Please dont be to harsh on me. My son is now 11 years old and has never known his biodad. When I thought I was pregnant with him I told his dad. I took a home pregnancy test which was positive. Biodad knew this. He at that time said that the baby could not be his because he was sterile. I know I had not been with anyone else and knew the baby was his. So, I took that comment to mean, he did not want a baby. So, I broke up with him before I had gone to a doctor for a more accurate test. I stayed at my same residence and had the same number for 5 months after our break up. He never called to find out if I was indeed pregnant.

I have recently filed for child support. He was served with papers from Child support services to take a dna test 2x's and he didnt show up for either date. So they then filed with the courthouse and he was served a subpoena. He then called me ?ing why I had never told him and why it took so long. I explained how I felt about him not wanting a child and that I was determined to just raise him on my own.

He says that he will fight me, that he should have been given the opportunity to name the child after him. He also went on about how he is sterile and has no other children and has tried and tried for years with no luck. He says he should not have to pay child support for a child he knew nothing about all of these years and he has not known and is not named after him. He says he will get a lawyer to fight it.

Morally, I know I should have told him that I was definitely pregnant instead of just that I thought I was. But, will that haunt me legally now? I am not sure if he is going to want to see him because he went on about wanting a child but that he has 2 stepchildren now to support.

What are my options if he does try to fight child support? I thought it would be pretty cut and dry, If he is the father he pays.

Please dont be to harsh on me. My son is now 11 years old and has never known his biodad. When I thought I was pregnant with him I told his dad. I took a home pregnancy test which was positive. Biodad knew this. He at that time said that the baby could not be his because he was sterile. I know I had not been with anyone else and knew the baby was his. So, I took that comment to mean, he did not want a baby. So, I broke up with him before I had gone to a doctor for a more accurate test. I stayed at my same residence and had the same number for 5 months after our break up. He never called to find out if I was indeed pregnant.

I have recently filed for child support. He was served with papers from Child support services to take a dna test 2x's and he didnt show up for either date. So they then filed with the courthouse and he was served a subpoena. He then called me ?ing why I had never told him and why it took so long. I explained how I felt about him not wanting a child and that I was determined to just raise him on my own.

He says that he will fight me, that he should have been given the opportunity to name the child after him. He also went on about how he is sterile and has no other children and has tried and tried for years with no luck. He says he should not have to pay child support for a child he knew nothing about all of these years and he has not known and is not named after him. He says he will get a lawyer to fight it.

Morally, I know I should have told him that I was definitely pregnant instead of just that I thought I was. But, will that haunt me legally now? I am not sure if he is going to want to see him because he went on about wanting a child but that he has 2 stepchildren now to support.

What are my options if he does try to fight child support? I thought it would be pretty cut and dry, If he is the father he pays.
Okay, you obviousy know what you should have done, so no preaching. :) The fact is that it doesn't matter. He can fight it all he wants. If he is the father, he will pay support. It will most likely only be ordered from the filing date of the order, but he won't be able to get out of it. Be prepared (if he is the father) for him to file for visitation, and he WILL get it. It will most likely be graduated visitation until they are comfortable enough with each other to have regular visitation. As difficult a time as you will have with it, for the well being of the child, you need to be supportive, if this is what the dad decides he wants to do. Now, relax. I would also suggest that you find a therapist for your son to help him through some of this. It is going to be very confusing and possibly upsetting for him, and he will need an unbiased person with whom he can discuss anything he wants, with no fear of reprisals.

His attorney will explain the basics of life to him. Don't worry about that. When he learns he is the father, he will contribute. (It may not be a voluntary contribution, none the less he will contribute). As friendly advice, I would not try to get back support. This is just my opinion. 11 years is pretty harsh to repay, and if you it needed prior, you would have asked earlier. He will be upset initially, but now he may have a chance to enjoy his new child without anymore stress on the situation for both of you. (I am assuming you want him to be part of the child’s life) Keeping the peace is always cheaper and livable. Good luck.

Thanks so much for your reply. Visitation is not a problem with me. That is actually why I filed for support in the 1st place. I have done without the money this long. I just want my son to know his father and his family. I think I went about it the wrong way but did not know how to find him any other way. I tried searching but came up with nothing. I did not remember his date of birth and never knew his social. So without the help of child support enforcement I was unable to find him.

I also was thinking of putting my son into counseling however, i have not told my son about his dad. I am going to wait and see if dad is actually going to want to see him. He is sending very mixed signals at this point. When he called me he was upset and said he didnt even remember me so it couldnt possibly be his child. Then he starts talking about it being to late and nothing that I can do now to get child support. I sent him a picture of our son in the mail, as he insisted on this and said he could tell by that if he was indeed his son, (yeah,whatever). Anyway, he looks exactly like him. He also said that I needed to have stepdad adopt him because he was the one legally responsible for him now as he has 2 stepchildren he is responsible for. (I know that isnt how it works, but didnt want to argue)

Then he goes on and on how if he is his son, he will sue me for not telling him sooner. And because he never had the chance to name him after him. He said he always wanted a bio child but could never have one. Said if the boy is his, he will not let any stepdad stand in the way. See what I mean, very mixed signals.

No, your right. I absolutely will NOT go for back child support. I was told that I can get it from the date I filed. I am not sure if that means the date I filed with Child support or what but I only want it from the time he knew he had a son. Meaning this January when he was contacted by the agency.

I do want him to have a relationship with his dad. That is very important. Years ago, I thought he didnt need that all he needed was me but I see things different now that I am older. I want him to know his dad and his entire family.

I am trying to do everything I can to keep the peace. I dont want to go into this with bad feelings. I want to have a decent relationship for our son. If his dad or his stepmom start bad mouthing me though, I am afraid my son will lock up on that relationship. I plan to boost his dad so high that he will be so excited to meet him. I plan to put his dad on a pedastool for him. I dont have any bad feelings about biodad. But I know he does for me because I waited so long. And I have apologized repeatedly for that. I just honestly thought that with the "Im sterile" comment, that he didnt want children.

Just curious about them setting child support. I know they base it on income, but will they consider him having stepchildren? I really dont need a high amount of support but I do think he should come before stepchildren. Also, they say I can get support from the date I filed. I plan to forgive him of that and just give that much back to him when he pays it. I do, however, think he should be responsible from the date he was notified which was in January. So he will owe 6 mos back child support plus however long it takes for the dna test to come back. Will they make him pay that all at once or can we have the option to just let him make payments on that back amount?

Thanks for helping.

I am also curious if he will be able to sue me for waiting so long to tell him about his son. Also, is there any chance that he will be able to change his name? I wouldnt mind if he was younger but he is 11 and think it would be kind of confusing for him, then again maybe not.

Just curious about them setting child support. I know they base it on income, but will they consider him having stepchildren? I really dont need a high amount of support but I do think he should come before stepchildren. Also, they say I can get support from the date I filed. I plan to forgive him of that and just give that much back to him when he pays it. I do, however, think he should be responsible from the date he was notified which was in January. So he will owe 6 mos back child support plus however long it takes for the dna test to come back. Will they make him pay that all at once or can we have the option to just let him make payments on that back amount?

Thanks for helping.

I am also curious if he will be able to sue me for waiting so long to tell him about his son. Also, is there any chance that he will be able to change his name? I wouldnt mind if he was younger but he is 11 and think it would be kind of confusing for him, then again maybe not.
No, the step children (I'm assuming) have a parent that should be supporting them. They are not your son's father's legal responsibility. HIS child is.

Anybody can sue for anything, but that doesn't mean that it will go anywhere. Realistically, no, he will not be able to be awarded damages for your not telling him. You did tell him you were pregnant. He could have just as easily kept in contact with you, as you could have kept in contact with him.

As to the name change...no, he will not be able to change the name. However, he could POSSIBLY force you to ADD his last name to your son's name (hyphenated).

Thanks so much for helping mommyof4. I truly appreciate it.

Do you know what they will do at court if he doesnt show up again? He has had 2 chances to take a dna test thru the agency and did not show. I am just worried he will do the same for court. Will they arrest him if he doesnt show? I have to wait until the end of July for the 1st court date, if he doesnt show will it take just as long for another court date? I have waited since February of this year. I am very nervous about talking to my son and dont know when the time is right. I am pretty sure I should wait until his dad files or wants visitation. I am open for visitation if at 1st it will be with me present. And then after 2-3 visits that way he can start taking him places for a couple of hours. And then start having regular overnight visits.

I am just so nervous to see if he is actually going to want to see him.

Also, how will they have him pay back child support? Will they let him make payments, or will they say he has to pay all of it right then?

Thanks again for the help.

Thanks so much for helping mommyof4. I truly appreciate it.

Do you know what they will do at court if he doesnt show up again? He has had 2 chances to take a dna test thru the agency and did not show. I am just worried he will do the same for court. Will they arrest him if he doesnt show? I have to wait until the end of July for the 1st court date, if he doesnt show will it take just as long for another court date? I have waited since February of this year. I am very nervous about talking to my son and dont know when the time is right. I am pretty sure I should wait until his dad files or wants visitation. I am open for visitation if at 1st it will be with me present. And then after 2-3 visits that way he can start taking him places for a couple of hours. And then start having regular overnight visits.

I am just so nervous to see if he is actually going to want to see him.

Also, how will they have him pay back child support? Will they let him make payments, or will they say he has to pay all of it right then?

Thanks again for the help.
If he does not respond or submit to the test, he will be declared to be the father by default. Believe me, if he has a lawyer, the lawyer will tell him to get his hiney to court. No matter HOW he is declared to be the father, once he is, the child support will be ordered. If you wait for Ceara, she can answer you specific questions about payment of support better than I can. I am not sure if he will be able to have an extra amount added until he pays the arrears, or if he needs to pay it up front. Ceara will know.

If I were you, I would talk to your son as soon as possible. You need to allow as much time as possible for him to absorb and come to terms with the idea of having his father in his life. If the father doesn't want a relationship, you need to be honest with your son about that, too. Even if they never grow close, your son has a right to know about his father.

The oldest child of my ex husband, his son, did not meet his father until he was 11 years old. The mother was my ex's high school sweetheart but they had broken up before she told my ex that she was pregnant.

She moved on quickly to another relationship and told that man and the child that they were father and son. That relationship was on and off for 10 years, he always tried to work things out with her for "their son". After that time, this man finally asked for a DNA test, which was done, which showed that they were not father and son.

When my ex's son first came to live with us at 12, he was a very angry young man. He wouldn't follow the rules of the house, coming and going as he pleased, staying out all night without permission, not helping with household chores, etc..., so whenever he got mad at us he would go back to his mom's house. An impossible situation.

Finally I arranged for he and his mother to come over so we could talk about what was going on. As we tried to explain to her that if he were going to live with us, he had to follow the same rules as the rest of our children. The whole conversation, his mother kept giggling. I lost it. I asked her what she thought was so funny. It came down to she had told my step son that #1: his father knew about him all his life and #2: never wanted anything to do with him. (what was funny about that I will NEVER understand) This conversation was the first he had ever heard differently and she had to own up to lying about that and admit my ex never knew about him. The reason my step son was acting out so much was his way of getting back at his dad for not being in his life, not understanding until that night that he had been lied to.

Things got much better for my ex and his son after that time. My step son has turned 18 recently, and still comes and goes as he pleases because that was how he was "raised" (per mom). They are not as close as my ex would like, but it has more to do with the lies my step son was told, and his confusion over the whole situation rather than a lack of concern or want of a father. His mom, to this day, refused to allow a DNA test. Even when my ex filed to PAY child support she never responded to the court dates. So we still might not know the whole truth.

My ex told his son that if he ever wanted to know for sure, they would get the DNA test now that he is an adult. If he doesn't want the test, they will still be father and son.

My step son is now a father himself. He is so attentive and loving towards his daughter. He told me once that he never want's her to not know who her father is. This tells me he still is hurt by all the time that had passed and the lies he was told about his father.


I guess the point of this long drawn out story is that, children long to know where they come from. Even though a lot of time has passed, your son and his father can have a relationship. Even if your son doesn't express this need to you directly, this may be the best thing for him. I hope his father see's this as an opportunity rather than a burden.

Work out the legalities and continue to be there for your son especially if things don't go quite right. All of this could weigh heavily on him and if his father chooses to fight any of this, he may feel abandoned, again.

As much as we might like, we can't go back in time and make different decisions. Please don't beat yourself up about the past.

Thanks so much OhioStepMom for the reply. It brought tears to my eyes.

I try not to lie to my son. I have told him that his dad and I were very young when we were together and had broke up before I knew I was pregnant, so his dad never knew about him. I plan to tell him, if dad wants to see him that is, that I have found his dad and have talked to him and that his dad is very excited to meet him. I will then tell him about his stepmom and his stepsisters. My son has asked questions before about his dad and I told him things that I know he would enjoy hearing. Such as he loves to camp and fish and loves animals etc. Even though my son has never met his dad, I have never said anything bad about him. I have always lifted him up in my sons eyes.

I worry also about how he will act when he is in his fathers care, if that happens. He is a extraordinary boy though. Very sensitive to others feelings. So much so that when there is a spider or something in the house, he tries to chase it outside rather than to kill it. (He does not get that from me) He is a very caring and loving boy. I have never had any problems with his behavior not at home and not at school. He is on the A/B honor roll every year.

I am hoping because I have talked about his dad the way that I have that when and if the times comes, that it will make things easier for him. Does anyone agree with that?

Ohiostepmom, you say your stepson came to live with you when he was 12 and you did not know about him until he was 11. This worries me because his dad has threatened to get custody of him. He says that I have had him his 1st 11 years, now he wants the rest. I am very open to visitation, probably even more than what is allowed if that is what makes my son happy. I even told his dad that after a couple years down the road, if we all decide that is what is best for our son, I would agree to him having custody. I just dont want it to happen right away. My son and I are way to close and him going to live somewhere else is not the best thing for him right now.

How did you and your husband get custody so quickly? Was she a bad mom or something? Or was it because she waited so long to tell your husband about the child?

I am hoping because I have talked about his dad the way that I have that when and if the times comes, that it will make things easier for him. Does anyone agree with that?

How did you and your husband get custody so quickly? Was she a bad mom or something? Or was it because she waited so long to tell your husband about the child?

To your first question, I do agree that being open with your son is the best path you could have followed. I hope that his father will live up to the things you've told your son.

My exH never pursued custody. His son wanted to come and stay with us and his mother allowed it. He was having some problems in school and we talked about it with both of them. It was my step son who said he wanted to try it. Like I said before, she refused to comply with making anything official, DNA, Child Support, etc.... so we stopped trying to force the issue. Until and unless my step son decides he has to know for sure, meaning DNA, we will probably never know if they, in fact, are father and son. (The resemblance is amazing though. )

Just because he hasn't seen his son in all this time, does not mean the court will just hand your son over to his dad. Your stance on this, going slowly, eventually leaving it up to your son is probably the best way to go. Especially for your son. If his dad truly cares about him, he will eventually come to grips with the time lost, and do what is right by your son. His dad may never forgive you, as hard as I know that must be for you, but it's not about you or dad right now and I hope he realizes that soon.

Don't let dad bully you and know that his threats are based on fear and anger, fear of what your son thinks of him or what your son has been told about him, anger over lost time. Both understandable, but neither of which you will ever be able to explain or apologize enough for, to his satisfaction. His threats are unrealistic and are not legal arguments in any court that I know of. He is saying (and doing) these things to "hurt you back". Make sure the court realizes this when the time comes.