LilMtnCbn
02-07-2005, 06:37 AM
http://thestar.com.my/lifestyle/story.asp?file=/2005/2/7/features/10067167
&sec=features
Three is company
PEOPLE adopt children for all kinds of reasons, and not always for the right
ones. Take it from James Nayagam, executive director of Shelter, which is a
welfare organisation for children who have been neglected, abandoned, abused or
exposed to domestic violence.
In the course of duty, he has had many requests from couples who want to adopt.
“People have this beautiful picture in their minds of saving a kid from a sad
life and giving them joy but find later that the reality is so different. Some
adopt because they want companions for their single biological child. In such a
case, I would normally refuse as it is not for the right reason and there are
so many couples who are childless and yearn for a child for the right
reasons,” said Nayagam.
Because of his work, many people have assumed that he could be a source for
children for adoption and some mothers-to-be or parents-to-be think he could
get them connected with people who want to adopt. He decided to act as a
facilitator as, ultimately, a child would be given a better life.
“I could also relate to how these couples who couldn’t conceive were
feeling. For nine years my wife and I were childless and I wasn’t ready to
adopt even though children constantly surrounded us. But then my wife conceived
and we were blessed with twins and the joy of having them is just boundless,”
said Nayagam.
He screens through prospective adoptive parents carefully, he said, and
questions them to make sure they have the right motives and capability to
adopt. Nayagam said he can normally tell within a few minutes if they are
qualified and genuine.
After the initial screening, he sees if there is a child who fits the bill and
puts both parties together. Nayagam tells the prospective adoptive parents to
hire a lawyer and leaves the two parties to complete the process through a
court of law. It is not something he gets paid for but he stays in touch with
the adoptive parents to see how the child fares, he said.
Because of the nature of his job, MCA public complaints and services department
head Datuk Michael Chong too gets enquiries from couples on the possibilities
of adoption. He said that, so far, he has helped six couples adopt (all
legally, of course).
Matters to be aware of
There are many people out to make a quick buck, Chong cautioned. He said that
there were quite a few cases in which a woman agreed to give up her child after
“her expenses” were paid. Once the adoption was done, the “husband”
showed up and demanded the baby back as he claimed he was not consulted and
only agreed to let them have the baby if they gave more money.
Women’s Aid Organisation (WAO) welfare officer Shoba Aiyar said that the NGO
had to deal with young unmarried girls who became pregnant. It is
non-judgmental with the girls and leaves it to them to decide if they want to
keep the babies. If the girls decide to give them up, the organisation refers
them to the hospitals where apparently they have their own welfare staff who
then make arrangements with prospective adoptive parents (they have their own
lists) through the legal process.
She added that the NGO had about 10 such cases last year but members of the
public do call to enquire about adoption; WAO tells them it does not get
directly involved in such things.
There are some groups which do facilitate adoption. Paul, a manager, was
blessed with his adoptive daughter through a pro-life group in Sarawak, after
four years of marriage. He and his wife (who also works) had started making
enquiries and it so happened that another friend heard about this group and
because of Paul’s good standing as a Christian group leader, he and his wife
were selected to be the parents of a newborn baby girl. The baby’s biological
mother is a woman in her thirties who had been seduced and later abandoned
after she became pregnant.
“We didn’t want to go through the Welfare Department as the process and the
wait was too long and there were no guarantees. In Sarawak, the process was
much easier as there was no need to go to court (note: Sarawak and Sabah are
governed by a different set of adoption regulations). The mother has to appear
before the Commissioner for Oaths and swear to give up the child and then the
adoptive parents do the same (either together or separately) and the district
officer who is present is empowered to issue the adoption papers. It can take
about two weeks for this process,” said Paul.
When the adoption process is completed, the “new” parents have to surrender
the original birth certificate (which carries the names of the biological
parents) to the Registration Department and the adopters are given an extract
copy. They are also given another certificate (that looks like a birth
certificate) in which the adoptive parents’ names are listed. Prior to 2001
it would also state that the child is adopted but, since the amendments to the
legislation, this is not done so the new parents do not have to worry about the
child or someone else finding out that the child is adopted.
Paul’s daughter was adopted in 1999 so the “adopted” stamp is on the
certificate, and this is something that he worries about.
Objections can be raised
Freddie (a self-employed businessman) and his wife Ruby do not have that worry
as their four-year-old son was adopted after the amendment.
Freddie said that after eight years of a childless marriage, he and his wife
decided to adopt and expressed their wish to another party. After two weeks,
that person called back saying there was a child available. The boy was
slightly over two years old and had been left with the babysitter by his
mother.
The couple hired a lawyer friend and the process through the courts took about
six months. Ruby said there were three hearings and, during that six-month
period, she was concerned someone might object to the adoption (a six-month
period is given during which anyone can voice substantial objections to the
adoption).
The Social Welfare Department interviewed the couple and conducted visits prior
to the final approval. Officers from the department looked in on the couple
after the adoption had gone through to see if the child was doing well.
The couple paid the babysitter her overdue fees as any responsible parent would
have done.
Suria and her husband found the Social Welfare Department’s adoption process
daunting. They had registered with it but at the same time started making
enquiries. Then someone told them of a mother who wanted to give up her baby.
It was a boy and the couple then went through the legal process. But for Muslim
couples, it is a longer wait as the whole process takes two years before they
can be officially confirmed as the “new” parents.
Now, having a son, they wanted another child. So three and a half months ago a
daughter came into their lives. She too was “obtained” in the same way –
from a pregnant single mother who could not keep the child.
What happens when the time comes for the daughter to get married? In Islam when
a girl gets married, she needs a wali to give her away and in this case, an
adoptive father is not allowed to do so. So they have to get the kadi (Muslim
official) to act as the wali, which means the girl will have to be told she is
adopted.
Suria said that she will tell her daughter she is adopted when she is old
enough to understand the significance. The other couples interviewed also said
the same but they all reiterated that for them it is not an issue that the
child is adopted – he or she might as well have been their biological child.
At the end of the day, that is all that matters, isn’t it? – By S.S. Yoga
-------------------------
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!"
-----Unknown
&sec=features
Three is company
PEOPLE adopt children for all kinds of reasons, and not always for the right
ones. Take it from James Nayagam, executive director of Shelter, which is a
welfare organisation for children who have been neglected, abandoned, abused or
exposed to domestic violence.
In the course of duty, he has had many requests from couples who want to adopt.
“People have this beautiful picture in their minds of saving a kid from a sad
life and giving them joy but find later that the reality is so different. Some
adopt because they want companions for their single biological child. In such a
case, I would normally refuse as it is not for the right reason and there are
so many couples who are childless and yearn for a child for the right
reasons,” said Nayagam.
Because of his work, many people have assumed that he could be a source for
children for adoption and some mothers-to-be or parents-to-be think he could
get them connected with people who want to adopt. He decided to act as a
facilitator as, ultimately, a child would be given a better life.
“I could also relate to how these couples who couldn’t conceive were
feeling. For nine years my wife and I were childless and I wasn’t ready to
adopt even though children constantly surrounded us. But then my wife conceived
and we were blessed with twins and the joy of having them is just boundless,”
said Nayagam.
He screens through prospective adoptive parents carefully, he said, and
questions them to make sure they have the right motives and capability to
adopt. Nayagam said he can normally tell within a few minutes if they are
qualified and genuine.
After the initial screening, he sees if there is a child who fits the bill and
puts both parties together. Nayagam tells the prospective adoptive parents to
hire a lawyer and leaves the two parties to complete the process through a
court of law. It is not something he gets paid for but he stays in touch with
the adoptive parents to see how the child fares, he said.
Because of the nature of his job, MCA public complaints and services department
head Datuk Michael Chong too gets enquiries from couples on the possibilities
of adoption. He said that, so far, he has helped six couples adopt (all
legally, of course).
Matters to be aware of
There are many people out to make a quick buck, Chong cautioned. He said that
there were quite a few cases in which a woman agreed to give up her child after
“her expenses” were paid. Once the adoption was done, the “husband”
showed up and demanded the baby back as he claimed he was not consulted and
only agreed to let them have the baby if they gave more money.
Women’s Aid Organisation (WAO) welfare officer Shoba Aiyar said that the NGO
had to deal with young unmarried girls who became pregnant. It is
non-judgmental with the girls and leaves it to them to decide if they want to
keep the babies. If the girls decide to give them up, the organisation refers
them to the hospitals where apparently they have their own welfare staff who
then make arrangements with prospective adoptive parents (they have their own
lists) through the legal process.
She added that the NGO had about 10 such cases last year but members of the
public do call to enquire about adoption; WAO tells them it does not get
directly involved in such things.
There are some groups which do facilitate adoption. Paul, a manager, was
blessed with his adoptive daughter through a pro-life group in Sarawak, after
four years of marriage. He and his wife (who also works) had started making
enquiries and it so happened that another friend heard about this group and
because of Paul’s good standing as a Christian group leader, he and his wife
were selected to be the parents of a newborn baby girl. The baby’s biological
mother is a woman in her thirties who had been seduced and later abandoned
after she became pregnant.
“We didn’t want to go through the Welfare Department as the process and the
wait was too long and there were no guarantees. In Sarawak, the process was
much easier as there was no need to go to court (note: Sarawak and Sabah are
governed by a different set of adoption regulations). The mother has to appear
before the Commissioner for Oaths and swear to give up the child and then the
adoptive parents do the same (either together or separately) and the district
officer who is present is empowered to issue the adoption papers. It can take
about two weeks for this process,” said Paul.
When the adoption process is completed, the “new” parents have to surrender
the original birth certificate (which carries the names of the biological
parents) to the Registration Department and the adopters are given an extract
copy. They are also given another certificate (that looks like a birth
certificate) in which the adoptive parents’ names are listed. Prior to 2001
it would also state that the child is adopted but, since the amendments to the
legislation, this is not done so the new parents do not have to worry about the
child or someone else finding out that the child is adopted.
Paul’s daughter was adopted in 1999 so the “adopted” stamp is on the
certificate, and this is something that he worries about.
Objections can be raised
Freddie (a self-employed businessman) and his wife Ruby do not have that worry
as their four-year-old son was adopted after the amendment.
Freddie said that after eight years of a childless marriage, he and his wife
decided to adopt and expressed their wish to another party. After two weeks,
that person called back saying there was a child available. The boy was
slightly over two years old and had been left with the babysitter by his
mother.
The couple hired a lawyer friend and the process through the courts took about
six months. Ruby said there were three hearings and, during that six-month
period, she was concerned someone might object to the adoption (a six-month
period is given during which anyone can voice substantial objections to the
adoption).
The Social Welfare Department interviewed the couple and conducted visits prior
to the final approval. Officers from the department looked in on the couple
after the adoption had gone through to see if the child was doing well.
The couple paid the babysitter her overdue fees as any responsible parent would
have done.
Suria and her husband found the Social Welfare Department’s adoption process
daunting. They had registered with it but at the same time started making
enquiries. Then someone told them of a mother who wanted to give up her baby.
It was a boy and the couple then went through the legal process. But for Muslim
couples, it is a longer wait as the whole process takes two years before they
can be officially confirmed as the “new” parents.
Now, having a son, they wanted another child. So three and a half months ago a
daughter came into their lives. She too was “obtained” in the same way –
from a pregnant single mother who could not keep the child.
What happens when the time comes for the daughter to get married? In Islam when
a girl gets married, she needs a wali to give her away and in this case, an
adoptive father is not allowed to do so. So they have to get the kadi (Muslim
official) to act as the wali, which means the girl will have to be told she is
adopted.
Suria said that she will tell her daughter she is adopted when she is old
enough to understand the significance. The other couples interviewed also said
the same but they all reiterated that for them it is not an issue that the
child is adopted – he or she might as well have been their biological child.
At the end of the day, that is all that matters, isn’t it? – By S.S. Yoga
-------------------------
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!"
-----Unknown
