and should lead them ... apart.
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Q: I recently learned my sister and her husband gave up a child for adoption
when they married 30 years ago. They had more children later. They're divorced,
her ex isn't around. She remarried. Her new husband doesn't know about this,
nor do her other kids.

This child found her through an agency. I don't think they met. I've told my
sister to tell her husband and especially her kids, they have every right to
know. She hasn't yet, after four years and I'm afraid she never will. I want to
threaten her to tell the kids or I will. But I don't want to stir the pot. They
could be having a relationship with their true sibling. It's so selfish to keep
this secret.


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What To Do?


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A: This isn't your pot, so turn off the heat. Even a sister is allowed to make
her own choices. This may some day blow up in her face, should the "child" find
the siblings, or someone else tell the story. But if you cause this to happen,
you'll be losing a sister and perhaps more of the family ... the very thing you
feel so strongly against. Your best role as a supportive relative is to warn
her about how wrongly this can go for her by remaining silent, and how warmly
it might turn out if she opens up. Then back off, and don't judge her; you
cannot measure the depth of guilt and shame she might be feeling, and has her
so blocked.


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A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!"
-----Unknown