pb...
07-05-2004, 10:14 PM
http://www.buzzflash.com/farrell/04/07/far04022.html
*This fictional news release was inspired by an e-mail making the rounds.
July 6, 2004
Newly Discovered 10th Planet Invades California
by Maureen Farrell
Los Angeles, CA -- In response to fears that California (a state
approximately the size of Iraq) might launch weapons of mass destruction
into outer space, the newly discovered 10th planet Sedna has invaded and
occupied the state, promising to liberate its citizens and improve their
way of life.
"We had credible intelligence that said that California possessed and
was planning to use WMD against us" said Sedna’s leader, Commander G.W.
Voltak, during an interplanetary news conference. "Were we supposed to
wait for the final threat, which come in the form of a mushroom cloud?"
Before the invasion, Sedna’s Air Force dropped leaflets throughout the
state, promising that their only concern was liberating Californians
from poverty, disease and that scary guy from the Terminator movies.
"Have you seen the way those people lived?" one of Sedna’s Senators
asked. "Once they understand what we offer -- a life free of poverty,
disease and turmoil -- they’ll welcome us as liberators."
Regrettably, approximately 11,000 Californians were killed during the
liberation, and many more have been maimed and orphaned. Likewise, the
ammunition used by Sedna’s "liberation forces" has, according to some
health officials, resulted in a surge in birth defects being reported by
Los Angeles and San Diego hospitals. Officials also report high levels
of radiation in southern California -- a charge Sednan officials flatly
deny.
"We think its worth it," said one of Sedna’s soldiers currently
occupying San Francisco. "When we got here, people were locked away in
prisons, children were living in poverty and disease was rampant. What
kind of superior beings would we be if we didn’t intervene?"
"We have an obligation to work toward a more free world. That's our
obligation. That's what we have been called to do, as far as I'm
concerned," Commander Voltek recently announced during a Sednan press
conference, echoing many of his pre-invasion assertions. "See, free
planets are peaceful planets. Free planets don't attack each other. Free
planets don't develop weapons of mass destruction," Voltek said last
year, before adding billions to Sedna’s military budget.
Currently, however, reports of Californians rising up against the
occupation have been mounting and attacks against occupation forces have
increased tenfold in recent weeks. "We are determined to crush the
rebellion and insure that Californians live freely," provisional
overlord Paul L. Gleebot responded. "We are going to fight them and
impose our will on them, and we will capture or... kill them until we
have imposed law and order on this state."
Polls show that only 2% of Californians believe that Sedna wants to
liberate them -- particularly in the wake of photos showing occupying
forces placing electrodes on Harvey Keitel’s and other Hollywood stars’
genitals. And despite frequent pledges to cure all human disease, some
photos show gleeful aliens, giving the thumbs up sign, while injecting
people with the viruses they promised to eradicate.
In the aftermath, anti-Sedna sentiment has spread across the United
States, and Californians and Americans everywhere are vowing to fight
the alien occupation and prevent it from spreading.
Many Sednan residents, however, believe hard-line tactics against
Earthlings are warranted. "There are people in California who would like
to see us dead," one unnamed Sednan resident said. "In our world, that
is more important than any reports of torture against Earthlings. We
cannot go soft now."
Sedna’s liberal media also reportedly televised old footage from the
original Star Trek series, showing "connections" between Californians
and Klingons.
Other Sednans, referring to Earthlings as "brutes," "savages" and
"barbarians" stand behind their leader. "The way these Californians are
behaving in the wake of their liberation only proves that they are
dangerous. Why are these earthlings so outraged? Why aren’t they upset
over images of Californians hurting the Sednan troops that only came to
help?"
Though Sedna is in the process of building 14 military bases in
California, Sednan officials deny any desire to control the natural
resources of any of their new colonies, charging that such "anti-Sednian
conspiracy theories" only give aid and comfort to their enemies.
Meanwhile a Web site for the Project for a New Sednan Century revealed
that the plan to invade California has been in the works since 1997, as
have plans to eventually invade 7 more states, including Texas and Florida.
"Democratic states do not wage war against other democratic states. And
a secure and free Florida is an historic opportunity that will lead to a
free United States and, in time, a free Earth," Voltek promised,
referring to the next phase in Sedna’s increasingly bloody battle for
world peace.
In time, all American will be grateful to Sedna, officials promised.
But as reports of Sednan officials abusing Californians continue to
surface, the likelihood of any Americans embracing occupation seems
increasingly less likely.
For the most part, residents of the 10th planet remain unmoved. "A few
Californians have been humiliated (poor babies), and Americans are
outraged?" an unidentified Sednan soldier wrote in a letter published in
the newly revamped Los Angeles Times. "We are at war. We do not want our
leader to apologize for anything."
* * *
*This fictional news release was inspired by an e-mail making the rounds.
July 6, 2004
Newly Discovered 10th Planet Invades California
by Maureen Farrell
Los Angeles, CA -- In response to fears that California (a state
approximately the size of Iraq) might launch weapons of mass destruction
into outer space, the newly discovered 10th planet Sedna has invaded and
occupied the state, promising to liberate its citizens and improve their
way of life.
"We had credible intelligence that said that California possessed and
was planning to use WMD against us" said Sedna’s leader, Commander G.W.
Voltak, during an interplanetary news conference. "Were we supposed to
wait for the final threat, which come in the form of a mushroom cloud?"
Before the invasion, Sedna’s Air Force dropped leaflets throughout the
state, promising that their only concern was liberating Californians
from poverty, disease and that scary guy from the Terminator movies.
"Have you seen the way those people lived?" one of Sedna’s Senators
asked. "Once they understand what we offer -- a life free of poverty,
disease and turmoil -- they’ll welcome us as liberators."
Regrettably, approximately 11,000 Californians were killed during the
liberation, and many more have been maimed and orphaned. Likewise, the
ammunition used by Sedna’s "liberation forces" has, according to some
health officials, resulted in a surge in birth defects being reported by
Los Angeles and San Diego hospitals. Officials also report high levels
of radiation in southern California -- a charge Sednan officials flatly
deny.
"We think its worth it," said one of Sedna’s soldiers currently
occupying San Francisco. "When we got here, people were locked away in
prisons, children were living in poverty and disease was rampant. What
kind of superior beings would we be if we didn’t intervene?"
"We have an obligation to work toward a more free world. That's our
obligation. That's what we have been called to do, as far as I'm
concerned," Commander Voltek recently announced during a Sednan press
conference, echoing many of his pre-invasion assertions. "See, free
planets are peaceful planets. Free planets don't attack each other. Free
planets don't develop weapons of mass destruction," Voltek said last
year, before adding billions to Sedna’s military budget.
Currently, however, reports of Californians rising up against the
occupation have been mounting and attacks against occupation forces have
increased tenfold in recent weeks. "We are determined to crush the
rebellion and insure that Californians live freely," provisional
overlord Paul L. Gleebot responded. "We are going to fight them and
impose our will on them, and we will capture or... kill them until we
have imposed law and order on this state."
Polls show that only 2% of Californians believe that Sedna wants to
liberate them -- particularly in the wake of photos showing occupying
forces placing electrodes on Harvey Keitel’s and other Hollywood stars’
genitals. And despite frequent pledges to cure all human disease, some
photos show gleeful aliens, giving the thumbs up sign, while injecting
people with the viruses they promised to eradicate.
In the aftermath, anti-Sedna sentiment has spread across the United
States, and Californians and Americans everywhere are vowing to fight
the alien occupation and prevent it from spreading.
Many Sednan residents, however, believe hard-line tactics against
Earthlings are warranted. "There are people in California who would like
to see us dead," one unnamed Sednan resident said. "In our world, that
is more important than any reports of torture against Earthlings. We
cannot go soft now."
Sedna’s liberal media also reportedly televised old footage from the
original Star Trek series, showing "connections" between Californians
and Klingons.
Other Sednans, referring to Earthlings as "brutes," "savages" and
"barbarians" stand behind their leader. "The way these Californians are
behaving in the wake of their liberation only proves that they are
dangerous. Why are these earthlings so outraged? Why aren’t they upset
over images of Californians hurting the Sednan troops that only came to
help?"
Though Sedna is in the process of building 14 military bases in
California, Sednan officials deny any desire to control the natural
resources of any of their new colonies, charging that such "anti-Sednian
conspiracy theories" only give aid and comfort to their enemies.
Meanwhile a Web site for the Project for a New Sednan Century revealed
that the plan to invade California has been in the works since 1997, as
have plans to eventually invade 7 more states, including Texas and Florida.
"Democratic states do not wage war against other democratic states. And
a secure and free Florida is an historic opportunity that will lead to a
free United States and, in time, a free Earth," Voltek promised,
referring to the next phase in Sedna’s increasingly bloody battle for
world peace.
In time, all American will be grateful to Sedna, officials promised.
But as reports of Sednan officials abusing Californians continue to
surface, the likelihood of any Americans embracing occupation seems
increasingly less likely.
For the most part, residents of the 10th planet remain unmoved. "A few
Californians have been humiliated (poor babies), and Americans are
outraged?" an unidentified Sednan soldier wrote in a letter published in
the newly revamped Los Angeles Times. "We are at war. We do not want our
leader to apologize for anything."
* * *
