LilMtnCbn
06-27-2004, 08:16 AM
http://straitstimes.asia1.com.sg/geny/story/0,4386,258532,00.html
'Mum, why don't I look like you and dad?'
Learning the truth may be painful for children who have been adopted, but it is
better to tell, one expert says - when the timing is right
By Wu Peining
WHEN Sebastian was nine, a relative dropped a bombshell - she told the boy that
he was an adopted child.
'When I told him, his face just fell.' Madam Shakila T.D. Sakkarwarthi,
recalling the day she told Sebastian (above) that he was adopted. -- WANG HUI
FEN
When Sebastian Roy Manohar, now 12, asked his mother about it, she told him no,
he was not adopted. He was not entirely convinced, but did not press her
further.
He found out the truth only when he got into trouble in school, and the
teachers who called his mother in advised her to tell him.
Madam Shakila T.D. Sakkarwarthi, 48, a housewife, said: 'When I told him, his
face just fell.'
Sebastian, who is in Primary 6 this year, speaks passionately about football,
especially Portugal, his favourite Euro 2004 team. But ask him about being
adopted, and he speaks in monosyllables.
'Nothing' is his favourite answer.
Children and teens who are adopted face some painful issues when they find out.
Self-doubt and animosity targeted at their adoptive parents can surface,
especially if the timing is not right.
Ms Carol Balhetchet, director of youth development at the Singapore Children's
Society, said that such situations should be handled with egg-shell delicacy.
'The issue here is when to tell the child,' she said. 'Sometimes, the parents
pick the time when the child is behaving badly to tell them the truth. The
timing, combined with the stress faced during the teen years, results in an
explosive situation.'
She said that most teens have to deal with stress in school, in their social
lives and in other areas of their lives. But some parents think these problems
arise because the children are adopted.
In her work with youths, she has had adopted teens come to her for counselling,
filled with emotional anguish. Doubts about their parents' love for them flood
their minds, and many even harbour deep resentment towards their parents.
'We try to reason with them: If your parents didn't love you, why would there
be a need for secrecy?' she said.
'What they need is a reality check, because parents don't always know when is a
good time to tell their kids they are adopted.'
Most adoptive parents have no choice but to reveal their status, painful as it
may be, said Dr Brian Yeo, a child psychiatrist at Mount Elizabeth Medical
Centre.
He said: 'Generally, by the time the child becomes a teen, you have no choice
but to reveal. First, there is the issue of birth certificates and identity
cards.
'Secondly, you don't want some other relatives to reveal it to them - it's
better to hear it from the parent.'
An adoptive parent, who only wanted to be known as Mr Bala, will take Dr Yeo's
advice.
He and his wife intend to tell their adopted one-year-old, Gidean, about his
parentage when he hits his teenage years.
'If he's capable of analysing - able to tell right from wrong - we'll tell him
when he's around 16 or 17. That's when he's mature enough to face reality,'
said Mr Bala. 'Even if he doesn't react well, it's my responsibility to let him
know the truth.'
-------------------------
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!"
-----Unknown
'Mum, why don't I look like you and dad?'
Learning the truth may be painful for children who have been adopted, but it is
better to tell, one expert says - when the timing is right
By Wu Peining
WHEN Sebastian was nine, a relative dropped a bombshell - she told the boy that
he was an adopted child.
'When I told him, his face just fell.' Madam Shakila T.D. Sakkarwarthi,
recalling the day she told Sebastian (above) that he was adopted. -- WANG HUI
FEN
When Sebastian Roy Manohar, now 12, asked his mother about it, she told him no,
he was not adopted. He was not entirely convinced, but did not press her
further.
He found out the truth only when he got into trouble in school, and the
teachers who called his mother in advised her to tell him.
Madam Shakila T.D. Sakkarwarthi, 48, a housewife, said: 'When I told him, his
face just fell.'
Sebastian, who is in Primary 6 this year, speaks passionately about football,
especially Portugal, his favourite Euro 2004 team. But ask him about being
adopted, and he speaks in monosyllables.
'Nothing' is his favourite answer.
Children and teens who are adopted face some painful issues when they find out.
Self-doubt and animosity targeted at their adoptive parents can surface,
especially if the timing is not right.
Ms Carol Balhetchet, director of youth development at the Singapore Children's
Society, said that such situations should be handled with egg-shell delicacy.
'The issue here is when to tell the child,' she said. 'Sometimes, the parents
pick the time when the child is behaving badly to tell them the truth. The
timing, combined with the stress faced during the teen years, results in an
explosive situation.'
She said that most teens have to deal with stress in school, in their social
lives and in other areas of their lives. But some parents think these problems
arise because the children are adopted.
In her work with youths, she has had adopted teens come to her for counselling,
filled with emotional anguish. Doubts about their parents' love for them flood
their minds, and many even harbour deep resentment towards their parents.
'We try to reason with them: If your parents didn't love you, why would there
be a need for secrecy?' she said.
'What they need is a reality check, because parents don't always know when is a
good time to tell their kids they are adopted.'
Most adoptive parents have no choice but to reveal their status, painful as it
may be, said Dr Brian Yeo, a child psychiatrist at Mount Elizabeth Medical
Centre.
He said: 'Generally, by the time the child becomes a teen, you have no choice
but to reveal. First, there is the issue of birth certificates and identity
cards.
'Secondly, you don't want some other relatives to reveal it to them - it's
better to hear it from the parent.'
An adoptive parent, who only wanted to be known as Mr Bala, will take Dr Yeo's
advice.
He and his wife intend to tell their adopted one-year-old, Gidean, about his
parentage when he hits his teenage years.
'If he's capable of analysing - able to tell right from wrong - we'll tell him
when he's around 16 or 17. That's when he's mature enough to face reality,'
said Mr Bala. 'Even if he doesn't react well, it's my responsibility to let him
know the truth.'
-------------------------
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!"
-----Unknown
