LilMtnCbn
05-06-2004, 09:52 AM
http://www.vaildaily.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20040505/NEWS/10505000
7&rs=2
Ties that bind
Julie Imada-Howard
May 5, 2004
Eagle resident Julie Thurston heard her birth mother's voice for the first time
on Nov. 18. The moment was 34 years in the making.
Thurston, who was adopted when she was seven days old by Virgil and Donna Mock
of Wolcott, always had questions. She was one of eight children growing up in
the Mock family. Two were the biological children of the Mocks and six were
adopted. Thurston understood that finding her birth mother might not be the
experience she envisioned.
Last year, with the support of her adoptive family and her husband Glenn, she
overcame her hesitation and began searching for her birth mother.
She turned to Colorado Confidential Intermediary Services, a state program
designed to help willing adoptees and birth mothers find each other. Thurston
finally had the chance to find the answers to her questions. Did she look like
her birth mother? Why was she given up for adoption? Did her birth mother ever
think about her during all of the years that had passed?
'Best case scenario'
Thurston's previous attempts to find out about her adoption had not been
successful.
She was born at Fort Carson Army Base. As with most adoptions, her adoption
information was confidential. The courts would not release the information she
requested. However, they would allow the intermediary program to access the
files.
For a $600 fee, volunteer intermediaries research adoption records in an effort
to locate birth mothers or adoptees. The intermediaries are allowed to approach
the birth mother to ask if they want contact with the adoptee. If the birth
mother, or in some cases, the adoptee, declines, the case is resealed.
Joanne Shideler of Colorado Springs was the intermediary assigned to Thurston -
and she was luckier than most adoptees. Shideler located Thurston's birth
mother in a month. The birth mom, Patricia Arnette, now living in Georgia, was
immediately open to contact. Like Thurston, she had been waiting 34 years.
"Julie was a best case scenario in terms of how quickly and open her birth
mother and her adoptive parents have been," said Shideler, who is herself a
birth mother to an adoptee.
Armed with a large pillow, a box of tissues and Arnette's phone number,
Thurston prepared to call the woman who had given her up for adoption so many
years ago. She dialed the phone twice, hanging up both times before she could
complete the number. Thurston didn't know how to begin the conversation.
"I've been to college and feel I am pretty well spoken... But this was totally
new and I was completely unprepared," recalled Thurston.
On the third try, Arnette answered and Thurston cried while Arnette began
filling in the blanks.
Guilt and depression
Arnette was a 19-year-old college student when she became pregnant with
Thurston. The birth father had moved on. Arnette dropped out of school. Shortly
thereafter, she met her future husband, Horace, who had just returned from
Vietnam.
Having survived the war, Horace was ready to proceed with his life. He asked
her to marry him, then set Arnette up in an apartment and supported her
financially and emotionally as they waited out the pregnancy.
Although she was married to Horace by the time her daughter was born, Arnette
was ashamed of her situation. She decided to put the baby up for adoption. The
only member of Arnette's family who knew of the child was her sister, and years
later, her own parents passed away never knowing the truth.
"She felt maybe she'd forget if she put me up for adoption, that it would help
with the guilt," Thurston said.
It didn't. Arnette spent the next 34 years living with guilt and depression.
Two years after the adoption, she put her name in a database designed to match
adoptees with birth parents. Horace also tried to locate Thurston, hoping to
ease his wife's depression. The effort failed.
The first call between Thurston and Arnette lasted two hours.
"We went through two cell phone batteries. Mine went dead and then hers,"
Thurston said.
Arnette asked to meet Thurston face to face. Thurston also learned she had
another sister and brother.
Thurston was, initially, hesitant. She thought she needed more time to adjust
to the situation. Her husband Glenn, while very supportive, was also concerned
with protecting his wife in the event things did not work out. Her adoptive
parents encouraged Thurston to meet her birth mother as soon as possible.
Another influence in her decision came from her experience with her own
children, son Cody, 8, and daughter Alix, 5. As a mother, Thurston thought
about how hard it must have been for her birth mother to watch years to go by
without knowing what her child looked like or if she was happy.
Thurston agreed to meet Arnette in December.
Reuniting a family
The first sign that things had changed forever was the arrival of the greeting
cards.
Arnette, who has a large extended family, organized a "card shower" for
Thurston. Arnette's relatives and close family friends inundated Thurston with
cards and pictures. In all, she received about 70 cards, photographs and
handwritten notes.
While waiting for the day of the reunion to arrive, Thurston prepared her
children and herself. Thurston's children purchased Christmas gifts for Arnette
and were excited to meet their newly discovered grandmother, as was the rest of
Thurston's family.
"I didn't think the kids would be able to grasp the concept (of Arnette's
relationship) as well as they did," said Thurston.
The Mocks had diligently kept a scrapbook of Thurston's milestones as a baby
and a child, which Thurston planned to share with Arnette. Thurston also put
together a scrapbook about her life as an adult including high school pictures,
her wedding and the birth of her children. She hoped that Arnette's heart would
be healed by seeing the happy and loving home Thurston had grown up in.
On Dec. 11, Arnette and Horace flew to Eagle from Hiram, Ga. for a weekend
visit. When the two women saw each other for the first time they were
overwhelmed with emotion. Neither woman cried, having both shed many tears over
the previous month. They had spoken often since their first conversation and
had already shared many of their feelings about the adoption.
Even so, it was a difficult moment.
"I was really sensitive to the fact that she had suffered. I feel like I have a
wonderful life with my adoptive parents," said Thurston. "It was awkward for
me. To her I'm not just another person. I thought it would be easier."
Arnette was overjoyed to meet her grandchildren, and was touched by their
efforts to include her in the family. She too had put together a scrapbook of
her life and family. Both women took photographs, searching for similarities.
They compared height, the size of their hands, their smiles.
The weekend reunion went quickly. Mother and daughter were left figuring out
how to continue developing their relationship.
Baby steps
For the time being, Thurston and Arnette are taking their relationship slowly.
Thurston is figuring out how to assimilate the new relationship with Arnette
into her life. The bonding process has been slower than she expected, but it
has also been an interesting learning experience.
Since their first meeting, the women have spent a lot of time e-mailing and
calling each other. Arnette's willingness to give Thurston the time and space
she needs to deal with her feelings has been one of the keys to their progress.
"We have been very honest with each other. She has been very respectful of my
fears of moving too fast. We are working through this as we go along. I feel so
lucky to have a birth mother so anxious to have a normal, loving relationship
with me," said Thurston
They have also made plans to meet again.
In August, Thurston is planning to attend Arnette's family reunion in West
Virginia with her adoptive mother Donna and a sister. She is looking forward to
meeting more of Arnette's relatives and to seeing Arnette again.
"It would be a waste not to have a relationship with her. It's an important
part of me and its important to my children," said Thurston, "We have missed 34
years and now we have to make up for it."
-------------------------
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!"
-----Unknown
7&rs=2
Ties that bind
Julie Imada-Howard
May 5, 2004
Eagle resident Julie Thurston heard her birth mother's voice for the first time
on Nov. 18. The moment was 34 years in the making.
Thurston, who was adopted when she was seven days old by Virgil and Donna Mock
of Wolcott, always had questions. She was one of eight children growing up in
the Mock family. Two were the biological children of the Mocks and six were
adopted. Thurston understood that finding her birth mother might not be the
experience she envisioned.
Last year, with the support of her adoptive family and her husband Glenn, she
overcame her hesitation and began searching for her birth mother.
She turned to Colorado Confidential Intermediary Services, a state program
designed to help willing adoptees and birth mothers find each other. Thurston
finally had the chance to find the answers to her questions. Did she look like
her birth mother? Why was she given up for adoption? Did her birth mother ever
think about her during all of the years that had passed?
'Best case scenario'
Thurston's previous attempts to find out about her adoption had not been
successful.
She was born at Fort Carson Army Base. As with most adoptions, her adoption
information was confidential. The courts would not release the information she
requested. However, they would allow the intermediary program to access the
files.
For a $600 fee, volunteer intermediaries research adoption records in an effort
to locate birth mothers or adoptees. The intermediaries are allowed to approach
the birth mother to ask if they want contact with the adoptee. If the birth
mother, or in some cases, the adoptee, declines, the case is resealed.
Joanne Shideler of Colorado Springs was the intermediary assigned to Thurston -
and she was luckier than most adoptees. Shideler located Thurston's birth
mother in a month. The birth mom, Patricia Arnette, now living in Georgia, was
immediately open to contact. Like Thurston, she had been waiting 34 years.
"Julie was a best case scenario in terms of how quickly and open her birth
mother and her adoptive parents have been," said Shideler, who is herself a
birth mother to an adoptee.
Armed with a large pillow, a box of tissues and Arnette's phone number,
Thurston prepared to call the woman who had given her up for adoption so many
years ago. She dialed the phone twice, hanging up both times before she could
complete the number. Thurston didn't know how to begin the conversation.
"I've been to college and feel I am pretty well spoken... But this was totally
new and I was completely unprepared," recalled Thurston.
On the third try, Arnette answered and Thurston cried while Arnette began
filling in the blanks.
Guilt and depression
Arnette was a 19-year-old college student when she became pregnant with
Thurston. The birth father had moved on. Arnette dropped out of school. Shortly
thereafter, she met her future husband, Horace, who had just returned from
Vietnam.
Having survived the war, Horace was ready to proceed with his life. He asked
her to marry him, then set Arnette up in an apartment and supported her
financially and emotionally as they waited out the pregnancy.
Although she was married to Horace by the time her daughter was born, Arnette
was ashamed of her situation. She decided to put the baby up for adoption. The
only member of Arnette's family who knew of the child was her sister, and years
later, her own parents passed away never knowing the truth.
"She felt maybe she'd forget if she put me up for adoption, that it would help
with the guilt," Thurston said.
It didn't. Arnette spent the next 34 years living with guilt and depression.
Two years after the adoption, she put her name in a database designed to match
adoptees with birth parents. Horace also tried to locate Thurston, hoping to
ease his wife's depression. The effort failed.
The first call between Thurston and Arnette lasted two hours.
"We went through two cell phone batteries. Mine went dead and then hers,"
Thurston said.
Arnette asked to meet Thurston face to face. Thurston also learned she had
another sister and brother.
Thurston was, initially, hesitant. She thought she needed more time to adjust
to the situation. Her husband Glenn, while very supportive, was also concerned
with protecting his wife in the event things did not work out. Her adoptive
parents encouraged Thurston to meet her birth mother as soon as possible.
Another influence in her decision came from her experience with her own
children, son Cody, 8, and daughter Alix, 5. As a mother, Thurston thought
about how hard it must have been for her birth mother to watch years to go by
without knowing what her child looked like or if she was happy.
Thurston agreed to meet Arnette in December.
Reuniting a family
The first sign that things had changed forever was the arrival of the greeting
cards.
Arnette, who has a large extended family, organized a "card shower" for
Thurston. Arnette's relatives and close family friends inundated Thurston with
cards and pictures. In all, she received about 70 cards, photographs and
handwritten notes.
While waiting for the day of the reunion to arrive, Thurston prepared her
children and herself. Thurston's children purchased Christmas gifts for Arnette
and were excited to meet their newly discovered grandmother, as was the rest of
Thurston's family.
"I didn't think the kids would be able to grasp the concept (of Arnette's
relationship) as well as they did," said Thurston.
The Mocks had diligently kept a scrapbook of Thurston's milestones as a baby
and a child, which Thurston planned to share with Arnette. Thurston also put
together a scrapbook about her life as an adult including high school pictures,
her wedding and the birth of her children. She hoped that Arnette's heart would
be healed by seeing the happy and loving home Thurston had grown up in.
On Dec. 11, Arnette and Horace flew to Eagle from Hiram, Ga. for a weekend
visit. When the two women saw each other for the first time they were
overwhelmed with emotion. Neither woman cried, having both shed many tears over
the previous month. They had spoken often since their first conversation and
had already shared many of their feelings about the adoption.
Even so, it was a difficult moment.
"I was really sensitive to the fact that she had suffered. I feel like I have a
wonderful life with my adoptive parents," said Thurston. "It was awkward for
me. To her I'm not just another person. I thought it would be easier."
Arnette was overjoyed to meet her grandchildren, and was touched by their
efforts to include her in the family. She too had put together a scrapbook of
her life and family. Both women took photographs, searching for similarities.
They compared height, the size of their hands, their smiles.
The weekend reunion went quickly. Mother and daughter were left figuring out
how to continue developing their relationship.
Baby steps
For the time being, Thurston and Arnette are taking their relationship slowly.
Thurston is figuring out how to assimilate the new relationship with Arnette
into her life. The bonding process has been slower than she expected, but it
has also been an interesting learning experience.
Since their first meeting, the women have spent a lot of time e-mailing and
calling each other. Arnette's willingness to give Thurston the time and space
she needs to deal with her feelings has been one of the keys to their progress.
"We have been very honest with each other. She has been very respectful of my
fears of moving too fast. We are working through this as we go along. I feel so
lucky to have a birth mother so anxious to have a normal, loving relationship
with me," said Thurston
They have also made plans to meet again.
In August, Thurston is planning to attend Arnette's family reunion in West
Virginia with her adoptive mother Donna and a sister. She is looking forward to
meeting more of Arnette's relatives and to seeing Arnette again.
"It would be a waste not to have a relationship with her. It's an important
part of me and its important to my children," said Thurston, "We have missed 34
years and now we have to make up for it."
-------------------------
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!"
-----Unknown
