LilMtnCbn
02-05-2005, 04:42 AM
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/index.cfm?c_id=1&ObjectID=10009528
Sandra Paterson: Antipathy to adoption ignores today's reality
05.02.05
Early last year I began looking into the possibility of adopting a child. (Cue
howls of protest about how single women should not be allowed to adopt.) It was
something I had thought about for a long time - fuelled by a love of children,
my daughter's desire for a sibling and the idea of providing a safe and loving
home for an unwanted child.
So to find out more I went to a series of seminars run by CYFS for prospective
adoptive parents.
Sitting in a semi-circle of chairs, we were an interesting bunch with many a
varied story. Most were infertile couples who had suffered years of dashed
hopes and stressful fertility treatment. Others had two or three children but
wanted to offer a home to an overseas orphan.
Then there were two or three women on their own, like me, who were considering
adopting an infant from Russia or China, the only two countries from which
single New Zealanders can adopt.
Certainly it is preferable for a baby to be raised by a mum and dad, we
reasoned, but which is better: a life of neglect in an impoverished orphanage
or being raised in a healthy environment by a single woman with oodles of love
and affection?
Anyway, most of the couples at the seminar wanted to adopt locally in order to
get a baby as young as possible, so we spent considerable time learning about
open adoption, by which the birth mother stays in touch with the new family.
Open adoption is a far cry from the hush-hush arrangements of a few decades ago
- a distinction most people are failing to make in the debate after Don Brash's
welfare speech.
His call to make adoption an acceptable option for women with unwanted
pregnancies resulted in a predictable uproar about how traumatic and damaging
the process was for all concerned.
Back in the 1950s, 60s and early 70s, it certainly was. Adoption agencies went
to great lengths to ensure that birth parents and adoptive parents never met -
some even had separate entrance-ways - and the new family was given precious
little information about the child's biological background.
The baby would be whisked away from the birth mother moments after birth,
leaving her with nothing but shame and empty arms.
And, saddest of all, the children themselves were often not told they were
adopted until some devastating moment later in life, if ever. It was all about
secrets and lies and, although there were exceptions, the usual result was pain
and confusion.
Adoption today is radically different and should not be discouraged because of
the mistakes of the past. As one social worker said to us at the seminar, it is
no longer about the absolute end of one family and the beginning of another,
nor does it sever the psychological tie to an earlier family. Rather, it
expands the family boundaries of all those who are involved.
Although many adoptive parents are initially fearful of open adoption, worried
that the birth mother will be too intrusive, most of them seem to end up
appreciating the value of the ongoing contact.
Don Brash's comment about adoption was mainly in reference to teenage mothers.
These days when a teenager finds herself pregnant with no family support, she
is usually presented with two options: raise the child on a benefit or have an
abortion, neither of which is particularly good for her nor for the country,
given spiralling welfare costs and low birth rate.
The fact is that choosing to let the child live and then giving him or her the
best life possible through adoption can be tremendously empowering for a young
girl as opposed to the psychological fallout of abortion or life on the DPB.
My young friend Karen, for example, became pregnant at the age of 18 when she
was travelling in Europe. She didn't want to have an abortion, so she came home
and consulted social workers to choose a home for her baby.
"I loved my baby unconditionally and still do, but she needed a stable family
environment and an opportunity to be all that she could be. At 12 days old she
ceased to be my daughter and became my birth-daughter."
Today, several years later, the two families visit regularly and exchange phone
calls and letters. The birth-father, from overseas, has also been to see his
daughter.
Karen does not regret her decision: "She was a life in me that I allowed to
live and grow, and now her photos are on my walls and her drawings are on my
fridge. Although it has been a hard road, it is a rewarding and amazing road."
Personally, after a lot of thought, I decided not to adopt a child, at least
not for now. But there are thousands of couples who would do so given the
chance, and who, judging by those I met, would make fantastic parents.
Granted, it does not always work out happily but neither does raising one's own
biological children. And with one in six couples in this country infertile,
3500 teen parents on benefits and some 3800 teenage girls having abortions
every year, surely adoption, at the very least, should be an acceptable option.
* Sandra Paterson, of Mt Maunganui, is a freelance journalist.
-------------------------
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!"
-----Unknown
Sandra Paterson: Antipathy to adoption ignores today's reality
05.02.05
Early last year I began looking into the possibility of adopting a child. (Cue
howls of protest about how single women should not be allowed to adopt.) It was
something I had thought about for a long time - fuelled by a love of children,
my daughter's desire for a sibling and the idea of providing a safe and loving
home for an unwanted child.
So to find out more I went to a series of seminars run by CYFS for prospective
adoptive parents.
Sitting in a semi-circle of chairs, we were an interesting bunch with many a
varied story. Most were infertile couples who had suffered years of dashed
hopes and stressful fertility treatment. Others had two or three children but
wanted to offer a home to an overseas orphan.
Then there were two or three women on their own, like me, who were considering
adopting an infant from Russia or China, the only two countries from which
single New Zealanders can adopt.
Certainly it is preferable for a baby to be raised by a mum and dad, we
reasoned, but which is better: a life of neglect in an impoverished orphanage
or being raised in a healthy environment by a single woman with oodles of love
and affection?
Anyway, most of the couples at the seminar wanted to adopt locally in order to
get a baby as young as possible, so we spent considerable time learning about
open adoption, by which the birth mother stays in touch with the new family.
Open adoption is a far cry from the hush-hush arrangements of a few decades ago
- a distinction most people are failing to make in the debate after Don Brash's
welfare speech.
His call to make adoption an acceptable option for women with unwanted
pregnancies resulted in a predictable uproar about how traumatic and damaging
the process was for all concerned.
Back in the 1950s, 60s and early 70s, it certainly was. Adoption agencies went
to great lengths to ensure that birth parents and adoptive parents never met -
some even had separate entrance-ways - and the new family was given precious
little information about the child's biological background.
The baby would be whisked away from the birth mother moments after birth,
leaving her with nothing but shame and empty arms.
And, saddest of all, the children themselves were often not told they were
adopted until some devastating moment later in life, if ever. It was all about
secrets and lies and, although there were exceptions, the usual result was pain
and confusion.
Adoption today is radically different and should not be discouraged because of
the mistakes of the past. As one social worker said to us at the seminar, it is
no longer about the absolute end of one family and the beginning of another,
nor does it sever the psychological tie to an earlier family. Rather, it
expands the family boundaries of all those who are involved.
Although many adoptive parents are initially fearful of open adoption, worried
that the birth mother will be too intrusive, most of them seem to end up
appreciating the value of the ongoing contact.
Don Brash's comment about adoption was mainly in reference to teenage mothers.
These days when a teenager finds herself pregnant with no family support, she
is usually presented with two options: raise the child on a benefit or have an
abortion, neither of which is particularly good for her nor for the country,
given spiralling welfare costs and low birth rate.
The fact is that choosing to let the child live and then giving him or her the
best life possible through adoption can be tremendously empowering for a young
girl as opposed to the psychological fallout of abortion or life on the DPB.
My young friend Karen, for example, became pregnant at the age of 18 when she
was travelling in Europe. She didn't want to have an abortion, so she came home
and consulted social workers to choose a home for her baby.
"I loved my baby unconditionally and still do, but she needed a stable family
environment and an opportunity to be all that she could be. At 12 days old she
ceased to be my daughter and became my birth-daughter."
Today, several years later, the two families visit regularly and exchange phone
calls and letters. The birth-father, from overseas, has also been to see his
daughter.
Karen does not regret her decision: "She was a life in me that I allowed to
live and grow, and now her photos are on my walls and her drawings are on my
fridge. Although it has been a hard road, it is a rewarding and amazing road."
Personally, after a lot of thought, I decided not to adopt a child, at least
not for now. But there are thousands of couples who would do so given the
chance, and who, judging by those I met, would make fantastic parents.
Granted, it does not always work out happily but neither does raising one's own
biological children. And with one in six couples in this country infertile,
3500 teen parents on benefits and some 3800 teenage girls having abortions
every year, surely adoption, at the very least, should be an acceptable option.
* Sandra Paterson, of Mt Maunganui, is a freelance journalist.
-------------------------
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!"
-----Unknown
