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My husband and I want to file for custody for his 13 yr old son. His son is in the care of his mother's mother and her husband. We only found out "we" had a son when he was 8 yrs. old (surprise!) and after the testing process and court proceedings - he was 9 before we actually began regular visitation. During this entire time he has been in the care of his "grandparents". They have raised this boy since he was 3 yrs. old after gaining legal guardianship from the mother, who at that time they felt was unable to properly care for her son. This child has been raised in an environment to learn not to respect women...picked up by the emotionally abusive relationship between the grandparents. Also, he eats whatever he wants - never a vegetable or fruit & usually fast food and ice cream. At 13: he still is unable to tie his shoes because they find it easier to purchase non-tie shoes, his grandmother still bathes him (remaining in the bathroom during the entire process, washing his hair for him & reminding him of each step) she picks out his clothing daily, reminds him to brush his teeth (which he will not do for her if she forgets). This is just a few of the crippling codependency issues going on in the household. He also is having huge anger outburst and other emotional problems both at home and at school. Yet, at our home, he functions just fine. He is a normal 13 yr. old boy and can bath and dress himself without issue. He eats what we eat and we have very few "fights" - not anymore than you would expect at that age. The grandfather is very threatened by our success with "his" child and bad mouths us to him every chance he gets. I believe this is also very emotionally damaging to a young teenager. His mother has joint custody and is on our side. She would like to see us get custody for the same reasons I addresses above. My only concern is that the grandfather is a very mean and conniving individual and says that he will see to it that we will never get this young man. What do you think our chances are? Any advice???

You probably don't have much of a chance simply because your husband has known about the child for 4 years now and he chose to do nothing during that time. Had he done something when he first found out about the child, his chances would have been MUCH better.

Also, "WE" do not have a child. Your HUSBAND and his EX have a child. You have to remember that if you go to court. Judges do not like new spouses/significant others imposing themselves into the situation.

We want what is in the best interest of our son. I am his step mother and play a very significant role in not only his educational development, but also his emotional development. I've been there from day one...when we first began visitation, and can hardly see what I’m doing as interfering. I am trying to get this child out of an unhealthy environment that is hindering his development. His father & I have wanted to file for custody from the beginning, but have not wanted to cause conflict in his life and the lives of both his mother and his grandparents. It has just come to a point where we feel we can no longer stand aside and watch his deterioration. Please understand we have tried to work with the grandparents to develop their parenting skills time and time again. They refuse to listen to our advice (myself, a trained educator). Now, anyone who has anything advise of value and not just negative commentary, please feel free to respond.

Gee, defensive much? NOTHING that I told you was in any way "negative commentary". It's just the cold hard TRUTH. Since the child has been with the grandparents pretty much his entire life, a change of custody is NOT likely since your husband did nothing to gain custody for 4 years. That is NOT my PERSONAL opinion. I could care less who the kid lives with, he's not mine!

Same goes for the "we" comment. A judge does NOT like outsiders getting involved in custody cases. I realize that you are married to dad, but the COURT doesn't care. You are not a blood relative and you have no legal right to the child. If I wanted to be mean, I would have just let you go to court and let you get smacked down by the JUDGE when you started in with "we".

Ceara is right. The only one that has any legal standing in this is the father. There IS no "we". I can tell you right now what will be said by the family. "The father was fine to leave him here with us until his wife convinced him to interfere. Your honor, she has told us how we should be raising this child (even though we have been raising him these past years without her "help") and feels that she knows best simply because she took a bunch of fancy classes and is a teacher". Regardless of what the situation IS, they will be telling the truth. I can tell you that if I had been raising a child for YEARS, and someone came along and told me everything I ws doing wrong (whether or not it's the truth) my first response would be to tell you to go take a hike. The judge will tell you to take a hike out of his court. I am not saying that you are wrong in your opinion of this family. I am saying you are wrong to think that you have any say in ANY of this. You can love the child, you can be there for support. You cannot do anything legally to remove the child from his home. The father can try, but as Ceara said, for whatever reason, your husband was content to leave him where he was. The judge will ask what is different now, than it was 4 years ago? If the response is that your husband just decided he didn't like the situation now, the judge will say, "tough".

Ceara is right. The only one that has any legal standing in this is the father. There IS no "we". I can tell you right now what will be said by the family. "The father was fine to leave him here with us until his wife convinced him to interfere. Your honor, she has told us how we should be raising this child (even though we have been raising him these past years without her "help") and feels that she knows best simply because she took a bunch of fancy classes and is a teacher". Regardless of what the situation IS, they will be telling the truth. I can tell you that if I had been raising a child for YEARS, and someone came along and told me everything I ws doing wrong (whether or not it's the truth) my first response would be to tell you to go take a hike. The judge will tell you to take a hike out of his court. I am not saying that you are wrong in your opinion of this family. I am saying you are wrong to think that you have any say in ANY of this. You can love the child, you can be there for support. You cannot do anything legally to remove the child from his home. The father can try, but as Ceara said, for whatever reason, your husband was content to leave him where he was. The judge will ask what is different now, than it was 4 years ago? If the response is that your husband just decided he didn't like the situation now, the judge will say, "tough".

I have a feeling that the OP is the one pushing the matter much more than dad. Usually when someone gets that defensive it's because the answer hits a little too close to home.

I have a feeling that the OP is the one pushing the matter much more than dad. Usually when someone gets that defensive it's because the answer hits a little too close to home.
I agree. Especially when she updated and posted that the family just wouldn't follow her advice, even though she is a "trained educator". What does that mean, anyway? P.E. teacher, preschool time monitor, what??? Oh well, it doesn't matter in the end. :)

I agree. Especially when she updated and posted that the family just wouldn't follow her advice, even though she is a "trained educator". What does that mean, anyway? P.E. teacher, preschool time monitor, what??? Oh well, it doesn't matter in the end. :)

I missed the update! If a "trained educator" ever tired to butt in and tell me how to raise MY children after we have been doing just fine on own own all these years, they'd get their *** handed to them, very abruptly I might add.

I am a special education teacher...any other questions...

Also, my husband was living in a one room apartment and making minimum wage when he found out about his son. He would have filed for custody then, but didn't think that it was a good environment to raise a child. Now that he has a wife, a home with a large room for his son and a good job, he feels that it is the right time to bring him into our home. I'm stepping out of the picture legally and feel that your attacks on me are completely irrational. I'm sorry for logging on to a site where people judge rather than advise....Our attorney, which I'm sure you are not, feels that a strong family duo (one that includes a Special Education Teacher) can better meet the needs of a child with learning disabilities. Thank you for all your wonderful help! :rolleyes:

I am a special education teacher...any other questions...

Also, my husband was living in a one room apartment and making minimum wage when he found out about his son. He would have filed for custody then, but didn't think that it was a good environment to raise a child. Now that he has a wife, a home with a large room for his son and a good job, he feels that it is the right time to bring him into our home. I'm stepping out of the picture legally and feel that your attacks on me are completely irrational. I'm sorry for logging on to a site where people judge rather than advise....Our attorney, which I'm sure you are not, feels that a strong family duo (one that includes a Special Education Teacher) can better meet the needs of a child with learning disabilities. Thank you for all your wonderful help! :rolleyes:
Excuse me, I don't care if you are Mister Rogers. You have no standing in this, whatsoever. If the child's environment is so horrible, it shouldn't have mattered how humble the father's living conditions were. The fact is that the father left him there, and now after the gp's didn't take your instructions on how to raise a child that they had been raising for all of these years, you are pissed. Too bad. The posts were completely rational. There are WAAAY too many wives and girlfriends that think that because they married the father of the child, they now know what the "best" way is to raise that child. This is not to say that ALL wives and girlfriends are like this, and often, they have legitimate concerns and need advice on what THEY should do. Not on how to get custody because the other parent (grand parent in this case) doesn't do what you tell them to do. Your attorney will tell you whatever he or she can to get you to keep paying for his new porsche and vacation home. Good luck. If you want ANY chance of your husband getting custody, you need to take a big step back.

I am a special education teacher...any other questions...

Also, my husband was living in a one room apartment and making minimum wage when he found out about his son. He would have filed for custody then, but didn't think that it was a good environment to raise a child. Now that he has a wife, a home with a large room for his son and a good job, he feels that it is the right time to bring him into our home. I'm stepping out of the picture legally and feel that your attacks on me are completely irrational. I'm sorry for logging on to a site where people judge rather than advise....Our attorney, which I'm sure you are not, feels that a strong family duo (one that includes a Special Education Teacher) can better meet the needs of a child with learning disabilities. Thank you for all your wonderful help! :rolleyes:

Your a special education teacher. Exactly how does that make YOU special? Why is it that you feel YOU would be the best person to raise this child? Is this boy a special needs child? So now that daddy dearest, who by the way couldn't be bothered to raise a child when he was by himself, is married to a self-righteous, sanctimonious, pietistic, holier-than-thou woman, that is a "special needs" educator, he is suddenly a "better parent" because he has a bigger house?

Yeah, bring that one to the judge! I'm sure the court will just LOVE your reasons for RIPPING a child away from the only stable home that he has ever known.

By the way, since you seem to be so impressed with your intellectual superiority over this poor child's mother, before you blow off my response as judgemental, I think you should know that I have a Bachelors Degree from the University of Notre Dame in Pre Law Studies. I then went on to spend a year at the University of Notre Dame Law School before quitting because I really didn't want to be a lawyer. But hey, I was barely old enough to vote when I transferred to the University of Texas where I attended and graduated from the University of Texas School of Journalism all before I was old enough to have a glass of champagne at my graduation party.

has this 13 year old young man indicated he would be ok with moving in with DAD?

Here we go again with the parades. The real distaste some women on here have against the new wife or girlfriend is a little pathetic Sit back and read your replies to her. I mean come on. As soon as it is mentioned that she is the new wife and feels she is a part of the child's life you two jump all over her.

As much as you may dislike the new wife, they are a part of the child's life whether you like it or not. And just to let you know the courts are allowing the step-parents, male or female, to be involved in both the court predeedings and the visitation schedule in the state of CA.

Actually, in Brevard and Orange County, the step parent (if legally married to the NCP for a period longer that 12 calendar months) must sign off on the visitation schdule at the probate court. They are not required to attend the court date or mediation BUT they must appear in person within 20 days and sign off in agreement to the order handed down or the visitation schedule set up. They can file an abatement but typically it is denied if they did not appear at the original hearing. But it is showing that your view of the other woman or man is going out with the trash and they very much DO have a say!!

When you look at the divorce rates in this country and then how many of those couples have children, there are a HUGE number of children who are raised in families with step parents. And it very much affects the new wife/husband's lives. (And before you go respond with ..."well they knew he/she had kids before they married..blah...blah.....of course they knew he/she had kids but just as they have a say in their marriage, they have a say in their household, which includes step children)

So a little more maturity would be most appreciated considering that many people who write posts on this site are the "other" woman or man. Give it 10 more years and the step parents will have quite a bit of say on exactly what the child's living conditions are!!!! Sorry ladies...times are a changing!

Here we go again with the parades. The real distaste some women on here have against the new wife or girlfriend is a little pathetic Sit back and read your replies to her. I mean come on. As soon as it is mentioned that she is the new wife and feels she is a part of the child's life you two jump all over her.

As much as you may dislike the new wife, they are a part of the child's life whether you like it or not. And just to let you know the courts are allowing the step-parents, male or female, to be involved in both the court predeedings and the visitation schedule in the state of CA.

Actually, in Brevard and Orange County, the step parent (if legally married to the NCP for a period longer that 12 calendar months) must sign off on the visitation schdule at the probate court. They are not required to attend the court date or mediation BUT they must appear in person within 20 days and sign off in agreement to the order handed down or the visitation schedule set up. They can file an abatement but typically it is denied if they did not appear at the original hearing. But it is showing that your view of the other woman or man is going out with the trash and they very much DO have a say!!

When you look at the divorce rates in this country and then how many of those couples have children, there are a HUGE number of children who are raised in families with step parents. And it very much affects the new wife/husband's lives. (And before you go respond with ..."well they knew he/she had kids before they married..blah...blah.....of course they knew he/she had kids but just as they have a say in their marriage, they have a say in their household, which includes step children)

So a little more maturity would be most appreciated considering that many people who write posts on this site are the "other" woman or man. Give it 10 more years and the step parents will have quite a bit of say on exactly what the child's living conditions are!!!! Sorry ladies...times are a changing!
No, I had a HUGE problem when she stated that she had been "advising" them how to raise the child (that they were fine leaving for 4 years, I might add) based on her training as an educator. You haven't read her original post because she deleted it. If they were so concerned about this environment, then WHY didn't the dad step in FOUR YEARS AGO??? Times are not changing enough to let a legal stranger enter into any custody and visitation proceedings in MOST states. I think most understand that CA is a world unto itself. And IF you had taken the time to actually read all of my post, you will see that I clearly differentiate betweent the step parents that legitimately want to help and need some questions asked and those that think that, even though they have no children of their own, they suddenly know how a child (that they have known for 4 out of his 13 years of life) should be raised, because, BY GOD, those people that have raised him for 13 years are doing it wrong!! If there are truly concerned about the child's environment, abuse, and /or neglect, the situation can be reported to the authorities, and the FATHER should have done something 4 years ago, instead of waiting until it was convenient for him to take his son. Have a nice day. :)

I agree with Mommyof4 and Ceara on this one. As a steparent, I would never interfer with how mom raises her child. I might offer suggestions if mom would communicate and the child was unhappy about something there or if there was a potentially dangerous situation, but as far as telling someone how to raise their own children, Ceara and Mommyof4 are right on this one. When the child is in mom's house that is mom's decision how to raise the child. You don't want to step on someone's toes. Believe me I would love to tell my stepson's mother all the things she could do better, but she isn't going to listen so it would just make the situation worse rather than better. The thread starter may have very good intentions, but I don't think she is thinking the whole thing through. You have to consider everyone involved and their reactions and feelings, and what is truly best for the child.

Here we go again with the parades. The real distaste some women on here have against the new wife or girlfriend is a little pathetic Sit back and read your replies to her. I mean come on. As soon as it is mentioned that she is the new wife and feels she is a part of the child's life you two jump all over her.

As much as you may dislike the new wife, they are a part of the child's life whether you like it or not. And just to let you know the courts are allowing the step-parents, male or female, to be involved in both the court predeedings and the visitation schedule in the state of CA.

Actually, in Brevard and Orange County, the step parent (if legally married to the NCP for a period longer that 12 calendar months) must sign off on the visitation schdule at the probate court. They are not required to attend the court date or mediation BUT they must appear in person within 20 days and sign off in agreement to the order handed down or the visitation schedule set up. They can file an abatement but typically it is denied if they did not appear at the original hearing. But it is showing that your view of the other woman or man is going out with the trash and they very much DO have a say!!

When you look at the divorce rates in this country and then how many of those couples have children, there are a HUGE number of children who are raised in families with step parents. And it very much affects the new wife/husband's lives. (And before you go respond with ..."well they knew he/she had kids before they married..blah...blah.....of course they knew he/she had kids but just as they have a say in their marriage, they have a say in their household, which includes step children)

So a little more maturity would be most appreciated considering that many people who write posts on this site are the "other" woman or man. Give it 10 more years and the step parents will have quite a bit of say on exactly what the child's living conditions are!!!! Sorry ladies...times are a changing!

Funny, I've checked with BOTH counties and could not find one single reference to that effect. Even IF it is true, it gives both actual PARENTS an automatic opportunity to appeal ANY ruling that was signed by a step parent.

STEP parents will still have no enforceable rights to the children 10 years from now or 100 years from now. It will never stand up to a constitutional challenge.

Post Deleted

Deleting your post did not remove it from this thread. It will still show up where others have quoted it. :rolleyes:

Let me explain to those reading into this a bit too much...my use of the word "advising" was misinterpreted. I meant that the grandparents would call ME almost every day to ask ME questions on what THEY should do about the behavior of the child. The advise which I was ASKED to give was never acted upon and after TWO years of this, his behavior and grades have declined dramatically!!! What is a STEPMOM to do when the guardians come to her??? Hang up? Give a girl a break will ya? I am not interferring...I am concerned!

Let me explain to those reading into this a bit too much...my use of the word "advising" was misinterpreted. I meant that the grandparents would call ME almost every day to ask ME questions on what THEY should do about the behavior of the child. The advise which I was ASKED to give was never acted upon and after TWO years of this, his behavior and grades have declined dramatically!!! What is a STEPMOM to do when the guardians come to her??? Hang up? Give a girl a break will ya? I am not interferring...I am concerned!
I think it's great that you want to be there for the child but where is your husband in all of this? That is his son and if you were my sons wife I'd probably just laugh at you. That is his child let HIM deal with it. I don't see him fighting as much as you are! And who cares what living conditions he was in prior to all of this, he still should have been there for his kid if he cared so much.

My husband is working (to pay for his child support and all of the extra things his son needs) and redesigning our whole house to make it ideal for HIS son. He is wonderfully supportive. I beg of this forum to stop making assumptions and please support a couple that is trying to do the best for a child that is not in a home that is supportive of a child that is in desperate need of immediate intervention to help him grow into a loving, caring, and mature adult. Is this not what all parents want? Why all the hate on this forum. I question the motives of some who feel that attacking parents, whether step or otherwise,...is this a power trip? Have you been so injured in your lives that you must use this as a way to get back at the ones who have hurt you? Please...I beg...we are trying to do what we feel is best for our son....Yes...our son...We, his father and I, have been a unit in this from day one. We never felt the need to separate our son from his grandparent's home until now - it is now time that he is in an environment that is supportive to his special emotional and special educational needs. We would like advice and no more attacks! :(

My husband is working (to pay for his child support and all of the extra things his son needs) and redesigning our whole house to make it ideal for HIS son. He is wonderfully supportive. I beg of this forum to stop making assumptions and please support a couple that is trying to do the best for a child that is not in a home that is supportive of a child that is in desperate need of immediate intervention to help him grow into a loving, caring, and mature adult. Is this not what all parents want? Why all the hate on this forum. I question the motives of some who feel that attacking parents, whether step or otherwise,...is this a power trip? Have you been so injured in your lives that you must use this as a way to get back at the ones who have hurt you? Please...I beg...we are trying to do what we feel is best for our son....Yes...our son...We, his father and I, have been a unit in this from day one. We never felt the need to separate our son from his grandparent's home until now - it is now time that he is in an environment that is supportive to his special emotional and special educational needs. We would like advice and no more attacks! :(
The advice is for the father to file for custody. The reality is that unless your husband can show that a significant change in his SON'S living conditions has changed to the detriment of the child (not that your husband's living conditions have improved), he will most likely NOT be granted custody at this late date. So, if the conditions have always been lousy, but he is JUST NOW wanting custody, that will go against him.

I have a question for the OP... I have only really skimmed through all of this but do you have any children of your own?

My next comment is that although I totally agree with Mommyof4 and Ceara on the significant change issue once the child is 14 he will be allowed to also express his wishes to the judge involved. This does not mean by any means that he gets to CHOOSE but he can speak to the judge and express wishes. This would be IN ADDITION to having a significant reason behind the custody change.

We are not pushing him to CHOOSE at this moment. I feel a little decompresion time is needed. The grandparents are pulling him in all directions, as they should. I would do the same! They have raised him since practically birth! We are giving him a space at our house where he can relax and not discuss the matter, unless he wants to...

I feel if the judge asks him where he wants to be and he chooses to stay with his grandparents...then we have done everything we can do. We will still work with them & his mother to help raise this young man into a lovely adult. That is our goal!

I have no children of my own. This young man is the closest thing to a son that I have. I guess that makes me possibly TOO emotionally involved, as some on the forum have suggested...But, when it comes down to it...Is this such a bad thing to love a child?

I have no children of my own. This young man is the closest thing to a son that I have. I guess that makes me possibly TOO emotionally involved, as some on the forum have suggested...But, when it comes down to it...Is this such a bad thing to love a child?

No that is not a bad thing, just remember he has a birth mom and to respect that.