to do)?

I'm sure there are many exceptions, but I think usually when we are
asking someone _not_ to do something it is because of how it affects
us. In this case I wonder if there are things your husband wants to
be getting out of your marriage which he isn't getting. If that is
the case, and if you and he can change that, maybe the band wouldn't
matter.

Thinking about myself, if I was really looking forward to spending
some time with my wife, and she decided to stay out with her
colleagues instead of coming home, I'd be annoyed. Now admittedly
part of that would be my fault unless I had told her I was hoping to
spend time with her that evening, but sometimes I just assume when I
know nothing special is going on. If she'd stayed out late and hadn't
let me know, I'd be something beyond annoyed.

(a) Is he jealous of you in the "classic" sense, or is he just jealous of
your time (which, even if you're not fooling around or anything, is a
justifiable gripe)? You say it's an issue of trust, but it may not have
anything to do with trusting you or not.

(b) You really have no right to be mad at him for "giving you an ultimatum"
when YOU extended the offer in the first place (as I understand it)! That's
like saying "go ahead and hit me!" and then being pissed if someone takes
you up on the offer. Childish head games. Don't play them.

(c) Why doesn't he respect your bandmates?

(d) What's the "lot more" to the whole thing?

(e) Are any of your bandmates/"really cool" friends married? I.e., do they
have any clue about the dynamics of marriage? are they pressuring you/do you
feel pressured to continue operating in "single and free" mode?

jet wrote:
I told him that the band doesn''t mean **** to me compared to the marriage,

Did you really mean that?
and I suppose that I had an agenda when I said that, meaning that if it meant the world to him, then I would or could decide on my own to quit.

So if he would tell you that it meant the world to him, you
would decide to quit on your own, right? Or do you mean
that then you would think about it, and maybe would decide
that the band really mean much more than **** compared to the
marriage?! If it's the former, then he has, in fact, expressed to
you that it means the world to him by asking you to quit!
Don't get caught on the semantics of the communication.
Now, he insists that I quit, and that will be a "start" to addressing our problems.

You have other problems?
My high school sweetheart was a unbearably possessive person. I know, that experience was ages ago, but I never forgot how awful it was to be treated like a caged animal, even if I was in love with him.

Does quitting the band make you feel like a caged animal?
I know that I would never marry a person who wouldn't be able to completely trust me or himself.

Does your husband not trust you or himself? Is he asking
you to quit the band because he doesn't trust you, or does
he not like the kind of lifestyle that being in the band will
impose on you?
I married my husband because I believed that he never would be that person. I never have come close to cheating on him, and neither has he. I trust him completely. Now he has convinced his therapist that it is right that he asks me to quit.

Fear of cheating is not the only reason that spouses may
oppose an activity of their mate. I trust my husband 100%,
but if he would tell me that he has joined a group that would
cause him to be away from home often till the morning I
wouldn't like it. Are you sure his only concern is that you
may cheat on him?
I am in love with this man. I love him when I hate his guts. I want to save this marriage. I am scared that i will resent him for giving me such an ultimatum. It hurts bad enough that he has even put the question to me.

Get over your feelings! He hasn't been too unreasonable
with his request. And now you make it sound like you really
do care about your freedom to do what you want more than
giving up something rather insignificant for the sake of your
marriage.

Unless this band business is something more important than
what you have revealed here (maybe a very highly invested
business, or some career goal that you have worked towards
for a long time or some such), then you are just angry because
your husband has put a demand on you. Maybe he should've
been smarter and communicated his wishes in a more indirect
way not to make you defensive. Maybe he even tried that
and you didn't give in! Nonetheless the basis of his request
is quite reasonable.

"Doug Anderson" <ethelthelog@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:dr7jzdl0lf.fsf@noether.uoregon.edu... "JWB" <jwbspamnomore3333@excite.com> writes:
How old are you two? How long married? How long with the band (did he
marry you when you were with the band?) Why doesn't he like the "band guys"? What's with the "really cool" girl ("really cool" just isn't an
adjective most people I know would use to describe someone). Yeah, but then you're not in a band!

heh heh, yea, I guess that's part of it :)

I have an old friend who is still chasing that band dream at 35. His
lifestyle is completely different than us "normal" folks. That's why i was
asking her those questions - it might be that her and her husband are
"band-type people" (for lack of a better word), and staying out all night
with "really cool" people is the norm (like it is for my friend)

As the spouse of a "band member"

I can see your husbands side.. I would be really pissed if my hubby didn't
show up until 3 AM after a practice with out calling no matter who he was
with..

One time he was supposed to play a private party until 10 pm.. at 2:30 AM he
still wasn't home.. he wont do that again..

For me.. it wasn't a matter of him possibly "cheating" but for the lack of
respect he showed me when he didn't call and didn't come home when he said
he would.


I haven't and I wouldn't ask him to quit the band.. he was in the band
before we got married...BUT...I have made my feelings known..that
now that we have a child.. his time with the band.. takes away from the
family...(before we had a son.. I would go to his gigs with him..etc..now I
cant go)..

I asked him to "cut down" on the number of gigs..to one or two a month.. he
has chosen to quit..

"whisper" <noway@notnow.com> wrote in
I asked him to "cut down" on the number of gigs..to one or two a month..
he has chosen to quit..

That's interesting. My husband was involved in an organisation that took up
a lot of his time. It was encroaching on our family time and I told him so.
I asked him to cut back and simply not spend quite so much time at the
organisation. He decided to quit. What's with that huh?

Amy

I don't know.

I guess maybe since he couldn't give 100% to the band (they wanted to gig
every weekend and have practice once a week) he wouldn't give them
anything..

not that I am complaining..<G>

Kass


"Amy Lou" <amylouisa@bigpond.com> wrote in message
news:TvARb.31027$Wa.27339@news-server.bigpond.net.au... "whisper" <noway@notnow.com> wrote in I asked him to "cut down" on the number of gigs..to one or two a month.. he has chosen to quit.. That's interesting. My husband was involved in an organisation that took
up a lot of his time. It was encroaching on our family time and I told him
so. I asked him to cut back and simply not spend quite so much time at the organisation. He decided to quit. What's with that huh? Amy

"JWB" <jwbspamnomore3333@excite.com> wrote in message news:<QtyRb.272555$0P1.142449@twister.nyc.rr.com>... "Doug Anderson" <ethelthelog@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:dr7jzdl0lf.fsf@noether.uoregon.edu... "JWB" <jwbspamnomore3333@excite.com> writes: How old are you two? How long married? How long with the band (did he marry you when you were with the band?) Why doesn't he like the "band guys"? What's with the "really cool" girl ("really cool" just isn't an adjective most people I know would use to describe someone). Yeah, but then you're not in a band! heh heh, yea, I guess that's part of it :) I have an old friend who is still chasing that band dream at 35. His lifestyle is completely different than us "normal" folks. That's why i was asking her those questions - it might be that her and her husband are "band-type people" (for lack of a better word), and staying out all night with "really cool" people is the norm (like it is for my friend)

I'm more curious about what kind of music it is. If it's a disco
band, I have to say, I agree with the husband.

That's just my two cents from a former really cool girl.

It's time to get your priorities straight. Your husband should be your
first priority. Period. Forget the band and concentrate on being a good
wife.

SD

"Caren" <caren50@msn.com> wrote in message
news:3754f0b3.0401271418.45f6d01@posting.google.co m... "JWB" <jwbspamnomore3333@excite.com> wrote in message
news:<QtyRb.272555$0P1.142449@twister.nyc.rr.com>... "Doug Anderson" <ethelthelog@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:dr7jzdl0lf.fsf@noether.uoregon.edu... "JWB" <jwbspamnomore3333@excite.com> writes: > How old are you two? How long married? How long with the band (did
he marry > you when you were with the band?) Why doesn't he like the "band
guys"? > What's with the "really cool" girl ("really cool" just isn't an adjective > most people I know would use to describe someone). Yeah, but then you're not in a band! heh heh, yea, I guess that's part of it :) I have an old friend who is still chasing that band dream at 35. His lifestyle is completely different than us "normal" folks. That's why i
was asking her those questions - it might be that her and her husband are "band-type people" (for lack of a better word), and staying out all
night with "really cool" people is the norm (like it is for my friend) I'm more curious about what kind of music it is. If it's a disco band, I have to say, I agree with the husband. That's just my two cents from a former really cool girl.

Ok, yea. My friend is in a band that's still trying to "make it" and do
something original and fresh. Now that I think about it, I also know a lady
who's in a top-40 cover band, but she doesn't live the "band lifestyle".
Everyone is married, they practice once a week or so, play weddings and the
like, but nobody is writing angst-filled songs or is a tortured artist
trying to act "cool".

in article MJyRb.4676$p55.1524@nwrddc02.gnilink.net, whisper at
noway@notnow.com wrote on 1/27/04 12:11 PM:
I haven't and I wouldn't ask him to quit the band.. he was in the band before we got married...BUT...I have made my feelings known..that now that we have a child.. his time with the band.. takes away from the family...(before we had a son.. I would go to his gigs with him..etc..now I cant go).. I asked him to "cut down" on the number of gigs..to one or two a month.. he has chosen to quit..

You did ask him to quit the band. You just did it indirectly, by making it a
question of whether or not the rest of the band was willing to cut down to
one or two gigs a month.

On Tue, 27 Jan 2004 12:59:52 -0500, "Jayne Kulikauskas"
<momkulio@yahoo.ca> wrote:
"jet" <tiny00@peoplepc.com> wrote in messagenews:47acb995.0401270927.541573cf@posting.g oogle.com...[] I am in love with this man. I love him when I hate his guts. I want to save this marriage. I am scared that i will resent him for giving me such an ultimatum. It hurts bad enough that he has even put the question to me.Quit the band. You did some stupid things so he needs reassurance that hereally is first in your life. You need to prove it to him. You have achoice about whether you resent doing this. Make up your mind that you willnot resent it. Every time you notice yourself starting to feel resentfultell yourself that you love your husband and that he is worth it. God I feel so desperate.When he sees that you put him first before the band, he will likely respondby showing love to you. Things will get better, but you can't wait for himto make the first move. Good luck. Thanks.Good luck.Jayne

I think that's a bull**** answer. Quit the band? Maybe instead of
having to give up something you enjoy, maybe you should try including
your husband so he feels a part of this life style of yours and not
afraid of it.

And since he has expressed some uncomfortableness, I would be
sensitive to his concerns and not stay out until 3AM in the morning.
You're just asking for trouble doing that.

--Brian

He didn't quit just because of me asking to cut down.. there were several
other factors involved..

The rest of the band.. still has ideas of being rich and famous.(they are a
cover band).and the lead singer actually said the band comes before his
family...if he had to chose between his wife/kid or the band..he would chose
the band.. (his words)

my hubby was getting tired of all the BS as well..


"Michael" <erosewater@ziplip.com> wrote in message
news:BC3C553B.24A22%erosewater@ziplip.com... in article MJyRb.4676$p55.1524@nwrddc02.gnilink.net, whisper at noway@notnow.com wrote on 1/27/04 12:11 PM: I haven't and I wouldn't ask him to quit the band.. he was in the band before we got married...BUT...I have made my feelings known..that now that we have a child.. his time with the band.. takes away from the family...(before we had a son.. I would go to his gigs with
him..etc..now I cant go).. I asked him to "cut down" on the number of gigs..to one or two a month..
he has chosen to quit.. You did ask him to quit the band. You just did it indirectly, by making it
a question of whether or not the rest of the band was willing to cut down to one or two gigs a month.

Brian <jbrianchamberlin@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:<hf6e10pjhri2jlhvejus22l3paa46qene8@4ax.com>... On Tue, 27 Jan 2004 12:59:52 -0500, "Jayne Kulikauskas" <momkulio@yahoo.ca> wrote:"jet" <tiny00@peoplepc.com> wrote in messagenews:47acb995.0401270927.541573cf@posting.g oogle.com...[] I am in love with this man. I love him when I hate his guts. I want to save this marriage. I am scared that i will resent him for giving me such an ultimatum. It hurts bad enough that he has even put the question to me.Quit the band. You did some stupid things so he needs reassurance that hereally is first in your life. You need to prove it to him. You have achoice about whether you resent doing this. Make up your mind that you willnot resent it. Every time you notice yourself starting to feel resentfultell yourself that you love your husband and that he is worth it. God I feel so desperate.When he sees that you put him first before the band, he will likely respondby showing love to you. Things will get better, but you can't wait for himto make the first move. Good luck.
I think that's a bull**** answer. Quit the band? Maybe instead of having to give up something you enjoy, maybe you should try including your husband so he feels a part of this life style of yours and not afraid of it. And since he has expressed some uncomfortableness, I would be sensitive to his concerns and not stay out until 3AM in the morning. You're just asking for trouble doing that. --Brian

Thank you, Brian. My husband also plays music, and in fact, we just
started a new band together. A long time ago he was in my current
band, but he did not get along with the two guys. He apparantly has
held this grudge about them "insulting him" for the past 3-4 years.
Frankly, I think that his attitude is childish, although I would never
say that to my man. I do try to include him, for ex., "please come to
our gig," but he always says no.
I will never stay out without calling again, I promise, but should I
expect this hellishness every time that I do something completely
stupid? Another thing is this: This, to him, is, as he says, "a
start," as if I have an enormously long way to go before we can for
ex., buy a home. I say that he is nervous or afraid to delve into the
unknown,and also he is afraid of being vulnerable. I feel that if we
stick together, then we figure out how to do anything that we want.
The future to me holds endless possibilities for us as a team. He
claims that I have "issues" to deal with before we can do what
millions of people do each year, that is, buy a home, have kids,
etc...
I realize that this marriage may not work out, but I am not yet ready
to give up.
It was dumb of me to stay out like thaat. I feel that he wants me to
quit comes from his lack of trust in me that stemmed from this
incident. That to me seems to not be a strong foundation for marriage.
I could never demand something from him that he wasn't willing to do
out of his own free will. He would resent me, and resentment often
leads to hatred. Ouch.
BTW, once he stayed out till 5 am with thhe guys. He finally answered
his cell, and my gut reaction was relief. He wasn't dead, or hurt,
thank god, and he wasn't in jail. Then I was annoyed that I got no
call, but I realize that S**t happens. It wasn't like he does that
every other night.

Thanks agin.

"jet" <tiny00@peoplepc.com> wrote in message

Another thing is this: This, to him, is, as he says, "a start," as if I have an enormously long way to go before we can for ex., buy a home. I say that he is nervous or afraid to delve into the unknown,and also he is afraid of being vulnerable. I feel that if we stick together, then we figure out how to do anything that we want. The future to me holds endless possibilities for us as a team. He claims that I have "issues" to deal with before we can do what millions of people do each year, that is, buy a home, have kids, etc...

Just being honest - by reading what you wrote in your two posts, I get the
impression that you have a long way to go as well.

What do you two do for a living?

JWB

"DrLith" <drlith@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:<bv6alp$p4qke$1@ID-132000.news.uni-berlin.de>... (a) Is he jealous of you in the "classic" sense, or is he just jealous of your time (which, even if you're not fooling around or anything, is a justifiable gripe)? You say it's an issue of trust, but it may not have anything to do with trusting you or not.

I don't know. He is a musician, too, thus it could be a music thing. I
don't know. I practice w/ the band maybe once every couple weeks, and
maybe play out (in town) every 3-4 weeks (at least recently),
sometimes even less than that. (b) You really have no right to be mad at him for "giving you an ultimatum" when YOU extended the offer in the first place (as I understand it)! That's like saying "go ahead and hit me!" and then being pissed if someone takes you up on the offer. Childish head games. Don't play them.

I guess I meant it when I said it. I would've given it up of my own
free will. At the time he told me that he would never ask me to quit.
I took too much comfort in his response. Had it been me in his shoes,
then I also would have said that I could never ask for him to do such
a thing. It would be his decision. It would have to be of his own free
will. He is not saying that I need to quit b/c it is hurting him, or
us, but he is saying that I need to quit because I am no longer
trustworthy. Nor does he say, "I will feel better if you quit." He
says "this is a start", towards fixing a long and eternal list of
problems that we apparantly have. He thinks that I started playing
with those guys just to get at him for playing with other people, and
not me. I can hardly believe that he really thinks that.
(c) Why doesn't he respect your bandmates?
3-4 years ago we all tried playing in a band together, but there were
musical differences. There were some words exchanged (not involving
me- I didn't really know that it was so personal for my man), and the
band broke up. A couple months later I was invited to play with them
in a new band (husband was also involved with another project). At our
first gig husband came, spoke to the guys that he fought with, and I
though we were letting by-gones be by-gones. But now my husband says I
am in a band with guys that "insulted" him. Jesus, the last time I was
"insulted" must have been 4th grade!
(d) What's the "lot more" to the whole thing?
The above paragraph is pretty much the lot of it.
(e) Are any of your bandmates/"really cool" friends married? I.e., do they have any clue about the dynamics of marriage? are they pressuring you/do you feel pressured to continue operating in "single and free" mode?

2 of them are married with kids. One is recently divorced, but he
wants to find a girlfriend to be with in a committed relationship.
None of us really go out much, except when we have a gig, no one is
quitting his day job to become rock stars. :0)

"JWB" <jwbspamnomore3333@excite.com> wrote in message news:<WwxRb.272550$0P1.61180@twister.nyc.rr.com>... "jet" <tiny00@peoplepc.com> wrote in message news:47acb995.0401270927.541573cf@posting.google.c om... I've played in a band for 4 or so years with some guys that my husband dislikes/ has no "respect" for. i did a couple of dumb things in a 2 week period. I stayed out til' 3:00 AM after a practice night, and 2 wks later I stayed out all night after a gig (mostly talking with a really cool girl that I have become friends with). I'd have a problem if my wife did that too. I told him that the band doesn''t mean **** to me compared to the marriage, and I suppose that I had an agenda when I said that, meaning that if it meant the world to him, then I would or could decide on my own to quit. Now, he insists that I quit, and that will be a "start" to addressing our problems. My high school sweetheart was a unbearably possessive person. I know, that experience was ages ago, but I never forgot how awful it was to be treated like a caged animal, even if I was in love with him. I know that I would never marry a person who wouldn't be able to completely trust me or himself. I married my husband because I believed that he never would be that person. I never have come close to cheating on him, and neither has he. I trust him completely. Now he has convinced his therapist that it is right that he asks me to quit. There's a lot more to this whole thing. Ask me questions if you want, advise me, comment, etc... I am in love with this man. I love him when I hate his guts. I want to save this marriage. I am scared that i will resent him for giving me such an ultimatum. It hurts bad enough that he has even put the question to me. A few questions... How old are you two? How long married? How long with the band (did he marry you when you were with the band?) Why doesn't he like the "band guys"? What's with the "really cool" girl ("really cool" just isn't an adjective most people I know would use to describe someone).

The really cool girl is me, the wife. We've been married 2 years,
together 7 yrs. He plays in bands, too. I posted somewhere on this
thread as to why my husband doesn't like two of my bandmembers. My
husband is one of the most popular musicians in town. I am going to
see his band play on thurs night!
It is a lifestyle thing. We both play music because we need to. Maybe
that sounds corny, but it is true. Right now it works well, because we
have no kids. I am a drummer, and I'm 32. My husband is a little
older.> Just asking these questions so I (we) can get a better perspective on your lifestyle. JWB

Ellie <ellie_first@hotmail.com> wrote in message
Get over your feelings! He hasn't been too unreasonable with his request. And now you make it sound like you really do care about your freedom to do what you want more than giving up something rather insignificant for the sake of your marriage.

I think that you hit the nail on the head. I DO care about my
freedom. This is really the big question, I guess, that I have to ask
myself. I never thought that it would be acceptable for me to ask him
to do something not of his own free will, meaning, that if he did
accept my request, then it would be because he would want to do that
for the sake of the marriage.

Another thing, though: I don't like the fact that he is telling me to
quit b/c he is unsure that he can trust me. Will this be the norm,
then, for every dumb thing that I do in the future (i.e., probably
tomorrow)? Don't I deserve a little forgiveness?

Are the posters on this thread from an alien planet of perfect people,
or can somebody relate? It could just be me! Really, I am asking. What
do you all think?

"jet" <tiny00@peoplepc.com> wrote in message
news:47acb995.0401281023.34986fce@posting.google.c om...
The really cool girl is me, the wife. We've been married 2 years, together 7 yrs. He plays in bands, too. I posted somewhere on this thread as to why my husband doesn't like two of my bandmembers. My husband is one of the most popular musicians in town. I am going to see his band play on thurs night! It is a lifestyle thing. We both play music because we need to. Maybe that sounds corny, but it is true. Right now it works well, because we have no kids. I am a drummer, and I'm 32. My husband is a little older.>

Ok, now that you mention this stuff, it seems it's more a jealousy thing
than a lifestyle difference. He really has no right to tell you to quit.

Thank you, Brian. My husband also plays music, and infact, we just started a new band together. A long timeago he was in my current band, but he did not get alongwith the two guys. He apparantly has held this grudgeabout them "insulting him" for the past 3-4 years. Frankly,I think that his attitude is childish, although I wouldnever say that to my man.

Does not saying the words to him make any difference? I
don't think it does. If you label his feelings as 'childish',
you're going to have a much more difficult time seeing
them as valid feelings and treating them as valid feelings
and it will show. Whether or not you like it, you and
your husband are not going to feel the same way about
situations all of the time and if you can't come to
accept that, you're going to have more and more problems.

My husband and I have a similar situation. One of his
best friends, if not his *best* friend, behaved in a way
that I found insulting to me personally and that hurt me
very deeply when my husband had his affair. When we were
going through the process of healing ourselves and our
marriage, I wrote his friend a letter explaining how
much her actions hurt me and how, unless we talked it
out, I would never feel comfortable coming to visit her
or hanging out with her or taking a vacation with her
as we had been talking about. I never got an answer to
that letter and, to this day, nine years later, I still
haven't met her, I don't chit-chat with her like I did
before this happened, I won't go visit her and, if her
and her SO ever do make it out to visit us, my husband
knows that he will have to take time off from work the
entire time she's here because I have no interest and
will not play 'tour guide' like I do when other people
visit us and he has to work. I have never asked him to
make the choice between his friendship and our marriage,
and he has never asked me to ignore the 'bad feelings'
I have towards his friend and do things that I don't
want to do. We both accept the others feelings as valid
and, as far as I can tell, don't ascribe negative judg-
ments to those feelings.
I do try to include him, for ex., "please come to ourgig," but he always says no.

I could see expecting your husband to ignore his dislike
of these guys if you were wanting him to attend a once-
a-year get-together. I do lots of things I would rather
not do and hang out with people I'd rather not hang out
with on an occasional basis because my husband enjoys it
or is expected to go to these things, just like when/if
his friend ever comes out, I will put on a smile, be polite,
make their visit pleasant, etc., since it will be only
an occasional thing. IF we lived close enough and IF the
occasional thing turned into a regular thing, I don't see
that I would willingly go. Mainly because the potential
for something happening would be much greater. (By 'some-
thing happening', I'm meaning that there would be conflict
between myself and his friend.)
I will never stay out without calling again, I promise, butshould I expect this hellishness every time that I do some-thing completely stupid?

With me, I tend to keep hounding on an issue when I don't
feel like I've been 'heard'. And, until your husband really
believes you won't stay out without calling again, he's
probably not going to feel he's been 'heard'. I think that
the fact that you did it twice within such a short period
of time hurts your case. And, from reading what you've said
about these incidents, I'm sure not getting the impression
that you're placing the same importance on these incidents
as your husband is.
Another thing is this: This, to him, is, as he says, "astart," as if I have an enormously long way to go beforewe can for ex., buy a home.

This sounds like a big difference in your views. It sounds
like you have the belief that if someone says 'I won't do
this again' then that should be enough for the other person
to believe you won't do 'this' again. Your husband sounds
like he's of the belief that once someone has done something
once, only time is going to prove that they won't do it
again. (FWIW, I share your husband's belief.)
I say that he is nervous or afraid to delve into the unknown,and also he is afraid of being vulnerable.

I can't help but feel that, from reading what you've written
so far, he's not entirely unjustified in being nervous and
afraid to delve into the unknown and afraid of being vulner-
able. It's difficult to go into the unknown when you're not
entirely sure that your spouse has your back. It's difficult
to be vulnerable when you're not entirely sure that your
spouse isn't going to use that vulnerability against you.
I feel that if we stick together, then we figure out how todo anything that we want.

But can you see that, just maybe, from his POV you're NOT
sticking together? It can easily be interpreted that your
idea of 'sticking together' is for him to ignore his own
feelings and go along with what you want to do. I think he
could also make a case for you saying things just to get
him to agree to what you want to do. The part about 'Our
marriage is more important than the band', you've already
shown that that isn't true. It sounds great, but you're
*still* putting the band and what you want to do above
your marriage, IMO.
The future to me holds endless possibilities for us as ateam.

Yes, it does. But I'm not seeing a 'team' attitude from you.
(And, no, I'm not saying that I see a 'team' attitude from
your husband. I'm only addressing what you've written because
your husband isn't here presenting his side of it.)
He claims that I have "issues" to deal with before we cando what millions of people do each year, that is, buy a home,have kids, etc...

And quite a few of those millions of people have thought out
and agreed on 'What we'll do if...' and have beliefs and values
that, if not compatible, are at least accepted by both spouses.
Your husband sounds like he wants some reassurance that you're
going to 'have his back' when it comes to the responsibilities
of a house and kids, etc., while you're saying 'We'll work it
out when there's a problem.'
I realize that this marriage may not work out, but I am notyet ready to give up. It was dumb of me to stay out like thaat.I feel that he wants me to quit comes from his lack of trustin me that stemmed from this incident. That to me seems to notbe a strong foundation for marriage.

I get this vision of you with a pickax in your hand, standing
by the foundation of a house with some big holes in it that
you've just made with your pickax, then looking at the realtor
and saying 'How can you expect me to live in this house when
there are big holes in the foundation????' You're blaming
your husband because he doesn't trust you when it was your
actions that led him not to.
I could never demand something from him that he wasn'twilling to do out of his own free will. He would resentme, and resentment often leads to hatred. Ouch.

Resentment is a choice. IMO, resenting someone because
of a decision that you make is absolving yourself of
making that decision.

Again, from my own marriage, we dealt with this issue,
too. My husband had an affair. After a few months of
counseling, and arguments, and fights, and tears and
lots of other stuff, I offered up this solution. I said
that if he would give our marriage 18 months of counseling,
talking, reading, introspection, being together, etc.,
without any contact with the other woman, if, at the
end of the 18 months, both of us decided that we couldn't
make our marriage a happy one for the both of us, then
we would divorce amicably. He agreed to this. And then
he spent the next 6-9 months being pissed off and resenting
me because he wasn't with his soulmate. And when I (pretty
forcefully, actually) made it clear to him that he was
resenting ME for a decision that HE had made and it had
to stop or he was going to be without his soulmate AND
without a marriage, he figured out a way to stop resenting
me.

So, resentment is a choice, not a given.


Tracey

"jet" <tiny00@peoplepc.com> wrote in message
news:47acb995.0401281047.1f976226@posting.google.c om... Ellie <ellie_first@hotmail.com> wrote in message Get over your feelings! He hasn't been too unreasonable with his request. And now you make it sound like you really do care about your freedom to do what you want more than giving up something rather insignificant for the sake of your marriage. I think that you hit the nail on the head. I DO care about my freedom. This is really the big question, I guess, that I have to ask myself. I never thought that it would be acceptable for me to ask him to do something not of his own free will, meaning, that if he did accept my request, then it would be because he would want to do that for the sake of the marriage. Another thing, though: I don't like the fact that he is telling me to quit b/c he is unsure that he can trust me. Will this be the norm, then, for every dumb thing that I do in the future (i.e., probably tomorrow)? Don't I deserve a little forgiveness?

It isn't about forgiveness. It's about going through with what you say.
You told him that you hold your marriage more important than the band and
said (implied?) that you were prepared to quit if that is what he wanted.
If you don't quit now you are telling him that the band is more important
than the marriage.
Are the posters on this thread from an alien planet of perfect people, or can somebody relate? It could just be me! Really, I am asking. What do you all think?

You don't seem to like most of the answers you've gotten so far. You only
seem to like the few that tell you what you want to hear. You do not seem
to want advice but people to tell you that your husband is wrong and you
should stay in the band. So there doesn't seem much point telling you what
I think.

Jayne

jet wrote:
Get over your feelings! He hasn't been too unreasonable with his request. And now you make it sound like you really do care about your freedom to do what you want more than giving up something rather insignificant for the sake of your marriage. I think that you hit the nail on the head. I DO care about my freedom. This is really the big question, I guess, that I have to ask myself. I never thought that it would be acceptable for me to ask him to do something not of his own free will, meaning, that if he did accept my request, then it would be because he would want to do that for the sake of the marriage.

Well, I think you are making progress. The first thing
is to figure out exactly what are your priorities. When
you say that you would hope that he honored your
request because he wanted "to do that for the sake
of marriage", have you thought about the other side
of the coin? In other words, what if he didn't want to do
you wanted? Wouldn't that mean that "the sake of
the marriage" wasn't as important as what he wanted
to do? Would that be acceptable to you? Would you easily
say "honey I want you to do this if you care about our marriage,
but if you don't do it, it's OK, you don't have to care that
much about our marriage"?!!
Another thing, though: I don't like the fact that he is telling me to quit b/c he is unsure that he can trust me.

Your are right there. He shouldn't be mistrusting you
if you haven't given him any reason to. Perhaps you
can talk it through with him and find out why exactly
he doesn't trust you.
Will this be the norm, then, for every dumb thing that I do in the future (i.e., probably tomorrow)? Don't I deserve a little forgiveness?

Yes, but at the same time, there are some things that
your husband may be particularly sensitive about. The
smart thing is to be extra careful not to do things that
troubles him. Of course he could be a very unreasonable
man and expect too much, but at this point I am not sure
if that is the case. I agree that he should get over his
feeling of lack of trust, but perhaps you are not giving
him enough assurance and help him through the process.
Saying that you may do another stupid thing soon sure
won't help him!
Are the posters on this thread from an alien planet of perfect people, or can somebody relate? It could just be me! Really, I am asking. What do you all think?

No, no one is perfect, including your husband. You are
giving yourself permission to do dumb things from time
to time, why not give him the permission to be a bit extra sensitive
about some issues too, even if it seems less than totally logical
to you? If you accept his shortcoming like your own, then you can
help him get over it easier.

Some people are quick to blame their spouse
for their insecurity, without even thinking that perhaps
they can do things to enhance or reduce their insecurities.
Marriage is about give and take, and acceptance of
each other's deficits as well as strengths. Don't expect
your husband to be a perfect rational understanding
one, while allowing yourself to be less than that.

Best of luck to you.

>and the lead singer actually said the band comes before hisfamily...if he had to chose between his wife/kid or the band..he would chosethe band.. (his words)

I was married to a band member for 8 years.Divorced from him now. I was
faithful every weekend for 8 years. I was thereat the bars and most of the time
enjoyed it. We didn't have kids together but he had a son by a previous
marriage. He chose the band over any and all of his family. When he did get his
son, he took him straight to his mothers so it wouldn't interfere with his
weekend. He was very very selfish and the music business is a competitive
hobby. Maybe your DH feelings are more jealousy than non-trusting. I know that
I got very resentful due to missing out on lots of activities he refused to
participate in. He didn't want me anywhere else but right there with him. As I
got older, I was beginning to be resentful. I wanted to start a family.
Needless to say, divorce BIG TIME. He flat out told me no way and the rest is
history. Try and find out what is really going on with him. Yes, I knew he
played music when I met him but sometimes feelings change as we mature. I hope
the best of luck comes to you both. It's a tough situation.

Mel

"jet" <tiny00@peoplepc.com> wrote in message
news:47acb995.0401281008.4e6adff1@posting.google.c om... 3-4 years ago we all tried playing in a band together, but there were musical differences. There were some words exchanged (not involving me- I didn't really know that it was so personal for my man), and the band broke up. A couple months later I was invited to play with them in a new band (husband was also involved with another project). At our first gig husband came, spoke to the guys that he fought with, and I though we were letting by-gones be by-gones. But now my husband says I am in a band with guys that "insulted" him. Jesus, the last time I was "insulted" must have been 4th grade!

The more you write about this, the more I suspect that the underlying issue
is one of respect--for your marriage and for your husband. From what you've
written here, it seems like you're dismissive of whatever "bad blood" there
may be between him and your bandmates. Maybe you wouldn't be insulted, but
he's not *you*. Learning to live with one another's differences is one of
the harder parts of making a marriage work. Another hard part is accepting
that if you let anything come between you and your spouse--it will.

The other thing that kind of makes me scratch my head is your assertion that
you would never ask your husband to do something that he wouldn't do "of his
own free will"--and by implication, that he shouldn't ask anything of you
that you wouldn't do freely. That can get hugely complicated, because
ideally, you should also want to do "of your own free will" whatever is
pleasing to your spouse. So, he shouldn't ask you to quit if you don't
wanna. But by the same token, you shouldn't want to be in the band, knowing
it ticks him off to the extent it does. Catch-22, if you will.

The way out of this mess is to recall that all relationships call for
compromise. Sometimes it's small compromises. Sometimes it's big
compromises. And when you pick apart the concept of "compromise," it
essentially means "doing something you don't wanna."

So--unless you expect to never have to compromise in your marriage, of
course you are going to do things that you would not otherwise "only for the
sake of the marriage," and of course you are going to ask your husband to do
things that he would not otherwise "only for the sake of the marriage." I'm
sure you can think of trivial examples where this has happened, like the
time where "of your own free will" you would not have watched that rerun of
"Enterprise," but you did so for the sake of your spouse/marriage. Or vice
versa. Maybe this is the first time you've had to compromise on something
more significant that what TV show to watch or the fat-% of the milk in the
fridge.

So, that being said--now you know it *was* really personal for your husband
(and your lack of respect for his feelings is adding injury to insult, as it
were). What are you going to do, and how are you going to compromise? Have
you thought, for example, about leaving your current group and trying to
find a different band?

I also suggest you check out the book "The Seven Principles of Making
Marriage Work," by John Gottman. It's a good eye-opener for people who
believe that successful marriage is about "compatibility" and lack of
conflict. Instead, it teaches you *how* to manage conflict (inevitable) in
your relationship so that it doesn't tear you apart.

Good luck!

jet (tiny00@peoplepc.com) writes: Ellie <ellie_first@hotmail.com> wrote in message Get over your feelings! He hasn't been too unreasonable with his request. And now you make it sound like you really do care about your freedom to do what you want more than giving up something rather insignificant for the sake of your marriage. I think that you hit the nail on the head. I DO care about my freedom.

Well, you can be " free " *or* married. Pick one...
This is really the big question, I guess, that I have to ask myself. I never thought that it would be acceptable for me to ask him to do something not of his own free will, meaning, that if he did accept my request, then it would be because he would want to do that for the sake of the marriage.

Thats a passive-agressive act. Where you *want the other person to do what
you wnat them to do for you, but in a way where you don't have to be
responsible for asking specifically for it*.

Thats not good.
Another thing, though: I don't like the fact that he is telling me to quit b/c he is unsure that he can trust me. Will this be the norm, then, for every dumb thing that I do in the future (i.e., probably tomorrow)? Don't I deserve a little forgiveness?

Have you earned it ? Its not a free entitlement...
Are the posters on this thread from an alien planet of perfect people, or can somebody relate? It could just be me! Really, I am asking. What do you all think?

Different people have different views of what they want to get
from, and give to, a relationship. These things are matters that
the couple should clearly discuss, thoroughly, *before* the issues
come up as actions/complaints.

If he doesn't like you staying out in a band, in bars, until 3 AM,
thats not that " unreasonable ". If you told him " If this is a deal
breaker to you, I'll quit the band ", and now, he *dares take you
up on that*, well, you offered. It would again be passive-agression
to demand that he NOT take you up on *what you offered*.

*Never* offer what you won't give/do...

Because, if you do offer it, you have NO right to complain when
the person you offered to, says " Yes ".

Andre

--
" I'm a man... But, I can change... If I have to... I guess. "
The Man Prayer, Red Green.

On Tue, 27 Jan 2004 17:13:39 -0600, "Shashay Doofray"
<shashay@yahoo.com> wrote:
It's time to get your priorities straight. Your husband should be yourfirst priority. Period. Forget the band and concentrate on being a goodwife.SD

Yeah, stay home and cook him a chicken pot pie or something.
"Concentrate on being a good wife?" That's a load of crap. I agree she
shouldn't have been hanging out at all hours of the morning, but she
shouldn't have to give up something she enjoys like being in a band.
She should try to get her husband involved in her interests. Get him
to spend time with these other guys and perhaps he won't feel so
threatened.

--Brian

"Shashay Doofray" <shashay@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:<bv9fnd$pesff$1@ID-177524.news.uni-berlin.de>... It's time to get your priorities straight. Your husband should be your first priority. Period. Forget the band and concentrate on being a good wife. SD

Would your husband be interested in starting a band with you?

On 28 Jan 2004 19:41:04 -0800, caren50@msn.com (Caren) wrote:
"Shashay Doofray" <shashay@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:<bv9fnd$pesff$1@ID-177524.news.uni-berlin.de>... It's time to get your priorities straight. Your husband should be your first priority. Period. Forget the band and concentrate on being a good wife. SDWould your husband be interested in starting a band with you?

After reading more of the thread, they already did that.

--Brian

jet wrote:

<snip>
Thank you, Brian. My husband also plays music, and in fact, we just started a new band together. A long time ago he was in my current band, but he did not get along with the two guys. He apparantly has held this grudge about them "insulting him" for the past 3-4 years. Frankly, I think that his attitude is childish, although I would never say that to my man. I do try to include him, for ex., "please come to our gig," but he always says no.

I think while the staying out late and the all-nighter were inconsiderate of
you they were convenient handles for your husband to use to express his
dislike of the company you are keeping generally. The real issue is probably
just the fact he doesn't want you hanging out with these guys.

You both have similar interests and you can easily go to watch/listen to
your husband perform but he feels uncomfortable doing the same so that part
of your life is cut off from him. He might be being unreasonable in the
sense that you don't spend more than a few nights a month with these people
but it's hard for any person to see his spouse spending time with people he
dislikes, especially if he's introduced the loyalty card and you know he
doesn't want you around them.

Do you think your husband really doesn't know you think his grievance is
childish? That won't be helping because it shows you aren't really
interested in his feelings as much as you should be. Instead of standing on
your rights and freedoms try to be a bit more conciliating. For example, ask
him if it would be different if you were playing with other musicians.

Because I really think that a new band is easier to find than a new husband.
I do NOT think the answer is to give up on being in a band altogether.

I will never stay out without calling again, I promise, but should I expect this hellishness every time that I do something completely stupid? Another thing is this: This, to him, is, as he says, "a start," as if I have an enormously long way to go before we can for ex., buy a home.

Then you'd best ask him for his list of all the problems he sees in your
relationship because you two don't sound in the same chapter, let alone on
the same page.

Tai