http://www.koreaherald.co.kr/SITE/data/html_dir/2004/05/25/200405250001.asp

Birth mother issues


Dear Annie: My husband and I adopted a newborn baby boy through an open
adoption two years ago and have maintained contact with the birth mother ever
since. "Gloria" asks to see our child once every six to eight weeks, and we
always have complied by having her come over to our house or meeting in a
public place.

Recently, Gloria has been asking us to drop off the baby at her place for a few
hours so they can visit alone. My gut tells me not to do this. Since giving up
this child, Gloria has discovered that she cannot have any more children. How
do I know she won't decide she's made a mistake and flee the country with our
baby?

The final adoption papers say nothing about letting Gloria see the child, but
we would like to allow her to maintain contact. I know if I refuse to let her
see the baby alone, she will be angry and not understand why we don't trust her
to have an unsupervised visit. So far, I have been able to come up with
plausible excuses every time she's asked, but I won't be able to do it forever.
What should I tell her? -- Adoptive Mom in the South

Dear Mom: Trust your gut. You should not encourage a closer relationship
between Gloria and the baby. Your child needs to know that you are his mother,
and we sense that Gloria would like to confuse the issue. It also does Gloria
no good to form too close an attachment to a child that is not hers to raise.

Tell Gloria that you understand her desire to spend more time with the baby but
you would prefer that visits take place when you are present. Don't let her
guilt you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable. You are the
mother. You are responsible for making these decisions until your son is old
enough to do so.




-------------------------
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!"
-----Unknown

>Subject: Birth mother issuesFrom: lilmtncbn@aol.comnospam (LilMtnCbn)Date: 5/24/04 5:42 AM Pacific Daylight TimeMessage-id: <20040524084240.28864.00002060@mb-m05.aol.com>http://www.koreaherald.co.kr/SITE/data/html_dir/2004/05/25/200405250001.aspBirth mother issuesDear Annie: My husband and I adopted a newborn baby boy through an openadoption two years ago and have maintained contact with the birth mother eversince. "Gloria" asks to see our child once every six to eight weeks, and wealways have complied by having her come over to our house or meeting in apublic place.Recently, Gloria has been asking us to drop off the baby at her place for afewhours so they can visit alone. My gut tells me not to do this. Since givingupthis child, Gloria has discovered that she cannot have any more children. Howdo I know she won't decide she's made a mistake and flee the country with ourbaby?The final adoption papers say nothing about letting Gloria see the child, butwe would like to allow her to maintain contact. I know if I refuse to let hersee the baby alone, she will be angry and not understand why we don't trustherto have an unsupervised visit. So far, I have been able to come up withplausible excuses every time she's asked, but I won't be able to do itforever.What should I tell her? -- Adoptive Mom in the SouthDear Mom: Trust your gut. You should not encourage a closer relationshipbetween Gloria and the baby. Your child needs to know that you are hismother,and we sense that Gloria would like to confuse the issue. It also does Gloriano good to form too close an attachment to a child that is not hers to raise.Tell Gloria that you understand her desire to spend more time with the babybutyou would prefer that visits take place when you are present. Don't let herguilt you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable. You are themother. You are responsible for making these decisions until your son is oldenough to do so.

It seems pretty simple to me that the adoptive parents need to be present for
all visits, at least for now, but I am more disturbed by Annie's reply than
anything else. Apparently she believes that the child's mother, Gloria, was an
incubator and has served her purpose, now time to straighten her out and let
her know who the real mother is. Ack.


Kathy

>Subject: Birth mother issuesFrom: lilmtncbn@aol.comnospam (LilMtnCbn)Date: 5/24/04 5:42 AM Pacific Daylight TimeMessage-id: <20040524084240.28864.00002060@mb-m05.aol.com>http://www.koreaherald.co.kr/SITE/data/html_dir/2004/05/25/200405250001.aspBirth mother issuesDear Annie: My husband and I adopted a newborn baby boy through an openadoption two years ago and have maintained contact with the birth mother eversince. "Gloria" asks to see our child once every six to eight weeks, and wealways have complied by having her come over to our house or meeting in apublic place.Recently, Gloria has been asking us to drop off the baby at her place for afewhours so they can visit alone. My gut tells me not to do this. Since givingupthis child, Gloria has discovered that she cannot have any more children. Howdo I know she won't decide she's made a mistake and flee the country with ourbaby?The final adoption papers say nothing about letting Gloria see the child, butwe would like to allow her to maintain contact. I know if I refuse to let hersee the baby alone, she will be angry and not understand why we don't trustherto have an unsupervised visit. So far, I have been able to come up withplausible excuses every time she's asked, but I won't be able to do itforever.What should I tell her? -- Adoptive Mom in the SouthDear Mom: Trust your gut. You should not encourage a closer relationshipbetween Gloria and the baby. Your child needs to know that you are hismother,and we sense that Gloria would like to confuse the issue. It also does Gloriano good to form too close an attachment to a child that is not hers to raise.Tell Gloria that you understand her desire to spend more time with the babybutyou would prefer that visits take place when you are present. Don't let herguilt you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable. You are themother. You are responsible for making these decisions until your son is oldenough to do so.

It seems pretty simple to me that the adoptive parents need to be present for
all visits, at least for now, but I am more disturbed by Annie's reply than
anything else. Apparently she believes that the child's mother, Gloria, was an
incubator and has served her purpose, now time to straighten her out and let
her know who the real mother is. Ack.


Kathy

meagan787@aol.comsthesun (Kathy ) wrote in message news:<20040524163449.09674.00001976@mb-m02.aol.com>...Subject: Birth mother issuesFrom: lilmtncbn@aol.comnospam (LilMtnCbn)Date: 5/24/04 5:42 AM Pacific Daylight TimeMessage-id: <20040524084240.28864.00002060@mb-m05.aol.com>http://www.koreaherald.co.kr/SITE/data/html_dir/2004/05/25/200405250001.aspBirth mother issuesDear Annie: My husband and I adopted a newborn baby boy through an openadoption two years ago and have maintained contact with the birth mother eversince. "Gloria" asks to see our child once every six to eight weeks, and wealways have complied by having her come over to our house or meeting in apublic place.Recently, Gloria has been asking us to drop off the baby at her place for afewhours so they can visit alone. My gut tells me not to do this. Since givingupthis child, Gloria has discovered that she cannot have any more children. Howdo I know she won't decide she's made a mistake and flee the country with ourbaby?The final adoption papers say nothing about letting Gloria see the child, butwe would like to allow her to maintain contact. I know if I refuse to let hersee the baby alone, she will be angry and not understand why we don't trustherto have an unsupervised visit. So far, I have been able to come up withplausible excuses every time she's asked, but I won't be able to do itforever.What should I tell her? -- Adoptive Mom in the SouthDear Mom: Trust your gut. You should not encourage a closer relationshipbetween Gloria and the baby. Your child needs to know that you are hismother,and we sense that Gloria would like to confuse the issue. It also does Gloriano good to form too close an attachment to a child that is not hers to raise.Tell Gloria that you understand her desire to spend more time with the babybutyou would prefer that visits take place when you are present. Don't let herguilt you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable. You are themother. You are responsible for making these decisions until your son is oldenough to do so. It seems pretty simple to me that the adoptive parents need to be present for all visits, at least for now, but I am more disturbed by Annie's reply than anything else. Apparently she believes that the child's mother, Gloria, was an incubator and has served her purpose, now time to straighten her out and let her know who the real mother is. Ack. Kathy


You sound surprised for some reason. Where have you been for the past 40 years?

meagan787@aol.comsthesun (Kathy ) wrote in message news:<20040524163449.09674.00001976@mb-m02.aol.com>...Subject: Birth mother issuesFrom: lilmtncbn@aol.comnospam (LilMtnCbn)Date: 5/24/04 5:42 AM Pacific Daylight TimeMessage-id: <20040524084240.28864.00002060@mb-m05.aol.com>http://www.koreaherald.co.kr/SITE/data/html_dir/2004/05/25/200405250001.aspBirth mother issuesDear Annie: My husband and I adopted a newborn baby boy through an openadoption two years ago and have maintained contact with the birth mother eversince. "Gloria" asks to see our child once every six to eight weeks, and wealways have complied by having her come over to our house or meeting in apublic place.Recently, Gloria has been asking us to drop off the baby at her place for afewhours so they can visit alone. My gut tells me not to do this. Since givingupthis child, Gloria has discovered that she cannot have any more children. Howdo I know she won't decide she's made a mistake and flee the country with ourbaby?The final adoption papers say nothing about letting Gloria see the child, butwe would like to allow her to maintain contact. I know if I refuse to let hersee the baby alone, she will be angry and not understand why we don't trustherto have an unsupervised visit. So far, I have been able to come up withplausible excuses every time she's asked, but I won't be able to do itforever.What should I tell her? -- Adoptive Mom in the SouthDear Mom: Trust your gut. You should not encourage a closer relationshipbetween Gloria and the baby. Your child needs to know that you are hismother,and we sense that Gloria would like to confuse the issue. It also does Gloriano good to form too close an attachment to a child that is not hers to raise.Tell Gloria that you understand her desire to spend more time with the babybutyou would prefer that visits take place when you are present. Don't let herguilt you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable. You are themother. You are responsible for making these decisions until your son is oldenough to do so. It seems pretty simple to me that the adoptive parents need to be present for all visits, at least for now, but I am more disturbed by Annie's reply than anything else. Apparently she believes that the child's mother, Gloria, was an incubator and has served her purpose, now time to straighten her out and let her know who the real mother is. Ack. Kathy


You sound surprised for some reason. Where have you been for the past 40 years?

>Subject: Re: Birth mother issuesFrom: patrice068@optusnet.com.au (Dian)Date: 5/24/04 9:36 PM Pacific Daylight TimeMessage-id: <9a095db9.0405242036.4d84a85a@posting.google.com>meagan787@aol.comsthesun (Kathy ) wrote in messagenews:<20040524163449.09674.00001976@mb-m02.aol.com>...Subject: Birth mother issuesFrom: lilmtncbn@aol.comnospam (LilMtnCbn)Date: 5/24/04 5:42 AM Pacific Daylight TimeMessage-id: <20040524084240.28864.00002060@mb-m05.aol.com>http://www.koreaherald.co.kr/SITE/data/html_dir/2004/05/25/200405250001.aspBirth mother issuesDear Annie: My husband and I adopted a newborn baby boy through an openadoption two years ago and have maintained contact with the birth mothereversince. "Gloria" asks to see our child once every six to eight weeks, andwealways have complied by having her come over to our house or meeting in apublic place.Recently, Gloria has been asking us to drop off the baby at her place forafewhours so they can visit alone. My gut tells me not to do this. Sincegivingupthis child, Gloria has discovered that she cannot have any more children.Howdo I know she won't decide she's made a mistake and flee the country withourbaby?The final adoption papers say nothing about letting Gloria see the child,butwe would like to allow her to maintain contact. I know if I refuse to lethersee the baby alone, she will be angry and not understand why we don'ttrustherto have an unsupervised visit. So far, I have been able to come up withplausible excuses every time she's asked, but I won't be able to do itforever.What should I tell her? -- Adoptive Mom in the SouthDear Mom: Trust your gut. You should not encourage a closer relationshipbetween Gloria and the baby. Your child needs to know that you are hismother,and we sense that Gloria would like to confuse the issue. It also doesGloriano good to form too close an attachment to a child that is not hers toraise.Tell Gloria that you understand her desire to spend more time with thebabybutyou would prefer that visits take place when you are present. Don't letherguilt you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable. You are themother. You are responsible for making these decisions until your son isoldenough to do so. It seems pretty simple to me that the adoptive parents need to be presentfor all visits, at least for now, but I am more disturbed by Annie's replythan anything else. Apparently she believes that the child's mother, Gloria, wasan incubator and has served her purpose, now time to straighten her out andlet her know who the real mother is. Ack.

Di frothes:
You sound surprised for some reason. Where have you been for the past 40years?


And you sound as usual, disingenious as ever.
Kathy

>Subject: Re: Birth mother issuesFrom: patrice068@optusnet.com.au (Dian)Date: 5/24/04 9:36 PM Pacific Daylight TimeMessage-id: <9a095db9.0405242036.4d84a85a@posting.google.com>meagan787@aol.comsthesun (Kathy ) wrote in messagenews:<20040524163449.09674.00001976@mb-m02.aol.com>...Subject: Birth mother issuesFrom: lilmtncbn@aol.comnospam (LilMtnCbn)Date: 5/24/04 5:42 AM Pacific Daylight TimeMessage-id: <20040524084240.28864.00002060@mb-m05.aol.com>http://www.koreaherald.co.kr/SITE/data/html_dir/2004/05/25/200405250001.aspBirth mother issuesDear Annie: My husband and I adopted a newborn baby boy through an openadoption two years ago and have maintained contact with the birth mothereversince. "Gloria" asks to see our child once every six to eight weeks, andwealways have complied by having her come over to our house or meeting in apublic place.Recently, Gloria has been asking us to drop off the baby at her place forafewhours so they can visit alone. My gut tells me not to do this. Sincegivingupthis child, Gloria has discovered that she cannot have any more children.Howdo I know she won't decide she's made a mistake and flee the country withourbaby?The final adoption papers say nothing about letting Gloria see the child,butwe would like to allow her to maintain contact. I know if I refuse to lethersee the baby alone, she will be angry and not understand why we don'ttrustherto have an unsupervised visit. So far, I have been able to come up withplausible excuses every time she's asked, but I won't be able to do itforever.What should I tell her? -- Adoptive Mom in the SouthDear Mom: Trust your gut. You should not encourage a closer relationshipbetween Gloria and the baby. Your child needs to know that you are hismother,and we sense that Gloria would like to confuse the issue. It also doesGloriano good to form too close an attachment to a child that is not hers toraise.Tell Gloria that you understand her desire to spend more time with thebabybutyou would prefer that visits take place when you are present. Don't letherguilt you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable. You are themother. You are responsible for making these decisions until your son isoldenough to do so. It seems pretty simple to me that the adoptive parents need to be presentfor all visits, at least for now, but I am more disturbed by Annie's replythan anything else. Apparently she believes that the child's mother, Gloria, wasan incubator and has served her purpose, now time to straighten her out andlet her know who the real mother is. Ack.

Di frothes:
You sound surprised for some reason. Where have you been for the past 40years?


And you sound as usual, disingenious as ever.
Kathy

LilMtnCbn wrote:
http://www.koreaherald.co.kr/SITE/data/html_dir/2004/05/25/200405250001.asp Birth mother issues Dear Annie: My husband and I adopted a newborn baby boy through an open adoption two years ago and have maintained contact with the birth mother ever since. "Gloria" asks to see our child once every six to eight weeks, and we always have complied by having her come over to our house or meeting in a public place. Recently, Gloria has been asking us to drop off the baby at her place for a few hours so they can visit alone. My gut tells me not to do this. Since giving up this child, Gloria has discovered that she cannot have any more children. How do I know she won't decide she's made a mistake and flee the country with our baby? The final adoption papers say nothing about letting Gloria see the child, but we would like to allow her to maintain contact. I know if I refuse to let her see the baby alone, she will be angry and not understand why we don't trust her to have an unsupervised visit. So far, I have been able to come up with plausible excuses every time she's asked, but I won't be able to do it forever. What should I tell her? -- Adoptive Mom in the South Dear Mom: Trust your gut. You should not encourage a closer relationship between Gloria and the baby. Your child needs to know that you are his mother, and we sense that Gloria would like to confuse the issue. It also does Gloria no good to form too close an attachment to a child that is not hers to raise. Tell Gloria that you understand her desire to spend more time with the baby but you would prefer that visits take place when you are present. Don't let her guilt you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable. You are the mother. You are responsible for making these decisions until your son is old enough to do so. ------------------------- A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!" -----Unknown
I agree that you should not allow unsupervised visits with your child.
The agreement was not to have two moms. Whether or not she can have
more children is not your concern. She made her choice, and I feel that
the more unsupervised visits she has with the child, the more danger
the child in in. If not physically, then most definitely emotionally.
You need to discuss with Gloria the damage and confusion that could be
associated with the conflict of having two mothers.

What happens when the child grows and is looking dor consent to do
something. You may feel it is too dangerous, but Gloria may not. Are
you going to have run your life by consulting her for every detail? I'm
not sure if it is an option for you, but you may want to consider
relocating your FAMILY to somewhere not so convenient. You know Gloria,
I so not. I don't have any idea what she is capable of, but you have to
trust your gut. If something were to happen, it would be too late for
if only's.

I can understand where Gloria is coming from, I am a birth mother. In
canada, and adoption is not final 4 six months. The beginning of the
sixth month, I was feeling desperate, so heres what I did. I left the
city. I made my decision, why should my child suffer being torn from
his parents because I was unhappy. Gloria needs to step up and be the
good mother she started out as. She needs to realize that she did what
was best for her baby, and trust you to do the same.

I truly hope this all works out you. And congratulations.

Annie

LilMtnCbn wrote:
http://www.koreaherald.co.kr/SITE/data/html_dir/2004/05/25/200405250001.asp Birth mother issues Dear Annie: My husband and I adopted a newborn baby boy through an open adoption two years ago and have maintained contact with the birth mother ever since. "Gloria" asks to see our child once every six to eight weeks, and we always have complied by having her come over to our house or meeting in a public place. Recently, Gloria has been asking us to drop off the baby at her place for a few hours so they can visit alone. My gut tells me not to do this. Since giving up this child, Gloria has discovered that she cannot have any more children. How do I know she won't decide she's made a mistake and flee the country with our baby? The final adoption papers say nothing about letting Gloria see the child, but we would like to allow her to maintain contact. I know if I refuse to let her see the baby alone, she will be angry and not understand why we don't trust her to have an unsupervised visit. So far, I have been able to come up with plausible excuses every time she's asked, but I won't be able to do it forever. What should I tell her? -- Adoptive Mom in the South Dear Mom: Trust your gut. You should not encourage a closer relationship between Gloria and the baby. Your child needs to know that you are his mother, and we sense that Gloria would like to confuse the issue. It also does Gloria no good to form too close an attachment to a child that is not hers to raise. Tell Gloria that you understand her desire to spend more time with the baby but you would prefer that visits take place when you are present. Don't let her guilt you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable. You are the mother. You are responsible for making these decisions until your son is old enough to do so. ------------------------- A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!" -----Unknown
I agree that you should not allow unsupervised visits with your child.
The agreement was not to have two moms. Whether or not she can have
more children is not your concern. She made her choice, and I feel that
the more unsupervised visits she has with the child, the more danger
the child in in. If not physically, then most definitely emotionally.
You need to discuss with Gloria the damage and confusion that could be
associated with the conflict of having two mothers.

What happens when the child grows and is looking dor consent to do
something. You may feel it is too dangerous, but Gloria may not. Are
you going to have run your life by consulting her for every detail? I'm
not sure if it is an option for you, but you may want to consider
relocating your FAMILY to somewhere not so convenient. You know Gloria,
I so not. I don't have any idea what she is capable of, but you have to
trust your gut. If something were to happen, it would be too late for
if only's.

I can understand where Gloria is coming from, I am a birth mother. In
canada, and adoption is not final 4 six months. The beginning of the
sixth month, I was feeling desperate, so heres what I did. I left the
city. I made my decision, why should my child suffer being torn from
his parents because I was unhappy. Gloria needs to step up and be the
good mother she started out as. She needs to realize that she did what
was best for her baby, and trust you to do the same.

I truly hope this all works out you. And congratulations.

Annie